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New scenario

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Einsteinmom, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. Einsteinmom

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    I posted a few days ago about my son coming out as bi to his friends on Skype (see thread below). You were all so kind as to give me great advice and I appreciate it so much. I have a new scenario and wanted to see if you could give your opinion on this as well.

    My son apparently made a few new friends at school (we are only three weeks into the year). He doesn't have many friends in real life so I am happy about this. When checking his text messages, it does appear that these two kids are also either gay or bi, and there were some sexual references. Now I feel like I don't want him to hang out with them. He is only 13 and that is too young (in my opinion) to be having these experiences. But since he's not out to us yet, what can I do other than have a serious sex talk and then trust he does the right thing. I don't know these kids or if their parents supervise them at all, but I would think at 13 that they are not watching their every move. They talked about going to a nearby park and I'm assuming parents won't be there.

    Sorry I keep coming to you with these issues, but I don't have anyone in my life to talk to since no one knows.
     
  2. faustian1

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    Thirteen year old boys, more or less 8th grade kids, do all kinds of things that their parents don't know about. Speaking from experience, I suppose this hasn't changed much in decades. By that time, I was very interested in sex and certainly did some crude experimenting with other kids my age (I was shy; it was usually at their prompting but it was quite welcome).

    These days, on social media, it's quite a bit worse. However, I think the in-real-life friends probably are more desirable, with some exceptions. The exceptions include substance abuse or criminal behavior. So, initially I would suggest trying to find out more about those kids, from those angles.

    And of course you'd have to have the "talk" at some point, but how does a parent open that channel with a 13 year-old?

    Another important point is that from reading here, I think it would be good news that a gay-leaning 13-year-old is making gay-leaning friends at school. Far too many kids on EC don't have those friends, and they end up engaging in self destructive behavior and hurting themselves. I think the tradeoff here is a good one. Sure, your kid is probably discussing sexy stuff with those kids, but at least he's got someone he can confide in. I would try to "make lemonade" out of this situation.

    At 13, I was well on my way to finding out how things worked in the world. Sure, it was awkward, but I survived.

    How do you think you could open the line of communication with your son that includes a bit more openness about sex? I never had that communication with my parents. One of my friends in college amazed me at the things he discussed with his mother. It seemed he would tell her anything. I was a bit jealous, as I recall. It's kind of rare.

    Raising a adolescent male can be a challenge. I ought to know--I was on the other side of that transaction once. :dry:
     
  3. GayBatman

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    You're afraid "meet at the park" is code for "let's have sex". You're right to be afraid with all the STIs in the world. Having sex when you're not ready can be heartbreaking. He would eventually regret it.

    You seem like a good parent and you shouldn't feel guilty for checking his texts.

    BUT you have to remember that your son is entering puberty. His body is being ravaged by hormones and he's curious about sex like all young boys are.

    I recommend having the sex talk with your son. Let him know that it's okay to be interested in sex but that sex is something that should only be shared with people you love and that he is too young to have sex.

    He may be upset at first but he'll eventually agree with you. Hope this works out for the both of you.
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hello again, Einsteinmom,

    Are you mainly concerned that he may be preparing to engage in sexual activity with his friends? As with the reference to anal exploration, do you have any real reason to believe that it is more than talk?

    If he is either exploring his sexuality or has already determined it, having gay and/or bi friends that he can talk to openly and honestly is normal. He needs a support group that he can trust and rely on – especially until he is ready to tell you. It would also be natural that he would want to talk to them away from parents ears – especially if the other kids are also in the closet.

    These other kids are his peers (i.e. same age group), correct?
     
  5. Totesgaybrah

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    I think it is important that you have the sex talk with him, keep it gender neutral, think about providing him with condoms. Let him know that you are not promoting him to have sex but that if he is going to have sex that it is extremely important that he wear a condom.

    I'll echo Faustian1, kids at this age do all kinds of things that their parents will most likely never know about, I know I did. The best thing you can do is provide him with the knowledge necessary to navigate the teenage years, and hope that he makes the right decisions.

    I know things are different now than they were when I was 13 (I guess) but I don't think it is healthy for a parent to be watching a kids every move at age 13. Know who his friends are, know who his friends parents are and know where he is if he is out somewhere. During these years it is important to have trust between you and you're child, you need to be able to trust him and he needs to be able to trust you. Once trust is broken it is very hard to reestablish, having and not having trust in your're relationship could mean the difference between him confiding in you or keeping secrets, or any number of other scenarios.

    Don't be sorry about asking questions thats what this place is for and you are a great mother for seeking this type of help.

    I'm not an expert or a parent but I don know what it is like growing up as a closeted gay guy.
     
  6. Einsteinmom

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    Yes, these kids are peers. Gauging from his interest in sex and his raging hormones, I am worried that he may engage in sexual activity. But so far, I have no definitive proof that he has experimented yet and I feel at this point it is just talk. But I definitely think there is interest in trying things. And I do totally agree that he needs someone to talk to, but I'm afraid it will lead to other things as I'm sure these kids have the same raging hormones.

    I do definitely feel an in depth sex talk is in order. He will be mortified but things need to be said. I'm just not sure how to start and if my talk will prevent him from doing something he will regret.
     
  7. Totesgaybrah

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    .
     
  8. Quantumreality

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    Well, Einsteinmom, I feel for you, but as you can see from the other comments here, what he is doing is normal - even at his age - and you don't want to risk pushing him away by being too overtly intrusive, do you?

    If he's talking about sex or potentially engaging in some sex play with his friends, the main concern would be that he is safe. You said that you cut the original 'sex talk' short because he was becoming very uncomfortable, as were you. Perhaps you could tell him you wanted to continue that talk and focus on things such as STIs and how they can be transmitted, regardless of whether the sexual activity is opposite-sex or same-sex. At this point, you might consider buying him a supply of condoms and make sure he knows how to use them.

    As Totesgaybrah and faustian1 indicated, if he wants to do this kind of stuff, he will and you can't really stop him without all sorts of potential negative consequences for him and for your relationship with him.

    Also, have you looked into finding a local PFLAG group as I previously mentioned?

    I don't know if this helps.
     
    #8 Quantumreality, Sep 26, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
  9. Einsteinmom

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    Yes, the nearest one is about a half hour from me, which is quite surprising. But they do have peer groups that meet and once he is out I am certainly willing to make the drive. I didn't see any parent groups, and I think I could probably use one, but I will keep looking.

    And you are right, if he really wants to do these things he will find a way (as he would if he were straight). I just need to make sure he is informed.

    Thank you all for your help again. I'm really thankful I found this group. I appreciate your non-judgement of my clearly naïve ways. I am working on it!
     
  10. Quantumreality

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    We don't think you're naive. We truly appreciate and respect parents of LGBTQ kids interacting with us and asking whatever questions are on their minds. It's hard enough to be a parent. Dealing with situations that you've never had to experience nor maybe even ever considered, can be daunting.

    I know some kids that age even experiment with anal sex (as Totesgaybrah indicated). Personally, I didn’t at that age because I was scared that I might be gay and certainly wasn’t trying to prove to myself that I was. I did, however, engage in a little other, uh, sexual exploration with a neighbor boy who was also 13. I was also very shy - and you indicated that your son is also shy, so that may very well keep him from going too far too fast.

    You may want to check out the Resources section here on EC. Specifically, you might find useful information in the Health section:

    Health Information

    Best of luck. And don't hesitate to come back to EC any time you have more questions or concerns!

    Take Care.:slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2016 at 12:06 PM ----------

    You may want to call them and tell them what you are looking for. If they don't currently have a support group along the lines that you are looking for, they probably can tell you where you can find one or at least provide you with other resources that may meet your needs.
     
    #10 Quantumreality, Sep 26, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
  11. I'm gay

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    From my experience -

    I was sexually experimenting at your son's age, even a little earlier. And it included anal sex.

    I completely understand your concerns. However, please do realize that unless you are going to lock him up, never let him go anywhere with friends, refuse to let him have any sleepovers, and watch his every move, then there really is no way to guarantee that he won't experiment with his sexuality.

    Communication with him is the key. He needs to understand the risks involved in engaging in sex, and he needs to know about safety.

    I've been following your threads and have agreed with the idea of letting your son come out to you when he's ready, but in light on the potential experimentation, maybe it would be better if you are able to talk about this with him, and therefore reveal what you know.
     
