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Concerns and findings

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Dentalfloss, Dec 31, 2016.

  1. Dentalfloss

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    So my first concern is that it seems that my daughter is spending a lot
    More time in her room than normal. Maybe she isn't and now that I found that text I am overthinking it but she used to sit out in the living room with us and now it seems I have to pull her out of her room more and she runs back to her room at the first opportunity. This all seems to became apparent in the last week or so. ( ever since I found the text and she doesn't know I found it) so I know she's not hiding because she knows I know.

    She's 12 by the way.

    Today I was putting clean laundry in her room and her phone was laying on her bed and she was in the bathroom. Anyway, she got a text and it was from the girl she's supposedly in a relationship with and it said "i love you too". This seems sudden to me. And scary. This hasn't been going on for very long with these girls. I don't know when all this started but the other girl is new to school and my daughter has only known her for 2 months. So I know this relationship has been going on less than 2 months. So what's up with this.
     
  2. Lynz

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    Hi Dentalfloss!

    Hugs for you.

    I'm not a parent, but just a question to ask yourself - how would you feel if the text had been from a boy?

    Sounds to me like it just a crush. Very exciting times for teens!
     
  3. Dentalfloss

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    Honesty, id feel less threatened. Simply because it wouldn't be combined with both the new news of her being gay and saying they love each other on top of that.
     
  4. Chip

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    For whatever reason, when two girls get together romantically, there's often a quicker connection and sense of commitment than with hetero couples or even with two gay guys.

    There's an old joke: What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A u-haul. What does a gay man bring to a second date? What second date?

    Obviously it's a stereotype and certainly isn't always true, but most stereotypes have their root in observable traits and this is one of them.

    To be honest, this is most likely the typical 12 year old crush, and no different than a twelve year old hetero "couple" saying similar things. But likely it's all the more disquieting for you because you're processing three things at once: 1) My child is growing up; 2) My child seems to be lesbian; 3) My child is interested in dating. All three of these are traumatic for parents alone; put them together and it creates a lot of anxiety.

    I'd say keep an eye, try to keep communications open, and show support... hopefully your daughter will make good choices and will be open to what you have to say.
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    Hey Dentalfloss,

    It's possible that she is just starting to express her teenage independence from her parents a little early by staying in her room more, but it is common for those of us who are LGBTQ to distance ourselves from our family while we try to understand and accept our sexuality. And once we do understand it, we often remain distant until we are comfortable Coming Out to our parents. It's a totally normal part of the process.

    In terms of your daughter's crush or potential girlfriend, didn't you experiment with relationships when you were growing up?
     
    #5 Quantumreality, Dec 31, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2016
  6. Dentalfloss

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    I only ever had relationships with men and I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 15. Just crushes on boys before then.
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    O.K.

    It sounds pretty harmless at this point, but I'd say go with Chip's advice:

     
  8. Dentalfloss

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    My daughter hasn't came out to me yet. I found out by seeing a text talking about their relationship.
     
  9. Chip

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    Ah, I actually did see that and missed it when I was writing my response.

    I think that in that case, you can gently hint around that you are supportive of LGBT people. Talk about any friends you may have... or mention something that comes up on TV or in the news. Use gender-neutral pronouns when talking about relationships with her. I don't think you should out her... but I think if you start to set these things in motion... you'll cultivate an environment where she feels safe to tell you.

    And you can, in the meantime, do everything you can to cultivate an environment of openness and trust and vulnerability where she feels safe sharing things with you without fear of judgment.
     
  10. Dentalfloss

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    I've already got the wheels in motion with all that advice. I have since I found out. I won't put here either. I'll let her do it on her own. Who knows. Maybe she doesn't ever want us to know. That's her choice. I gotta keep telling myself that time will tell and everything will be ok. Eventually. Even tho I don't believe it at times.

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2016 at 02:30 PM ----------

    I meant I won't out her either.
     
  11. beenthrdonetht

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    In a world of [fill in the blank with hate, terrorism, and other stuff I don't want to darken the New Year with], something like "I love you too" is something to be cherished. Two months sounds short to you, but we are talking kid-time, which is different. And remember, every relationship that lasted (and some others, of course) had a 2-month anniversary.

    I know it's annoying to hear (essentially) "mellow out" from other people, but I have to agree on this one. Think how happy the young ladies are making each other. It's too rare.
     
  12. tgboymom

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    First.. I'm going to use "daughter" because the age that I'm talking about, my child presented as female.

    Ok, My daughter's idea of a punishment at 12 was LOCKING HER OUT OF HER ROOM!! lol This isn't strange... this child's father described the same thing when he was that age. All of his fun stuff was in there! When my kid was 12... there was trying on different outfits, trying on makeup, painting the canvass on the walls, computer stuff, tons of art.. it was fun in there. I didn't do it because we lived in a small apartment.. my mother and 4 of us girls who were left at home yet. When sharing a small room with 3 other people, all I wanted to do was get outside!! lol

    The only way to drag my kid out was with a piece of filet mignon, a present, a DEMAND that she put on a suit and go jump in the pool, dragging the kid to the beach against her will, dragging to Busch Gardens or Jungle Gardens. It was always a fight because there was a lot of fun stuff in that private space! The easiest was getting the kid out to go see a favorite artist.... like Neil Young or David Bowie.

    I'm thinking that wanting to hole up in the room is pretty normal behavior. I used to have a rule about dinner at the table and a family night where we'd sit around the table and play a board game. It was like pulling teeth, but it was necessary. Now, my kid is a 30 year old male.. and guess what he does when he's not working. HOLE UP IN HIS ROOM! He doesn't live with us.... he and his partner live several states away in a very nice townhome where there is space and privacy, but lo and behold .. every time I call "whattaya doin'?" "Working on some art upstairs in the bedroom". Some things never change.

    Do you remember 12? How often did you fall in love? :wink:

    I would definitely keep an eye on it but I wouldn't stress so much. It'll be your undoing! If kids only knew what goes on in their parent's brains.... they might get off on that and want to mess with us some more! lol

    (*hug*)
     
  13. Creativemind

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    It seems harmless to me unless a sexual relationship was involved. Wouldn't be appropriate at 12. But a lot of 12 year olds have crushes and puppy love relationships too.