having a transgender brother

The things you said are so my mother. Jeez people can be stupid.

1. You don't. At all. He tells who he wants to tell. Maybe he wishes to be stealth in the future, that would pressure him into leaving only to lead a life as if he'd always been a man. Don't take away his home by denying possibility of stealth.
2. I wish I had. Get him to a therapist and let the therapist do the work. If you find out how to do it, please tell me.
3. It's little things really that can make a trans dude pre-everything cheer up a lot. Maybe he works out and you see results? Tell him. You use his pronouns and his real name and I'm sure he appreciates that a lot.

 

Dearest Karamell,

You are just the sweetest thing! I could actually feel the love and concern you have for your brother coming through in your words. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.

I guess my son had been transitioning for a long time before he came out. Well, it was more like... I dragged it out of him! lol The hair was getting shorter and shorter, he was getting piercings, wearing ties... things like that. He was living with a man at the time and they were engaged! I was confused so I just asked "do you still like boys". He said "of course, I'm going to marry Tim". So then I asked "do you want to be a boy". He said yes and told me he is transgender. That's where the conversation ended for a very long time because quite frankly, I didn't think it was any of my business so I didn't ask questions. I thought it was highly personal and if he wanted to tell me more he would. This was a mistake. He couldn't find a way to communicate to me that he needed help and I completely dropped the ball. Things are much better now... in fact, He's 2 weeks post-op from his top surgery.

As a mother, I can attest that the range of emotions felt like someone was in my brain kicking around a soccer ball. I had a trusted therapist and brought this up to him when Jake confirmed that he is transgender and I got some horrible advice. I was told that this is just a phase and it would pass. Well, it didn't pass... and I fear I came very close to losing him. As his depression worsened, my desperation grew.

I can validate your mother's denial as well as her insinuation that this is a Tom
Boy thing. What I wish I could communicate to your mother is that there is a very real possibility of this child doing something drastic if he's left to deal with this on his own. If your mother loved him as her daughter, then she still does love him as her son..... she's just stuck. I was stuck for a while too.... too long. At some point I said... I don't care if you tell me you're a tomato... I'm still going to love you whether I understand it or not and I'm always going to be on YOUR side and I have been all of your life. Then I started getting information.

The people at EC saved us. I didn't know anything about being trans, I was scared to death of the eventuality of my healthy child having a double mastectomy. I was super scared about this bathroom crap that's happening all over. Yes, we lost family.. we lost friends when he came out, but that's just the way it's going to be and every mother must make a decision to continue to protect her child, or worry about losing a few unsupportive naysayers.

1. Please, don't talk about this with others unless this is a professional.. a therapist or your physician who can give you sound advice. Compare what they are telling you to the research you've done before you consider their opinions.

As far as what I did? I discussed it with his father quite a bit. There was a lot of anger, tears, stress, fear... but that was limited to conversations with someone who he already came out to. I did speak with my therapist and got bad advice. Other than that, this was NOT my information to reveal to anyone else. There did come a day when he decided to come out publicly and did so with a FB post. I asked his permission to share that post to inform my friends and family who would read it. So we did it like ripping off a bandaid. On that day I had to start deciding who was my friend and who wasn't and cut several people from my life. My child is more important to me than those people. Your mom may feel the very same way. I hope she does.

2. You may NEVER be able to convince your mother to begin using the proper pronouns and chosen name. What I would do is send her a couple of links to articles listing statistics of trans people who have committed acts of self harm, trans people forced into the sex trade because they were rejected and had no means of support. There is no shortage of stories that you can find and send to her so she may understand the depth of the importance of at least making an attempt.

As for me... I still screw up. When I'm excited.. I'll blurt out his birth name... then correct myself. The day of his surgery, when it was done and he was in recovery, the surgeon came to speak with us and I referred to him as "her" several times. I kept apologizing to his partner who was there with us and he said "It's ok.. you're under a lot of stress today". They both know that this takes time and practice. What Jake DOES appreciate greatly is the fact that I am TRYING my best... although I'm not perfect.

I stand by my suggestion that you link her some articles about gender dysphoria and the devastating effects it has on a person. That may sway her. I know it did it for me.. reading horror stories of children who were rejected or not helped. It was during my search for information that I found this site.

As for your 3rd question. YES YES there are things you can say even if you haven't communicated much about it. First, tell him you want to help and ask how you can! Tell him that you love him and want to know more about what he is going through. Let him know that he isn't alone... he has you, no matter what. That meant a great deal to Jake... knowing that I was going to continue to love him until the day I die..... that as long as I'm alive, he would never be alone.

As he is transitioning, take notice of the good haircut, or developing muscles or the hair growth (If he's on Testosterone, it'll be substantial). I feel my son's shoulders and get excited and say "oh my, you're getting so masculine and so juicy!! LOL He just loved that. I tell him that I love his hairy thighs and that they look like my husband's. I took that a step further and told him that I love to wrap myself around my husband's muscular, hairy legs. He really liked hearing that... that females do find these things attractive. If he's taking testosterone... let him know you notice that his voice is getting deeper. Most of the time, Jake and I communicate online or phone calls because he lives about 8 hours away (he's here with me now recovering from the surgery). One day I called and he answered... but the change in his voice was so drastic that I said "um... I'm looking for Jake.. I think I have the wrong number". Jake starting laughing his butt off and said "MA.. IT"S ME"!! Every little positive thing you can say will help him feel better about himself.

Please, don't take what I'm saying as Gospel. I can only tell you about my own experience with my trans son as we went through it. I can tell you that for most moms, this is very difficult to navigate and we need help to see it more clearly, to understand, to know that our kids need us now more than ever and that our child, tg or not, is still our responsibility to care for. I don't care HOW old my kid is... I'm still his MOTHER! (BTW, he just turned 30).

Good luck sweetie and God Bless you for that loving soul you possess.

 

+1 Sounds like you've got this all sweetened out.

 

I think tgboymom pretty much said it all, great post!

I would only add that if your brother doesn't know about EC, that would be a good thing to tell him about.