1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Need advice: 13 year old son on Skype

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Einsteinmom, Sep 20, 2016.

  1. Einsteinmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Good morning. I am new to this forum and would like some advice regarding my 13 year old son. He is a quiet kid, a few friends at school but does not hang around them outside of school. He is big into computer gaming and over the years has made several friends on Skype through there. They are all actually teens and that is not my concern, he has even met one in person.

    He started getting really secretive with his Skype account, minimizing it quickly if we entered the room, closing his door really tightly. It was pretty clear to me he was hiding something. So when he left my Ipad logged into his Skype account, I checked it (out of concern). In one of his conversations a few months back, he came out as Bi to his Skype friends. Not a big deal to me, I didn't say anything and figured he would come out to me when he was ready. I am fine with it.

    Fast forward a few months, he recently had a bit of a freak out when I picked up he Ipad that it might still be logged in. So, I decided to check it again and see what was up. His conversations on there now really shocked me a bit. He has several conversations going at once, but in one of them he and a friend are talking about experimenting anally with objects and talk about wanting to do things in real life (not with each other, just in general, like a longing to actually be with someone). I was a bit floored by the nature of it all.

    So mostly I am worried about him putting this stuff out there to people and wanting to act on these desires. He is only 13! I realize he has no other outlet for this stuff as he has not even come out to anyone other than these kids. I did speak with him about his use of the internet and how things put out there will always be out there. Really emphasized never putting photos of himself and he said he understood (also looked like he wanted to crawl under a rock). I told him if I ever found any he would be removed permanently. But the conversations are still going.

    Sorry this is long, but is there anything else I should be doing or saying to him? I'm at a loss. I have no problem with him being bi or gay, but never expected this kind of graphic sex talk.

    Thanks for listening!
     
  2. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello Einsteinmom,

    Thank you for posting here on EC. We'll try to help you in any way we can.

    Is your main concern:
    - That he may be experimenting with himself?
    - How explicit his discussions are with others about experimenting?
    - His online activity overall?
    - The fact that he hasn't talked to you about his sexual identity?

    All of the above? None of the Above?
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Sep 20, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
  3. Einsteinmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you.

    Mostly my concern is how explicit his conversations are with others about experimenting. But I am also concerned about his online safety, and that his desires may lead him to seek out someone to act on them with.

    Him experimenting bothered me at first, but I realize that it is likely normal as masturbating is for someone straight. But this is all new to me, so I'm just guessing at that.

    I know he will come out to us when he is ready.
     
  4. killswitch0029

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,084
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New England
    You have the right to be concerned. You also have the right to monitor your son. Just when you do have talks with him be careful not to sound invasive or subtly drop any hints that you are monitoring him. You mentioned before that he looked like he wanted to crawl under a rock. Although, like I said, you have the right to monitor him, teenagers are complex creatures (wordings kind of odd, I know, lol) and hate when they feel like their privacy is invaded. Just continue to be supportive and, like you said, he'll fill you in on things when he feels ready.
     
  5. Einsteinmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I told him that I suspected because if his actions, that he may be talking about inappropriate things. He does not think I looked, but his face was because he knew I was right. So I should let these conversations continue and just monitor them? Is his experimental normal?
     
  6. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Einsteinmon,

    You sound like a very concerned, open, and caring mother. Thank you for working to support your son in this way!

    I am very glad that you respect your son’s privacy with regard to his sexual identity! That’s very important. It is SO hard to talk to parents about sex, most especially at that age. Then, image, if you will, trying to tell YOUR parents that your sexual identity is something other than heterosexual. He should be able to Come Out to you (or not Come Out) at his own comfort level and on his own timeline.

    As I’m sure you know, many of us begin to understand our sexual identity around puberty. It sounds very much like your son is exploring his. The experimenting is normal. The fact that you know he came out as Bisexual to his Skype friends could either mean that he is exploring that possibility in himself or that he has come to that realization. (Some people decide in their own minds that they are bisexual because they are curious, but later learn that they were really just straight all along. Some people who are gay find the pressures of society, religion, etc so imposing that they first try to convince themselves that they are bisexual because it doesn’t seem “as bad.”) Besides the fact that he is a teenager, given how shy you say he is, he is probably extremely embarrassed to have you even overhear him talking to someone else about his sexual identity. Unfortunately, this journey is something that he must make alone. You can only be supportive of him.

    Having said that, I agree with killswitch0029 that you should monitor your son’s online activities, hopefully as subtly as possible. Only knowing the little that you wrote about the explicit nature of his conversations, nothing seems too out of the ordinary – you can’t really talk in any detail about sex without being explicit. I think the real concern here is WHO he is having these discussions with. If he is talking to peers, these discussions are natural – especially since you said he doesn’t really have any friends that he hangs out with in real life. But, there are many predators online – some of whom masquerade as fellow teenagers – and that is definitely something you should be concerned about – particularly if he is Skyping with or sending pictures of himself to “friends.” As far as the Skyping goes, I don’t think it would be too invasive to insist that you ‘meet’ each of his online Skyping friends at least once – so that you can verify that they are his peers and not predators. Setting other rules for his Internet/online activity may be necessary and he may very well consider them an invasion of his privacy, but perhaps a sit-down talk with him would be in order - to pick up where you left off. You could discuss your specific concerns for his security and his privacy and perhaps come to mutually agreeable (as much as possible) rules that can make you comfortable and ensure his privacy and security.

    I do have one more thing I’d like to address. You said that one of his conversations was about experimenting anally with objects. The concern there is that he not injure himself (by using items around the house instead of actual sex toys, lack of using lubrication, etc). I know of one guy whose mom caught him experimenting anally with household items. As a concerned mother, she bought him several sex toys and lubrication and set up a doctor’s appointment to make sure he hadn’t accidentally injured himself (he hadn’t). That was a practical response, but of course totally embarrassed her son – but he got over it.

    Just some thoughts.

    I don’t know if that helps.

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
    #6 Quantumreality, Sep 20, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
  7. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I talked about stuff like that when I was his age with friends....Now I'm 26 and still have not done anything sexual.

    So I can see this from two different sides. First, once sexual curiosity starts to cross the line to being inappropriate you need to put your foot down. You need to make sure that he understands all the consequences of what he wants to do so he doesn't make a grave mistake at his age.

    On the other hand, It's normal for teens to be curious and want to find a sexual outlet. Masturbation is the best outlet at a young age, they don't need to be doing anything else, and sometimes talks with friends are just talks. They could want to share their curiosity with each other, but you have to make sure it doesn't go beyond that. I do not recommend trying to stifle his sexual curiosity completely, as it can lead to him actually having sex behind your back, or lead to extreme shame that will make it impossible for him to have a healthy sex life as a an adult.

    It also depends on who the friends are. If they're peers his age, It's 100% normal and censoring it completely can do harm. However, you should monitor for predators online.

    So basically: Sexually curious teenagers are being normal, but they don't literally need to be involved in adult relationships. Try to find a balance between the two for him.
     
    #7 Creativemind, Sep 20, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
  8. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I want to echo Creativemind on that point. If it is just TALK, no harm, no foul. If he's actually meeting someone at his age to experiment as explicitly as you are saying that would definitely be a cause for concern, to me. But that's just my opinion.
     
    #8 Quantumreality, Sep 20, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
  9. Einsteinmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    It appears to be just talk, and most of these kids live out of state. AND, 75% of his Skype usage is typing in chat. He only video chats when they are playing a video game. Since he has known these kids a few years, I have seen most all of them on screen at one point or another to know they are all awkward teens. I will be on high alert for new contacts and new conversations with people I've not heard of.

    Thank you so much for all your advice thus far. I am feeling much better about the situation. I want to be there for him in any way I can, but realize I need to wait until he is ready to share. Which I'm assuming may not be for some time.

    I share the same concerns about him injuring himself, but without me "knowing", I'm not sure I can address it yet.
     
  10. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Einsteinmom,

    I'm glad that we could help you to ease at least some of your anxiety a little bit.

    One way you could show positive support - and potentially make any Coming Out easier - would be to drop subtle hints that show the open-minded acceptance that you have stated here. For example, if you are watching a TV program or movie together and there are any references to LGBTQ people or issues, you could make positive comments about that.

    If you really believe that he is potentially bisexual or gay, you might also consider contacting a local PFLAG (Parents Families Friends of Lesbians & Gays) group for information, advice, and support.


    Now, I'm definitely against forced Outings, but there is one primary situation when that tenet can justifiably be broken, in my opinion. That is when the health/welfare of the individual involved is at risk. IF you come to believe that your son may be experimenting unsafely and you really think he may injure himself, you may not have a choice but to confront him - uncomfortable as that may be for both of you. But I would hope that you would make it abundantly clear to your son at such a point that you are ONLY doing it because of your concern for his health, NOT to invade his privacy. And I certainly hope that it never comes to that.

    Good luck!

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
    #10 Quantumreality, Sep 20, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
  11. Einsteinmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you Quantunreality! I appreciate all of your help with this. I don't want to forcefully out him, but if I feel he is in any kind of danger or may hurt himself, I will.

    I will definitely make it a point to hint around that we are LGBTQ friendly, maybe it will make him more comfortable coming out eventually.
     
  12. Calf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    UK, Leeds
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Einsteinmom, it sounds like you are coming at this with the right approach, cautiously respecting your son and his ability to make the right choices. It's good that your offering him this level of freedom because this situation really is a new challenge in parenting.
    I would definitely recommend that you have a conversation about the risks of online socialising. Not everybody is who they say they are and even if his judgement is good, his online friends might not be as sensible when it comes to inviting new people to the group.
    As for outing him, could you not just have a sex talk in general. Tick all the boxes at once, sexual orientation, STI's, consent, pornography, experimentation, etc. In all honesty you might need a hard drink afterwards but no matter how awkward it is it will definitely be positive and may even be a life saving conversation.
    It's better that he gets the honest facts from you rather than most other questionable sources and once he's comfortable that your relationship is not conditionally based on his sexuality, he may feel more inclined to discuss it with you.
     
  13. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You know, Calf, I was thinking of asking Einsteinmom if they've already had 'the sex talk' and, if not, maybe expand it beyond hetero issues, but is that 'normal' today? When I grew up, my parents only gave me the hetero talk - that was back when typewriters typed in pencil.) Can parents today bring up LGBTQ sexual orientation issues or even experimentation in any detail without causing suspicion?

    I backed off that suggestion because I was concerned that their son might take that as a direct phishing attempt to get him to Out himself. But I guess it depends on how it was handled and probably needs some serious advanced preparation by the parents.

    Quantum
     
  14. BobObob

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2012
    Messages:
    577
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If he's thinking of using miscellaneous objects as anal sex toys, that is a major health concern. A lot of people are treated in ERs for objects that got stuck up there. I don't think there's any easy way to go about this, but it might be best for you to have a frank talk with him about what you found, and later offer to buy him a dildo (along with anal-safe lube) so that he won't hurt himself.

    I'm sure that this suggestion to buy a sex toy for your child is shocking, but it would be much better for him to experiment safely than either for him to hurt himself because he tried to use household objects, or than him meeting with a friend (who might not be who he thinks they are) to experiment with.
     
  15. Calf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    UK, Leeds
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's a good point and personally I don't think it is normal. I didn't even get the hetero' talk and I don't know many that did - from a parent anyway. The sad thing is that it should be normal. Seriously, how weird is it that for most parents they would rather have a total stranger be the first person to introduce their child to the world of sex and sexuality?! Social taboos can result in some strange reasoning for all of us.

    To avoid directly addressing sexuality the conversation should be based on sexual health rather than reproduction. Instead of starting "when a man and woman..." use "when two loving people..." or "when consenting adults" etc.

    Sex for reproduction accounts for such a tiny portion of all the sexual encounters in the world but due to prudish views gets most of the PR. The fact is most sex is about pleasure and young people should know that. They should understand that if any party of a sexual act (male or female) isn't enjoying it, it's wrong. They should know that there is little fun in sitting in an STI clinic waiting to find out if you made the mistake of your life. They should be able to identify the difference between fantasy porn and real world expectations.

    Maybe of all things the key message to get through to kids is that regardless of what you have in your pants, you only get one so respect it, look after it, learn to love it but most importantly use it wisely. Regardless of who you choose to share it with.

    Good strong parents, such as the OP who took the step of coming here for advice, will be the ones to change outdated social taboos by having these discussions with their kids so that for future generations it is just the normal thing to do.
     
  16. Einsteinmom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you all. To address some things: I have attempted to have the general sex talk with him, got most of what I wanted to say out but I could see he wanted to shrivel up and die of embarrassment so I cut it shorter than I would have liked. I did not touch on any same sex topics as I didn't know any of this at the time. Not that I would say it now either, but I would have made it more generic. I keep asking my husband to talk to him more in depth, but he's of the opinion that "no one spoke to him at this age and he figured it all out just fine". It's very frustrating.

    I also have had the internet safety talk numerous times. Weirdly, most of the porn he's looking at is anime porn (which I didn't even know existed!). I don't see any history on this computer that says he's watching real life porn.

    As for the sex toys, I understand where you are all coming from, but I'm not sure I could bring myself to buy him one just yet. From a parents perspective, this is my baby. The mere thought of him using one just doesn't compute yet. If I find more evidence that he's actually experimenting, I will cross that bridge. For all I know now, it could just be talk to sound cool to this friend.

    This has all got me a little down and I wonder if that's a normal reaction for a parent? I'm not sure why, if its out of worry or because he's growing up or what.
     
  17. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Einsteinmom,

    That's completely normal. Like you said, you still think of him as your baby, but this issue has made it abundantly clear to you that he is growing up quickly and will be ready to go out into the world on his own all-too-soon.

    Clearly, it's hard to deal with, but it's normal and you seem to be doing all you can do to support him in his struggle to manhood.:thumbsup:

    That's disappointing. But if he won't even have a hetero sex talk with your son, it doesn't sound like he would be comfortable having a non-heterosexual sex talk with him - or even something as non-gender specific as Calf outlined. It's also unfortunate because the prevalence of STIs (including HIV) has increased in our younger generation and it would seem to be tied to a general lack of education on the subject.

    It sounds like you at least have been able to take a wider perspective of your situation from this website. Best of luck with everything. You can always come back here to voice new concerns or ask questions!

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
  18. candygirl5

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    nj
    Gender:
    Female

    HI There - I am a mom too. Defintely have the sex talk if you haven't already and cover ALL topics. It's 2016 and you are in NYC your son has probably been exposed plenty of times to all kinds of relationships. Your issue is with is safety and that you made clear, I do not see the harm in talking about orientations. He knows you, you're his mom! Don;t pretend you are someone YOU are not because you don't want to "out" him. If you were talking to anyone elses child with the same issue would you exclude that part of the convo?
     
  19. ABeautifulMind

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2014
    Messages:
    354
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Third Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    I just suggest using as covert phishing operations as you can...

    Like watching LGBT+ friendly movies. Or maybe when something comes up about marriage equality show support... Or when something comes up about religious freedom laws say something like, "I cant believe those people using God to hate others" or something like that.. Just doing little things like that, making your LGBT support known, I can almost guarantee he will come out a lot sooner than without. By showing its not a major deal to you and your completely ok with it, you will alleviate a lot of the stress associated with coming out... Of course this is all assuming he is bi and not just curious, as an earlier post eluded to.... If your curious you dont come out I wouldnt think... Its not until your completely aware of your sexuality that you usually come out..

    You seem pretty well covered on the online safety and sexual experimentation fronts.

    Im not sure if you have ever heard of last week tonight or not, but you might check that out... You can watch it free on youtube... There are some seriously LGBT friendly episodes and he is pretty funny... If you like him and think your son can handle the somewhat mature content, it might be something to consider watching with him... But you would have to watch non lgbt episodes too, and in fact would probably want to wait a while before watching a LGBT one, because I know you dont want to out him unless it becomes necessary... But there are episodes about FIFA, NCAA, and a bunch about government and politics.. They are all pretty informational, and they are all pretty spot on with the morality of the issue... Just figured I would mention it... But definitely watch the ones you want to watch with him first I think, because it is HBO, and sometimes he uses that... one episode I remember has nudity, and he frequently uses foul language... Plus he does advocate for sides on issues, and I dont want you to end up having him watch one where you dont agree with Jon Oliver (although If I am being honest, that has not yet happened with me) I know this sounds like a lot of "if you can handle this," and "be ok with that".... honestly though, the show is really good so despite the language and all, you should give it a chance... especially if you can watch them with him, because agreeing with jon oliver on the LGBT issues when you watch them, would be pretty helpful I bet with your son...

    Srry for the novel, but Last Week Tonight is the only show other than Glee with frequent LGBT issues in them that I can think of... and it requires a lot of explanation when considering whether or not a 13 year old can watch it lol...

    Anyways, either way I wish you luck, I hope things go well, though to be honest, what I have seen you write, I cant imagine it going any other way but well... Sorry if im way off base with the jon oliver suggestion :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: