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My wee son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Cooper100, Oct 21, 2016.

  1. Cooper100

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    Hi I'm really not sure how this form works came across it through Google.
    I'm the mum of a 14 year old boy my son recently came to my husband and I to tell us he is gay. I'm a little ashamed to say I found it difficult to breathe but managed to smile and hug him my first response was to tell him we love him very much and we talked to him about why he felt this was the case. He is adamant in his feelings and I am so proud of him for being so brave at such a young age and openly admit this to us all. He has already told all his friends and their parents are also aware so this is something he has been comfortable with for a while.
    On hearing he had told friends etc I felt we needed to tell My parents as gossip travels fast in our wee country and I wanted them to hear it from me first as they are both extremely religious and have their own views on sexuality. To my surprise they both took it very well although my mum has had trouble biting her tongue and has cornered my son to ask if he's still gay and went on to explain the sexual acts that are part of being gay (I think she thinks she can put him off it) I spoke to her and told her she needed to be accepting of him and supportive which I know 100% she will be but in her own way!
    We as parents are also struggling with the aspect of friends as he has had a few sleepovers and we are finding it difficult to get our heads around that they are all girls staying over.
    He has asked for his guy friends to stay but we have had to say no. How does everyone else deal with this? I'm trying to treat him same as I have treated my daughter and I would never have allowed boys to sleep over with her.
    This is all so confusing for everyone and I know I'm waffling a lot here but there's so many questions if like to ask parents in same position
    He's my wee son and I worry every day that someone is going to say or do something I him because he is openly gay.
    He is the most loving little boy still comes in and hugs me every morning and sits in my knee. I love this obviously
    I can't tell anyone without welling up and I feel guilty for that. But I feel people are feeling sorry for us and I'm not good with sympathy or sympathetic looks. I'm usually the strong one who gives the support and I'm not good at accepting it or feeling I need it. I feel I'm supposed to be happy with everything and I must say I'm happy he is happy and has been brave enough to tell us all his feelings I just need to know he's going to be ok.
     
  2. Nihilist1998

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    You're very lucky he was brought up in such a supportive family and society! It's so highly unlikely in todays Western society that anything wrong comes from being openly gay, you don't see any hate crime like there was in the mid-late 1900's, be thankful for that at least!

    Regarding those dreaded sleepovers, I really think you're stressing too much about hypotheticals, the most that could happen is a bit of experimentation, and even at that age I probably wouldn't expect anything to happen, if anything your son still just has guy friends that he wants to spend time with out of school and in the comfort of his own home; keep in mind he's still a growing boy, he needs friends that aren't just girls, and sleepovers are the best way to bond!

    I understand your deep worry for your son's openness, and how that might affect others and how they see him, my mother was like that too. I think more than anything its an amazing thing that your boy is so open with his sexuality, even though he's still quite young and figuring everything out, others need that kind of role model, to let them know it really is okay to be who you are!

    More than anything at this point, just let him know you love, care, and support him through everything, and will always be there for him, because there's always going to be those rough few people who will try to put him down for being who he is. Also I suggest going and looking through the Parents section on the forums, its a nice little place x
     
  3. Cooper100

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    Hi thankyou for your reply I appreciate the advice. I just want him to be happy in life and I also want to protect him as much as I possibly can. All his friends have been very supportive and to date ours have been too although we have not shared this with many people just our closest and family.
    I hear what your saying re the sleepovers and my fear is off isolating him from his make friends too although he seems to have a wide spectrum of friends but how do I know if there are are boys staying over that they aren't gay also and at that I'm putting him in a situation which I would never have allowed my daughter in.

    ---------- Post added 21st Oct 2016 at 04:19 AM ----------

    How do I get to the parents section I'm useless at this x
     
  4. doinitagain

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    Hi Cooper100
    Click the word welcome in the text starting Empty Closets - A safe online community at the top of the page. When you get to the main forum page, scroll down to For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People.
    Yor son is luck to have your support. He has had time to come to terms with his sexuality. You also need time to come to terms with it, so please give yourself time! There's lots of support here so just ask away!
     
  5. Creativemind

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    So, a few thought I have about this.

    First, you are an amazing Mom for accepting your son so instantly. It must have come as a shock to you, but you are handling it well. You're doing everything right, and he's very lucky!

    Second, I'm a bit concerned that your Mom wanted to talk to your son about sex after realizing he was gay. This would be ok if she is doing it in an educational/sex ed sort of way, but it seemed to come off that she was doing it to be graphic and put him off being gay (correct me if I'm wrong). Unfortunately, when people think of gay people, they automatically think we're sex obsessed more than straight people are (which isn't true, I have a low sex drive, still haven't slept with anyone and I'm 26). Of course, she's allowed to disagree with homosexuality, and that's fine, but It's still her grandson, so you should maintain boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate.

    Third, about the sleepovers, I would just maintain the same boundaries that you would do with your other children. I think it really depends on the situation too. If his guy friends are straight, It's also likely nothing will happen (unless they really are that curious), but you know him and his friends better than I do. My Mom knew I was a lesbian when young, and still allowed girls to sleepover since she trusted me that nothing would happen, especially since the door was left open. Nothing ever happened as I was pretty squeamish about sex when young and raised to believe that it was only appropriate within relationships/marriage. But It's a completely different generation now, so the same rules can be a bit trickier. I would just try to find out about his guy friends to see if they are types that can be trusted or not, but if not, your rules are fine.
     
  6. Calf

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    I had to laugh a bit when I read about the Grandparents response. There is often an assumption that older generations hold more traditional prejudice but in my experience there isn't much truth in it. Many people on this forum and in the wider community find a lot of straight forward honest support from their grandparents. It's really positive that he has so much support from his family and friends. As long as he has you, it will make it so much easier for him to deal with the rest of the world.

    As others have picked up about the sleepover I can understand your concerns but t's important that you don't restrict him from forming normal friendships with other young men. The complications of dating, being attracted to and befriending the same gender is complicated enough for him without external judgement. at that age it can take a lot of courage for a straight boy to "risk" being friends with the gay kid at school. The two of them will get enough judgemental comments and sniggers in the corridor so as hard as it is you will protect him best by supporting him and treating his friend as just a friend.
    Not that it's much consolation but if young teens want to sexually experiment then they will find a way to do it, they don't need to have a sleep over under the watchful eyes of their parents. This isn't specific to any sexuality, I think we can all honestly agree on that.
    If this really is a strong concern then the best thing is to talk with him about safe sex, consent and where things are affected by the law, explain in fair terms.

    Finally I just wanted to pick up on the fact that you have expressed how this has been an emotional journey for you too and you feel that you need to hide that from your son. Don't be afraid to let him know how this has affected you too because if he sees you hiding your emotions he may misinterpret it as you being ashamed or angry or embarrassed about it all. When you talk to him be honest and from the heart. Explain how you feel but that what is most important is your love for each other. If it really does feel overwhelming, you could maybe look to getting some professional counselling to help you consolidate your thoughts and support your family better.
     
  7. johndeere3020

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    Hi Cooper100,

    Thank you for being so supportive of your son! His parents support will make all the difference to him as he grows up!
     
  8. falconfalcon

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    I think its awesome your son is out and that you support him. That is the most important thing - that you love and support him.

    Just keep being there for him - let him know if he ever has any problems to let you know , and that its OK to share all his feelings with you and if he ever needs to talk your always there. Let him know if anything is ever bothering him you want him to tell you bout it. So - if he has any challenges, you will know, and can be there for him

    With the sleepovers - i dunno, i think work it out. Maybe have a rule about leaving the door open while everyone is awake, and maybe have you husband go sleep with them while its sleep time. Chaperone. That outta stop anything :wink:


    Its OK for him to have friends over, and if they experiment, that's not so bad... however young kids often dunno what they are doing, and however nice your son is maybe a friend will have a stupid idea and someone will get feelings hurt. Not worth the risk - i like your instincts of caution.

    Its still really important for him to have good connections and b onding with his male peers. Would your husband mind chaperoning once its time for lights out?


    I'm really glad you love your son. He does need lots of support and looking out for and protection - just keep being there and staying aware of what he's going through - then you can help and make sure he is OK :slight_smile:

    Also, you might want to find other gay parents in the area to connect with and compare notes and support eachother :slight_smile: PFLAG can sometimes b e helpful with this - I have no idea whether they are on your side of the pond :slight_smile:


    I'm so glad you are there for you son!! :slight_smile: Take care!!!! :slight_smile:
     
    #8 falconfalcon, Oct 21, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2016
  9. I'm gay

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    I don't want to scare you, but I second others' opinions here on the need for caution. I was a boy who experimented with friends at an even earlier age than your son. And very little of it occurred at sleepovers. If your son chooses to experiment with boys he will do so, they will find a way.

    I think the best thing you could do for your son, besides being the awesome and accepting mom you are already proving to be, is to help to educate him. I had zero education about sex, and it caused a lot of problems for me. The topic will be difficult to deal with, so I don't necessarily suggest that you educate him personally, but try to find someone in the next year or so who can really talk to your son about sex, how to stay safe, and answer his questions.

    Banning sleepovers isn't the answer. If you're concerned about sexual play at sleepovers, have them sleep in the livingroom in sleeping bags. In an open area like that there is more fear of discovery and may inhibit sexual play.

    Also, you may want to suggest that EC might be a good place for him to explore his understanding of LGBT if he's interested.

    Take care.
     
  10. ghostly

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    Hi! I'm glad you are so supportive of your son. I'm around your sons age and I wish my parents were that supportive, however they are very homophobic. :icon_sad:

    I think it's terrible that your Mom started talking to your son about sex once she found out he was gay! Being gay isn't just about sexual attraction, it also about romantic attraction!

    I don't think you need to worry about anything or overthink his sexuality. After all, a person is more than their sexuality.

    I personally don't think you should ban him from having sleepovers with boys. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he is attracted to every one of his friends who is a boy. He probably just wants to have sleepovers for purely platonic reasons.

    Anyway, I think you should just let him know that he can talk to you about anything, whether it's about his sexuality or something else, and leave it at that.
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    It sounds like you are doing your very best to understand and offer support and nobody can fault you for that.

    Take a look at this UK based website: Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays Home
    The FFLAG website has lots of information and useful resources, including factsheets and a book list. You can also find details of a support line and ways to connect with other parents/relatives.
     
  12. B a r e f o o t

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    I just want to say that I definitely would not have your husband chaperone them while sleeping. That will tell your son that you don't trust him; a very bad message to send. It seems you have a very good relationship with your son, I hope you won't damage it by sending a message that you don't trust him. Please don't. If he wants to have sex, he will anyway; if not in your home, there are plenty of other places. I would only talk with him about being safe.
     
  13. brainwashed

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    #13 brainwashed, Oct 25, 2016
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