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New here & parent of a 12 yr old girl...

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Lifuss, Dec 29, 2016.

  1. Lifuss

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    who is dating a transgender boy. Of course I use the term "dating" very loosely here because their dates always consist of having either myself or the boy's parent there. I suppose what I'd like to talk about is the fact that my daughter came out to me 2 years ago when she had her first real emotional relationship online with another girl and although she has been attracted to males - most notably you-tubers - she identifies as gay. Now, however, she is very much head over heels for this boy who has just recently transitioned, so I treat this relationship as a cis relationship, but not so sure that she does. Or... if she does, does that still mean she identifies as gay? Help! I'm very open minded and have raised her to be as well but maybe I need more clarification? Thanks!
     
  2. Dachs

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    Welcome! It's great that you're here.

    Honestly, only she and her boyfriend can answer what her sexuality is and how they define their relationship. She could have previously identified as gay and now identify as bisexual. She could still identify as gay and just have an exception. She could be bisexual but usually be attracted to girls more so "gay" might be a more convenient label. She could still identify as gay if her boyfriend is okay with being thought of as a girl or grouped with girls in some circumstances.

    Just accept her and her boyfriend and their relationship and take things as they come. Treat them with respect; don't assume they prefer one label or the other unless they tell you; understand that they are very young and still figuring out what fits them best, but that does not mean they are confused about their feelings. Treat their relationship as a cis relationship, and trust that she and her boyfriend will work things out between themselves as to how her sexuality matches up with that.

    If you want, you can ask her what her sexuality is, but I would tread carefully if you do that; you don't want to imply she was just going through a phase in the past.
     
  3. Lifuss

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    Hi Dachs and thank you for your response!

    He has just recently transitioned.. like within the last year and 1/2 and completely identifies as male and I respect that. I also realize that I'm dealing with very young people here and although that doesn't seem to matter much for people who identify sexually at an early age, as a parent (and speaking for the boy's parent as well) age IS a factor at the age of 12.

    I think I'm more confused with her stance here. My daughter has come out to me as gay and I embrace that, in fact... I embrace all types of gender/sexuality and she knows that, but this transgender "boyfriend" is now her obsession. I just wonder how much of an obsession he would be if he were to fully present as male? Do you think she is too young to see that aspect?
     
  4. tgboymom

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    Hi and Welcome! :smilewave

    I'm the parent of a transgender boy (and I use the term "boy" loosely because he's 30).. lol

    Before my child transitioned, he pretty much confused the hell out of me with the sexuality thing. He presented as a female but secretly wanted to transition. He lives with the same guy he's been living with for 9 years but has previously identified as "pansexual". Ya.. this was a new term for me.. I had to look it up.

    At 12, he didn't know that transitioning is what he wanted because he hadn't even heard of it. He had no idea that he was attracted to people for the people that they are, not for the gender they represented.

    Could it be that your daughter might be experiencing some of this? Could it be that a trans male is what she is finding she is attracted to at this point? Could that change? I think so... or maybe it won't. How old is the boy? By "transition", are you talking about medical transition which would bring notable changes? Is he on T? Has his voice deepened.. is he old enough to have notable body and facial hair? Is he on hormones to prevent female breast development? I think all of this counts.

    I watched my child go through it and it took quite some time finally ending this past September with a double mastectomy. It appears that this final step is taking a toll on his current relationship with the same guy he's been with for years. It also seems to me that he is more and more attracted to females at this point.

    You could be in a "wait and see" mode here. My kid is 30 and things are still changing in that arena. Take queues from your daughter going forward... that's all you can do.

    I want to commend you for being so understanding and loving. I wish all children had moms who cared more for their children than for what people might think. It saddens me terribly to have heard horror stories of children who are put out by their parents and left to make their way through this dangerous world on their own.

    Be Blessed!!!
    (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 29th Dec 2016 at 08:34 AM ----------

    BTW, c'mon over to the PARENTS forum and bounce this around. These people are good people, caring, loving and very informative. They helped us more than I can say!
     
  5. Lifuss

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    tgboymom - thanks for your reply and for the move into this forum.

    To answer a few of your questions, he is the same age as my daughter, and as far as I know, he is not on hormone therapy or has had any physical alterations, but consider his age. Basically, he has just started his transition journey.

    I want to make sure people who read this understand my motive for posting... I 100% support my daughter in her choices for a partner, no matter who that may be. I am more confused at her identifying herself as "gay" or "lesbian" when she is attracted to a transgender who identifies as male and am unsure how to approach the topic with her without her getting defensive.

    And, thank you for your kind words about my stance on her sexuality. I, too, wish that more parents were open minded and accepting of their children and their lifestyle.
     
  6. tgboymom

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    Ok, so basically, his physicality is one of a 12 year old girl.. and your daughter is attracted to him. Once he starts medically transitioning though, she might lose her attraction to him. It doesn't take long for testosterone to kick in once he begins.

    I don't know if I would approach it. I mean... it is what it is and when you think about it ... it makes sense. Physically, she's attracted to another 12 year old girl. I would continue to support her choices but to be prepared to discuss it if the boy starts to medically transition and your daughter loses interest. THAT, at her age, could be confusing.

    I remember 12. I changed crushes every 2 weeks. Why not see what happens? In a month, there could be a new crush? Maybe?

    (*hug*)
     
  7. Lynz

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    Hi Lifuss,

    Big welcome to EC, and big hugs for you and your daughter.

    First of all - you are an awesome mum. Remind yourself of that every day. For supporting your daughter through this and for coming here to learn for her and for you too.

    Secondly, I just wanted to throw in my take on sexuality so that you can better understand your daughter:

    An individual's sexuality falls on a spectrum. If you think of the light spectrum as an example. From white through every colour of the rainbow, red, yellow, pink, green, orange, purple, blue, to black. And everything in between. I see white as the straight / heterosexual end of the spectrum and black as the 100% attracted to the same sex / homosexual end of the spectrum. The colours in between are bisexual, pansexual and everything else.

    For me, at 12 I knew but had not yet identified that i was attracted to girls. Throughout my teens I went up and down on the spectrum, depending on family, celebrities, friends, opinions, experiences, etc etc. I went from definitely completely gay to "oh everyone is obsessed with Take That - I fancy Mark now", to "oh Rachel in Friends look nice, but so does Joey.... no definitely prefer Rachel", then back to completely 100% gay, except for Johnny Depp and Antonio Banderas. I guess I was around the pink with yellow polka dots and multi-coloured glittered balls part of the spectrum. Then in my 20s, as I found people I really wanted a long term relationship with, and then my wife coming bounding into my life, I realised 100% that I am gay. Saying that, if Johnny Depp appears on the tv, I'm still interested.

    Anyhoo.... my point - this spectrum will chop and change for a lot of teens (and adults). The most important thing for you to understand is that all of the spectrum is normal and beautiful. All of it is love. All of it will settle down and your daughter will find where she belongs and where she is happiest.

    Hope this helps :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: