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What would you as a parent do, proactively?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Calimom1, Jan 23, 2017.

  1. Calimom1

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    Hi! So, I have a young son and I have felt for a few years now that he may be gay. I would never impose my feelings unto him and will wait until he is ready to explore and voice it himself. But I am absolutely terrified of the bullying that he may experience in school. He acts very feminine and prefers to hang out with girls. What advice would you give a parent of things to do to try and protect or "bully-proof" your child? We have enrolled him in Martial Arts to work on his confidence and assertiveness but I am just so scared that he will be harassed and bullied at school as he gets older. I want to make it clear that we treat him like any other child. If and when he comes out, is completely his choice. I just want to hear from people who are gay- what would you have wanted your parents to do differently at a young age? We love and accept him for whoever he is, I just want to know if there are things I can do at a young age, so that he doesn't feel he is "weird" and so he develops resiliency. With so many stories in the news of kids hurting themselves, I just want to start at an early age to bully-proof him, if that's even possible. I know this may seem like a ridiculous post to some people, but he's my baby and it hurts my heart when I see him being ostracized by the other kids.
     
  2. Lynz

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    Hi Calimom!

    A very big welcome to you, to our forums!

    First of all, I just want to say THANK YOU to you, for supporting your son and for coming here to learn, for you and for your son. You are an awesome mum. Please remind yourself of that as much as you can.

    I am a 34 year old lesbian, fully out, married to my wife for just over a year, together for 6 years. My only negative in my life is that my parents disowned me for being gay.

    My advice for you:

    1. Support and love your son. No matter what. No matter what he goes through. He may find his time as a young LGBT difficult. He may grieve. He may go through difficult times and take it out on you, until he reaches acceptance. No matter what - support him. Remind him continuously of your love and your full backing. No matter what. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything and everything. This is my number one, because in my teens I did find things difficult and I truly believe that if I had had the above support, I would be much happier as an adult.

    2. When he brings home a boyfriend, treat him the same as you would have a girlfriend. Exactly the same. Welcome him. Show him love and full support.

    3. Teach your son about grief. When we go through difficult, confusing and upsetting times, we go through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. All of it is normal. All of it is healthy. All of it good. And that he WILL come through the other end stronger and happier.

    4. Teach him that bullying only comes from people who are unhappy in themselves. Noone who is happy in their life will bully him. Teach "sticks and stones". Words cannot and must not be taken literally. They mean nothing. Act fast with his school if it does happen. The law protects him. His school knows this. PUSH them to remember this.

    5. Teach that life is not a popularity contest - yes, he will come across people who are ignorant of the fact that we are BORN LGBT. That we do not choose to be. That we are not wrong or unnatural or evil. Make sure he knows to stick to the good, kind, open-minded people. There are LOTS of us.

    6. Teach the spectrum. Use the light spectrum as an example. White to black, and inbetween all the colours of the rainbow. Sexuality is a spectrum. One end is straight, one end is gay. In between we have bisexual and pansexual and everything inbetween. All of it is LOVE. All of it is good, beautiful and normal.

    Although the above will help, I need to re-iterate - the most important is that you support. No matter what. Because no matter what he experiences, with your support and love, he will pass through the difficult times and emerge HAPPY.

    Come back and chat anytime ok? We have lots of awesome, friendly and experienced people here, including parents :slight_smile:

    Have a read through other parents' posts :slight_smile:

    Lotsa hugs!
    Lynz
     
  3. Creativemind

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    I'm not a parent but I was a child of great parents.

    The first thing to know is that bullying cannot really be prevented. Even he hides being gay, he might still be picked on for something else. I was never out to my high school as a lesbian, but I got bullied for being on the autism spectrum. Other kids were bullied for the way they dressed, the food they ate, the fact they didn't do drugs or have sex at the time, even their first name. Kids are cruel and try to find any little difference in other kids so they can tear at them.

    The best thing to do is to try to avoid contact with the bullies. Some can be ignored and will lose interest, others will pick and pick no matter what. If it gets bad he can always go to a professional or you can complain to the school. My bullying got so bad that my parents had to get a lawyer involved, and now the school is required to make accommodations for people in my position.

    Support him no matter what. He shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of being gay just because he might get picked on for it, but he should also be aware to be careful who he trusts with that information.

