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How to confront my baby's father about him being gay??

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by confusedkay, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. confusedkay

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    I have always read these forums, but I've never actually posted or thought that I would. But, I am truly in need of some advice and there is no one for me to talk to in my circle that I don't feel won't cast judgement. Also, I don't want to share something like this we anyone because it is he's responsibility to come out. Ok, here's the story.

    I have known my baby's father for almost ten years now. We dated back in college for 5 years and have been friends for 5 years. Back in college I found gay porn on his computer. When I tried to confront him about it I could not open the site to show him. It literally disappeared. He said that he didn't believe me. My family and friends all met him and told me that they thought he was gay. I chalked it up to him being foreign (as he is from Africa) and my family having small minds. Time has past and early last year we reconnected. I was living in China and he reached out to me. We talked long distance for months before he decided to move to China to be with me. I was elated. I just knew that someone who would make such a huge leap of faith for me must truly love me.

    As soon as he got to China things fell apart horribly. We fought a lot. He was mean, I was mean. We weren't happy. I stayed and tried to work things out because I felt guilty that he had made such a sacrifice for me. Two months later we found out that I was 4 weeks pregnant. We moved back home to American and moved in with my father. As the baby grew I fell more and more in love with the idea of having a family. But he fell the opposite way. About two weeks ago he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted to break up. Four days later I found text in his phone to a girl working at his job. He seemed to be madly in love with her. He described her as "intoxicating". When I confronted him about it he did not deny feelings for her and agreed to leave. Since then he has been taking her out on dates and actively seeking a relationship with her. I cried and begged him to give us a chance but he insist that his love for me is dead. A few days ago, I found gay porn on his computer again. I confronted him with love and understanding. I told him that regardless of it were are together, were having a baby and I don't want any surprises. He vehemently denied it and made up an excuse about other people using his computer. I let it go, mainly because I figured "maybe he just likes exotic porn", "people have varied taste in porn", "he denied being gay, so that what it is". But my curiosity was eating at me and today I found a dating site in his gmail trash box. When I went on the site I saw that he had a profile for men seeking men. He's gay!

    I feel like I'm at a rock and a hard place. I feel the most sad for my daughter because she will have a father who is hiding such a huge part of himself. I feel bad for him. And I still love him. I don't want him to live his life in a lie. Even if we are never a family again, I don't want there to be these types of secrets. I want to talk to him in a way that will help him trust me and come out to me. I have started counseling to deal with his infidelity and my heart break.
    Please give me your opinion.
     
  2. killswitch0029

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    You did point out some things that are strong indicators that he is/potentially is gay. The fact of the matter is though he's going to adamantly deny it regardless of anything you throw at him until he feels ready to come to terms with it and let you know. I can understand where you're coming from, it's very obvious that you have no malicious intent behind anything that you're doing, but this isn't really something that you can rush.
     
  3. AlmostBlue

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    I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. From what you've written, it doesn't necessarily seem like the father of your baby is gay. Sexuality is a spectrum, so he could possibly like both men and women. If you want to understand him and his sexuality, it's probably worthwhile to do some research yourself first.

    If you do some research, you will quickly come across the idea that no one should try to pull anyone out of their closet. They have to come to terms themselves and open up. All you can do is to just be there for him when he does. I know you have good intentions, but it is not up to you to decide whether his life is a lie or not, or how he chooses to live his life. At this point, the only legitimate concern to have is whether he will be a good father to your baby regardless of who he is dating or what his sexuality is.
     
  4. DAFriend

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    Porn does NOT indicate orientation. I know gay men that like lesbian and straight porn and, straight guys that like gay porn. Personally I l prefer gay porn over other types but, I'm not gay, not straight either but, lesbian and straight porn just don't get it for me.

    Just let it go, why do you feel the need to confront him about his sexuality? You aren't his partner anymore and, whatever he is is not going to change the fact that he's the father of your child, doesn't mean the child will be gay or not. If he is and wants to come out, he will, if not, you need to let it go and accept him as what he presents himself as.
     
  5. Gay Deputy

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    IF he is gay, it will be up to him to accept and announce it. You have displayed more than enough empathy which I'm sure he will not forget if that day ever does come. Heck, his retaliation against your love and his hurry to move on may be an attempt on his part not to accept what you've already figured out. If he is gay, it may be a slow hard process for him.

    All you can do is teach your daughter the acceptance and virtues that you hold. If the day ever comes, she will emulate you and life will be as it should. You seem like a great, loving person and you should pass those qualities to your child. That's what this world needs!
     
  6. CubbieBlue

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    I agree with those that say it doesn't automatically mean he's gay. From the sounds of it, he definitely has an attraction for men and women alike, but that doesn't mean he is comfortable sharing that with anyone. He may not even be comfortable admitting it to himself. I struggled with this for years before I could finally admit that I'm bisexual. As much gay porn as I watched and as much as I would have loved to be intimate with a man, I still denied any attraction to men. I would even deny that I had crushes and instead used the excuse that I just thought some guys were really cool. It's not always easy to realize your sexuality, especially if its not how you identify yourself. Be patient. When (or if) the time ever comes, he might come to you first. It sounds like you've done plenty to let him know you wouldn't change to him or around him either way. And I wouldn't worry about him hiding himself (from himself or anyone else) affecting how he is as a father. I still struggle real bad sometimes with who I am, but my kids would never know it. They are still my world, whether I'm straight, gay, bi, pans or anything else under the beautiful rainbow umbrella.
     
