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My 12 yr old "loves" 11 yr old girl

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Athena99, Feb 7, 2017.

  1. Athena99

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    Hi Everyone,

    I know others have already talked about their kids having same-sex crushes & I have read some of them. I don't have an issue if my daughter decides she is bi or gay (we have spoken about it & she goes back & forth. Wait, I won't lie... I wouldn't be thrilled if my daughter is gay, but I've raised her to respect all people, all orientations & I'm more concerned with her being happy & loved). My issue is that she's simply too young to date or have a girlfriend/boyfriend. She and the other girl have been sneaking online to chat even though the other girl's mother had suggested they take a "break" after we both felt their flirting & "shipping" was inappropriate for 11 & 12 yr olds. The girls used to go to the same school and I wasn't aware of any crush at the time. From what my daughter tells me, it started shortly before 5th grade ended last May. It seems in the months since my daughter has changed schools their feelings have suddenly become love! At 11 & 12? I think it's more of absence making the heart grow fonder, but who can know what a tween is feeling.

    The girl's mother and I have been in contact about trying to maintain their friendship but not about the same sex relationship except that we both agree they are too young to date anyone. Since I discovered they have been sneaking to talk & the talk has turned to "love" I'm more inclined to discipline my daughter by curtailing her internet/phone time. The girl also has a sleepover coming up, which my daughter already told the girl (via sneaky messages) I may not let her attend, at least not overnight (she's correct). How do I allow these 2 to stay friends if they cannot seem to keep it as just friends? How do I make sure my daughter understands it's not about orientation, but what is age appropriate & following rules?
     
  2. Zoe Izumi

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    Let the relationship run its course. Just tell them not to do anything inappropriate for their age(eg. More than holding hands, hugging, or cheek kisses)

    Beyond that there is nothing you can do without appearing to disapprove of her liking another girl.

    I felt love much younger than her, so it isn't unheard of or wrong to fall in love at any age.
     
    #2 Zoe Izumi, Feb 7, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2017
  3. Quantumreality

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    Hello Athena99,

    Welcome to EC!

    I believe that it's a parental decision as to when a child should be allowed to start dating. The parental standard should be no different whether the child is straight or LGBTQ. Have you explained your 'house' rules about dating to your daughter? It should be clear that those rules don't change regardless of her sexual orientation.

    In terms of sleepover, the issue is slightly more complicated if a child is LGBTQ. However, sleepovers are an important socializing function for many tweens. You will have to work with the other girl's mother to address any concerns, but there may be ways to allow this to happen. For example, if there are a group of other girls at the sleepover, it is unlikely that your daughter and her 'girlfriend' will be doing anything of serious concern. Stating rules about what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior at the sleepover (else violators will be sent home early) can be important. Also, having the kids sleep in an open area, like a living room and knowing that an adult will be checking on them regularly throughout the night can reduce parental concerns.

    It sounds like you and the other girl's mother have been communicating regularly and that you both have similar views that both girls are currently too young to date.

    Just some thoughts. I don't know if that helps.:slight_smile:
     
    #3 Quantumreality, Feb 7, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2017
  4. smurf

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    Your daughter has been honest with you and let you know what is going with her life, which is a great sign. It means she trusts you and knows you have her best interest in mind.

    One of the main things that you can do is perhaps explain to her why having a relationship at this age should not be okay. Walk her through it and maybe she will see your point. Its also a good idea to talk about when to know when she is able to date. Do you have a set year in your head?

    I will caution you when it comes to discipline her. Yes, you could totally ground her and make it impossible for her to see this one girl. That is totally up to you. That being said, you will also teach her that she is going to have to hide certain things from you in the future.

    I would personally suggest allowing the relationship to keep going. Most relationship at that age are short lived, nothing happens other than talking to each other, and that's that.

    I would also invite you to talk about relationships and sex as two different things. That way she knows that they are separate and that she doesn't have to have sex with people just because they are dating.

    Do you remember your first relationship with a guy? Try to go back to your teenage years. Times have really not changed that much :slight_smile:
     
  5. Athena99

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    Thanks for all of your feedback. It's has been helpful to talk to others about this (I don't want to talk to my family about it as I normally would with things because I don't want to "out" my daughter ... it's her story to tell). And I do remember having crushes at her age, but I surely wasn't declaring my love to anyone (or anyone to me) until I was 16/17, not 11/12! With it just being me & her (no other kids, no other parent), many of my "house rules" I make up as I go along but I try to convey to her that it's important that we communicate and I rely on her being honest with me. She is a VERY good kid & I don't catch her breaking rules often. She knows she isn't allowed to be anyone's girlfriend for several years & even holding hands is out of the question. When I let her know I saw that she had been chatting with her friend, I told her that she needed to respect her friend's mother when she told the girl's to take a break. My daughter was quick to accept punishment, but I just told her to stop until her friend's mom said it was okay again.

    (Re sleepovers.... I wouldn't allow my daughter to spend the night in a house where a boy liked her or she liked him; I don't see changing that rule because it's a girl instead. She does go to sleepovers, but I've always been very wary of her spending the night at anyone's house...my parents were the same way).

    My daughter got very tearful. She always does when she gets caught doing something wrong & usually comes up with her own punishment, but I think it was more. I think this is all very confusing for her & she's not sure how to handle it. It breaks my heart; as her mom I want to have answers for her but this is foreign territory to me. I told her that while she's too young to date, I was glad that she cares about someone & that someone cares back, but she has so much to do in finding out who she is, what she likes, what kind of person she wants to be, how to handle new hormones & mood swings, etc. I told her to not be in such a rush to label herself as gay, bi or whatever... there'll be plenty of time for that. Now is the time for her to work on growing up, without trying to BE grown too quickly. That no matter what I love her & am here for her, but she needs to respect the rules. She hasn't even gone on the computer in days (self-punishment). I guess like all parents, I hope I'm helping her as much as I can & not traumatizing her somehow.
     
  6. AlexJames

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    I'm 25 but I'm not a mom to a tween, obviously, but this is my two cents. What grade is your daughter in? When i was in middle school was when i first started getting crushes. It was nothing inappropriate, totally innocent really. You can't make your daughter not have feelings for this girl and quite frankly there's nothing you can do to fix that. You shouldn't try to. What i would recommend, personally, is to let her date this girl. She's gonna face so much hate and bullying, she needs to feel like your on her side 100% and that she can go to you about stuff if she needs to. If you come down hard on her and ground her, forbid contact with this girl she likes, then she might feel alienated. She might feel like she has to keep secrets and hide things from you. Set all the normal age-appropriate boundaries that you feel are appropriate, of course, but let her explore her sexuality, safely, with your approval and guidance.
     
    #6 AlexJames, Feb 11, 2017
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  7. Renegades

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    I can assure you she probably isn't in love, from my own experiences. If she has never had a real crush on a boy, then she is probably just misunderstanding the feeling of a crush. Based off of my own life, I never knew what an actual crush felt like till 7th grade, when I was 12 or 13. Having such a strong liking for someone for the first time can be confusing for a tween, and manipulate their thoughts. She will just have to eventually grow up, and when she is really in love, you will probably be able to tell. Before one can know they are in love, they have to have a real concept of the differences between infatuation/lust and love. Unfortunately, there is not really a way to speed up the process. Your daughter will have to discover this herself.
     
  8. Creativemind

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    Puppy love is normal at that age, but a serious relationship is another matter. Wouldn't work out between tweens and can get risky.

    You can definitely discourage her from having a serious relationship, but she needs to be able to find a healthy way to explore feelings of romantic attraction (not in the way that she should be dating people, but in the way she should be able to have fantasies without being shamed. At 12 years old, I mostly explored through writing and reading).

    The best thing to do is to explain to her why you have to discourage the relationship, but say that it doesn't have anything to do with sexuality nor is she wrong to feel the feelings themselves.
     
  9. Athena99

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    I'll always be on her side, but 12 is too young to date in my house. I wouldn't let her date a boy at this age & I'm not changing the rules just because she likes a girl. We've talked about it & she seems to understand. thanks for your input, tho. Every bit helps!

    ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2017 at 10:41 PM ----------

    Thanks so much for your input! We have talked about it and she seems to understand, my objection has to do with age, not orientation. I think she's a little relieved... not quite ready to deal with these feelings yet. She let me know as soon as the friend was allowed to contact her again, knowing I check her messages. The girl started talking about her new friends (they go to different schools), then teased she wouldn't invite my daughter to her bday party. I don't know if this girl is a jerk or just has poor social skills (I think the latter; being raised by a nanny has its drawbacks). I know it made my daughter a little sad. Being a parent isn't easy, no matter who your child loves they'll get their heart broken at some point
     
  10. WMM

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    Hello

    My wife is bisexual, but mostly lesbian. She noted particularly that at the age of 12, in the seventh grade, she had a crush on her girlfriend who was 11, and in the 6th grade. My wife says she was, in fact, hoping to find the opportunity to sexually explore her friends body. She specifically remembers thinking way past cheek kisses.

    In my wife's case it was long ago and there was no opportunity, and religious teachings overcame her before she did anything. But she did feel it was pertinent to point out a very good young girl could possibly be thinking such thoughts.

    She wishes she had such support as you at that age. Good wishes. We are sure you will be well.
     
    #10 WMM, Mar 6, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2017
  11. PinkCat

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    If you really want to stop the relationship, then gently give your daughter reasons as to why you think this. Tell your daughter that you don't want them to date because they might not be friends anymore if they break up, and you don't want to see her sad. Tell her that you'll always love and support her. If you tell her "you're too young" she won't understand because the feelings she has are most likely very real to her. In my opinion, I do think they are too young, but I think they are nearing an appropriate dating age; some kids are more mature than others and ready for a relationship beforehand. But, I do think you should ultimately leave the decision to your daughter. Make sure to act more as a friend than an as authoritative figure in this situation because the latter may make her want to rebel, which could cause more rebellion down the road.

    Forbidding the relationship won't change her feelings about this girl. I think it would be better to let her be with this girl and have her be open about the relationship with you, rather than her doing it anyway behind your back. Place some restrictions, though: tell them to leave the doors always open to their bedrooms, check up on them once in a while, suggest that other mutual friends come over too, make sure you know where they are at all times when they go out, etc. Also, make sure both girls know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Good luck :slight_smile: