How do I help?

Using a sexual toy, such as a dildo, for anal stimulation is not uniquely homosexual. Many heterosexual males enjoy the stimulation as long as they don't have any hangups with the perceived "gay" notion. It's simply not true that it's a "gay" thing.

That said, however, it is possible that your family member is struggling with sexuality/identity issues, and that can lead to substance abuse problems. However, there are so many things that can cause someone to use intoxication as a coping mechanism for the troubles in their lives. If the ONLY evidence is a dildo, that's not enough evidence to assume he's gay.

Is there anything else to indicate?

I'm not sure what you think you might want to do here. Confront him about his sexuality? If what you suspect is true, telling him what you suspect along with your theory of his self-medicating behavior, and that sounds like a recipe for further denial. Would you also tell him about finding his dildo? I don't see how that can go well.

I would suggest that you do everything you can to be a support for him, tell him that you love him, and will always love him no matter what. But don't tell him what you suspect. that's my opinion.

 

That sounds pretty reasonable, just treating it matter of fact like you moved his reading glasses or something.

 

Substance abusers are very hard to console or communicate with. They become experts at deception and manipulation. It is very easy to get sucked into a drama that feeds their dysfunction, and makes your own worse. Some call this "crazymaking." Most of the time, presuming what bothers someone is an exercise in "projection," which is a Freudian concept but one that can be found nearly everywhere. We're all susceptible to it.

Most substance abusers are indeed "bothered" by things, sometimes those things are the actual cause of their drive to consume substances. It may not be what you think. It's a good theory, and supporting your theory is that there are many more gay alcoholics, per 1,000 gay people, than there are straight alcoholics, per 1,000 straight people.

The best thing you can offer this person, is a ride to or encouragement to attend treatment, meetings, or some form of professional assistance.

 

Hi - wow. I guess the more I read, the more my husband's behavior begins to make sense. He has struggled with anger and addiction for as long as I have known him and before (married 20 years now). Three years ago, he quit the substance abuse - drugs and alcohol - and is now just angry or sad most of the time.

When I read about you finding a toy, it really struck home for me. I also found an anatomically correct toy in my husband's vehicle this past summer, shortly after I found out he'd had a relationship with a man last year. He tells me over and over that it's nothing - lots of people like toy stimulation, the relationship was just boredom (he works on the road part of the year), etc and so-on. True, yes. Yet I know they sell those in many shapes and questioned why HIS had to be so -- lifelike? (They do sell a more "gender-nuetral version.) It just seemed to me that a straight guy enjoying said stimulation might choose a less "correct" version. I got no answer to that question.

Also, he recently purchased a "toy' for me to wear/use on him, again very anatomically correct. I'm not real into it, so it has gone rather unused. I think (too much information warning) I possibly could be, if I didn't feel like I was a substitute for a man -- make sense? And, there have been other bedroom moments with toys that have lead me to believe, no matter his denial, that he has a thing for male anatomy. I mean, as a straight woman for goodness sake, I have a thing for male anatomy, so it's easy to recognize!

After reading your post, I lean toward the reason for his male attraction increasing because he is no longer drinking/using and therefore no longer has another outlet for his desires and frustrations. I never thought of it that way before.

It seems like I'm in a tough spot - a bi husband who is never willing to admit it - even the seemingly obvious. I joined this list just days ago because of my adult son's behavior, similar to my husband's, and my attempt to find a communication path with my son.

If my husband is bi, the first step to us working through it seems to be the need for his honesty, both with me and himself. I am not saying I will ever be OK with it, but we aren't getting anywhere like this.

 

This is funny and sad at the same time. Funny, because I could have been your husband. Sad, because I recognize your frustration and pain, too. And yeah, we want it anatomically correct, because those "generic ones" are both smaller and don't look like what we really want...another dick....

Are you saying that you actually could accept your husband is bi, and has a thing for men, if he was honest and admitted it and discussed it with you honestly?

What I can tell you is that these things where men hook up with other men quite often are devoid of any emotional connection--it's this drive for sex, often somewhat anonymous. The emotional connection, a lot of these men hope to get from their opposite-sex partners. Unfortunately, it's impossible not to feel betrayed by the secrecy, isn't it?

So do you think he resists admitting this, because he's in denial, or do you think he's just afraid you might want to leave, or perhaps a bit of both?

 

Wow.... I've been involved with a man who is definitely straight but he surely enjoyed a good toy now and again. We were very open, communicated very well, and we even talked about maybe he is bisexual and I told him to go explore that if he so desired. He wanted a toy, yes... but for a woman to use it on him so depending on how tight you are with this person, maybe you could bring the subject up and be as open and honest and as non-judgmental as you can. Maybe that will help get to the bottom of it.

ADMITTEDLY I can be completely wrong here. I've been told some of my ideas are wrong before.... but if you can get anything at all out of my own experience with this, maybe it can help.

 

Subtance abuser are difficult - but they are usually in over their head. If you can reach out and help - it would be great. I would do everything you can to let him know in any way that you are totally accepting of gays and that if he was gay you would totally approve and love and accept him. ALSO let him know if he is gay and not ready to be out, or bi, whatever, that you are 100% willing to support that and keep his secret.

If he's not gay - you wont hurt him. Just tell him you love him and are worried about him and anything that is goin on with him you want to help, and that it happens, sometimes epeople are gay and worries people wont approve and you want him to know you 100% approve and are there for him for stuff like that

 

I would also lean toward the theory that this man is bisexual or gay, but there's no conclusive evidence. I also think that simply mentioning that you put the toy away for him would be a good thing to do. A non-event but a potential opening for conversation.

Unfortunately substance abuse among LGBT folk is higher than among straight folk, but substance abuse alone isn't a conclusive sign. Substance abuse + toy is more indicative, but still there are many straight men who enjoy anal stimulation.

My advice would be to observe him, let him know you love him, and let him know that you're available and supportive no matter what. His behavior (to me) indicates that he has some kind of inner struggle going on, and that he's out of integrity with himself. Whether he's gay or not, your support would make a huge difference.

That being said, I would also know where your boundaries are. Do not get entangled in his "crazy making" if that's how things are. Do as much as you can, up to your personal boundary.

*warm hugs*

Patrick
Seattle, WA