Adult son gay? Risky Behavior

Hey ilovemykids, welcome to EC!

After reading your post, all I could say was: oy vey!

First off, most of us here are in total agreement with you: this is NOT a "phase" (whatever that means). This is something very real and very persistent. Your husband may call it boredom, but why choose this particular thing to get rid of it?

This is not to say your son may not be bisexual, which exists, is absolutely real and may or may not be a transition into being fully gay.

If you have the (quite commendable!) attitude that his being less-than-straight is ok and you are willing to accept and support him, then why hesitate to confront him when you would have done so if it were a girl?

Imagine a world where a guy dating a guy or a girl is absolutely normal, if your son is behaving badly, would you hesitate then? He is an adult now, which complicates matters, so you need to treat him like an adult son, with all due respect to his right to choose how to live his life, but with the responsibility you have as someone who loves him more than anyone else on this planet (apart from his father).

Start a heart-to-heart conversation with him, banish all distractions and look him in the eyes (this is very important). State simply that you saw something on the e-mail that you have access to, and leave it at that for a moment. By seeing each other, face-to-face, he will see your concern, and you will be able to gauge his discomfort and possible embarrassment. Don't let that deter you, simply look him in the eyes and remind him that you are available to talk and that you have some serious concerns.

It may not work at first, but you may find that he may open up to you later. Even if it doesn't work right away, keep trying, and try, as much as possible, to meet him half-way if he isn't willing to open up about everything.

 

Hello ilovemykids!

Thank you for being such an open and thoughtful parent!

Normally, I am totally against confronting someone about their sexuality, as a general rule. However, in this instance, I agree with greatwhale – and especially the approach that he advocates – about talking to your son about this directly.

I advocate it in this instance because:
- You weren’t snooping (you have legitimate access to his accounts and his email just came up still logged on in this instance)
- You have a legitimate parental concern about his health and welfare; regardless of the fact that he’s an adult, he’s still your son
- You said you would have confronted him about this behavior if these emails were to and from women, so why should the same-sex aspect hold you back?

I would think that if you started a conversation with your son about this issue while coming from the standpoint of your concerns about his safety, the possibility of getting STIs through risky behavior, and the very real possibility of physical harm if he hooked up with the ‘wrong’ or shady-type of character on the internet, I think that would hopefully keep the conversation ‘real’ and not confrontational.

I also think Chip's point about stepping back for a bit first and not approaching this with any judgmental attitude is spot-on.

On a side-note, I also completely agree with greatwhale that this isn’t simply a ‘phase’ for your son.

He may not identify as gay or even bi (labels are artificial anyway), but there are men who live happily in heterosexual relationships, but occasionally desire sexual contact with other men, while never having romantic feelings or the possibility of an actual relationship with other men. And your husband's description of such behavior in himself (and your son) seems rather simplistic and more like an excuse to avoid really exploring his feelings and sexuality, but it may actually be how he reconciles it in his own mind.

I hope all of this turns out positively for both you and your son!

Just my 2cents.

 

When it comes to confronting your son there is already plenty of advice above me so I'm not going to address that. The part of the message that stood out to me was

Why are you willing to process that your son may be gay/bi, but not willing to process that your husband my be bi? If your husband is bi it wouldn't mean that he loves you any more/less than a straight guy loves his wife.

Soliciting sex is not a deviant thing it is a human thing, the only reason people have problems with it is because for some reason the western society has made it taboo to even say the word sex. I understand that meeting people that you meet online is dangerous but other than that most people on the planet like sex, and having sex (even with multiple partners) does not make you a deviant.

 

Hi Mom, I know you love your son. It is kind of below-par for him to be scheduling hookups with guys (or anyone) if he keeps it from his girlfriend....

That aside, this is kind of what I remember from college. I'm a geezer, but the memories don't fade. Just about "anything that moves" is a way to describe the sexual interests of a lot of college students.

I don't know why you don't ask him. He knows you have the password. Here's how I'd put it: "(son), go easy on your old mom. It's probably not good for me to read your quest for a blow job from some jock..." Or something similar. Perhaps the issue is that you've not really had any talks about sex, to this point. Hard to start, when he's in college. But it's an almost irresistible opportunity to start, right there.

