My 9 year old son told me he was Gay last night

Some people know when they're pretty young, some don't until they're a bit older. It's a possibility he knows for sure that he is.

sadly ignorance and hatred are always going to be around and it's a likely thing that he may one day have to deal with. I myself can't offer anything that may help, but it's likely some other people here might have the proper experience to give you some advice on the matter.

P.S. Great job being a supportive mom

 

I think most kids just express sexuality (gay or straight) in a purely romantic hand-holding/cheek kissing way at that age. So I'm not surprised they can have different gender preferences.

 

So if he likes guys, he likes guys. That's not gonna change. I liked men at that age too, you know these celebrities you adore ^^ It turned out much later that I like girls too. It's not sure that he doesn't like girls but I wouldn't assume it because my case is rather unusual and you don't want to annoy him with that.

 

I knew by your son's age that I was different. I didn't understand "gay" at the time, but I did know that I was different from other boys. For me it was just something instinctual.

I think now that if I had a mother who had openly expressed support and acceptance for LGBT, and freely talked about these types of issues, I might have figured out that "different" was actually gay. But, I was 9 years old in 1977, so things were different then.

So, is it reasonable that your son knows he is gay by 9 years old? Certainly.

That doesn't mean he won't change his mind later when puberty kicks in and his hormones tell him more about himself. You might just suggest to him that you think it's great that he is comfortable with the idea that he's gay, and that he should know that his acceptance of being gay doesn't mean he now HAS to be gay. He can change his mind at any time in the future if his feelings direct him to another course.

Thanks for being a great mom to your boy. We need more like you.

 

Allornothing,

Thanks for being such an understanding, caring, and supportive parent to a potentially LGBTQ child!

I agree completely with Imgay47. IMO, a 9 year old may definitely know that he is ‘different’ and he may even have the self-realization that he is actually gay - even if he may not truly understand fully what that means. Here is a thread on this website that you may want to check out:

What age did you know you were different

Also, as Imgay47 and anthracite mentioned, that doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind later after he actually hits puberty.

I think it is a testament, though, to your loving parenting that he felt that he could be so open with you about this. Of course, when he hits the teen years, he may feel that the subject of his sexuality is a more private matter, but since you have had this very early open discussion with him and declared your full support, I would say that it bodes very well for him to just continue to be honest with you about how he feels if he changes his mind about his sexuality in any way down the road… Ultimately, though, the journey to understand and accept his sexuality is his alone and only he will ever truly KNOW what it is. You can only be there to continue to support and love him! Thanks again for being such a great mom!

Take Care.

 

I was 10 when I realized that I preferred girls over boys ("Romantically", speaking. I am 13 after all!), so I think it is very possible that your son knows who he is as far as sexuality or preference. As he grows up, hormones start kicking in, and he begins to explore his identity, his feelings might waver or they might be set in stone.
~~~~~
Thank you for being such a supportive mom!

 

You're an awesome mom for supporting him! Kudos to you. I wish I had a mom lIke you.

I think it's totally possible but can it change? That's a possibility as well maybe more Bis ed xual but I don't want to make you assume here. Like the others puberty sorts things out in a way. But I do remember being nine and feeling different. Like brushing my fingertips down other girls hair or lip gloss on a girls lips. It was small things that I didn't understand but growing up catholic you tend to have a little bit of a odd mind.

In the end, love him and support him. You're already doing so well. : )

 

As most of the others above me have said, yes it's certainly possible that he knows at that age! I was about 10 or 11 when I finally came to terms with who I was, and that was without any real education on different sexualities at all, hehe. As a nine year old he probably hasn't developed the ability to find people romantically or sexually attractive, and because he's been brought up with an education on sexualities, there's a chance he just thinks he is. Most importantly, just know that things might change for him when he hits puberty, and he might at one point tell you he likes girls, and then boys again, maybe both or none, but always be there for him during those times, and assure him that he doesn't have to make up his mind so early on in his life, he's still very young!

Thanks for being such a supportive and caring mother! x

 

I don't know about the ignorance and hate levels in his peer group, but I do have some feedback about his age and development, based on my own.

Third grade probably is just slightly early to really understand all that being "gay" entails. However, when you're talking about 4th grade, well that's probably a different story. By then, especially if the hormonal changes are starting to happen a little early, that curiosity starts to kick in. By 5th grade, in my personal case, I was well aware what I thought of when I became aroused. It seemed natural, although the reference messages from everyone in that time was of course homophobic, so one kept this to himself.

In your son's case, it is really pretty nice that he feels quite comfortable sharing this with you. Be sure to ask him questions, so you can be sure when he says "gay" and you think "gay," that you're actually talking about the same thing. It's possible he's not quite on the same page you are.

 

I have gay friends and past boyfriends who knew at age 4, 7, 9, etc. For a lot of gay people, it hits in puberty. But many others figure it out well beforehand. I had a friend around age 5 tell his parents he liked boys and his parents tried to discourage us from playing together after that. Something I only learned 20 years later.

 

These are valid worries, and even the worries of the other kids' parents are not out of line. My mom was rather shocked when I admitted to her recently that I had anal sex for the first time with a boy when I was 11. It never occurred to her or my friends' parents that leaving us boys alone for the afternoon gave us the chance to explore ourselves sexually. Of course, this was the late 70's and we were latchkey kids, so it was considered pretty normal for kids to be alone with friends without parents around.

Would you leave a 9 year old boy alone with a girl for an afternoon? Probably not. So, it's really no different with a gay boy being alone with male friends.

Regarding concerns that his friends' parents may want to keep their sons away from him for fear that he might "turn their boy gay," it is a possibility they will have this worry. If you see that happening, you may need to try to intervene and have a conversation with the parents. If they are homophobic, there's probably nothing you can do about it, but reassurances that the kids will be supervised at all times may help.

While I think it's great that your son is figuring himself out at such an early age, he's far too young to begin acting on those feelings, so I would definitely recommend keeping a close eye on his activities. Just know that actual exploration with other boys is certainly possible at his age, and if you don't want that, you will need to watch over him for now.

 

There is your answer.

I was 9 years old when I started having romantic / sexual thoughts about girls, I would tell girls I want to kiss them and be their 'boyfriend'. I even decided that I was going to become a boy when I grew up so that I could have a girlfriend - I didn't know you don't have to be a boy to have a girlfriend.

I knew I was attracted to girls but I didn't know that I was gay because I didn't know that was possible. I thought 'gay' meant girly boys, I didn't know there were actual people who like the same sex and only realized I was gay when I was 12. But that was over a decade ago and the world is different now. If I was 9 years old today, I would know that I was gay.

As being gay becomes more 'normal' and 'common knowledge', kids are going to start figuring out they are gay from earlier ages - as others have said, kids used to just suspect that they were 'different' without having a label for it but now that being gay a mainstream topic everyone, kids will actually know what is different about them exactly.

 

Well, I don't like to give advice

but gays need more support and protection.

as a youth of his age, his peers barely know what sex means.

when they hit ju nior high, insecurities, competition, hormones, peer pressure, and worse set in.. even if he is out now, there is a bumpy road ahead

i would start getting ready. for him, and for help for him. maybe sooner or later tap into pflag. he needs to be connected through his teen years to people who love him and acept him for who he is, and he needs to nurture and cultivate support and security within himself to deal with every barb thrown his way.


even in recent years young people who were comfortable enough to b e out in junior high or high school did not have the support they needed to be OK. Its reallly great he is out , and that takes a lot from him and bravery, comfort, and strength, and now his community needs to step up and embrace him and support him - and it probably wont on its own.

As he is ready, and as he needs to explore an identity as a minority - he will need resources.


Take care!!!


p.s. does he havea supportive male role model / father figure? just wondering. at most, its important that he doesn't have an unsupportive one!!!!

 

oh, and studing martial arts is a wonderful thing for confidence and security, esp in the face of uncertainty and opposition. Even if one never has to utilize it, it can really help you feel better about things. I am a fan of kung fu - many people like Aikido because it is focused not on ever harming so much the opponent, but just making sure you aren't harmed. Like all self defense, with no offense. Some people prefer that

 

I get a strong feeling that a LOT of people know about themselves at 9 years old (and earlier), but most aren't self-aware enough to admit it and/or don't have the frame of reference to know exactly what gay is and what it means.

Thanks to the way he's been raised, he has already avoided one of the worst kinds of ignorance/hate - and that is the kind that has the potential to flow through his own internal dialogue.
He can walk away from or stand up to the external stuff.
Find stuff that he loves to do and/or excels an (hobbies etc), and there he will find people and friends who accept him.

 

You are his mother.
The support YOU give him will always be more important than anybody else's prejudice. You are both doing wonderfully.

blessings

 

I remember thinking other boys were cute at that age. I remember my dad asking me which girls in my third grade class I thought were cute. I didn't think any of the girls were cute, I thought this boy named Berke was cute. Even at that age I knew I wasn't supposed to think boys were cute so I told him I thought this girl named Tina who had long blonde hair was cute. :lol:

Of course I grew up in a rural farming community in the heart of the Bible Belt and one of my grandfathers was a Southern Baptist preacher so nobody in my family talked about homosexuality. I honestly had no idea what homosexuality or being "gay" was until Rock Hudson died of AIDs in 1985 when I was 13 and people started talking about it. Still, I honestly wasn't 100% sure I was gay until I was about 21 and had dated several women.

Your kid is growing up in a very different world, he hears about gays all the time if he watches any TV and probably thinks that because he doesn't like girls he must be gay. I wouldn't make a big deal about him saying he is gay because most little boys that age are not particularly fond of girls. He may well hit puberty and suddenly decide those girls he didn't think were pretty when he was 9 are hot babes, which is what happens to 90% of boys. I remember being really confused when all of my friends suddenly wanted to hang out with these girls that we all thought had "cooties" a year or so earlier.

Probably the best thing to do is make sure he knows you are OK with whoever he likes and wait and see what happens when he turns 13. :icon_wink