1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Newbie with a 14yo gay son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by MrsMoore, Oct 9, 2016.

  1. MrsMoore

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2016
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hello, thank you for having me here.

    Our son (an only child) came out to us (during an anxiety attack) when he was about 9 years old. We supported and reassured him the best we could and respected his feelings. As there was no actual love interest at the time, things were smooth and calm once he came out to us and his panic attack subsided.

    Recently, just before turning 14, he reaffirmed his sexual orientation (it was a much happier, calmer situation with no anxiety -- hurray!). We are generally very direct and honest with each other as far as I can tell and we continued to tell him that we love him and that he is always our top priority.

    I am here because he has started mentioning that he would like to date but isn't yet sure if he should. So I figure I better start giving myself some tools to be a more tuned-in mom. I would like to be better educated on how to give him that support. I do worry about his saying he wants to start dating. It's not because he is gay but perhaps like any parent with any child, I am trying to get used to the fact that my child is starting to talk about the actual act of dating. :slight_smile: My own first relationship only occurred at age 19 (and I eventually married the guy) so 14 also feels very young to me to be honest.

    At the moment, he hasn't said when and how he wants to meet people. He is very diligent and focused on doing well in academics. He is home-educated but due to his intense interest in his studies, he takes many of his classes at a college as a part time student. He isn't good friends with anyone at the college though, just meets and socializes as he would with classmates but more formally since they are all older. He isn't a social butterfly but has a small circle of home-educated friends closer to his age. He has come out to two of them and they are good kids who support him. I don't believe our extended family (haven't told them) will be as supportive as our friends have been but we'll cross that bridge one step at a time.

    As far as I know, he does not visit online dating sites and does not know anyone else around his age who is gay.

    I'm just here mostly to introduce myself and learn from you all about supporting younger teens who say they want to start dating. Thanks!
     
  2. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    MrsMoore,

    First, I’d like to welcome you to EC and to thank you for being such a caring and loving mother to your son! We are always extremely happy to support family members of LGBTQ people here on EC.

    I would say that 14 is certainly not too young for your son to start dating. However, it should definitely be with boy very close to his own age. In the teen years, even a couple-year difference in age can mean a big difference in physical and mental development as well as a large difference in social circles, which can create significant problems in a relationship. (And, of course, using dating websites or having a college-age boyfriend would be illegal at his age,)

    Are there after-school activities in your area which might interest him and that you could sign him up for – a potential way for him to meet peers and make friends? Is there a youth-oriented LGBT center anywhere nearby where he could go to meet other LGBT teens around his age?

    Since you can’t really control his sexual experimentation – nor should you try – you may want to have a talk with him about STIs and safe sex. Even if he, personally, is a long way off from experimenting sexually with anyone other than himself, it’s never too early for him to have this information, IMO. There are resources here on EC that can help inform you on that:

    Health

    STDs

    I hope some of this helps.

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Oct 10, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2016
  3. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi MrsMoore,

    Quantumreality gave you some excellent advice. I would only add that the best thing for your son would be to increase his circle of friendships, especially LGBT friends, but even more importantly around group shared activity. A large circle of friends not only boosts confidence and self-esteem, but also will surround him with more prospects of other boys to potentially date.

    One area that we fail in our gay children is the lack of socialization rituals that are geared toward them. Things like school dances and valentines. Gay kids need those too, but our culture has been too long dominated by a straight-only approach. It certainly was when you and I were kids.
     
  4. Minny

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2016
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi MrsMoore,

    I'm in a very similar situation in that our 14 year old son recently came out and we home-educate him and he is very motivated in his studies and has one or two friends etc etc. And we are very close to him. So many similarities. In fact, if your son would like to befriend my son that would be great. I don't think it's right that I give his username here but your son, if he comes on to EC, will find him in the Welcome Lounge - and we're in Edinburgh UK.

    I completely get everything you say and your worries. You've already done the important thing which is to say you're happy for him and love him and completely accept him.

    Here's what I did next. I got some good advice about various issues on here. Then I encouraged my son to go to a local LGBT group which he refused as he's not a group kind of person. Groups are not for everyone and that's okay.

