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Me? I'm a parent.

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Dentalfloss, Dec 31, 2016.

  1. Dentalfloss

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    Hi. I'm new and the mom of a girl who I think is gay or bi. She hasn't told me but I did see some texts between her and a friend and they were talking about being in a relationship. I have so many questions that my head is spinning.
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hello Dentalfloss,

    Thank you for being a caring parent and coming to our community for information.

    One of the most important things at this point is that you not forcibly Out your daughter. That can be traumatizing and could adversely affect the relationship between the two of you. She will Come Out when she is ready. She may not even know for sure what her sexual orientation is at the moment. We each take the journey to understand and finally accept our sexuality on our own timeline and, as a parent, the only thing that you can do is to be supportive, but not intrusive.

    So, what are your questions?:slight_smile:
     
  3. Chiroptera

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    Hey Dentalfloss,

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    It is great that you are seeking information about this.

    Like Quantumreality said, take it easy and let your daughter come to you. The coming out process is different for everyone, and it is important to wait until she is comfortable enough to talk about it.

    What you can do if you think she isn't straight is to show that you are approachable and available in case she needs to talk. Take a look here for some tips: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauri...4806.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

    Feel free to ask any questions you might have. We are here to help. :thumbsup:
     
  4. Dentalfloss

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    I'm not sure if you even call them questions. In a way they are. And in a way they are just thoughts that are spinning in my head. My husband doesn't know what I know but I did ask him he would do if one of our kids was gay and he said he accept them because he wants a relationship with them so that's a huge weight off my shoulders.

    I worry about her future and her not being accepted and being bullied. I worry what the rest of our family will think and if they will accept her. And I'm more than willing to disown them if they won't accept her. She need our support and I will fight to my death for her. I'd rather lose contact with my relatives than hurt her. I have so many emotions in my head and I can't talk to anyone else about it. Actually that's not true. I have this forum and my best friend but i don't want to burden her too much.

    I'm not gonna lie I'm heartbroken over this. Not that I want to change her. But I dreamed she would Marry a good man and have kids etc....

    I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just me rambling and tying the thoughts in my head.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 05:40 AM ----------

    I also worry about how much it will hurt her if our family doesn't accept her. I don't want her in may pain. Man! If I'm dealing with this, imagine the emotions she's going through.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 05:46 AM ----------

    Soy for ok the typos I'm doing this from my phone.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 05:50 AM ----------

    Ugh. Let me try this again because it won't let me edit. Sorry for the typos. I'm doing this from my phone.
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    I'm extremely glad that you and your husband are so understanding!

    O.K. First, take a deep breath. The world isn't about to end for you or your daughter.

    Your concerns are completely understandable and completely normal. Please bear in mind when she finally Comes Out to you that you remember that this is about her, not you, although you can address your concerns for welfare and long-term well-being, of course.

    In addition to reading the article that Chiroptera posted a link to, my immediate suggestion is that you go to the Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) website:

    PLFAG

    Specifically, there is a pamphlet on the PFLAG website that you can download and read called "Our Children." It can help address many of your immediate concerns.

    Our Children

    Second, you can locate a local PFLAG chapter through the website. If you like, you can contact the chapter to ask questions, but PFLAG normally hosts support groups for parents of LGBTQ children.

    Continue to talk to us here, as well, if you like. We'll happily do our best to address your concerns.:slight_smile:
     
    #5 Quantumreality, Dec 31, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2016
  6. Dentalfloss

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    Thank you. I know I will be back. I feel so much better knowing I have people to come too and I feel better get this off my chest.
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    You're entirely welcome, Dentalfloss.

    In terms of worrying about whether or not the rest of the family is concerned, your daughter's main concern is most likely to be acceptance from you, your husband and her sbiling(s). You've already made it clear that you are going to support her no matter what and it sounds like your husband feels the same. So, regardless of the reaction from the rest of the family if/when she may decide to Come Out to them, she already will have (although she doesn't know if yet) the support of the most important people in her life.

    If you are concerned about other family members because you think that they might be homophobic and reject her, that is totally understandable. However, in most cases (although certainly not all), homophobia comes from ignorance and once a homophobic person discovers that a loved one is homosexual, those homophobic tendencies are often overwhelmed by their unconditional love for the loved one.

    I wish you all the best on this journey. We are here for you!:slight_smile:
     
    #7 Quantumreality, Dec 31, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2016
  8. Dentalfloss

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    I hope you are right. Also, is it wrong that I'm worried that people will judge me for her being gay? I know I need to see a counselor for this problem and it's mine and not hers but I have always been the type of person to worry about what others think and say about me. And I get really hurt if they talk bad about me.
     
  9. WarmEmbrace

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    Hello Dentalfloss. You are very brave. How I wish my parents would have been half as open minded as you are back in the day.

    If she finds out that you know, please make sure that she does not feel guilty about having these thoughts, or shame about how this could turn out. Don't try to underline how her being potentially gay, would puts pressure on you as her parents, or on your family, and think that guilt tripping her away from her explorations will have a beneficial result. It would just swipe the matter under the rug, and it will take a less healthy dimension later on.

    Having supportive parents means the world. As you said, in the end she may decide that she was just curious, but is important that she makes this decision, not you, and that she know you will love her just as much in any case.

    If you pressure her into sacrificing exploring this curiosity to appease you, then subconsciously she will martyr-ise this unsatisfied curiosity, and martyr- ised unexplored fantasies tend to get an unhealthy dimension over time and are quite likely to adversely affect her mind and life choices later on.

    Is important to realise that Having kids and meeting a good man are your own expectations of her, and you assume these things are the only path that will make her happy. Endangering these expectations is what is causing you pain, not her genuinely trying to find out who she wants to be. Love her, share with her all of your knowledge, pluses, minuses, admit to her that even you are wiser, there are also limits to your knowledge, in the end and let her decide what would make her happy.

    * hugs*(&&&)
     
  10. Dentalfloss

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    I kind of want to tell my mom what I think about my daughter but I don't know if it's a good idea or how she'd react. Should I wait it out and wait to tell anyone until my daughter comes out to me?

    If I know my parents would accept her I'd be relieved. I know my husbands mom would accept her because she has a gay step child and she's close to her.
     
  11. Quantumreality

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    No, you are not wrong to be concerned that others may judge her for being LGBTQ. It certainly happens. But American society is much more accepting of LGBTQ people than it was even 20 years ago. That's a good thing. However, the level of acceptance varies across the US and even within individual communities. You can probably do a little research to find out how accepting your local community is towards LGTBQ people.


    I strongly recommend that you read the Our Children pamphlet first. That will help you order your thoughts and concerns for now. If you want to see a therapist for yourself, that's fine, too. But you may just want to join a local PFLAG support group first - that way you can talk directly with other parents of LGBTQ children.

    Also, just FYI, Coming Out to parents is about the hardest thing that a child can do. In that moment they are revealing very personal and private information and feel totally vulnerable. Fear of rejection from loved ones is always there. Even if we are 99% certain that one or both parents will be supportive, the 1% chance of rejection and potential negative consequences to our lives is just so unthinkably terrifying that we sometimes can't even say the words "I'm gay." For that reason, a lot of us Come Out first to close friends and sometimes even siblings well before we summon up the courage to Come Out to our parents.

    Stay strong. This may seem like a crisis right now, but it's really a good thing. Plus, you still don't know for SURE what your daughter's sexual orientation is until/unless she Comes Out to you, so you should spend too much time worrying about what you can't control, rather simply prepare to be as supportive as possible if/when that day comes.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 09:53 AM ----------

    Uh, NO! Don't tell anyone else (other than like a professional therapist). First of all, your daughter's sexuality is her personal, private information. Only she can decide whom she wants to tell and when she wants to tell them. Please respect that. If she Comes Out to you and you think that your mother should know, you can ask your daughter if she is planning on telling your mother (she may not be). If your daughter gives YOU the o.k. to tell your mother for her, then that would be fine. If your daughter Comes Out to you alone and before your husband, then you should not reveal that information to him, although you can certainly encourage her (but not force her) to also Come Out to him. Your husband should do the same if your daughter Comes Out to him first. (Often, if we Come Out to one parent first, it tends to be the opposite-gender parent because we often feel that they will be more tolerant and likely to accept us.)

    Second, as I said before, you still don't KNOW what your daughter's sexual orientation is. And you won't until/unless she Comes Out to you. Why would you want to spread rumors or gossip about her? Plus, if word gets back to her that you are spreading such rumors around the family, she would likely (and rightly) be highly resentful/offended. That would, in effect, be a form of forcibly trying to Out her. That just isn't something you should do.
     
    #11 Quantumreality, Dec 31, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2016
  12. Dentalfloss

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    I'm not gonna lie. I used to be closed minded. But them I thought that I get to choose my partner and be in a happy relationship then why shouldn't everyone. They aren't hurting me with their choices. It would really suck to be lonely and not be with someone that makes you happy because it's unacceptable to others.

    I've also prepared a speech in my head about how we will love her no matter what and support her and how she's completely normal and it's normal to feel everything... blah blah blah. Etc etc..

    I wouldn't even give it a second thought if I knew everyone in the world would accept this. If it was never a second thought just like a man and a woman being together.
     
  13. Lynz

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    Hi Dentalfloss!

    Big welcome to EC!

    First of all, thank you for coming to the forum to learn. For you and for your daughter. We are always here for support.

    Secondly, I just wanted to try to help with some of your worries:

    I am a 34 year old lesbian, I have been with my girl for 6 years and married for just over 1 year. She is my WIFE now :slight_smile: :slight_smile: we have a gorgeous house, great jobs, friends, cars, holidays, pets. I wake every day happy and so does my wife.

    The only negative thing in my life is the fact that my parents do not want to know me. They disowned me, starting emotionally at 14 when I came out, then completely at 19.

    The reason I am telling you this? Because I want you to understand that IF your daughter is gay, she CAN and WILL have an awesome life. With marriage to a good lady, kids, everything. Everything that straight people have. What matters most is the support and full acceptance she has from you. Her parents. The rest will fall into place. Was I bullied? As a child - yes. Kids can be horrible and those were hard times. As an adult? Honestly? Once in a blue moon. What matters is the support I have behind me, then the bullying is virtually unnoticeable as an adult.

    So, with your worries about your family not being accepting, as long as you keep backing her up, she will learn to stick to the good, kind people and to not waste her time on the close-minded cruel people. She will understand that life is not a popularity contest. It does not matter if every single person on the planet does not accept you. What matters is those closest to you do. Parents. Friends. The rest are not worth it.

    We are here for you!
    Big hugs
    Lynz
     
  14. tgboymom

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    Hey Girl...

    I've gone through some of the same things you are experiencing or expect to experience regarding the dreams you had for your daughter, your fears of safety and acceptance as well as the emotional pain of losing family members because of their disapproval.

    Let me say straight out that I have lost family members over their disapproval of my trans son. It does hurt me that I was loyal to these people all of my life and they turned on us so quickly. As far as my child.. he got a tad angry but it truly helped him to know that his father and I were quick to cut those people loose and assured him that we were on HIS side.. always. :slight_smile:
     
  15. wolf of fire

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    If you are concerned about what your relatives would think maybe the best thing would be find out, maybe say in conversation that you wonder what it would be like to have a gay child and see want they say.
    Give her space and let her know she can talk to you if she needs to if she wants/needs to.
     
  16. Creativemind

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    Hi!

    This must be very new and confusing for you, but It's good that you are trying your best to stay open minded.

    The fact that you found this by reading texts means she isn't aware that you know. That makes it much riskier to tell anyone else about this since it can violate her trust, especially if the people you tell are not supportive. The best thing to do is to keep the information quiet until she feels ready to come out to you. If you need to get it off of your chest to others, then I would recommend asking a hypothetical "How would you feel if my kids were gay?" question rather than out her right now. It can give some insight on whether or not they are supportive.

    As for your lost dream of her marrying a man and having kids, that is completely okay and normal to feel. However, It's also important we don't put too many expectations on our children since they are not copies of us. Your daughter could have been heterosexual but decided she never wanted to get married and have kids at all! My sister is straight and childfree for example. So that doesn't guarantee that she would follow your dreams even if she were straight (Plus, she can still have kids, even biological kids thanks to sperm donation). That's not to say your feelings are wrong, just that children surprise us and follow their own paths no matter what, so It's good to be prepared for anything.

    I understand your concerns about discrimination. Being gay is a tough life. But having a straight daughter can be tough too! Not because heterosexuality is discriminated against, because it isn't. But because straight girls can get pregnant at young ages, have higher risks of STI's, and have higher risks of dealing with misogynistic/abusive men in relationships. There's no 100% good life for everyone. Everything has It's own set of problems, but we learn to deal with them.

    You're doing fine. If she comes out, keep us posted.
     
  17. Miri

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    I honestly wish I had a mom (and dad) like you. You seem so incredibly caring and devoted to your daughter's well-being and happiness. Let me just say we're all thankful that parents like you are out there, because too many (mine included) react with such awful hatred and rejection that it scars their children, deeply and irreversibly, for life.

    I'd say it's totally normal for you to feel anxious over this. There will be hardships your daughter faces as she grows into her sexuality - particularly if she comes to the conclusion that she is indeed bisexual or gay, not just curious - and even you won't be able to protect her from some of the challenges she'll have to confront. I know and completely sympathize with your desire to shield her from every pain - that's absolutely something any loving, devoted parent wants for their child - but you have to understand that this will be, at least in part, a path she must walk by herself. Certainly figuring out her own sexuality will be something only she can understand, if anyone, and the confusion of understanding one's own desires, coupled with the inevitable rejection she might face from peers or narrow-minded adults, pose battles of the mind and heart more than anything else. Of course, there are still ways you can help: answer her questions if she has any for you, and comfort her when she is upset, just the way you would with a child who is growing into his or her heterosexual feelings. It's important to remember that while these feelings will be new and confusing and by turns wonderful and painful for both you and her, she is still your daughter, as much as she would be if she were not questioning, and will have many of the same needs she would have if she weren't questioning her sexuality. It's absolutely right of you to be concerned for her, but you must remember that she will need her space while she explores these feelings, too; try not to become too overbearing, and if she asks you not to interfere in an emotionally painful situation, as long as she's not in serious danger, it's probably a good idea to think twice before you do intervene - because as a young queer girl, such situations will be especially delicate and may have especially damaging consequences for her if it isn't handled well.

    That said, you are definitely doing the right thing here - worrying about your daughter, especially her safety as she faces the threat of rejection by people important to her, as well as coming here for advice, is truly commendable parenting. I'd say the best advice for you is to keep calm and carry on - it's so gratifying to see how much you care for your daughter, and how maturely and sensibly you're handling this news. If she does experience rejection or cruelty at the hands of family members for her sexuality, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them that you stand by her, and you're willing to cut off contact if they continue their unacceptable behavior. It is so important to keep a nurturing, accepting relationship with someone, be they your daughter, your relative, or your friend, and if your family members won't do this, I would say it's more than fair to reject them in turn.

    As others have mentioned, you should probably let your daughter do all the coming out - I understand completely how important this is to you, but this is likely a very sensitive topic for her, and she'd probably feel very hurt at the idea that you'd tattle on her (I know I felt that way when my dad threatened to tell my friends I was gay, back when I had just come out to myself). That said, it isn't a bad idea to tell your daughter you know about all this - try to let her know gently how you found out; honesty is always the best policy, and she might be hurt that you "eavesdropped," but I think if you explain this to her calmly, and tell her you support her, she'll understand. It isn't easy struggling to figure out where you fit on the spectrum, and there will be lots of emotions involved here, but in the end we are all desperate to know people love us for who we are, no matter our orientation. Let her know that you love her as much as ever, that you're okay with her being whatever sexuality she finds for herself in the end, and that you want to explore this together with her, and I think you'll do just fine.

    All in all - A+++ parenting. Keep it up and keep us posted - don't hesitate to come here if you need any kind of advice or reassurance!

    Miri