Well.. just lost that last of our family to hate.

I thought everyone was cool. I was wrong.. .very wrong. I don't know how I could be so blind. I tiptoed for the longest time but recently told everyone in my family that this is happening, the surgery is scheduled. No one said anything bad.

Today J got involved in a political post on my sister's fb page. I realized by the rhetoric that he's not wanted, nor accepted and a cousin even poked fun of him. I just deleted them all from my life and now I'm alone.. oh well.

I kept asking J in private to hold his respect, back off a bit, but I guess the combination of this horrible election and the testosterone and the hateful rhetoric about immigrants just really got to him and he let loose. I did too, but when my sister asked that we all stop, I stopped. I asked J to respect this and he didn't. Of course, this was some people's time to take it to a whole new bottom and make reference to gender. Of course, I went apeshit... I'm the mother..yanno? Just even to do it in front of me take a MAJOR set of cohonas. What was expected? Right or wrong, I'm always going to take my child's side.

Afterwards, he was still upset and going off on me. I said "hold your respect.. c'mon now, I'm your mother". That didn't work.. lol So I said "I have given everything.. there's nothing left.. I just gave up the only mother I've known (my sister), my nieces, nephews, everyone. I already purged all friends who "objected".. .I've got nothing left.. HOLD YOUR RESPECT FOR ME! I've always been ON YOUR SIDE, your entire life. I don't just talk the talk, I walk the walk and I just proved it AGAIN.. now HOLD YOUR RESPECT". It took some major doing to get it to stop. Oh, I know he was upset and it was the testosterone. So then he realized what had just happened, that I told them all to eff off and we're done and he began to apologize.

Then I had to do major damage control because of what I said. I was like.. this isn't your fault or your choice. I MADE MY CHOICE FOR MYSELF! I CHOOSE not to associate with hateful people. I am your mother and you and me kid, we have to have each other's back. When I ask you to hold your respect, it's exhorting you, reminding you.. and you need to take a breath and listen. That tongue of yours can either forge a friendship or murder a relationship just like others can do to you and I'm not going to be here to jump their shit. You gotta learn when to back off. He doesn't care if he has a relationship with them or not because he's distant from them. He's cordial but that's it... but.. my sister was the last person I had!

I know he was getting scared that I wouldn't keep paying the medicals on this transition or pay for the surgery and I wanted that crap to stop too. I don't want respect for what I can do for him... I've NEVER threatened to withhold support. NEVER! He's gonna be 30 in a couple of weeks, I can easily say.. well.. yanno.. good luck on the expenses, but I have NEVER DONE THIS. I've forgone my own medical needs (haven't told him that, and I won't).. at this point my life doesn't matter but I need him to be strong when I'm gone. I'm still very much involved in his well being. I'm so into loyalty and he knows it. Whether he was ever right or wrong in something, I stood on his side, fought the battle, and took it up with him in private. I want respect for the loyalty, for the fact that I love him UNCONDITIONALLY. Now he's 8 hours away from me, and I'm here alone and now there's no family.

He asked me if I wanted him to apologize. I said, absolutely not. He said nothing wrong. He presented his argument intelligently using facts, statistics and truth, not opinion, and I respect that. I told him to continue his truth, but be mindful of incorporating love and respect in how he presents it. Because this thing got dragged on, it brought out the worst in family members who attacked him for being trans and now all is lost..

I'm hurt.. terribly, but I told him that this is probably for the best. I've put myself out there for the family.. financially, physically, emotionally and now that we need the emotional support, it isn't there, so this was a wake up call. I can't help but to feel lost though. I was hanging onto my sister by a thread. I told him we're good, but it's my job, no matter how old he is, to remind him to respect his elders, to practice his Christianity.. not to just talk the talk, but to walk the walk and that includes loving one's enemies. That's the hardest one.. isn't it?

*sigh.... I'm sick to my stomache. I'll die, and he has no one... not his cousins, godmother, aunts, uncles.. no one. I feel like I'm raising a child all over again. WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED to my good natured, kind, respectful, generous, loving child! NO one warned me!!

:bang:

 

J is a Sanders fan too. Me.. I always voted Republican until 2012. I was impressed with Obama. I'm still a registered Republican but I have eyes, I have ears.. there's no way I'd vote for someone who's policies would hurt my own child. To me.. THAT's CRAZY.

My sister is a very conservative Christian. It's almost like... she acts completely sinless though which I know from reading isn't true. I know from her anger that it isn't true, I know from the hate talk that it isn't true but I don't question her belief, I just tell J that we have to be beacons of light to love and respect for all. I raised him this way.

He says it's the testosterone that makes him aggressive. I don't have proof, I trust him to tell me what's what.. but my goodness, you see your aunt is acting and talking like a flake, state your facts and let that be that. When I stated my facts, I backed it up with scripture and documented history, J went mega ape on the statistics and facts (he's very intellectual), then we got knocked and told the only thing we know is how to read books and don't live in the real world. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have a TRANS SON.. talk about REAL WORLD.. lol I owned a business, employed people, worked my ass off.. c'mon.. I know real world! Some of the stuff was over the top, but I held my respect and shut up as asked... J just went on and on.. omg.. all fact... all stats, but people were PISSED.

This is so end times... brother against brother, and if a stupid Jesus follower like me can see it, why can't my super ultra conservative sister? Like I said.. we were stating facts and history and being called names in response. They went too far with the names, with the inuendo, and I think they knew it but kept on. What do they expect me to do? I'm not ditching my kid! I'm sad because I was hoping that these people could be some sort of back up for when I die.. Now I definitely know they won't be. This is rough on us, not them.. they could be a tad more compassionate. No love, no compassion, definitely no love for non white, non hetero, American born people........ what the hell did I expect I guess.

It's so over.. this is definitely the last straw. When I give up on someone, I REALLY give up on them. I can't deal well with hate and negativity on a daily basis so I do what needs done. I wish I oould get a do over on today but .. what's done is done.

PS.. he KNOWS me, he KNOWS I'd never pull my support or cut him out of my life .. it's not the same as dealing with aunts and cousins.. it's me, so it's hurtful when he acts like he's afraid I'll cut him off.. :bang: I STILL have to be a MOTHER! This is a delicate dance and I have NO rhythm!!

 

Um.. he's the one that has told me that the testosterone.. especially the recent increase in dosage, is responsible for the personality changes. I have no reason to doubt him, but I'll keep an open mind and try to look that up.

We talked for hours last night.. he knows I'm always on his side. He also knows I'm here alone... he's far away because he moved out there with his bf before he began to transition. He's aware that all I had was my sister. Last night I got on the phone with him and talked for a couple of hours and explained that we can push people too far... this is not only true for family, but for acquaintenances, and despite how other people behave, he's been taught to take the high road. NO name calling, NO disrespect.. We can communicate with people of differing opinions without being disrespectful. If they show disrespect to us, we can still take the high road by walking away from them without stooping to that level............ which is what I just did with my family. If he stoops, he's no better than they are. If he takes the high road, he will be a beacon of light and will help teach others by example. I think we all have that responsibility. It's a burden to live in constant conflict and hateful rhetoric. I just want the kid to keep a positive attitude..especially with impending surgery. The attitude will HELP promote fast healing.

I also think that's part of being an adult and has nothing to do with gender or sexuality.. just.... adult behavior. He's got to navigate a big, bad, unwelcoming world out there when I'm gone. I guess this is a good lesson in how our words and actions can be either constructive, or destructive.

So.. we discussed all of this calmly. I did ask that he not internalize my choice to end ties with the family. It's my choice. I was sure to bring up the fact that he's been in fear that I will pull financial support and asked what is the basis of this thinking. He had no basis other than to say his TG friends have told horror stories of being abandoned by their parents. "Well, child.. were YOU ever abandoned" "No, ma" "Ok, then realize that this fear is manufactured. It isn't real. It is imagined. Make a choice to delete it. Continue to sympathize with your friends but remember that you haven't experienced this and you will never experience it so for your own good, don't manufacture guilt because you don't know the feeling. It's ok not to know the feeling. You didn't cause it, and you're being a friend by listening!"

At least now I know where the hell that irrational anxiety and fear of abandonment is coming from!

One day at a time.. we're going one day at a time lately. I know this won't be the last time either.. I'm just getting too old for it. LOL

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 10:30 AM ----------

OH.. note. I NEVER said to LOVE AND FORGIVE... I said say things with "love and respect" and to always RESPECT, even strangers. If we all acted like that, wow.. what a different place this would be!!!!

Forgiveness has to come from his faith. I have a problem with forgiveness, and I pray about it all the time so I'm NO ONE to teach him to forgive. I have to remove the board from my own eye before I can attempt to help someone else with their splinter. LOL How TRUE that scripture is!! Amen!

On that subject. I'm so confused about my sister who is much further along in her faith than I am. She's a bit older than me. My baby niece was murdered by the father. This is my sister's grandchild. She "forgives" the father, but has none for less horrendous infractions. I don't want to bring it up. We've all been reeling from this for almost a year, but on the other hand, I can't find forgiveness for him yet. I start thinking the worst like.. I hope he gets killed in prison. Just wait until he's in gen pop, those guys are going to torture him. All these things are horrible to think and I fight it. But, my kid never murdered anyone. He's never cheated, he doesn't do drugs, he's not dependent on any family member, he's kind, thoughtful, loving, very intelligent, a very talented artist.. such wonderful qualities and I guess I am terribly angry that there is no tolerance for him being transgender, by my sister, yet forgiveness for my niece's murderous husband who sits in jail awaiting trial for first degree murder of their BABY. This is the stuff that makes me nuts I guess.

Sorry for the rant.... it's been weighing heavy and I try not to discuss this with J at ALL. With all his anxiety over the transition, he need NOT be worried about who is tolerant and who is not. That's not his problem.

 

I looked into PFLAG.. there's nothing around here. I wouldn't know how to approach it anyway. It's not like I'm walking in there with a kid! lol I'm KIDLESS out here. I have nooooooooo experience in the TG community. I'd be afraid I'd say the wrong thing. If I say the wrong thing to J.. like ask a question that's offensive. IE: A friend was flying in to visit him. I asked "Oh.. is he TG too"? He said "MMmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." I said "what.. is that wrong to ask"? I'm truly not trying to be offensive, I'm trying to navigate this. He doesn't get mad.. he laughs at my being inappropriate because he knows I just don't know any better until he tells me what's ok and what isn't. LOL It's a trip.

I mean.. there I am.. thinking I'm being "open-minded" by asking the question only to find out that I'm being thoroughly inappropriate! It's a learning process. Strangers aren't going to laugh... they'll get pissed. I'm not out to piss anyone off. It's better I stay to myself until I know better.

It's alright. The older I get, the smaller and smaller and smaller my world becomes. I live a very small life, and that's ok. It took a hell of a lot to deal with my child moving out when he was 22. I didn't fight it... I just avoided talking with him on the phone for the first year. The conversations were terribly short because I would start crying. LOL I know NOW that this is empty nest syndrome. WARNING: that is a real thing! LOL

I have two friends..they are pretty much long distance and they are being invited to J's party after the surgery. Both have said yes to the invite. They are good people who have no issue with TG people. J has known one since he was little so I hope to GOD he doesn't go off on something stupid. I'm being careful to invite democrats only! LOL I think it's too much pressure for him to be around non like-minded folks right after the surgery. He needs to heal so I want positive, happy people around him. The guest list has shrunk TREMENDOUSLY after this blow out (no family is invited), but.. a small group of positivity and love is a hell of a lot better than a large group of potential hate. No?