    But then again, he might not be gay and just be a bit feminine. How old is he? My brother was kind of feminine as a little boy, but now at age 17 he is heterosexual and masculine acting.
     
  4. Calimom1

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    Thank you so much!!!! This is very helpful. I really appreciate it.
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    Hey Calimom1,

    Thanks for being such a thoughtful parent!

    I am so glad to hear that you don't intend to try to force your son to Out himself, if he is indeed gay. Forcing him to Out himself before he is ready could have devastating problems on your longterm relationship with him.

    We each journey to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality at our own pace. It is unlikely that he would Come Out to you before he fully accepts his sexuality. Also, parents are about the hardest people for us to Come Out to. Even if we expect our parents to be totally accepting and loving, it is still a terrifying experience to Come Out to them. In part that's because, even if we are 99.99% certain that our parents will be accepting, even the slimmest possibility that we will be rejected is completely daunting because it would be devastating to lose their trust, support, and unconditional love.

    If you are convinced that he is LGBTQ and wish to prepare for his Coming Out at some point, there are some things that you might consider doing. First. you can give him indicators that you will be accepting of his sexual orientation by simply making supportive comments towards LGBTQ issues whenever they come up in the news or conversations. He might even test your openness by mention 'a friend' who Came Out at school as gay or something along those lines in order to gauge your response to things like that.

    Second, if you really want to be proactive, you can check out the Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) website. Specifically, if you are interested, you can download and read their pamphlet Our Children.
    Also, you can find a local PFLAG Chapter that can help you answer specific questions about being the parent of an LGBTQ child and if/when he Comes Out to you, they usually sponsor support groups for parents of LGBTQ children.

    Just some thoughts.

    Best wishes!:slight_smile:
     
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  6. YeahpIdk

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    Hey Calimom:slight_smile:

    Like Creativemind said, kids will be mean about anything. I was teased growing up for any and everything: too fat, too skinny, ugly, a whore (lol far from it), weird, blah blah. Some kids will be bullies and there's no stopping them or who they decide to pick on. The number one thing is for you to always iove and support him. If he has a safe place at home and knows he's loved by adults around him that show him he's not any of the things people might say about him, he will be fine.

    I think one thing that may have been an oversight with my parent is that they didn't encourage me to get involved in school things/hobbies outside of school, and because I was an only child, I really liked quiet down time and doing my own thing. In some ways, this separated me from making a ton of friends and potentially being a little more popular/not bullied as much. In other ways, it made me have smaller groups of friends and let me just be myself. I really don't think there's a way to prevent bullying (but I can totally sympathize and think it's the sweetest, most biologically driven protective instinct that you're trying to utilize. So hugs for being a good mama), but even though people were mean to me sometimes, I was always told that they were the losers and nothing was wrong with me. Time revealed them being the losers to be extremely accurate!

    I do have some emotional scars from being criticized as a child, but the lot of them are from family members - which is why I say to just make sure that you raise him to know he's a wonderful person that can do anything. Teach him to be a good person and be good to others. That's a sure fire way to have him recognize what is incorrect treatment of someone (even himself), so he'll know who's just a plain a-hole. Bullies are always little a-holes in training who are taught it's okay to be that way by their family.

    Now, I didn't realize I was not straight until I was older. I always was kissing and doing other things with girls while believing I was "straight," so something amazingly lovely you should implement if you don't already, especially if you suspect he's gay (doesn't mean he is), is to stay away from using heteronormative speech. Don't talk about him marrying or dating girls someday. Say more broad statements that don't assume he's straight or gay. That's just helpful for the world at large, but will definitely let him know that it's okay and normal to like boys or girls or both. Other than that, you shouldn't treat him any differently. :slight_smile: He's just a kid figuring out life. Sexuality and gender aren't important parts of a person, and that would be the best thing to have him recognize even if he winds up being a straight cis jock dude bro.

    In short. Treat him to be good to himself and others and live a full life - not much more. Everything else will be easy after those things. Hopefully. :slight_smile:
     
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  7. beenthrdonetht

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    My advice as a guy is that Martial Arts is a very good idea. A little Brazilian Jujitsu (or whatever) goes a long long way. As for the rest, what they said above. You're a great mom!
     
