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How can i help my transgender daughter with Depression

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Caringmom, Nov 6, 2016.

  1. Caringmom

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    Good Morning everyone happy Sunday to all.So i would like some advice about my daughter and her Depression .She is 14 and have been transitioning for the past 6 years and she is turning into a beautiful young lady i tell her that everyday and a great kid .She takes medicine everyday and gets counseling once a week and her counselor is very good and my daughter likes her very much .When it comes to school she loves school and does very well and A'S and B'S .She also attends a dancing school 2 times a week which she also loves .I feel that we are a great team because we have a lot of mother and daughter talks and i try to spend a lot of time with her and do a lot of things .

    The one part of depression i am having with my daughter is she really does not have any close friends at all either in school or outside of school accept my girlfriends who thing she is a great kid .I decided to pack up the house and everything and move to another town for a fresh start because were we used to live my daughter was bullied everyday it was pretty bad that was 3 years ago So now its not the bully part just now she does not have any friends her classmates do talk to in school but that's about it .My daughter was crying the other night to me that she always tells me that she wishes that she was born female .I tell her that i know you do but we can't change that and i tell her that i am her #1 supporter .I also told her they other night i have no idea why you do not have any close friends in school.I do agree with my daughter that i would like for her to have one girlfriend so she can talk girl stuff and hang out and she can't even find one friend .

    Its like i do not understand i know my daughter is transgender and she is the only one in her school .My daughter loves fashion and she has so many cute outfits and when i send her to school she does not dress over the top but she dresses very nicely .On the other hand my girlfriends love her and they think how great kid she is and how proud they are i am raising such a great daughter.My daughter has a great sense of humor and very really does she give me any problems

    When my daughter is with either me and my girlfriends or if my friends take her to have a girls night out like they did last night she is all smiles and always has a great time .My daughter always tells me it is like she has 8 more aunts and they always treat my daughter just like one of the girls .On the other hand try so hard as a mom to spend a lot of quality time with my daughter .I run a small accounting business out of my home and i just hired another person so i can even spend more time with my daughter .

    We go shopping a lot and we have our nails done a lot and every time we go out we always have a great fun time .In the past 6 months we had to attend a lot of functions it was a first in my daughters life that she attended a bridal shower and we also were guest at my friends wedding last weekend .So also a first for my daughter she was asked to dance by a boy at the wedding ..

    So can anyone can explain why she has more depression at school than she does at home .Is it possible that she is getting bullied at school and that she not telling me or the school.Her school has a strict bullying policy so is possible that kids still bully her

    Does anyone thing that my daughter will get upset if i have my girlfriends talk to her .I know my friends will be very upset if she is bullied .

    It breaks my heart and like i said a few times in this message my daughter is a great kid but just can not figure out why she has no friends in school. I also it is hard because she is transgender and is the only transgender in her school. Is it a good that i talk to her everyday to find out how she is doing .

    So any advice i would appreciated very much take care and have a great Sunday
     
  2. tgboymom

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    I'm guessing you already moved? Have you checked into LGBT groups for kids in your area? I've been looking for one for my 30 year old tg son .. not that he's lonely, but so he has others like him to talk to.. talk about the good stuff and the not so good stuff. I was thrilled recently when we had a party for him and there was another trans guy here who he had never met. They all sat around the table and chatted for HOURS, and it made him very happy. :slight_smile:

    Another thing I might consider is that your daughter is going through a lot of what other teenage girls go through. I mean.. we still hormones doing a number on our kids at that age.

    Have you moved yet? One of the biggest issues is FEAR... how is that school about educating the other kids about Trans kids?

    I wish her the best. There is happiness there. I'm a pushy woman so I'd probably be throwing a lot of parties and inviting other girls so they could come and get to know her, or finding groups, or inviting other trans kids (along with their mothers) to come and have some sort of social gathering.
     
  3. falconfalcon

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    I dunno. Hopefully someone else will know better what to say then me..


    Its definitely hard not to have a friend. Are there other communities activities besides dancing you can get your daughter involved with? a way to meet other kids?

    Even if they aren't bullying her, at school they might be giving her the cold should or something...

    I would just keep encouraging her to do things to meet new kids and interact with others her age..


    Do the local community centers have classes for kids?


    Where i grew up you could take art classes at various places around towns, classes for kids...


    stuff like that. I dunno if she would like martial arts, or theatre, perhaps something with music? I dunno.... maybe a second language class?

    Is there a local community college with such classes or programs?


    Is there a local church or other faith community with youth groups?


    Does your daughter know other LGBT kids her age? This might help a lot. I just breezed past a youtube video about a summer camp for young trans girls, I'm not sure what age I didn't watch, a lot seemed younger than your daugher though. I dunno - i think its very important to have some success socializing with peers - ithink its GREAT your friends are stepping up and if she can lean on that for positive socializing that's awesome - but if she could get just a little bit of positive interaction with someone closer in age, I'm sure she'll feel better :slight_smile:



    At some point you might also think about if your daugher wants to go to college, where she might go to, and start her thinking about preparring and aiming for it.

    Many colleges do have summer school programs for high school students. I remember wanting to go my junior year summer.....

    It might be a nice way to find a better social scene.


    Surely somewhere in Massachusettes there are good LGBT centers, maybe also with youth stuff? might be good to visit.


    I definitely think connecting your daugher with other LGBT youth, esp T youth, might help, and also encouraging her to continue to do social things around town where she can meet and interact with more kids :slight_smile:


    Really glad you are supporting her. Glad your friends are stepping up - mature adults can be much more supportive than teenagers!!! :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

    Take care :slight_smile:
     
  4. Caringmom

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    I want to thank you so much for your help and advice.So to answer your question yes we moved 3 years ago.I also found a support group for teens for LGBT that I will contact tomorrow.We are also attending a makeup party this Friday through also a good friend of mine.She told me to bring my daughter because there will be a lot of girls her age there which is good .So I hope my daughter can make friends there..So again thank you for the advice have a great night
     
  5. wolf of fire

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    Maybe it would help if she was to meet or speak to other people like herself; she's old enough for an account on here, do you think it would help her if she joined our little community?
     
  6. Gunsmoke

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    I agree with this! Maybe having other trans - or just LGBTQ+ as a whole - people to chat to would help her out?

    Honestly, I'm kind of the same way that your daughter is. I mean, I'm not trans, but throughout highschool I also never really had any close friends, the most I did was hang out on the edge of friendship groups without creating any meaningful, lasting bonds. Obviously I don't know about your daughter, but with me, this is just the way I am. It makes me sad and lonely, too, sometimes, so unfortunately if this is the case with your daughter, I can't tell you how to solve it - although there surely is a way, I just never looked for one. I'd recommend getting your daughter to discuss it with her therapist. Did your daughter have many friends before she came out, or has she always been a bit lonely?

    If maybe she is getting bullied, that's another issue entirely. Often kids don't like to tell their parents or authority figures about it. If you are considering asking one of your friends to talk to your daughter about it, I suppose you have to ask yourself how this might make your daughter feel. It depends a lot on the relationship between your daughter and that particular friend, I believe.

    Although this might sound weird, what helped me was making friends online. I know there's a massive safety worry about it, but the thing is that there are so many filters online that don't exist in real life, and you can easily find people with similar interests and ideals to your own. There are a couple of people I know online whom I consider very close friends. This site has helped me, too.

    Finally, you sound like such a helpful and supportive mother, your daughter is very lucky to have you. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2016 at 03:36 PM ----------

    Sorry! Counselor, not therapist. Honestly, I'm not sure what the difference is. Could she talk to her counselor about it?
     
  7. Caringmom

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    Good afternoon and thank you so much for the advice i really appreciated very much so to answer a few of your questions .So before she came out as trans they social life was great went to birthday parties and had lots of friends .So December 5 1999 my son came out to me and he wanted to be a girl that he was trans just before his 8th birthday.Then after a few months of my son seeing a therapist there is no doubt that she wanted to be trans and wanted to be a girl.We then had a family meeting with my whole family of April of 3000 and explain to them what was going on .Its a long story but i have not spoke to my family and my parents in 6 years because he came out Then came to tell his friends and there parents and again they stop being friends with him that was from 2010 to about 2013 .The bulling was so bad i pack up the house and moved a few hours a way to start a new life .

    So now it is not the bullying i have to worry about with my daughter its making friends in school.She did tell me that she does miss her grandparents a lot and during the meeting with the therapist.The crazy thing is like you mention and my daughter is the same way outside of school my girlfriends love my daughter and they do so much for her .They know she is trans but they do not see her at all as trans like one of the girls The one thing my daughter has a passion for is Ballet and she has been taking it for 6 years..

    There are 3 young ladies that Volunteer that used to be dancers so i was approached by them at her dancing school while my daughter goes to and they work with her with dance .So i thought they wanted to tell me something bad but it was nothing like that .I got nothing but praise and how great my daughter does and they know she is trans .So the 3 of them are taking my daughter out this coming saturday afternoon after dance to have girls afternoon out .My daughter always wanted to hang out with other girls and like i told the 3 of them this is going to be such a boost for her .I explain to them in her young life and i explain that she just wants to fit in being a female .The 3 of them all told me just like my girlfriends said is they know she is trans but what they see a young lady that has a lot of talent .They told me they make them laugh and is down to earth young lady.They told me it breaks there heart that she has no friends in school .It is like i explain to them made be that i guess she will have friends just outside of school.So my daughter is going to have her first girls afternoon out with ladies close to her age .We go out a lot and i try to spend so much time with her but i feel that i am hoping this works out with my daughter hanging with these other girls .When we go to church every Sunday she gets all dolled up

    Her therapist told me that my daughter is boy crazy and she is afraid that how i will act if she brings up and talking about boys .So like i told her therapist i had no idea that she was boy crazy because she never talked about boys .So the following day i picked up her from school and i was like so how was school and she was like ok .Then i was like can we have a talk and she was like what about and i was like about boys .I can not express how great her reaction she had on her face so for an hour and having ice cream in the car that is all we talked about is boys .She told me about 6 boys she has interested in and 6 boys that that she does not like .Then she ask me about my first boyfriend and i told her it was so great and i know my daughter is trans but it was so great to heart to heart talk with her .Then she was like mom if i ask you promise not to laugh so like i always tell her you can talk about anything and i told her i support her since day one i don't laugh ..

    Then she was like can you put my hair in rollers and i explain to her how about we wait to saturday night because i have one of my friends put them in for you .When we got home we get put of the car and she was like thank you for the past 6 years of accepting me as your daughter.I was like your very welcome .I explain to her that you do not need to be worried or nervous about asking me anything about girls stuff .I told her i am so glad that i have a daughter so she smiles and gave me a hug So i have to get going but i wanted to mention a few things and again thanks for the advice .Take care and have a great night
     
  8. RavenTheRat

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    I'm not sure I can help much with your daughter's depression, but I want to say that you are a FABULOUS mom and you're doing everything right! Literally we all want a mom like you who accepts us like that. Your daughter will in the future (and probably already does) realize how amazing you are and how lucky she is to have a mom like you :slight_smile:
     
  9. Caringmom

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    Thank you so much for the great and kind words i really appreciated very much .When she came out 6 years ago i have accepted her from day one .I am very proud of her and she is a mature young lady .It is hard for me as a single mom some time but i take one day at a time .So again thank you for the great and kind words
     
  10. I'm gay

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    Hi Caringmom -

    First, I want to tell you how impressed I am with you, and I wish that all LGBT people had a mom who was as supportive as you.

    A new school is always tough, but adding transgender to it makes it much more difficult. I don't know about your community or her school and the levels of tolerance and acceptance there, but making friends is difficult for some no matter what.

    Since she is making friends outside of school with dance, that tells me that she is able to make friends, so perhaps her school is too full of cliques for a new student to make headway with already established groups of friends.

    I would suggest that she stop trying so hard to make friends at school, and work instead on making friends in the groups and activities that she enjoys outside of school. Ultimately, school will end in a few years and she will have her entire post-school life ahead of her. Help her to see that school is such a small amount of time in her life, and none of it will really matter in the long run.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  11. RavenWing

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    **This has nothing to do with this post, just confusion**
    So in previous posts it says your daughter is 12 and came out recently, but now she's 14 and has been transitioning for over 6 years? Am I missing something? Or do you have to tg daughters and I'm just confused? I don't want to sound disrespectful I'm just genuinely curious and confused.