Hi from the UK! :smilewave I recently found out my son is gay and would just like to share our story. It didn't come as a shock, I've kind of suspected it since he was approx 3 yrs old, he just had a way about him that made me think he may be gay, he would flounce, he was quite effeminate. As the years have gone on he indicated how attracted he was to girls, how he liked a few female actresses, singers etc... became less effeminate, so I thought perhaps he isn't. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon something very innocent, but it confirmed to me that he is gay. I spent the day crying, I told his sisters who are much older than he is...in their 20s, and we all cried, not because we were ashamed or upset with the fact that he is gay, but that he must feel so alone and confused. It broke my heart to think he couldn't talk to me, because the one person he could go to about anything is me, and he knows that I am very open and wouldn't be bothered about him being gay. So I spoke to my husband who was at work at the time, his reaction was, it's probably just a phase....ermmm ok! He likes girls though....I said no, it just a way to hide he's gay. So I decided that we would take him out for dinner, not knowing whether I was doing the right thing or not, to one of his favourite places. I think the reason I decided to do that was due to fear of my sons reaction, I don't know...I thought maybe he would storm off to his bedroom and not want to talk about it, which would be his right of course, I just wanted it to be 3 of us without other family members. I still don't think it was the right way to do it. Anyway, we went out, and I explained what I had seen, he looked like he was going to be sick, his heart was racing, and he just said......OMG I never imagined it would be like this, and then he started laughing. He said, yes I am gay. That he's known for approx a year, all of his friends, and everyone within his year group at school know. So I asked him why hadn't he told us, he said, he really wanted to, and explained that it's easier to tell friends because if they don't like it he can get new friends, but if his family doesn't like it, he can't get a new family Obviously this was such a heartbreaking thing to hear. I think this was more aimed at my husband than at me because he later said, that girls/women take it better than males and I think he's right. We've both told him that we love him and we are here for him, his sister's have both spoken to him and said they are also there for him if he needs them. He has a younger brother who is 13 and he's just told him, he was shocked to hear it, and couldn't stop laughing I think from the shock...but he has spoken to him and they seem to be getting on better than ever. He said he is happier that we know...but he never wants to eat in that restaurant again! :eusa_doh: Perhaps I made a mistake doing it that way, but it is what it is, we can't change that now. Since all this, he is wanting to spend more time with me, not that he didn't spend time with me before, but he is a typical teenager, with phones, gadgets, friends...what teenager wants to spend their evenings with their parents? He is still the same person, but it's like something has changed, perhaps he was carrying this weight around on his shoulders and couldn't relax...I'm not sure, but everything is good, and thought I would share our story.
You sound very supportive! Maybe your husband is just in shock. Most gay people know they are gay early but still pretend they like the opposite sex (or think they like the opposite sex to fit in). It's a common thing for your husband to think It's a phase, but in reality, heterosexuality is usually the phase for most gay people. You might have a point about mothers taking it easier, at least in the mind of kids. I came out to my Mom when I was 14, but didn't tell my Dad until I was 20. Even though I'm female, it was still as hard. I know men fetishize lesbians through porn, but they still think women should end up with a man in the end, so they can still be just as hateful to gay daughters (contrary to popular belief) as sons. I was lucky this was not the case for me, but it was the case for a lot of lesbians and gay men I knew. I think as long as your husband gets time to register it though, it'll be fine.
Hey Mum7312, Thanks for sharing your story! It is great to hear that everything went well. Thanks for being such an amazing mom!
First, I want to say that it's awesome you are so supportive. We have many, many kids here who would absolutely love to have parents as caring and concerned as you are! You know, they say that mothers always know. We've seen here on EC that this isn't always the case... but there is a certain intuition that mothers seem to have that fathers seem to be late to the party with. So your intuition was spot-on. In general, we don't encourage parents 'outing' their kids, because it's usually best for the child to have his/her privacy respected, and to be able to tell you when s/he feels the time is right. And yet, in this case, it seems like your son took it totally in stride, and handled it well, and the outcome was pretty much better than anyone could have expected. Your husband is probably still a bit in shock -- there's the loss of perception of your son as straight that has to be processed, and that takes time -- but sounds like he's dealing with it well. I hope you'll stick around and contribute to the community. We have a lot of parents here and their input and perspective is much appreciated and often very helpful to the other community members. And you may find the info shared here to be useful to you as well. Also, feel free to encourage your son to join... though it sounds like he has good resources among his friends, EC is a great source of reliable and healthy information on most aspects of growing up gay.
You have good intuition. Not only that your son is gay, but your understanding of what has changed for him is correct. There is a huge weight off his shoulders and he can finally be "real" around you and not constantly hiding his true self. Congratulations to you and your family for helping your son to be true to himself. I wish you all well on your journey. Take care. ride:
Hi Chip and everyone else, thank you for the warm welcome! Chip, I definitely take your point re outing him. I was aware that it's not the 'done thing' and I know that it could have gone really bad for him, but I was desperate to talk to him...so it was partly selfish I suppose, but it really worried me so much thinking he felt alone, at the time I was unsure who knew, if he had any support etc, so that was the main driving force behind my decision. I had a good conversation with my husband yesterday and he seems absolutely fine with it, I think the difficulty for him deep down will be when our son brings a boy home, whether that's in a couple of months, or couple of years. I will certainly stick around, I think it's great to have a community such as this to support people, and I'm happy to contribute wherever I can.
Hi Mum7312, Welcome to our forums And on behalf of people like me who's parents are not supportive, thank you for being you - an awesome mum!
Hi Mum 7312 So glad everything has worked out for you. My 14 year old son came out to us last autumn and it's all going good... My advice, if you want any would be: 1. Listen anytime he wants to talk to you about being gay or other boys he likes (that's a privilege, even if it feels strange to you at first) 2. Trust him unless he gives you reason not to 3. Accept that he is a sexual being - just like you and I were at 14 - (I used the word 'sexual' in a way to mean he is pubescent not actively having sex) and that it might be a good idea to point him in the direction of good healthy sex advice targeted at gay boys - even if it is quite explicit. Believe me, there's a lot of stuff out there on the internet which he probably has already looked at, so if you can direct him to good information, better for him. It depends how open you are with him generally. I am very close to my son and we talk about anything so it wasn't difficult to talk to him about safe sex explicitly. My son knows that sex is illegal under 16 but at least I am now safe in the knowledge that he is up to date on it all - including anal sex (not that all gay men have anal sex....). Ditto about internet use: verifying who he is talking to online because being a gay boy, I'm afraid there are older men who target young boys online (they have already contacted my son: he knows to ignore them). And also, importantly, the message about sharing personal/intimate photos online which could be distributed. I had all sorts of worries for my son but it's all fine. I had, by the way, no idea my son was gay so you can't always tell, I can assure you! My only problem is that my son is finding it hard to meet other gay 14 year old boys...he just wants the usual romantic crushes etc. that you and I had at his age. And that's hard when you don't know who is gay or not as I don't think that many 14 year olds have come out yet. Best of luck to you and your family and do keep in touch. Minny xx