  12. I'm gay

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    Einsteinmom,

    I'm quoting myself because Quantum thought that perhaps I could comment more about this statement of mine in my last post.

    I'm rather torn by this thread. I see it from two perspectives, and each has valid points to consider. As I said before, at the same age of your son, and for me actually beginning earlier, I experimented with neighborhood friends. I engaged in mutual masturbation, touching, fondling, kissing, oral sex and anal sex. All by the time I was 12.

    I'm also a father, and I have a 12-year-old boy who I already know watches and masturbates to porn. He has access to millions of free porn videos on the internet - my God if I had had that when I was his age!

    The thought of my son engaging in anal sex at his age just frightens me, so I completely understand your worries about your son's potential experimenting.

    I know from your other post here that your son has talked to his friends about experimenting anally with objects, and you expressed concerns that he was engaging in this level of sex talk at his age. Some commenters suggested that you get him a dildo or other anal toy. I know this frank talk could be scary and alarming, but I have to be completely honest with you here.

    I did all of those things. I experienced anal sex with another boy, and I also experimented anally with myself. I didn't have a dildo, of course, so I experimented with household objects that I found. I tried a screwdriver handle, a rather thin shampoo bottle, and various other items. I definitely understand your son's desires here.

    As shocking as all of this is, I really think your son could benefit from a mom who was awesome enough to not freak out, and seek advice from others who have been there, and be just a little cooler and realize that even though he is young, he knows what he desires and wants to try them out. That might mean helping him and protecting him from harming himself with dangerous objects. Do you think you could get him a sex toy? I know that just sounds mortifying, and to also talk to him about it, but a little embarrassment can be handled just fine if you are compassionate, loving, and accepting in talking to him about it. I think there is a way that you could talk to him about his desires, help him pick out a toy, and talk about sex and safety if you can do it from a matter-of-fact perspective with no judgment. You are right when you said that he will find a way to do it no matter what you tell him. That is so true.

    You seem like a cool mom. Sometimes I wish my mom had been savvy enough to figure out that she had a gay son. Of course I didn't have Skype, and texting, and email, so it would have been harder for her to find out.

    Whatever you decide to do about this, I do wish you well.
     
  13. Einsteinmom

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    Thank Imgay47. I appreciate the different perspectives. I am in an odd place myself.

    The level headed, modern woman is telling me to keep cool, that together we can deal with this. That part of me wants to give him a hug, tell him what I know, provide him with a safe way to take out his urges, give him condoms and a full sex talk.

    The other part of me is the frantic mom who wants to lock him in his room and protect him from all that is scary in the world. I don't ever want to see him hurt, upset, or teased, and to enter adulthood happy and well adjusted.

    I need to find a happy medium and accomplish all of these things. But this all being recent, I am still adjusting as well. So for the moment, all I can do is tell him that I love him no matter what and that he can come to me with ANYTHING. And I tell him that time and time again. So, when he is ready, I will be here. And by then, the level headed part of me I'm sure will be the one to kick in.:icon_wink
     
  14. Totesgaybrah

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    You are a great mother, I can see you only want what is best for you're son. I think everything will work itself out in the end. I'm sure you will have an awkward conversation or three, but with some time everything will be fine.

    I wish you and you're son the best.
     
  15. Einsteinmom

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    Thank you so much! This parenting thing is much harder than I ever expected.
     
  16. Weston

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    I had to :lol: a bit at this. At that age, I would have had trouble going with my mom to pick out a sweater, let alone a dildo!
     
  17. Bouldghirl

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    Ok although I haven't been a parent I have been a child. I was experimenting with sex at 13 (with other sexes). I didn't go "all the way" but I started to learn what I liked and who I was. I rather suspect that these days things have progressed. I really think that you have to talk with your child. Firstly listen. You will quickly realise the depth of knowledge. After that you can decide exactly how you want things to go. Be wise, listen and don't be judgemental. If you can do that then you stand a good chance of maintaining a good relationship. Your son will probably appreciate that more than anything.
     
    #17 Bouldghirl, Oct 28, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2016
  18. faustian1

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    Weston, you and I are from a similar era, and I see you haven't forgotten what it was like. :slight_smile:
     
  19. wonderingabout

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    Wow can I ever relate to this right now.