Feeling like a terrible parent

Hey Strangetripp,

Thanks for being such a concerned parent of an LGBTQ child!

Nothing you wrote sounds like you have any reason to feel guilty or ashamed or would indicate that you are a bad parent in any way.

Each of us Comes Out (or not) on our own timeline and when we are comfortable. A very important part of the comfort level for most of us is that we have to first understand and accept our sexuality for ourselves - and that happens for each of us in our own way and in our own timefame. For myself, I didn't come to a true understanding of my sexuality until I was 23 years old and it took another two years (your sons age) before I accepted it. I never feared that my parents wouldn't be accepting and they were always supportive of me, but why would I want to go through the process of feeling so vulnerable and exposed by telling anyone such personal and private information like my sexuality until/unless I was accepting of it myself? I wouldn't/didn't.

If your son said that he didn't want to Come Out earlier because he was hoping that those "feelings would go away," it sounds like he had not fully accepted his sexuality for himself. Growing apart (distant) from parents while we are on our own journey of understanding and accepting our sexuality is very common. And, of course, talking to parents about sex is always awkward, let alone telling them that we are other than heterosexual.

I would advise you not to dwell on the past. Just be there for your son now - demonstrate your acceptance and your unconditional love. Now that he can be open and honest with you about his sexuality, you will almost certainly grow closer together than ever before.

Just some thoughts. I don't know it this helps at all.

 

Oh God I know exactly what you are saying except my kid TOLD me that he didn't come out as trans sooner because he WAS afraid I would reject him because of my Christianity. I felt like a failure as a parent as well as a failure to him and God for his religious training. What on earth did I do? Christianity is not about turning people away! Is this what I taught him?

I WISH I was as good as you. My kid FEARED me. :tears:

I'm so glad you and your son are enjoying a close relationship. I think sometimes they turn inward when they are figuring stuff out, but it doesn't seem to me that your son would have feared you at all. I think he was being honest with you about why he didn't come out sooner.

(*hug*)

 

Kids are pretty good at picking up signs. If you are tolerant, like you say, he probably knew that. Just like he probably knew that a lot of society is not tolerant. And it was that knowledge that kept him in the closet.

Of course what you feel still hurts, and is perfectly normal, but maybe reflecting on this will help heal.

 

Hi Strangetripp,

I am 47 years old and only came out of the closet this past June.

QuantumReality hit the nail squarely on the head with his post. Internal shame and a lack of self-acceptance keeps so many of us in the closet whether or not we believe our parents or other family members will be accepting. In addition, the longer we stay in the closet, the harder it gets to come out because we then often feel shame for the lying as well as shame for being gay.

Just move forward and don't worry about the past. Your acceptance now is all that matters. Make sure he sees that you don't see him any differently than before.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - please get the guilt and pity out of your mind. It won't help him if he things you pity him for his lost years or for your guilt. It's not constructive and will only serve to remind him of this.

Thanks for being a supportive dad! ride:

 

No, you two are both excellent parents, don't worry!

See, the thing is that even though us LGBTQ+ people might know that you're tolerant, I think that with a lot of us there is an underlying fear that we just can't shake because we're so used to society not accepting us. I mean, my Mum is one of the loveliest people that I know and it still took me a while to come out to her (and when I did, I was physically shaking and I had to force the words out. I couldn't look her in the eye) even though I knew that she would accept me no matter what.

I went the long way round with that, but what I mean is that you can't blame yourself if your child doesn't come out - in most cases it is the fault of society. We hear so many cases of violence towards our community so it's kind of like, even when we thought we were on our way to becoming more accepted, society still proves us wrong sometimes.

What matters is that you two are accepting of your children. Not all of us are so lucky to have awesome parents like you!

 

Regardless of how your child felt when in the closet, the important thing is how you behave now that he's out. You sound like a wonderfull parent and I know you'll be supportive -- which is the most anyone can hope for from their parents when they come out. I hope my Dad reacts like you when (if) I come out to him. And by the way, the guilt and fear he's talking about is completely normal. No matter what environment you grow up it, coming out is a terrifying thing. Don't blame yourself. The fact that you've come here shows how much you care about him.

 

You're not a terrible parent! Just the fact that you've joined this site should be enough proof of that! It's true, though: a lot of people are *terrified* at Trump's win, and I imagine being smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt doesn't make things any easier. Anyway, even those in the most liberal and accepting of environments goes through the struggle, since it means being an outsider, not having the "ideal" future, and putting one's self in harms way.

 

You are doing a fantastic job. Every gay kid is afraid that their parents will reject them for their sexuality; its normal. The fact that you feel guilt over this says more about how much you love your child than you know. I think you should most definitely express this to your son, and reinforce how much you do love him because kids can never hear it enough. The only thing you should do is be there for him now. Talk to him comfortably about it. Show him how normal it is with you, and that will make him feel much more comfortable with the issue and talking about it with you. You are doing a great job remember that.

 

eh, as a kid who became distant to the point of ultimately disappearing one day... It's not always a direct parenting problem. Mine were maximum supportive and I know my mom asked at a couple points in my life if I would have been happier being their daughter. I could never answer honestly because while I know what her response would be, I also know that if she leaked it me and my family would all be dead. They both knew i was getting death threats, they saw the bullet holes in my car and dealt with the vandalism to our home. The problem is they were unwilling to leave the town, and as a result I cut off most contact with them by 16, totally disappeared halfway across the country at 19, and basically got adult age adopted by my fiancee's family. I didn't get to know either parent very deeply until they were on their deathbeds, and both of them completely regretted not uprooting me or following me. They kept their local friend-base and ownership of a house at the cost of losing their child.

 

From one dad of a gay child, to another dad of a gay child, across the ocean; well done mate, you're a top bloke.

We see the past more clearly than the future, but the future has you and him standing together, side by side, and that's great.

 

:icon_bigg

 

My parents are completely supportive and I'm still not out at the age of 24. Probably won't come out anytime soon either. And the thing is, I know my parents wouldn't care, but I feel so embarrassed by it. I don't want to be gay. That's my problem though. It's not my parents fault that I'm not out, and it's not your fault that it took your son a while to come out. You sound like a wonderful parent. Your son is lucky to have you.

 

That's so wonderful!!!!(!)

---------- Post added 28th Nov 2016 at 06:35 PM ----------

 

I just wanted to say, as a closeted guy only a year or two younger than your son, I love this. Thank you so much for being so loving and supportive of your son - the world needs more people like you!

 

can you be my parent?

But no... I'm happy to hear you've got your son back!

 

When you feel totally out of place the desire to, at the very least, be perceived as normal is strong.

 

I couldn't agree with that statement more. So like everyone else has said, you're an awesome parent. As a 26 year old who's still in the closet for the most part, I can vouch that it's tough. And telling your parents is really hard. You can't blame yourself for him being in the closet. For me it took a year or two to accept it myself. The first step is admitting it to yourself and being comfortable with yourself if that makes any sense. After that it's kinda agonizing over 'ok I gotta tell other people now, who do I tell?' So basically all I'm trying to say is you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you did everything right. Keep up the good work!