    I then talked him through as much sex education aimed at gay teenagers as I could find and he has now a thorough knowledge of safe sex and also safe online activity. If your son is super bright as mine is, he can handle the sex information at 14, I feel, and I believe it is best to have the information even if he won't be actually using it yet.

    So far as 'dating' - I get what you're saying about your son 'growing up' and that is something we had to get used to also. So long as your son knows it is illegal to have sex until he is 16 (that's the legal age in the UK, not sure what it is in the US) then of course he will want to 'date' or form a romantic connection at his age.

    I would encourage him to join EC.

    My son has met two other gay boys his age online (elsewhere) and skypes them each day. My husband has said a brief 'hi' to them, to check that they are who they say they are ie. that they are 14 year old boys not adults pretending to be 14 year old boys! I think it's important that one does check out who your son is talking to online because there are adults who do this. Do this in front of him and be completely open about why you are doing this.

    I have made it very clear to my son that once we have checked that the person is who they say they are, he has complete privacy. And that also goes with any messages/emails/forum posts. Trust is important here. So far, our son has been incredibly open with us and we're grateful for that.

    Do keep in touch - it's lovely to hear from someone in very similar situation as us.

    And do encourage your son to say Hi in the Welcome Lounge.
     
  5. Calf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    UK, Leeds
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For your son, being 14 years old and gay, wanting to date is probably a lot more important than he's wanting to show. I know from experience that there is a lot more to it than just "doing what teens do". Your son is lucky to have brilliantly accepting and supportive parents. He also has friends that are there for him and that is great but honestly it isn't enough.

    Being in his position can be unbearably lonely. It's a point in life where what he really needs is someone "like him", who knows exactly how he feels and allows him to just feel normal. Maybe he doesn't come across that way but the other thing to be conscious of is the fact that all LGBT people have to develop the skill of projecting an image of normality for others. On top of the usual teenage embarrassment he is aware that others around him can't fully understand his feelings and in some cases he will be afraid to express them at risk of offending others by being different.

    I know that may look like an image of doom and gloom but I just wanted to try and show from my own experience, what is usually not seen or understood by straight people/parents.

    It's difficult because there is little you can do to help him here other than encourage him to expand his social activities in a way that allows him to meet other young gay people -not exclusively for dating. I can see how all this could be a scary thought for any parent but just remember to talk often and stay as close and supportive as you are.

    I also want to second what Quantumreality said about the safe sex talk. It is awkward but essential. Whether you do your research first or read through it online together. Most people I know that never had an STI just say they were "lucky". When your son has such a good chance in life thanks to you, don't let him be lucky, encourage him to be safe and educated.

    Finally, it's great that you came to EC for support, I wish there were millions of other parents just like you here on the forum because honestly your son is fortunate in a way that so many young gay men aren't, having your support and you should be proud of yourself.
    Maybe he already knows about EC but if not maybe you should direct him here as it is a much safer way to engage online and explore his feelings than most other sites, apps etc.

    ---------- Post added 10th Oct 2016 at 12:23 PM ----------

    Just to add, Minny posted at the same time as me and her points are brilliant. Another great parent and person. I wish I had had parents that thought like you guys.
     
  6. MrsMoore

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2016
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you all so very much for your kind and honest replies. I realize I have a lot of learning to do and will do my best to ensure he is not lonely. I have a lot of homework to catch up on! Wish I had started when he was 9!

    Minny, your posts gave me the courage to post myself. So thank you for that.

    I told my son that I joined EC and he says he recently joined too! I am glad he was honest with me. Makes me feel like I can do this (be the most supportive mom I can be).

    This is an amazing community. Thank you again for being here for me.
     
  7. Minny

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2016
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Female
    So glad to hear that MrsMoore. Hope our boys find each other!

    Do keep in touch.

    x
     
  8. Patrick7269

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2016
    Messages:
    514
    Likes Received:
    121
    Location:
    Seattle, WA, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    MrsMoore,

    Way to go on your acceptance and support for your son! I think you've already made a huge difference in his future with your support.

    I agree that your son likely isn't letting on how important dating is to him, and how important it is for him to find other boys like him. I would suggest helping him find a circle of friends like himself, because you can still have control over this process. Trusting him to do this himself or assuming that he already knows how to find other gay boys could lead to trouble without your knowledge and protection.

    I was about 13 (today I'm 43) when my health class covered sex. It was the mid-80s and the AIDS epidemic was at its worst. Fortunately for me, they went to great lengths to communicate how HIV and other STDs are spread and the importance of protection. Today I credit those forward-thinking and progressive school administrators for including this information so that I could remain HIV-negative.

    You may want to find out what sex education is being given to your son at school and see if enough information is given for students who are LGBT. I don't know whether orientation is discussed in great detail, or whether non-straight students are educated on their specific sexual health needs. This early education will of course set the tone for the rest of his life.

    Another key for LGBT well-being is self-esteem. I think you've already got this covered because you're affirming and supporting his identity now. Hopefully he'll grow up loving himself and taking care of his sexual health as a natural extension of self-care. Doing this is more challenging for people who were stigmatized or not properly supported.

    *warm hugs and best wishes*

    Patrick
    Seattle, WA
     
  9. Alexxx12

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2016
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, I think the best thing to do would be to look for local LGBT youth centers like I did for myself, so he can at least make some LGBT friends, and possibly go on dates. As for his age, I say as long as he's mature enough to handle himself and knows the boundaries y'all set for relationships it should be fine.
     
  10. falconfalcon

    falconfalcon Guest

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2016
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    nothing
    Hey

    So glad you are supporting you kid, and best wishes on the homework catchup!!!

    My two concerns would be as, people are talking about, safe sex eductaion. For me thought, i think the most important part is coaching him on not letting people pressure him into doing things he doesn't want to do, or going to far, let alone engaging in unsafe sex.

    I think its very important in confidence building to help him feel strong enough and secure enough to draw healthy and safe boundaries and relationships. Teenagers go through a lot - anyone he hangs out with, who knows where they are at, what pressures they are dealing with, or if they are starting to act out or be difficult.

    Both my best friends senior year of high school had girlfriends / boyfriends (two straight kids, each coupling)

    Both of them dated people who pressured them badly to go further sexualy than they were ready. And both situations got ugly - the girl with almost a date rape situation one night alone with him, the boy with an ugly breakup and the girl talking shit a bout him to the whole school about what a "loser" he was because he wouldn't do anything sexual...

    not good.

    anyways - the point being, this is an age where a lot of negative stuff happens between teenagers around sex.

    It doesn't HAVE to happen, but it is soooo common, and is through the young adult years, it is SO vital to be fully armed and prepared for it - ready and totally confident saying "NO"

    and ready for all the pressure and emotioanl and social blackmail that kids use

    including - i'm dumping y ou if you wont satisify me.

    Which can be hard on anyone who is lonely...

    So its important you son hangs out with good people, safe people, but is also ready just incase anyone he meets turns out to want to not really behave himself in private honorably :frowning2:

    You son shouldn't put up with a second of it - and needs to be warned, and encouraged and supported not to. There are plenty of good gay men and boys out there - he doesn't need a messed up one making his life messy!!!!



    my second worry, is once he is starting to date, he will be more "out", and need support and getting ready in case he ever starts to encounter backlash

    This can really be hard on an LGBT - they need lots of support getting through such situations, even just having to think about them. I 'm glad h e came out to you young - and you can help him prepare for coming out to society :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:


    beyond that -i would definitely find positive spaces in your community for him to meet youth.


    I would get my son involved in a local gym - often they have pick up games, like basketball, and also have things like classes - swim classes, martial arts classes, yoga, etc.


    Martial arts by the way would be wonderful, if he is up for it. I am a kung fu fan, personally, but alot of them are good :wink:

    Yoga and Qi Gung are also wonderful

    often communities also have art classes for kids - painting, etc

    and its a dirty secret that a lot of gays flock to theatre - so if there are theatre classes or programs, or a children theatre .... its particularly a ditry secret because its also a fast way to meet kids with emotional problems or messed up kids. I know . I'm was a messed up theatre kid :wink:

    also if there are any LGBT centers, events , or anything nearby that would be good. You could always start a family LGBT night at a community center!!

    Which reminds me of PFLAG :slight_smile: that's always good to check out

    And i Would just keep supporting him and inspiring confidence. As he gets older it will be easier to meet people - so tell him not to worry too much about it right now, and just easy does it :wink:



    Take care!!!!!!!!!!!!! :slight_smile:


    p.s. also, i forget, while teaching safe sex , and peer pressure, PLEASE take some time to eventually prepare him with drug education. I watched m y roommate struggle with his best friend struggling with a meth addiction year after year - and sometimes accidently almost catching aids when intoxicated. He may have contracted it, i don't personally know . An important part of being prepared to be safe with peer pressure, is being well educated, prepared, and support to stay completely drug free. I'm sorry to have to say its important, but it is.... Take care!!!!!! :slight_smile:
     
    #10 falconfalcon, Oct 21, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2016
  11. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC, Mrsmoore!

    I can only echo the sentiments, expressed here above, with respect to your wonderful acceptance and support of your son.

    I have three kids and my youngest son is 14, dating is definitely on his mind!

    It is terrific that you are reaching out for support here at EC. The above posters have given you a nice introduction to the joys (and to be honest, a few hazards) of being gay in this world. We parents stay in protection mode longer than perhaps we should, yet, he will be feeling right about at this age the need to reach out and explore on his own...letting go is so hard to do, but, if you set clear and reasonable boundaries (with the help you are getting here) and reasonable policies with respect to behavior, he should be able to respect your wishes without too much complaint.

    It really should be no different if he were to date girls, the same boundaries would apply, and you simply need to expect that they will be respected.

    I guarantee that it will feel a little awkward when he will be introducing you both to the guy he is dating. Nevertheless, as you would for a girl, make him feel welcome and learn as much as you can about who he is. If he is out of the closet, maybe try to get to know his parents as well. I can equally guarantee that the awkwardness will quickly fade away.

    Your son seems to be a very level-headed young man, given this, you can probably rest assured that he will choose to date someone much like himself. Of course there will be some challenges, but if he does find someone awesome, the best you can do is celebrate with him and rejoice in the love he has found!
     
    #11 greatwhale, Oct 21, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2016
  12. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello Msmoore

    I read your post in total disbelief. A mom who is open and accepting of her gay son. So totally cool and right. Credit to you for, you have created a relationship with another human being, where said human being can trust you. Wow, tears.

    Quite some time ago I read an online article about parents who had a gay son. Sorry cant find the article at this time. (Will continue to look. I think it was a NYT article.) After their son came out to them, they set about the task of finding safe, wholesome social avenues for him. Dances, social causes, outlets. A good way to think of this is to observe what non gay teens do socially in junior & high school. They go to dances, sport events, art fairs, the drive in, on and on.

    You can try PFLAG or the Unitarian Universalist Church, the latter has a great sexuality program for kids / young adults. It's called OWL - our whole lives. The young adults at the UU Church I go to tell us, "other kids" come to them with sexuality questions. Basically the UU kids who have gone through OWL, have the answers. For one, OWL teaches safe sex. (now you can see why "other kids" come to the UU kids with questions.....no one has taught the non UU kids how to have safe sex.)

    I close with a few lessons learned.
    a) He is going to explore and discover. There are going to be many iterations. Some "things" may get a little wild. But he will come back to center, I assure you.
    b) He is a sexual being. Accept this and plan accordingly. (I tried to have my first sexual experience at `12, 13)
    c) Your son is at the door to starting the process of living a separate life from you - this is called independence. Please be comfortable with this. (some parents, specially moms, are overly protective.)

    Thats it. A request. Can you be my mom? Lol. Other ECs members tell me part of me is 14-16, thats the age when all sorts of bad, wrong things happened to me, mainly because I am gay. So part of me is stuck at 14-16 and I have no mom. (my biological mom is deceased.....and she would't accept my sexuality) It would be so cool to have a mom as understanding as you.

    Link to OWL.
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/224194-again-crush-straight-guy.html#post3181848
     
    #12 brainwashed, Oct 24, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2016