  8. johndeere3020

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    Always be positive
    always support him
    teach him to stick up for himself
    teach him when to walk away

    Thank you for caring!
    Dean
     
  9. mnguy

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    Thank you for loving and supporting your son. My quick thought on what would have helped me as a kid, is if my parents had told me (when it was age appropriate) that some guys want to be with other guys and that's equally as good as wanting to be with a woman, which is more common, but not better. As for the bullying potential, it made me think of this amazing mom who has written several articles on Huffpost, Amelia. She has a gay son and writes about their experiences in such a loving way. Here's a link to her work, hopefully you like it and best wishes to you and your son!
    Amelia | The Huffington Post
     
  10. Calimom1

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    Thank you soooooo much everyone for the wonderful help and advice! It has been immensely helpful and positive. I will take it all to heart! ❤️❤️
     
  11. Calimom1

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    Hi everyone,
    It has been over 2 years since I wrote this. I wanted to post an “update” (if you wanna call it that). Well, my son is now 9 years old. He still plays only with girls, he still plays with dolls, loves watching mermaid shows and Barbie and has now even started giggling/having mannerisms in a more feminine way. He’s only 3 belts away from being a black belt (yay!). He’s a great student, good grades, kind soul, etc. We are blessed with an amazing 3rd grade teacher this year, and he is a gay man (married to his partner of many years). It has been a great way to spark some nonchalant discussion with my son (“no, that is not his “friend”, that is his husband”), etc. Luckily, he still (from what i know) has not faced bullying in school. He has a good social group of lovely girls who have accepted him and care for him deeply. My husband and I are still navigating how best to support him. He loves all things that are feminine and we have even wondered now if he may be transgender. We don’t know if to start reaching out to groups such as PFLAG or gender therapists for support/guidance, or if we just keep going like normal and just let him figure it out in his own time and in his own way. Our kids are kind-of “sheltered” (they still watch My Little Pony and think “dumb” is a cuss word lol) so i guess I worry more that he may not really “know” what is going on within himself, if he’s not really exposed to anything outside the traditional gender roles. I have told him that “some men love men, some women love women and that’s totally normal” but he kind of just looks at me like “uh huh...where’s my iPad?” Lol
     
  12. Calimom1

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    Sorry- I just want to add that there are reasons why we are wondering if he is transgender. It didn’t come out of nowhere. I bought him a princess Elsa dress when he was around 4 years old and he wore it nonstop for several months, he will sometimes put on my heels, he has pretended to have long hair with a scarf, etc. I don’t want people to think that I am wondering that for no reason. Thank you.
     
  13. johndeere3020

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    Hey Calimom1, I think, if he was my son I would just go with the flow a little longer and see what happens when he hits puberty. Just my thoughts. I wish my dad was as awesome as you!
    Dean
     
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  14. DecentOne

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    Calimom1, thanks for coming back to give an update. I’m so glad you are his parents, he is so lucky.

    Younger folks have a much more accepting attitude of gender and orientation differences compared to years ago. And I’m glad your school is supportive of having elementary teacher(s) who are male and gay - that is wonderful for all the kids in the school to see and realize is accepted.

    You mention a question about whether your child may be trans. There is lots on Empty Closets about kids who were ok up to puberty, and then when their bodies start changing it is upsetting (or some kind of wake-up call that the inner and outer person are not congruent). I notice that there are kids who are more genderqueer, non-binary, genderfluid — a much expanded range of possibilities from the old gay vs. straight (with no mention of bisexuality or trans), or male vs. female. It may turn out it is more than just “some women love women, some men love men” — it may be people are more than just male or female, both/and/other.

    Best wishes to you as you continue to navigate parenthood. From personal experience I know it is both scary and rewarding.
     
  15. Chip

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    Good input so far from everyone. One thought I will offer: Not all boys who like to dress up or war girls clothes are trans... many are just comfortable. Also, there are straight guys who hang with girls when they are younger. So while I agree that it's likely your kid is gay, don't assume that, nor get it set in your mind that he is gay, lest you unconsciously project that idea onto him. I have a friend whose mother always assumed he was gay, because he hung out with girls and seemed gentle and quiet. When he became an adult, he acknowledged openness to guys, but appreciated girls more. He has many gay friends as well as stright ones,and his family would be supportive either way. He got married a couple years ago to a lovely woman and they are super happy together. His mom was a little surprised and told him she wondered/assumed he was gay, but loves his wife dearly.

    So my point is, being absolutely open and supportive is awesome. The hardest part is not making assumptions and simply letting your kid figure it out for himself.
     
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  16. Devil Dave

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    I don't think there's any need to join support groups or seek counselling unless an incident does occur where he is a victim of homophobic or transphobic bullying. Those sorts of services are available if you need them, but it doesn't sound like you really need them at this point, as your son has a good teacher and friends and doesn't seem to have been exposed to any homophobic or transphobic behavior. Better to carry on as normal if things are fine, there's not much point in seeking a solution if a problem hasn't occured. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
     
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  17. Chiroptera

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    However, groups like PFLAG may be helpful for parents who have a lot of questions about their sons/daughters sexuality, or for parents who simply want to meet other parents in a similar situation. Empty Closets is also a good example of place where you can talk about LGBT+ topics even if there's nothing serious occuring.

    Sometimes, simply talking to other people and joining a group for the sake of that "belonging" feeling may be a helpful thing! :slight_smile:
     
  18. StefanSoul

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    Just an old dogs opinion, but the way I bully proofed my kids and younger brothers growing up when they had bullying issues aside from teaching them how to defend themselves was instilling confidence and attitude. Stand up to them firm, but be nice. They call you a name smile and be nice. As long as they do not touch you stay being nice until it is time to not be nice. Smile at them because bully's hate when they can not get a rise out of you. And you feel the right moment has arrived and they are standing there in front of the crowd trying to be bad give them the biggest grin you can and tell them something along the lines of this.

    "I get you got some self esteem issues going on over there (insert funny nickname) and some how in that dinosaur brain of yours you feel better when insulting me and I can tell your confused at my amusement. So by all means please allow me to articulate, I know big word for you, an explanation. Unlike yourself I actually intend to graduate and write myself a free ticket in college if at all possible which is why I do not waste my valuable brain power on you. You see it's my asset. I know another big word for you. Your learning a lot today. It's called education. Oh we are 3 for 3 there champ or is it chump? Silly me I sometimes forget. lol End result chief is I smile because one day I will have a 6 figure salary and well you won't even be allowed to manage at McDonald's your future employer. So say what you want, say what you will. I'll be sure to leave you a tip when I order the full meal deal. :wink: "

    Now I generally advise they walk off almost immediately as to not give them time to respond. Also strongly advised to make sure adults are near by for obvious reasons. Most cases thought once a bully is stood up to and faced down and made to look foolish they tend to back off. Now if they are the bully that likes to fight you have to talk on their level and say something a long the lines of this.

    "Look I know Hulk wanna smash, but do you REALLY wanna meet that special love of your life in prison Hulk? Think about it. I am just saying. lol :grin:"

    Now I am not saying my advice is the best by any means. lol I admit it's sort of old school, but usually is generally for the most part very effective. lol :wink:
     
  19. Calimom1

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    Thank you so much everyone. I just realized I got all of these responses. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, as this is the only place I feel comfortable talking about this. I reached out to a gender therapist but at $275 for a 45 minute session, I think it is best to wait. I hear all of you and will do as you say and respect my son's time and his ability to discover who he is at his own pace. We try to have a very open dialogue with our kids about anything, and I feel that this is no different. Yesterday, as my son sat twirling a scarf in his hair to make it look like he has long hair, I said to him "do you know what gender is?". He said "yes, being a girl or a boy". I said "did you know that gender is more of a line, with boys on one side and girls on the other and most people are somewhere in between?" And he immediately said in his very innocent voice "yay- I want to be a girl". I told him "okay...well maybe we should talk about that one day". And the conversation was over. I have to admit that my heart stopped a bit. But he will always have a supportive home and supportive parents who will love him no matter what his identity. I hope he discovers who he is sooner rather than later. I don't want to push anything upon him AT ALL, but I also feel that he may not have the information to make the decisions he needs. Thank you again everyone.
     
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  20. Chiroptera

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    Your heart is in the right place. Thanks for being such a great mom! The world needs more parents like you. :slight_smile:
     
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