Feeling so helpless and scared--what to do now?

I deeply wish I could help, I'm not a parent, but I was where she is now, I had a secret girlfriend at 14 and my parents found out a year and a half later, but before I had my girlfriend, when I was discovering my sexuality, I had intense self loathing, I'd self harm as well. I don't know her personal inner thoughts and feelings, but I can understand some things. I didn't grow up in a severely anti gay family, I even had some friends who claimed to be bisexual and lesbian, I had no problem with them, but something, I have no idea what gave me such an intense self hatred to the point I couldn't look in the mirror. I think we can agree that her girlfriend and her did not have a healthy relationship, I completely understand why you and the other mother cut it off. I think you're being a very caring parent, but have you taken the time to listen? She keeps saying she's not gay, now she *could* just be insecure and not fully accepted it yet, I take that's the way you and her father feel, but maybe she's not. She could be bisexual, pansexual, or just curious. At 14, that was when I started feeling fairly confident that I was a lesbian, or at the very least a bisexual who had a strong preference for women. I think if seeing the therapist is helping her, that's good. I know you hurt seeing your daughter hurt, but sometimes things aren't such an easy fix. Sometimes things have to work themselves out. She knows you love her, always assure her of that, but growing to love herself is a hard thing she's ultimately going to have to work out on her own. Just assure her that you love her and are there if she wants to talk.

 

Dear Cleosmom,

First of all - you are an awesome mum. You are saying and doing everything right. My parents were not and are not supportive of me and everything you typed had me in tears for it was the things I NEEDED to hear at your daughter's age.

I was the same as her too at that age. Angry, self-loathing, self-harming, terrified. Nothing positive or encouraging anyone did or said sunk in. At first. That came from society. The "normal" i expected myself to HAVE to be. I did not realise "normal" is an opinion. I did not take in anything but the negatives. The way people behaved at school. Being straight, finding a boy, kissing a boy, having sex with a boy, doing what every other girl in the World was doing. All of it made me physically sick and scared. Of the World. Of myself. Self-loathing is consuming.

BUT, it got better. Much better. It got awesome. SO awesome. The self-loathing reduced. Then stopped. The self-harming did too. With time. Nothing but time. Time to let the positives sink in. That will happen with your daughter too.

She needs time. Keep doing everything you are doing and saying. It will work. It is working. She will hear it in the back of mind. The anger will subside. She will grieve, she will hear you more, she will be SO GRATEFUL for your support. She will find her strength and one day she will laugh at her 14 year-old self's first girlfriend.

She will figure out what she is. She will find lots of awesome people the same as her, and lots of awesome people who love her for it no matter what. Then, all of this will be just a small memory.

I'm sorry if any of the above is upsetting to you. That's not my intention. That's just my experience.

KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

We are hear for you. Please keep talking and let us know how she gets on.

Big hugs

 

You're doing the right thing. I went through a period of self loathing while I was questioning my sexuality as well. I didn't self harm or anything, just kinda had those feelings of 'what's wrong with me/why can't I be normal' kind of thoughts. Eventually those thoughts kinda petered out. I mean I still have them occasionally even now but then I think 'well there's nothing I can do to change it'. Of course I was never a 14 year old girl, nor do I have any children, so I can't speak from experience, but eventually she'll understand and come to accept the truth. Whatever it may be. Just keep supporting and loving her. That's the best you can do. Once again, you're doing the right thing, eventually she'll come around. Just think though, how many teenage girls out there do everything their parents say and think they're perfect? Just keep supporting her.

 

Self acceptance is the hardest part. Just becoming ok with myself in the last few months. I felt like a worthless joke and didn't speak to hardly anyone in HS.

Love is important but their have to be limits also re the self harm or harm to others.

Has she seem a doc, counseling/ meds? The social pressures to "be" a certain way can be overwhelming for a kid who thinks but truly doesn't understand the world and that it is ok to be yourself.

Take Care
Dean

 

Sending hugs out to you.... you sound exasperated. I've been there, but for different reasons with my trans son.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Having no experience with this, I'd be starting with my child's pediatrician and taking referrals for therapists. This child seems to be very aware that you love her no matter what.... but what she doesn't know is that she has to love herself before she can love anyone else.

I agree with what you have done. This child is too young to be cutting herself off from the world for the sake of a long distance relationship. Even if she were older and doing this, I'd be concerned.

I'll be praying for both of you.

God be with you!

 

I'm only 17 years old so obviously my opinion probably isn't to great.

It sounds like before her "wife" entered her life she was a good kid. Than her "wife" came along and ruined her. She temporarily lost contact and started getting better. She got it back and went back to being sad.

Have you considered just downright taking away her phone/computer/etc? I mean she's 14 years old I don't really see why she "needs" those things... I personally didn't get a phone or access to the internet until I was 16.
If you hesitate to take her phone away because you want her to have it in case of emergency's, have you considered taking it away and replacing it with 1 that can't text and or even has limits on who it's allowed to call?
I know taking away her devices/replacing them with limited ones would probably upset her quite a bit.
But this sounds kinda serious?... I mean grades are important. Getting up and doing things is important, if she's withdrawing that's really bad. If she's acting snotty and hissy that's a real problem, you wouldn't want her to grow up as a snotty hissy lazy anti-social person who's addicted to talking to some stranger. I personally think you just gotta play the parent card and simply tell her the way she's using her devices isn't responsible and you feel she shouldn't have them until she's older more responsible (And hopefully more accepting of herself). I understand if you did that she'd be pissed. But she can't stay mad forever.
Just my opinion though and I wish you the absolute best of luck. You sound like a good mom.

 

Cleo's Mom,

You are doing the right thing. Please don't forget that. Loving your child, telling her its okay, your taking the right steps.

I think this is going to be that hard part of she needing to eventually 'split' from this girl. Not because they're both women but because it's becoming a toxic relationship. Judging by what you told us, not eating and sleeping due to this is not healthy by any means. A healthy relationship wants you to do functioning things-not send messages until 3am.

Keep the support there for her. She's just learning about this whole new 'relationship' I suppose. I remember doing some 'not age appropriate' things on my computer.

I think taking the phone away and keeping in touch with that mother will be your best bet. Both of you working on each side is going to help because she can give you a heads up if shes talking to Cleo and if you find out shes doing the same, give the mom a heads up. It's not like becoming best friends but in the best interests of your daughters, you should attempt this.

I know this sounds a little off the wall, and even crazy but there are groups where you send teenagers with a missionary group (Not Christian or religious) and they help build schools, wells, etc and learn about third world communities. Its a great travel experience, you learn a lot about yourself, you write, and there is no outside communication (like cell phone reception). Me to We-just take a peak at it. I did it and I will assure you I was well taken care of and even though I had no cell phone or computer, I was too busy to even look at the damn things.

^It's a crazy idea but maybe you need something different to pop into your head. No worries if you don't take it.

Just hang in there and keep loving your daughter. You're doing the right thing.

 

You didn't say much about the other girl. How is she? Is she a good person? Where do you think is the problem? Have you talked to her therapist on how to get out of the situation?


I was thinking, if both girls are sane and not abusive or manipulative towards each other (and that is for you to decide) why not allow them to actually meet under your supervision? Maybe letting them spend some time together could give both sides a new point of view. After all, it's extremely difficult to lock them both up and so far it hasn't worked very well. This is just a stupid idea of mine and it could also be obviously wrong, so take it with a spoonful of salt.

 

I wish my parents were as accepting as you are... Just try your best. That's all we as kids can ask.

 

Something weird I want to add just to help you understand what it sounds like she's kinda going through.
When I was either 14 or 15 Idk which but really close to her in age I still hadn't "accepted" the fact I'm gay.
I had a friend I'll call K. 1 night he came over for a sleep over. We were watching some game show and he'd causally point out which contestants he thought were hot. He said a lot about a few girls I just kinda sat there. After awhile I guess I had some sorta weird moment and said 1 of the guys looked kinda cute. LOL K immediately asked me if I'm gay, he told me he's TOTALLY accepting of homosexuals and just wanted to know.
So there I was, literally calling guys cute, I've had crushed on a few guys before yet I still somehow hadn't told myself I'm gay. When he said that my immediate response was "No, What the heck!?". He apologized and said sorry. Awhile later that night I kinda like, leaned up against him. LOL Looking back on it I was totally crushing on him but I didn't even realize I'm gay yet. He put his arm around me and I leaned even more in with my head against his chest when he said "I'm okay with you being gay you know" I than spaced back away and started yelling at him I'm not gay again.


The reason I told you that long story LOL Is because to me it sounds like she's going through this same stage I went through, Where I'm literally crushing on guys, calling them cute and trying to cuddle up with one. LOL Yet I still didn't "know" I was gay because I simply wouldn't admit it to myself. And all K telling me he thought I was gay did was really piss me off. I think that's kinda where she's at, she's liking girls, she's even trying to get close to 1. But she hasn't admitted it to herself yet and anyone who tries to tell her it simply angers her.
K stopped mentioning it and I later on at my own pace realized I was gay by myself when I was ready. I think you should give her some space on the hole sexuality thing, offering support groups for it and telling her it's okay is GREAT. But until she admits it herself I think it's best you don't try to "out her" to herself. It is very well possible to be crushing on people of the same gender and still totally believe you're straight. I did for a long while. I hope this somehow helped you understand where she might be at.. If not I'm sorry for the long useless comment

 

Hey I'm not a parent so I can't imagine what you are going through but as the other people have said and what you are now seeing is that if someone isn't ready to come out then you can't force them even if your intentions are good. I didn't come out until I was in my mid twenties even though my parents were accepting so you just never know when the right time will be. Don't worry I'm not saying your daughter will be like this until she is in her twenties.
I think it is perfectly normal to be sad, you have to grieve for the daughter you thought you had. That doesn't mean she can't be as good or bring you the same amount of joy as it's just different. I'm sure in the future you will be able to celebrate the daughter you have.

You are doing a great job.

 

Hi Cleosmom

Good to see you again.

Just wanted to share a few thoughts after reading your newest post.

I dont think you are homophobic. I think you are thinking about all possible bad things that may happen to your daughter, which for any caring person and especially parent will of course happen. Let it happen. Think it out and have a read about my life as a lesbian:

I have been with my lady for nearly 7 years, she has now been my wife for just over 1 year. We both work full time in jobs we love, have a great 3-bed house with a biggg garden, a car each, friends gay, straight and everything in between. We go 2 holidays a year, we have three cats and a pup. Our wedding was in a Scottish Castle, our bridesmaids wore rainbow colour dresses (one colour each) our best men wore rainbow coloured bow ties. Our ceremony, photos, meal, first dance, cake cutting, partying, honeymoon, happy-teary guests being happy for us was all AMAZING, beyond a dream. It is definitely an AWESOME life!!! I wake up every day happy and roll over to see my wife happy too.

Kids-wise, I've never been interested in having kids and neither has my wife, but that's just us. I have 3 gay friend couples who do have kids. Awesome happy kids who know they are loved. And who know love in all its kinds. For me, I concentrate on being the best aunty. I have 3 neices and 1 nephew. I see them most days. I talk to them every day. We SPOIL them because we can. They are my kids, my family and that's plenty for me.

Do people judge me? As a kid - hell yes. That was hard times. As an adult? Honestly? Once in a blue moon. Or maybe i just dont notice. Make fun of me? Again, as a kid - yes, as an adult? See above. Hurt me? Physically - never. It's only ever been words. I quickly learned not to make my life a popularity contest. If people have a problem with MY life, that is all it is - THEIR problem. Even straight people are judged and made fun of. We all have to learn that those people are not worth making space for. One other thing I learned - people who are happy in their own lives NEVER judge and NEVER make fun. Only unhappy people do. So if and when someone is mean in anyway, it doesn't make me angry or upset anymore, they are doing it because they are not happy in themselves. As an adult, lgbt bullying is not as bad as u would think, IF you have the right attitude about the bullies. I actually laugh so hard when anyone says anything nowadays!!! I find it hilarious that they think i actually care what they think, when i KNOW what my wife and real friends and real good people think.

The one and only thing that tingles in my mind, sometimes small, sometimes massive, is that my family is not supportive. Luckily, my inlaws are very. So I would say the most important thing is that you keep doing what you are doing. You already know - love. Non stop love. Treat her the SAME as if the crush had been with a boy.

It will get better, much much better. Much much much much!

Lots of hugs
Lynz

 

I'm not a parent, but when my mom found out I was a gay, she cried. She cried to my dad. When my exes mom and my mom met for lunch, they cried together. They cried because they felt we'd never have their version of happiness or fulfillment. We'd never know what it was like to marry a man, have sex with a man, or have children. Its not something I understand, but I don't think it's what I'd call *rare* I feel like what my mother, my exes mother, and maybe you fear is that we'll be missing out on love, but that's not so. You all found love with men, that's great. You're life is complete, that's wonderful. Not everyone finds happiness and fulfillment in the same things. If she is gay, she'll one day find a woman that she views like a straight woman views her husband. She'll feel complete. It shouldn't be weird when you say a mans hot, and if she's thinking "no he's not" well, she could have thought that before too! Haha straight doesn't mean the same type. My dad really kept my mom grounded when she found out..he always held on to "she's the exact same kid that she was yesterday"...remember that, she's not a stranger.