  7. dublinz

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    I'm thinking it really doesn't matter if he's gay or straight. Your relationship being over, means that if he's bi, it's really his business. In terms of visitation, it's nice to get to the point of knowing the other person's partner but like someone said, if he is, he's not ready to disclose and pushing the issue is disrespectful.

    I don't understand "don't want any surprises". Being gay isn't a bad thing. He's free to be straight, gay or bi. It's just life. Sounds like time and patience will work this one out.
     
  8. falconfalcon

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    You have to face that there are two things going on here

    1. your relationship problems with him

    2. him having gay porn and email from gay dating sites on his computer, and lying about it

    I undersstand you want him to share this part of his life with you, and also that you are pregnant with his kid, and that you want him to be comfortable being open about his sexuality.


    But you have to understand - he's not doing that.

    He's also being a huge jerk to you, moving in with you in china and then being mean, now getting you pregnant and making passes at someone else?????

    This guy has a lot of issues. Being gay/bi/curious is the least of them.


    You need to detach from them and get perspective. This guy has honesty problems not just with being gay, but a lot of honesty problems.

    Does his new girl know he was living with his baby mama when he starting picking her up???


    What kind of guy is this???

    And what kind of father?

    This is not a father. This is a pig.


    I'm sorry your in this emotional mess - and I know being pregnant isn't making it easier.


    Let this man go his way. He will just make your life a mess, he obviously doesn't want to straighten his out.


    Hopefully someday you will meet a good man who will be a good father to your daughter - let that make up for this. You can't change other people - you cant change this man, even for your daughter. Find better men to be there for her, so that it doesn't matter.



    Take care of yourself!!!!!! Stay safe, keep you and your baby safe from sketchy people (including your baby daddy!!!!) :slight_smile:
     
  9. tgboymom

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    Sweetie...

    I've read this post over and over several times. I've been hesitant to respond because what I have to say has little to nothing to do with confronting your baby daddy.

    I know you are hurting. I know you feel betrayed. I also get the feeling that you are hoping he comes back to you to make the family work. That last one is going to keep you in a holding pattern. The longer you hang onto it, the more bitter you will become. To me, that will be more devastating to your daughter than her father's sexuality.

    What are you doing for you right now? Do you have a good support system around you.... friends, family to help you?

    I surely know this is easier said than done but you need to worry about YOU right now... not him. If you two are no longer together, his sexuality is truly just his business anyway and any amount of coaxing from you could end up backfiring. :frowning2: Please, honey, please take care of yourself and your child.

    Be Blessed!
     
  10. Rickystarr

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    I agree with whoever said his sexual preference is the least of your concerns. He's probably at least bicurious, but who cares? You're not together. Let him be whatever. He sounds like kind of an asshole anyway.

    I would just let it be unless he brings it up to you. You've already made it clear that you support him either way and that is all you can do.
     
  11. confusedkay

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    Hi All,

    Thank you so much for your replies. They have definitely given me some perspective. Most of you were right in regards to him not coming out to me when I confronted him. All I could do was tell him that no matter what I will always be here for him.

    As far as our relationship, or lack there of; I tried without prevail to just have "some" type of relationship with him. As angry and hurt as I am, every night I crave his presence to the point of agony. Being away from him hurts. Being around him hurts. Especially because I could feel that things are becoming more serious with the new girl. Recently, I started having labor pains (I'm only 6 months by the way) and the doctors told me it was from stress. I've been through break up's before. They all hurt, but being hormonal and heart broken is a pain so deep. I've never felt anything like this before. On top of that I feel guilty that my depression is affecting my baby, since she's still inside of me. I have to force myself to eat. I can only stay asleep for a few hours then I wake up and can't get back to sleep because I'm obsessing.

    Everyone is tell me that I have to be strong for my baby. But, its knowing that my pain is her pain that's tearing me apart more. Every time I cry I feel like I'm failing her. I don't think that there's any advise that anyone can give that I haven't already heard.

    Yesterday, I went by his house early in the morning before church. He wasn't there. When I called him he was just waking up and explained that he was at her house. I completely fell apart again and realized as much as it hurts me to cut him off, I'm hurting myself and our baby more trying to keep something alive that is dead. I have 2.5 months to go before he due date. Unless there's some complications, I just won't contact him until she's born...

    ---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 08:26 PM ----------

    "Does his new girl know he was living with his baby mama when he starting picking her up???

    What kind of guy is this???

    And what kind of father?"

    Yea she knows! I talked to her twice. The first time I told her all of the truths. That we lived together and were expecting a baby. That when they stated seeing each other we were still together and my heart was broken. A week later I called her again and they were actually on a date together that very moment. She doesn't care. There officially together now.

    As for what kind of guy he is.... I'm learning now that I never truly knew. The way he's hurting me I never would have expected. I thought our friendship was stronger than this at least.

    Since we've broken up he's given me money to buy things for the baby. His support is strictly financial at this time. But he's made it clear that he has every intention on being in his daughters life. I hope me holds up to that commitment.