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Who should my 14 year old son tell he is gay?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Minny, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. Minny

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    Hi everyone,

    My son, who has just turned 14 last week, told me he was gay yesterday. I am very happy he did so and he knows we love him just as he is.

    I posted a couple of questions last night and an answer to one of them raised another question which I would be grateful to receive advice about.

    In one of my replies to a kind person who advised me, I'd said that I had talked with my son about telling strangers about being gay and that my view was that at his age he might be circumspect about telling people he didn't know in case of bullying, but he should do as he saw fit.

    I received a response to this saying I was coddling my son and that I was forcing him back into the closet.

    I wouldn't say my son has been in the closet very long, since he has only just recently discovered through puberty that he is gay and doesn't have much contact with peers since he is home-educated and not into friends much in general due to bullying when he was at school (because he is a bit different due to being 'gifted' (hate that term, but easiest one to describe him)).

    I certainly was NOT telling him that he shouldn't be open about his sexuality and I'm so glad he has been open with his nearest and dearest. But only that with people he doesn't know, he might exercise caution, since he is still a child. I'm very willing to admit that I may be wrong about this and hope that this advice I gave does not mean I was telling him to go into the closet...... My son seemed happy with what we were talking about. I do want to protect my son - all mothers do, hopefully - but acknowledge he will do what he wants to anyway. I can only be here for him.

    I am new to all this, so am very open and willing to hear others' opinions - which is why I am on this forum.

    Thanks very much for any advice about this particular issue about telling strangers - especially as the question: are you gay? from other kids is not necessarily just a nice interested question, but a form of taunting....Why should he 'come out' to these kinds of people? My feeling is that he has a right to his own privacy and that there is a difference in being 'in the closet' and 'being private' and only telling people you want to rather than being 'forced' out.

    Any advice from parents would be particularly welcome. Thanks!
     
  2. blightedsight

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    I thought I would respond here (also don't mind Robert, he really does mean well. His response was meant with your sons best interests, but as this is the internet things can seem to be even harsher than they were meant - in this case, his advice was more about being wary of what you say. I believe it would be unintentional but the wrong words could scare your son from being open. I can't recall how many kids I met that felt scared by advice so they bottled up their feelings with disastrous consequences).
    Its difficult to gauge how and when someone should tell people about their sexuality. One thing you must take into account is that your son had the emotional maturity to tell you. Telling parents regardless of how open they may be, is one of the hardest things an LGBT+ person can do, so I would bet your son has the wherewithal to judge who he can be open with.
    There is no right or wrong time, there is just the time you're ready, so no one can really tell you how to move on with him, rather just relate how they did it (and trust me, we all did it at different times and in different ways). Your advice to your son should simply be to tell whomever he trusts, and then tell him you will support him whatever happens.
    As I say, though, perhaps talk to a youth gay group such as the one tht I linked on the previous thread, as they have lots of people who can offer advice plus they will put him in touch with other young LGBT+ kids.
     
    #2 blightedsight, Sep 5, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2016
  3. Robert

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    My experience is that if you get asked, in an accusatory manner, by a bully whether you are gay or not, it is better to be truthful and say yes. The bully pretty much knows you are gay already and also expects you to say no and be ashamed... If you say no then the bully will likely see this denial as a weakness and carry on taunting you for being gay regardless... If you say yes and act proud then the bully will be put off their game and they will see the confidence you have in your sexuality as strength.

    If friends or classmates ask if you are gay out of curiosity then that is a different matter... Your son could say no or could say yes, the point is he should always be himself. If he is ready to tell people then that is what he should do. If he isnt, then fine. But I dont think that giving him advice to hide is the right thing to do.

    I am not all-knowing, so dont 100% take my word on any of this.

    I apologise if my comment in the other thread made you feel bad. I am not very good at talking to people.
    You sound like a great mum and many people on this forum would be very lucky indeed to have a mum as caring and supportive as you.
     
    #3 Robert, Sep 5, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2016
  4. Minny

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    Thanks very much blightedsight - I appreciate your advice. That's what I think too: that my son should tell people he trusts, which suggests that they are not strangers and he knows them. I will take a look at that link you sent - thanks so much.

    Thanks Robert - I wasn't offended (okay, I was just a tiny bit about the coddling!) and thank you for your honesty and also different viewpoint and advice, particularly about when being asked by a bully if you are gay, it is better to stand proud and say, yes. That's a very useful insight and I'm sure you are right.

    I think hiding who you are, would be harmful, I do agree. I wouldn't want my lovely son to ever do that. I think I was just advising as blightedsight said, for my son to tell people he trusts when and if he is ready. I was really thinking about the bully situation and your insight has really helped me on this issue and I will share it with my son.

    Thanks so much!
     
  5. Creativemind

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    I understand the concern about bullying. I also think high school students are jerks in general and will always find a way to bully someone.

    I never told anyone my sexuality in high school, but I was bullied for the aspergers I have that my parents made sure everyone knew about. I was mortified and didn't want anybody to know as all the students and teachers treated me horribly. Even if I didn't have it, I might have been bullied for other things, shyness, not dressing "cool", my artistic abilities, etc.

    So I completely understand but I also know that everyone gets bullied for something. Even if he only told people he trusted, there is still a risk that they could tell someone else and have it spread around the school.

    What should be more important for him to know is to actually be aware of the consequences of him doing this instead of saying outright not to. And that even his friends can turn against him. Secrecy and trusting people doesn't always help, especially since teenagers follow the crowd and aren't good at keeping secrets to begin with.
     
    #5 Creativemind, Sep 5, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2016
  6. Minny

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    Thanks Loli21, for your insight.

    My son is home-educated as he is 'gifted' so luckily isn't prey to school bullies anymore (since he was bullied before we took him out age 9 due to his being ever so slightly 'different' because of his intelligence). However, he does see kids at various classes he does.

    It is a difficult thing, isn't it? One has to balance being realistic about what kids are like when they want to appear 'cool' and think that putting someone down makes them look good; with being optimistic that people in general might be accepting and thus advising a policy of being completely open and honest.


    Thanks so much.
     
  7. bjanna

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    I understand where you were coming from when you gave those concerns. You're a mother, of course you want your son to be safe and not have to deal with kids or adults making fun of him for being gay. I think no matter what, if he feels the need to come out to someone he should be able to without being stopped(unless a serious safety issue but I doubt). But I do think that when young teens and people new to their identity and coming out are getting adjusted and comfortable in their skin and accepting themselves, it's important that they surround themselves with positivity and not negativity that could come from rude kids. That's why I think in that phase people don't get too excited with their newly discovered identity and come out to everyone. It's a personal journey more than anything else, so I suggest being cautious of who you come out to. I only came out to my family and close friends at first, and I'm still cautious about coming out, and usually only do it if it comes up in conversation or if someone asks, and I probably wouldn't if the person is someone I know isn't accepting. When kids are new in their identities, and young, it doesn't help to expose themselves to any negativity and hatred towards them for their identities. So I think what you said was fine, someone just took it out of context and blew it up.
     
  8. Minny

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    Thanks bjanna for your insightful advice. I agree totally. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, it really helps a lot. It is interesting to read differing opinions but yours matches my view most closely - thanks again so much.
     
  9. Chip

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    Good comments so far. Here are a couple additional thoughts.

    -- The most important thing for your son is to understand that if he tells anyone in any sort of peer social network (virtual or real life group of friends), the likelihood is that everyone in that network will know pretty quickly. If he's OK with that, then no problem. If he is concerned about who knows, then he may want to wait and be really cautious about to whom he discloses. Once you've discussed that with him, it's really his choice as to how he handles it.

    -- One of the best ways of addressing any sort of negative response (bullying, name calling, etc) is to simply let it roll off... if someone calls him "faggot", and he responds with "Yup!" or "Really? Is that the best you can do?" then it takes all the power out of the attempt at bullying... provided he's comfortable with who he is. Robert is correct that it is the denial and shame that the bully is typically trying to trigger.

    -- Simply being there and keeping communication open is most important for him, and it sounds like you're doing a great job of that.

    -- And i have to say that you're an awesome mom! A lot of teens here would love to have a parent as concerned and caring as you are :slight_smile:
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    I am going to comment on the social implications of your son being homeschooled; as I am the parent of two children whom were both homeschooled where my children are now off to university.

    Homeschooling does a very good job of providing a safe environment for your son. It allows him to focus on his studies and develop intellectually without significant noise from others; just as my children did.

    There is a but to this. As my children grew older into their late teenage years, they did struggle socially with others and had a very hard time adjusting when they went from a homeschooled environment to a schooling environment.

    You mention your son does not have a lot of friends, my suggestion to you is, please make sure you surround your son with every opportunity possible to express himself socially. Have him get involved in extracurricular activities, be around other kids, and "scrape himself" every now and then. He should make friends, and he needs to be exposed to social dynamics typical of a growing child.

    I am a full supporter of the benefits from homeschooling, and based on my experience, the added benefit of ensuring your son entrenches himself in socializing with others will be of great help as he grows and matures.

    Sounds like your a great mom! Good Luck!
     
    #10 OnTheHighway, Sep 6, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  11. Minny

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    Thank you Chip for your great advice. This is exactly what I was concerned about - that once you tell people on a network of any sort, then the word is out and he needs to think about that. I think he is aware of it, but I will discuss it with him tomorrow. I think he has decided to be cautious, from what he has said but not, I might add, in any way, going to hide who he is. Thanks so much for your words about me being a good mum - that is so appreciated!

    Your advice about how to respond in bullying situations is spot on - I am going to share that with my son. Quite right and brilliant advice, thank you.

    Thank you OntheHighway - you are so right. The big issue with home-schooling is always the 'socialising' one. My son does tons of extra-curricular stuff. I can't say he likes it much as he prefers to spend his time reading, but we 'force' him to do it for the reasons you mention: to roughen his edges a bit. He is pretty sharp-tongued and quick so is learning how to handle people, even those who aren't very pleasant. He doesn't have friends as it has been hard to find people on his wave-length (he knows lots of people but doesn't particularly like them) since he is very highly gifted. Hopefully, at university, he will meet more like-minded people and make friends. Through coming out, he has already made a friend whom he actually likes (!) online, so that has been great.

    Thanks so much for your comments about being a good mum - that means an awful lot. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Goldensun

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    Hi Minny,

    I've expressed my admiration for you as a parent before - and I'm still amazed at how hard you're working to be there for your son.
    I'm a single father of two daughters and my wife died when my youngest was four and my oldest was seven (she died on the evening of her 7th birthday). What helped me the most was the knowledge that I had to be there for my two kids but I also had to let them find their own way through life. And I had to trust myself and have trust in the scaffolding of love which my wife and I had built up around our kids from the moment they were conceived. They know they are loved and respected by me, they know I take enjoyment in all they do. And they are amazing kids. And so I have trust in them (and they are only 8 and 11). As hard as it is, they have to be responsible for their lives in ways that other kids don't have to be, but they also enjoy taking responsibility for themselves.
    And the other thing is, I am not shy about getting professional help when I need it. My oldest daughter is also gifted and she often gets furious about school being so boring and she was bullied badly in her first school, too. So I found out what support services are available for families with gifted kids and one of them recommended a child psychologist who works with lots of gifted kids and their families. She doesn't have any mental health issues, but the sessions with the psychologist are invaluable for her.
    I like the term "gifted" because I see her intelligence as a gift for all of us. And I do all I can to give her (and me) the support structures we need. They're just as much a part of the scaffolding of love as the actual love I give my kids. I've also been criticised by many people - including my wife's parents and I've had many women (often those without kids themselves) interfere and give me unwanted advice and also try and force themselves into my kids' lives. But I know what I'm doing and I'm confident that what I'm doing is the best thing for us as a little family.
    Sure I have doubts and fears and moments of intense loneliness - but I'm preparing my kids to go out into the world and be independent and confident young people.
    I have the impression that this is what you're also doing with your son - I'm still amazed at how he, a 14 year old, came to you and told you he was gay. You must have built up a very strong scaffolding of love for him to know it was OK to tell you. I can also understand your concerns about him coming out at inappropriate moments and to the wrong people. But once again, you've given him so much in his young life, that maybe you shouldn't worry too much. Sure he'll make mistakes, but he knows his family is there for him.
    My instinct would be to find what support services are available for gay teens and offer to take him along. Maybe there's even anti-bullying courses available. Because it might help if he had support from outside the family where he can share his experiences and learn to be responsible for himself outside of the wonderful support structures of his family. This was something I learnt after my wife died and I discovered support groups for children who'd lost a family member - my daughters were given the support and the space to approach grieving how they wanted to, and it helped them understand that they are responsible for their emotions.
    I hope it's ok sharing my story with you.
     
  13. Minny

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    Hi Goldensun,

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. First let me say how very sorry I am that you and your daughters lost your wife and their mum. I just can't imagine how horrendous that must have been and how painful and difficult it has been for you all and how much courage it takes to carry on in such circumstances with, as you say, times of intense loneliness, particularly when one is surrounded by people who seem to glide through life with no issues at all to deal with (though of course one never knows what goes on behind the gilded facade....)

    Thanks again for your words of encouragement for me as a mum. I see my kids as an immense blessing particularly due to certain hardships in my own and my husband's life and I feel very, very lucky to have kids at all and such great kids! I'm so grateful for this forum as of course as a straight woman I am somewhat limited in my knowledge of what being gay entails and have received some really great advice to questions that I had.

    I'm so glad you found the support you needed for your family. My son had quite a few issues from the bullying he was subjected to at school. I am so sorry to hear that your daughter also has suffered and glad that her new school is better. I just wish I had taken my son out of school earlier as home-education has worked wonders for his confidence, something the bullies took away from him. We did see a clinical psychologist for a few sessions just after he left school and it was immensely helpful and reassuring.

    My son has shot up and is now 5ft 10" though he has only just turned 14 last month and I realise that I do need to let go a bit and let him make his own mistakes....It's hard, isn't it, if you have been through some extreme situations (whatever they may be) yourself, and then your child experiences the nastier side of life with bullying, to not want to try to protect them as much and for as long as you can? I do feel, actually, since he has come out that he seems suddenly a lot more confident. I am immensely proud of him.

    I am, I admit, slightly allergic to the word 'gifted' only because up here in Scotland it is rather over-used and has been somewhat diluted. Also, I've found if I say my son is gifted (not to brag but to explain why he had to be taken out of school etc) others can feel I'm trying to claim some kind of status, when in fact I'm trying to explain that to have an IQ of 170 + can cause a kid to feel really isolated as he is on a different intellectual plane to other kids his age and therefore finds it really hard to find something in common to talk about.

    There is a LGBT young people's group in Edinburgh and I've suggested it for my son but he said he's not interested. He's not a 'group' type of guy! However, he has made a friend online in NZ and he is really enjoying talking to him. Perhaps it's something for the future.

    Thanks so much again for your support and so glad things are going well for you and your precious girls.
     
    #13 Minny, Sep 9, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2016
  14. tgboymom

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    I'm almost afraid to offer an answer to this... but I do feel compelled.

    This is YOUR child. I KNOW you want your child to be safe. I know you don't want your child hurt, bullied, bashed, beat up... etc as kids that age tend to be kinda cruel.

    When I was that age, we had a set of twins in our "group". One was gay, one was not, and both were accepted as equals. At 16, I used to go hang in the Village in NYC with male gay friends and had a blast. At 17, I went to gay clubs with them (yes, I'm female). We had a great time!! My gay friends were the most loyal and caring people I knew out of ALL of the group.

    My child is older, but one of the first things I did was look for a meeting of Trans folks of all ages. Although he is gifted, he was schooled (in grade school) in a public school who deliberately grouped children homogeneously which was a blessing. At that point, he hadn't yet expressed his desire to transition. It seemed to begin in high school... short hair cuts, choice of garb... etc. His group of friends were straight, gay, lesbian, trans.. all sorts and all protective of one another. At 17, he went to an Art Institute which gave him more leeway to express himself. It seemed EVERYONE found ways to express themselves at that school! :wink:

    People may say I'm wrong here.. I'm almost sure they will, but I still feel that who he informs should be limited to his group of friends.. to folks with whom he feels COMFORTABLE. Given he is home schooled, I would research (as I STILL DO with my older child), groups! The only group I found for my child is on the other side of the state, so.... it's just not possible, but given he doesn't have many friends, I continue to look and if I lived closer, I might rent a space and start a group myself and turn it over to someone who has experience in this arena. He has found a lot of friends ONLINE (which worries me), but so far, those people have been great. They are age appropriate and accepting. They have visited one another (and let me tell you, it's quite the distance). A couple of friends visited from GERMANY! I'm not suggesting this for a 14 year old by any means, but I do advocate looking for a group in which he feels at home. He'll learn a lot about who he can, should, will tell.

    I'm a different kind of animal when it comes to being questioned. If someone asked me, I would (and have) said "and this is your business... why"?

    Is there PFLAG where you live? Is it possible to contact them to see if there is a local group?


    I'm not saying that your son should live in fear, but I think he needs to be careful. When he's older, that will be another story. Here in America, I tell my kid to surround himself with other like-minded people simply because we have a presidential candidate who promotes violence and so many people we thought were good people are rearing their ugly, prejudice, xenophobic, white supremecist, homophobic heads.
     
  15. Minny

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    Many thanks for your insight tgboymom. I can tell you care very deeply for your son - that certainly shines through your comments.

    I have offered the idea of the local LGBT group here but my son is not a 'joiner' and said, 'no thanks.' He has met a nice boy on the internet his own age and is really happy with this new friendship/burgeoning relationship. My husband said a quick hi to the boy to check he was who he said he was - because obviously all parents are a bit wary of internet relationships - and he seems very nice. I think the internet is probably going to be the way my son connects with other people and we've been super-open with him about the pitfalls of online chatrooms etc etc.

    I feel I've learned a ton of stuff since joining this forum a mere 6 days ago! Thanks so much for your input.
     
  16. Robert

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    If your son joins this forum and posts in Ask The Staff exclusively he can ask questions of the experts/admins here entirely privately and without your knowledge.

    It may be good for him.

    Just a thought x
     
  17. Minny

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    Hi Robert,

    Thanks for that. I've told my son about this forum/site and he's already been on a few times to look at comments to my questions and whatever else has interested him. I'm sure it's been helpful to him.

    Of course he does all sorts of searchings on the internet 'privately' and 'without (my) knowledge' - but he does like to tell me most things....that's just the kind of relationship we have. Of course, what he tells me is up to him!