As difficult for me as it is for him...

Lately I'm getting the idea that when I participate in threads, I am WRONG in the points I make or advice I offer.

I don't want to give up on this site..... Some of the folks here have literally saved our lives by letting me know how to get my child's transition started and in the year since, so many positive changes have happened.

Now, because of "you're wrong, You're insensitive" comments, I'm beginning to believe I should go off and try to figure this stuff out on my own. I'm asking my son if I'm wrong when I say that he needs to be careful about coming out to certain folks. If he doesn't have an interest in them romantically, it really isn't any of their business.. He agrees.... our personalities and talents trump our sexuality in most cases.

I want to make a point that being a parent of an LGBT child isn't easy. No one put an instruction book in the baby's basinet when he/she was born to inform us as to what we should do if/when this should become an issue.

It seems that if you try to be openminded, you're not openminded enough. If you walk away, you're a piece of crap for doing so. If you make sacrifices to improve your child's life.... the sacrifices aren't worth diddly squat.

Is there a book of instructions telling us what we should/shouldn't do... say/not say?

There have been times I feel like it would be better for me to just leave this earth because I either don't have the finances, or I say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing about it. WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DOOOOOOOOO! Someone tell me! My child has confirmed my idea that I still need to be a mama bear, and he is still the baby bear... LGBT or not.

Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I just disappeared from my child's life..... permanently. Maybe he would be better off without me. THIS ISN'T A PITY PARTY.... this is just an expression of emotions I've been dealing with for a very long time... ever since I found out about him.

I've been living life by strings left in my purse, I've given up my friends who disapproved, I recently gave up my ENTIRE family for displaying such cruel beliefs. I'm financing surgery (and still trying to figure out how to pay for it). I don't even attempt to get medical help for myself because there's no way I can come up with money for both... my trans son and treatments that would extend, prolong my life.

I figue.. I STILL HAVE TO BE A MOTHER. Are mothers seen as enemies.. unwelcomed? :tears: I still see myself as my child's biggest advocate.

It's such a fine line. I feel we still have to be mothers, no matter what the situation. Oh.. and my kid just contacted me regarding my question. He feels that if the only thing he has in common is because he's part of a minority, then there isn't much there at all.

He says even when he's misgendered, he doesn't fuss about it. By doing this, he removes himself from a potentially dangerous situation.

Parents fear for the safety of their children. ::shaking head:: I am not the enemy.

 

It is CERTAINLY not my intention to hurt anyone... at all. This is a huge part of my spirituality. The comments have given me pause in thinking that I'm doing something wrong by suggesting that an LGBT person...ESPECIALLY a youth, should come out to people in his/her own time.

My comment about meeting a stranger and not introducing myself as "Hey, I'm straight and I made out with so an so" was a MINOR example of how I remember when I was 14 years old. We knew who was gay, who wasn't, and no one was exempt from our group. It CERTAINLY was not meant to be INSENSITIVE or INSULTING. It was meant to say that even kids don't go discussing their sexuality right off the bat with strangers.


Do you know what my biggest fear is? My tg son going into a men's restroom (even though I bought him the best and most expensive prosthetic available). I'm afraid unsavory men will catch on and decide to teach him a lesson and rape him. I can't be the ONLY mother to fear this... can I? The statistics speak for themselves.

If my responses to other mothers who are questioning their parenting skills are completely incorrect..... I should keep my mouth shut... I know, but what if something i have to say will help?

If I am WRONG or INSENSITIVE HERE, how much more am I being wrong and insensitive to my very own child... the love of my life... my responsibility.

I'm hurt and I fear all at the same time.

As I've said... this place saved our lives. Things didn't start getting better until I started getting information and support from this site. I just wanted to be part of it and pay it forward any way I could. Forgive my ignorance. I'm winging it too.

 

I hold NO animosity for those who are of the opinion that I'm insensitive or WRONG. After all, these are just opinions. Also, my statements are opinons as well, and I do believe I am entitled to them as a MOTHER of a Transgender child. My experience is limited, but my opinions are of that of a mom who is making every attempt to help her child navigate his difficult world.

I just can't see how the "insensitive" remarks are warranted...and they hurt considering all we've been through. Unless a parent is that of perfection, I believe ALL parentls of LGBT kids go through a hell of a lot.

I believe in love and respect, as my faith commands. I even write this message with love and respect. That's all I need..... another thing for which to be guilty.

 

I think there's a little misunderstanding here. I was responding to someone else who's child is 14 with the replies I mentioned.

My own TG Son is 30!! He just turned 30 on the 12th!! (!) It's a big deal around here so I get a tad excited. We tend to kind of overdo his birthday. It starts on the 12th of September and this year it won't be over until he gets the last of his presents on the 22nd of October! LOLOL I'm taking him for a double mastectomy on the 29th of this month so he'll be recovering here for a month. We are doing a second birthday celebration about 3 weeks after the surgery. Hopefully he'll have recovered enough to enjoy his party and his guests.

I trust my son. I fell in love the day he was born.. I continually encourage him. He truly deserves it too as he is a talented musician, artist, intellect, environmentalist... Oh Lord, I could go on and on about him. I better stop here because this can go on all night. lol Ok.. one more thing..he's a kind, concerned, generous Christian soul. Ok.. no more...I promise. hahaha

 

First... you just absolutely shocked me! I wouldn't have dreamed that anyone, no matter who or what age would so easily introduce their gender/sexual preference etc "as easily as they would introduce themselves with their name". I did suggest to this mom that her son "come out" to people he trusts... friends...love interests.. etc. I think many, many things when it comes to coming out and not by personal experience, but by living it vicariously through my own child's pain, confusion and of course, happiness.

My son just turned 30 (!) and we've had this conversation many times already and he and I are really in agreement about this particular aspect. I never outed him until he outed himself publically. I think it was Trans day or something and that was the day he chose to post it publically on fb. I'm sure most people already knew or had some idea because of how drastically his appearance had changed over time. Even then I ASKED if I could tell Aunt so and so or my best friend, or cousins etc. I took it a step further and asked if I could do it like he did it.

I did it like ripping off a bandaid. I got it all over with at once shared his post about being trans. and I did that for a reason. I was getting sick to friggin' death about so called "friends" on my fb who would post memes or inappropriate jokes regarding LGBT things.. espectially the T. I would sit behind my screen and want to jump through it and smack them but I couldn't say anything until it was ok. So bam.... I shared the post and asked that anyone who has a problem with it remove themselves from my friends list.

I took it from there. If someone was still being insensitive after I specifically announced that my child is trans, I just deleted them and when I got a private message asking me WHY I removed them I explained that my child has access to my page and besides the fact that I didn't want him exposed to this negativity, I want nothing to do with anyone who would behave this way KNOWING that I have a trans child! To me, it's deliberate cruelty to my child and completely disrespectful to me.

I had begun to plan J's second birtrhday party... the "its a boy" party, and found out soon after that my family had problems with him that they were hiding from me. However it came out, I cut my family from my life that day too. OH the best one was J's insurance agent!!!! He was on my friends' list, he knew that J is trans, and he went ahead and made his jokes anyway. As for him, I called the home office of the insurer and said I needed to cancel the policy and pick it up with another company and told them why. This is a life policy that is more like a savings plan so their perfect client is one who pays that bill on time and never cashes it in... and I would have paid that for as long as I live or until he reallllllllly needed the money. That agent pissed me off. It was unprofessional.

Some of the losses saddened me, but no matter how old my son is, it is MY responsbility to continually support him and if that means cutting the same people from my life that my child feels he needs to cut from his, then so be it.

Anyway, this diabribe is getting out of hand so let me say that it is never my position that he should keep himself a secret, but he does need to be careful.... especially where he works right now. He tells me about the sort that frequent this place, and it scares me!

It'll get easier very soon. He'll be coming here in a couple of weeks and I'm taking him to get his top surgery. I feel good about the fact that the procedure will help to avoid being misgendered. Once this is done, he'll feel good about going back to finish his degree ON campus rather than online (he'll need labs.. he needs to be on campus). I've already begun getting the info to change his gender marker from his birth state, and it's easy enough to change his name legally. I'm already making notes to change his name on accounts and life insurances and right of survival on my own bank accounts, our wills (his father's and mine).. So I believe I am on the right path for my own kid. My suggestion to this other mom was kind of benign... it was more about the age of the child than any LGBT issue, but from now on, I'll just have to be more careful and try to stop thinking like a mother when I reply to someone.

Thanks for the insight!

PS. I don't remember seeing your age and I'd truly like to know more. Hey, I grew up as a tomboy and was treated at such. Heck, I still am and I'm 54! So I would like to know more about your situation.