My 14 year old son has just told me he's gay.

You should monitor his conversations with this boy, make sure that if anything suspicious happens that you know. Make sure that you son understands that if the boy isn't genuine or says something that puts up red flags that you should know immediately and that he knows to tell you when they are talking. Perhaps you could ask him to introduce you to the boy?

 

I'd have to say when I was that age I was conversing with others online about sexuality. It was of great help to me. I understand your concern... my mother never really questioned what I do online, she has always trusted me.

I was a chat moderator on a large network for many years... if anything I'd have a discussion about appropriate use of webcams, that was an issue on the chat network I moderated... having an understanding that certain things are not appropriate, as well as knowing that conversations you have online can be recorded and shared, so use good judgement when sharing information or conversing with others.

It seems like young people over Skype don't always use good judgement. That's the biggest thing I'd say to watch out for, if your concern is of such.

My mother was always at ease by asking me who I was conversing with, and what we were talking about, and asking information about them.

I came out to my mother when I was 14... shortly after starting high school.

 

Hi Minny,

Just to give you a little background, I’m a 50 year old bisexual man.

Your reaction is not unusual, but very happily positive and supportive. Even for someone who is openly accepting of other-than-heterosexual (LGBTQ) people, having someone in your own family, especially an LGBTQ child can be disconcerting initially. The good news is that you can certainly come to accept it because you clearly love him unconditionally. He had to first come to terms with his own sexuality and feel comfortable enough to tell you. THAT is a deeply personal and private thing for anyone and he trusted you enough to tell you! That’s why he was so emotional. It’s VERY hard to talk to parents about sex, let alone tell them that he is not heterosexual. That takes a ton of courage. Respect that for the trust he placed in you and take that a huge plus for being a great parent! Of course, no parent wants to hear that their son is gay (or anything other than a societal norm) – that is personally taxing on you and you need time to comprehend and deal with it. You think about how ostracized he might be or how he might be picked on. You want to protect him. But you can ONLY support him. Sexual preference in NOT a choice – I mean, who would CHOOSE to be an ‘outcast’ from ‘normal’ society? The fact is, he is normal. He was born this way and suppressing him in any way would do more harm than good. And the good news is that society, in general, is far more accepting (and the younger generations, in particular) of non-heterosexual individuals than ever before.

Sounds great that your other sons are potentially supportive, but it sounds like at least one of them may not fully understand the issue. That’s fine, too, he will most likely grow to accept his brother.

As to the online activity. Overall, it sounds like you are handling things really well. I have two main things to say. First, it seems that more LGBTQ people meet real friends and potential romantic interests online than anywhere else these days – especially depending on how small/isolated your individual community may be. Second, the bad news is that with a lot of open teen websites you find predators that are catfishing (pretending to be other than who they really are – such as if I was pretending to be a gay teen boy to gain your son's trust and sympathy instead of telling you upfront that I’m a 50 year old bi man). I’m not sure I can give you much specific advice on this. Just make sure you are aware as possible about what your son is doing online without overly invading his privacy and alienting him. It’s probably not an issue unless they intend to meet, but you said he Skyped with the person he’s interested in, so, presumably, live images can’t be faked. Plus, if he lives in NZ, a personal meet is unlikely anytime soon. Also, if your son has developed a personal bond with him and if this young man can help him deal with his life issues, let alone directly empathize or associate with his sexuality issues, you might want to be hesitant about simply cutting off contact.

Though, beyond your totally appropriate concerns about who he is talking to online (which you should probably have a frank discussion about with him, if you haven’t already, to let him know what you are potentially worried and why), I’m not sure you can do much more. And, remember, your issues/concerns about his online activity aren’t really any different from a parent with a straight teenage son or daughter.

You said that you live in Edinburgh – great city, by the way, I’ve been there and love it! Is there a Gay-Straight Alliances at his school? That would be a very good way for him to get into local LGBTQ circles. Other than that, I can only say that most of us muddle our way through with our romantic lives and make friends with people we really like, sometimes in the hopes they may return our feelings if we have a crush on them. (Not really different from ‘straight’ issues…)

Best of luck!

 

Thanks, Minny!

No offense, but you touched on a couple of hot-button issues. First, I'm not gay (homosexual), I'm bisexual and I, personally, have a strong preference for men, but that is my individual preference. General society often has more disdain/prejudice for bisexuals than homosexuals and even within the 'Gay community' there is a degree of prejudice (thinking that bisexuality isn't real or that we're just 'playing the field' - so you see, sexuality prejudice isn't confined to the straight world). Second (my other hot-button issue), you didn't quite say it, but your gay son isn't living a 'lifestyle.' He's just living his life. Homophobia is a chosen lifestyle. Homosexuality is just how some of us are.

No bad on you and I'm not throwing shade (I'm not even pretending to be mad), I'm just trying to educate you. And no need for you to reply. I don't take offense, but I wanted to explain/clarify these things. And I'll always be happy to provide input if/when you may ever post again here on EC.

Best of luck for you and your entire family!

---------- Post added 5th Sep 2016 at 02:21 AM ----------

Oh, and Edinburgh is sooo great. I was stationed in Germany in the military in the early 90's and brought my parents over to Europe on vacation. They wanted to visit the UK and, for some reason, I got kinda frustrated acting as a tour guide when we went to London and Bath. Then we went to Edinburgh. And just the nice accent of the locals cheered me up immensely. And the city itself is so cool. I went up to the castle and looked out over the Firth of Forth and it was beautiful.

 

I remember when I was 14 I was acting odd and my mother put a certain software on my computer to monitor what I was doing.

(I have not come out to my mother I'm in my 20's, but she may already know)

Anyway... it might be best to do it that way. It sounds like an invasion of privacy....but the way I think now and how I thought when I was 14 is so so VERY DIFFERENT.

If you worry about his safety...I think you should start monitoring his conversations to make sure nothing fishy is going on. Some children are unwilling to admit horrible treatments from others to their parent for whatever reason.

Also it might be good to get a therapist....just make sure you get one that is one that works closely with the LGBT community.

You could also volunteer with him at LGBT centers. They are always looking for volunteers...such as for parades, celebrations, art galleries, homeless shelter, etc.

I would really just help him create the right support system outside of his family.

 

You sound like an amazing mother and your son is lucky to have you!

I think I have a different perspective on Skyping than most people seem to. I personally feel Skype video conversations are about as safe as real life conversations. You see that the person is who they say they are but conversations can be recorded (like in real life) so you have to keep that in mind of course. People who live on the other side of the planet are less likely to be able to spread hurtful things about you if they are apt to such behavior, so that is a positive, but it is balanced out by the fact that it is easier for them to lie about other details in their life when you do not know anyone else who can confirm them.

At your son's age, for about a year, my only means of making friends was online, and I would personally have considered it a major invasion of my privacy if my mother had insisted on monitoring my conversations. It would be akin to insisting on always hanging out with your child when they have friends over or going to meet friends so you can make sure they don't talk about things you don't agree with. I did not have any romantic connections online, but had I had them and been monitored without my knowledge I would likely have lost all trust in my mother for good.

That said, you are his mother and you should do what you think is best for him. I only wanted to give my perspective on this as someone who was in a similar albeit not exactly same position to your son's at his age, so you can take that into consideration when making your decision. I think if you do decide to monitor his conversations he absolutely needs to be aware of any monitoring measures you have taken at least, so the transparency goes both ways.

I think you might have misread the "lifestyle" part of Minny's post, where she said they had previously planned on moving to a small town for lifestyle reasons. She did not in any way insinuate that being gay is a lifestyle, she actually specifically said she is aware it is not a choice.

 

No worries, Minny.

Like I said, I didn't take any offense. You just said some words/phrases that hit hot-button issues for me. Sorry if I inundated you with unnecessary rhetoric. And I apologize for reading more into your post than you actually wrote...

You're a great mom and so thoughtful. But remember you can't always protect your gay son, any more than you can protect the rest of your children in the longrun, he has to ultimately fend for himself. You can only love him unconditionally and support him when he needs it. Which you are clearly doing.

And, I agree about the weather in Edinburgh. It was only partly sunny one day of the week I was there. If it was sunny more often, I think it would be a truly awesome place to live (at least for me)!

Take Care and, again, I wish the best of luck to you and your family!

---------- Post added 5th Sep 2016 at 03:43 AM ----------

No worries, Minny.

Like I said, I didn't take any offense. You just said some words/phrases that hit hot-button issues for me. Sorry if I inundated you with unnecessary rhetoric. And I apologize for reading more into your post than you actually wrote...

You're a great mom and so thoughtful. But remember you can't always protect you gay son, just like the rest of your children, he has to ultimately fend for himself. You can only love him unconditionally and support him when he needs it.

And, I agree about the weather in Edinburgh. It was only partly sunny one day of the week I was there. If it was sunny more often, I think it would be a truly awesome place to live (at least for me)!

Take Care and, again, I wish the best of luck to you and your family!

 

You sound like an awesome mum. He's lucky to have you xxx

 

Decided to enter the conversation - my daughter is gifted and talented (G&T = Gin and Tonic kid) and she sees a therapist with a lot of experience in supporting G&T kids and their families. Could it be that your sons experience of being bullied and then taken out of school might still weigh very heavily on him? I still have terrible memories of changing schools when I was your son's age and being bullied for six months or more. The therapist my daughter sees does a great job with helping her develop all kinds of strategies for dealing with the challenges of being G&T. And on top of that your son now sees his sexuality as an extra burden. It really sounds like a good therapist could help him a lot.

 

So if they skype and that other boy looks like 14 and lives nearby they might meet with you attending at first.

The second thing that no one mentioned is about his high IQ. I am very glad that your son is homeschooled. This is the best for people like him. I and my friends belong to the clever kids aswell. It is very important that he learns how to use his abilities and gets some contact to people of his kind. He will be much happier and less isolated. No therapist necessary.

 

First quantumreality, completely agree with the bi prejudice.

Now then, I think you are doing the right things seeking guidance here, and you are getting all the right answers. Just keep being supportive, and make sure he knows he can ask you for anything... like if he wanted to see a psychologist again. Being high IQ he most likely doesnt have an "internal" problem understanding things, but if he is anything like I was (I was GT as a kid as well) he may not fully understand social cues from others how they react. I mean, anyone can have trouble with that obviously, but ni my experience he smartest people usually have the hardest time understanding people, especially their peers... Anyways, like I said, you are doing perfect, I just thought I would throw in my 2 cents.

 

Hey Minny,

I'm pretty certain that ABeautifulMind was simply agreeing with the short rant I posted on this thread about prejudice against bisexuals. So please don't worry about it!

As you and I already resolved earlier, you did NOT insult bisexuals in anyway. I misread one of your posts and went off on a tangent, for which I apologized. And I apologize again.

No bad on you. You did not offend anyone.

Take Care. Have a great day!:icon_bigg

 

Yea, see when I was ten my dad had a seizure for the first time, and I explained while the EMT workers were helping him that he was having a seizure or something that was effecting the motor cortex. I had just taken a trip to the University of Houston for a week long seminar on the brain. In 5th grade. But when it came to trying to make sense of how everyone else was behaving, especially my siblings... no chance. I also have Asperger syndrome though, basically high functioning autism, so it was probably a little worse for me than it will be for him. But what worked for me (before I knew I had it) was hanging out with older or younger people. Younger people tend to be blind to social awkwardness and since I could keep up in the conversation with older people pretty much 100%, I guess they overlooked eccentricities or else thought I was a cute kid

Just using that as an example of how I mean he probably understands himself just fine, but may not understand how others respond, especially people outside the family.

Anyways, just wanted to jot that down before I forgot, but now to your comment about bi, I didnt mean that reply to go to you at all... Just like quantum said, I was just commenting on his tangent. On that topic, my biggest complaint is the argument you hear about bi the most. Well that I do at least. Everyone always says your gay and wont admit it. So irritating. You would think they would see how straight people sometimes have a hard time understanding gay people because they have not experienced those feelings/attractions. Then you have gay people, the victim of so much misunderstanding, refusing to accept that maybe they have not experienced how bi people feel, much like straight people do not experience how gay people feel.

Lastly, once again, your an awesome mom. The world would be a far better place with more moms like you. In fact I can honestly say my mom is the reason I am not out of the closet. My dad is awesome. He cant keep secrets though. Seriously. He as diagnosed with brain cancer shortly after that seizure and now his memory is so bad he cant keep track of who knows what, so he frequently spoils surprises. This is one I wont risk him spoiling and outing me, albeit accidentally. All that to say, I wish my mom was a lot more like you