I wouldn't be all that judgmental about it. I read a story in a reputable newspaper (which doesn't count for much these days) that suggested today's millennial students in colleges look at serial hookups as being dating. It claimed that they don't as often want commitment. I don't know whether to believe this, but census.gov is full of statistics showing the marriage and fertility rates have both fallen, the latter to 1930's levels.

If I had my way, I'd suggest you criticize him less for hooking up with guys, than for having that girlfriend in the first place. This forum is full of tales of woe from men who married women, but then couldn't suppress their desire for men. And what he's doing is probably safe, just as long as he follows some proper advice from the CDC. If you really want to shock him, why not try encouraging him to be gay, instead of having that girlfriend? You don't necessarily have to be serious, but it sure would get the conversation started.

 

A lot of good comments above. Re-reading your initial post though, I'll go one step further. In addition to that couples counselling, do you have access to an individual therapist of some sort? To process all this in a productive fashion? It could be very sad and destructive to your relationship with your son if that love and concern for him translated itself instead into some shame storm prompted by sympathy for the innocent girlfriend resulting from a possible view of similarities of your own marital challenges and situation.

Always reminds me of that airline safety training drill: In the event of an incident, put your own oxygen mask on first, before assisting other passengers.

 

Hi ilovemykids,

As a (female, straight) parent of a 14 year old son who has just recently come out, I thought I'd offer my observations.

I do think that at 19, your son is living his life as he sees fit and that you may have your views on it but he's old enough now to behave as he wishes. It may sadden you that he is cheating on his girlfriend and in your situation I probably would tell my son, that this is not right, but he probably knows that already! Cheating is cheating, whatever your sexual persuasion, in my book. However, as someone else has written, this is not uncommon behaviour - though that doesn't make it right.

What jumped out from your post, however, was that there is a good chance, since your son has given you his log-in details, that he wanted you to find those emails. Perhaps that's his way of coming out to you? I don't think at 19 he is going to mind you saying: look, you know I log-in to your account since you have given me your password, and I now know you're gay or bi; I'm happy about it and I'm here for you.

I completely understand your worry about safety and STDs etc. This is only natural as a parent and there's no harm in directing him to a safe sex website. You can't always assume that young people know this information since sex education - at least in the UK - only ever teaches about straight sex.

As for your husband and his 'phase' idea. I don't buy it for either of them. First, put yourself in your husband's situation. Is this something you think you would do? Hook up with women out of boredom? It doesn't make sense. And I don't think at 19 this is 'a phase' for your son. That implies that it is an 'aberration' from the norm. It really doesn't matter who your son sleeps with -though, again, to cheat on his girlfriend, imo, isn't right.

The issue about your husband is that he has cheated on you and that is something which is very painful to bear whether he did so with a man or a woman: it's the deception which hurts, I'm sure.

Best of luck to you. x

 

If he's running around with guys, it almost certainly is not a phase. Whether he's bi, or just with the girlfriend for appearances sake (I've been there so I get it) remains to be seen. I could probably phrase this better, but you seldom try dick out of curiousity and decide you don't like it. If he's seeking out guys, he probably has more than just a fleeting attraction. He probably doesn't quite know how to cope socially with bring gay & having friends and family perceive you differently. It can be difficult to deal with even for those of us in incredibly gay-friendly areas and with accepting friends and families.

Like you, there are 2 parts of this that really bother me. The first is him running around on his girlfriend. HUGE no-no. Not only is it ethically wrong, but he can pass on STDs to her, especially if he isn't practicing straight sex with these guys he's meeting up with.

The second part is the whole closet aspect. Everyone needs time to work through coming to terms with their sexuality in their own way. Like your son, I struggled with it into my early twenties, and kept up a girlfriend that I liked very much, but I wasn't "into" her. If your son is gay, that's probably the case with him as well. After my lady girlfriend and I split, I fooled around while still way in the closet. A lot of people need time to experiment,but also it's a way to interact with other gay people without having to walk into a gay bar and having 100 other people immediately know you're gay.

As far as what you should do, it's really hard to say. My mom tried to confront me about the gay thing before I was ready to talk, and I just shut down and denied everything. He may do the same. At the same time, his girlfriend deserves to know something is up. You're between a rock and a hard place. What I would absolutely do is mention positive things about gay people. If a story is in the news, mention you would be fine with having a gay son. Maybe offer to take your kids to pride. Do any of your kids have gay friends who are out? That will make it easier for him to come out.

 

I didn't read everything everyone else said, so apologies, but

i definitey think he might believ you wont accept him. He might be having trouble acceptin himself


internet dating sites are kind of tricky for gays - the community is lopsided. its much easier to find people lookng for the kind of cheap stuff you found in the emails than meaningful relationships. so for anyone in the closet - a lot of times they end up in those circles, whether they would under normal circumstances or not. That does not mean its healthy

I think you need to find a loving way to approach your son to help him

He needs to know its OK to be gay

and at least be safe coming out with you

he may be bi or gay, i dunno. this is definitely the time for him to be exploring it though

i dont know how you want to tell him - just make sure you let him know its TOTALLY OK and that you love and accept him completely, and want to support and encourage him anyway he needs. I would also let him know if he isn't ready to be out, that you wil keep his secret until he is. Maybe buy him some books or gifts or a rainbow flag, anything tangible that he can see and hold onto to know that you accept and support his homosexuality.

I would also open the door to invite further interactions, whether just talking or support stuff, like going to PFLAG or pride events or something, to continue the connection on the issue of support

you have to realize he must have known for years, and has been hiding it from you. This needs to heal for him - not just hiding from you, but that he has been hiding. He needs a lot of love and support for this. Take care!!

 

ilovemykids,

First, you are the awesome mom I wish I had come out to! I love my mom so much, but my coming out (in 1995) was so, so, difficult by comparison. You're already so much more aware, so much more compassionate, and so much more unconditionally loving than my family was at the time. First, thank you for choosing love despite a few challenges.

As you look back over your son's growing up, did he encounter homophobic comments or stigma from the family? You mentioned regretting things said in ignorance years ago. Although you recognize these comments as ignorant now, they likely gave your son a message that he would not be accepted. Today, your son is likely shaped by those comments, as unintentional as they were, and he could likely be hiding this part of himself as a result.

I think you might want to open up to your son. As QuantumReality pointed out, you had an agreement with your son that the credentials for the email were shared, and therefore you were not snooping. In my opinion it's worth it since your son may be at a crossroads of determining how he wants to be as a potentially non-straight man.

I would bring it up gently and without judgment. Perhaps you could apologize for the homophobic or intolerant comments you made in the past, and ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about. I'm not sure exactly how I would do this, but I do think you can open the dialogue by acknowledging that in the past there were insensitive comments. This would hopefully create a more comfortable environment for him to open up.

As for your son's behavior, he may be acting out of a low sense of self. If he is ashamed of having sex with men, he would not presume that introducing you to a stable boyfriend would be "okay". He also would likely assume that you would only want to be introduced to his girlfriend, so until now his assumption may have been that men were "off the menu" for a true relationship. This may change once you talk.

Generally, one of my learning experiences coming out (I'm 43, been out now for over 20 years) is to understand that sexuality often falls on a spectrum of complete homosexuality to complete heterosexuality. Your son (and your husband) might be bisexual. They may even have an attraction romantically and emotionally, and another sexually or physically. To me this can be challenging because it's considered taboo by mainstream society, and because we are often more comfortable with absolutes than messy shades of gray.

In summary, if I were in your position, I would:

- Open up to your son to address former remarks of a homophobic or insensitive nature. Apologize, disclaim, or otherwise deal with these former remarks as appropriate.
- Remind him that you have agreed to share an email account, and let him know that you accidentally found some sensitive emails.
- Welcome a discussion, and consider asking him who he is and who he wants to be.

In closing, I think that you're absolutely right in that respect is the cornerstone of any good relationship. Hopefully you can help your son come out of shame and start having relationships of integrity.

Much love,

Patrick
Seattle, WA