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nonbinary teen custody nightmare

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by meagain716, Oct 14, 2016.

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  1. meagain716

    meagain716
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    Hi,
    I'm looking for some parenting advice. My step[daughter] is a 14y/o nonbinary bio female, we shall call C. They label themself as "gender fluid", but prefers a male appearance, and prefers "they" pronouns. Their father and I have supported them through all of this, however we live in MN and they live in OR most of the time (visitation during summer, holidays, breaks, etc).

    Their biological mother has been in and out of their life and for that reason, C lives with their maternal grandmother. Grandma has mostly raised C, with spurts of living with mom unsuccessfully. C’s father was not really allowed to be part of their life until the past few years (long story, mostly having to do with mom's instability. Dad is a wonderful person and fully capable of being a parent).

    The problem is that grandma is VERY homophobic, religious, conservative, Trump-supporter, etc. She has threatened to throw my C out of the house if they “choose” to be gay. She is openly hostile towards the LGBT community. C’s mom has, surprisingly, been supportive of them right now, but mom and grandma do not get along. C has friends there, has started HS, seems to be doing well socially. However they are left with this crippling anxiety, depression, fear, and shame. They have not come out to grandma and hide their identity from her. They have admitted to cutting themself, having suicidal ideation, etc. They are connected with a therapist, but grandma doesn’t always take them. I’m getting them connected with a psychiatrist soon to hopefully start medication. Additionally, grandma is getting older and hasn’t been as healthy recently. There have been a couple of hospitalizations. And I think grandma is just tired at this point. But she will fight to the bitter end if we try to move my step[daughter].

    We have repeatedly let C know that they are welcome to live with us and that we accept them for who they are. C instead wants to live near her friends, which we understand but leaves us worried about the (indirect) emotional abuse which they may suffer.

    We worry that living with grandma is contributing to their behavioral issues. We want to petition for custody and have them live with us and be free to be themself, but are concerned about how deep the fallout of forcing her to move across the country would be. We worry that if we don’t step in, C will continue spiraling toward self-harm, substance abuse, or even suicide. There seems to be no good outcome here.

    Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
     
    #1 meagain716, Oct 14, 2016
  2. falconfalcon

    falconfalcon Guest

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    Do everything you can to help, love, and support. I dont know about custody - that toxicity is horrible though.

    on the religious side, is C. religous at all? its bad enough that the grandma is trying to use religioun as bashing, but if C. is religious, and grandma is warping her mind about it, that is worse. There are things to do for that, organizations that are religious and LGBT affirming, affirming churches, etc. and also lots of good literature etc.

    Getting away from grandma is better than meds.

    One can't expect any teenager t o have the perspective or strength to choose to leave their peers, or an abusive loved one. Its going to have to take some good parenting to make those calls for the kid.

    I would tell all of this , in writing, in a custody battle,. I would also emphasize that grandma is NOT getting child to all of child's therapy appointments. I would make it extremely clear that grandma is not suitable cargeiver, in spades. I would emphasize you fear for the life of the child.

    Its not healthy for the child to have to hide who they are. This is terrible

    Perhaps there is also something you can do on your end to help them feel more comfortable moving - a way to feel safe and connected to support there.

    Take care!!!

    ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2016 at 04:13 PM ----------

    Please document the cutting and suicidal ideation, everything like that. Make things incredibly obvious and clear for custody battle. Take care!!!!!



    Document document. Document the childs suffering and falling apart and failing, and document the grandmas threats and abusiveness and rashness etc. takecare
     
    #2 falconfalcon, Oct 15, 2016
  3. DAFriend

    DAFriend
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    Coming form and, having a BFF that came form that sort of home get C> out of there ASAP. never mind the friends, C will make new, better fiends. Unless you've been there, you can't imagine the damage a home like that does.

    I know C doesn't see it either, you don't when your in it, not until it's too late. My friend and were fortunate that we had the will and, intelligence to work through it, after the fact but, not before attempting suicide.

    You said the C is thinking it. I can all but promise you that C will do it after her fist sexual experience if you don't get them out of there. I've seen it more than a few times and, I and my BFF both lived it.

    I'm okay with what was done to me now but, if you want to know more of what went through my mind, why I tried to kill myself and, how I began the healing process, what hurt, what helped, then feel free to PM me. Either way, please get your stepchild out of there and into your loving, accepting home.
     
    #3 DAFriend, Nov 1, 2016
  4. johndeere3020

    johndeere3020
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    meaiain716
    Have you tried the Outfront Minnesota webpage for added support?

    Also The Seven Rivers LGBT Center is in Lacrosse WI. They also serve Fillmore, Houston, Winona, and Wabasha Counties in SE Minnesota.

    Take Care
    Dean
     
    #4 johndeere3020, Nov 1, 2016
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