Losing a daughter?... Trying to process

Not a parent, but in fact, someone else's effeminate, awkward half-son...

I can't really imagine what this is like from your view point. But you have done so much for your child, you are truly handling this wonderfully! Your fear of medicalising your child's personality is a valid one, not because there are a ton of cases of trans people regretting treatments (there aren't), but because adolescence is one long period of extensive growth and soul-searching. You are probably afraid, on some level, that your child will change their mind, or that these treatments will have a negative effect on your child's confidence - confidence which has been a key factor of their personality!

Time will tell, but remember - your child telling you that they're trans was a huge, bold, and very brave thing for them to do.

I would know. I was a quirky, confident, gender-stereotype-busting child myself - and an awkward, self-loathing, miserable teenager. I didn't have the boldness to confide in my parents the way that your child has until only a month ago. My parents had to go through years of wondering where their child went because I couldn't find those two words, "I'm trans". And believe me, by accepting your child's confession and looking into treatment to help them, you've taken the first step in combating a drop in your child's confidence. You've shown you love them, no matter what, and that you're on their side. And that really means a lot!

I guess one of the real questions is, who's to say your child will be in any way weak or effeminate? Those qualities that you praise in your child now will still be there! And if your child does show any effeminate qualities, well, they're still fighting gender stereotypes! We live in a culture that subconsciously finds tomboyish traits more acceptable than "sissy" ones. But gender stereotypes aren't just bullshit on one end of the spectrum. A time is fast approaching where we as a culture need to ask ourselves, "Why can't he?" Why can't he take a cooking class? The world's top chef's are men, and the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach! Isn't a dinner more romantic if you're eating a home-cooked meal - and wouldn't a woman be surprised by her man's skills if he presented her with filet mignon at home, rather than at a restaurant! Why can't he learn to sew? He'll save a ton of money if he can repair his own clothes! We've done wonders to empower our young girls, raising new generations of independent-minded female go-getters. Maybe it's time to start affording our young boys the same justice? After all, many "girly" activities, like cooking and sewing, are really exercises in self-reliance and independence! Why should a guy need a woman to take care of him?

As far as how intense things are getting...

I can imagine your reluctance to this big, and seemingly irreversible change. At my age, the next step is hormone therapy - that is, the slow counterbalancing of my estrogens with artificially introduced testosterones. At your child's age, hormone blockers are still an option. This is totally reversible - if you put your child on hormone blockers, they will slow the effects of female puberty, without introducing any hallmarks of a male puberty. It's really a way to buy your child some time so that, when they decide that hormones are the right way to go, they have less to combat. And on the off chance that they feel they've jumped the gun? Once they come off the blockers, they can feminize.

But what about your child's emotional health? If it's any comfort, in my own coming out, I was met with little resistance. I was bullied quite a bit as a kid - for being quirky, too confident, too odd. But times are changing. I've found quite a bit of acceptance, from both male and female individuals. In the seven years I've been actively exploring my gender and interacting with others based around it, I've had very few negative encounters. I've learned when to talk about the trans thing, and when to keep quiet. Your child will learn to navigate their own experience of growing up, and you'll learn to help them along their path, one step at a time, one experience at a time.

I am not a parent, and I don't know what it's like to raise a child, and to have a set of expectations for that child that developed as I watched them grow. But I do know that every parent develops these expectations, and every child challenges them. In that respect, your experiences with your child's coming out are really not so strange. In fact, I think any parent of an adolescent to adult aged child will tell you precisely where their child turned out differently than expected! I'm not going to give you the "you're not losing a daughter...you're gaining a son!' rhetoric because I won't insult your intelligence like that. You know what is happening! What I will tell you is that you seem to have an intelligent, self-driven child, one to be proud of, and you seem to know it. I bet that won't change.

 

Lol they won't necessarily be effeminate. Plenty of transmen are rather hypermasculine actually. I think this is a strange reason for concern.

Worrying that this may be a phase or they will grow out of it and not wanting to do anything drastic, particularly medically, though, that is a very valid concern. Frankly, some kids will grow out of this and some will not and it's tricky because your child is at the perfect age to start transitioning while stalling female puberty so maybe they could get some decent height and bone growth and what not, but also many would say they're too young to know.

Good luck and try to keep an open mind but stay a little cautious as well.

 

I'm a bit late to this thread, but would like to tell you that the emotional reaction I had to reading your posts did shock me a little.
Your child sounds like me, except a lot more sure of what they want from life at an earlier age. I don't like to talk about the things I will write next, but I will write them here because they ring true to your situation.
When I was in primary school the teachers told my parents that my reading and writing age was that of a 17 year-old, and when I started secondary school my test scores (including IQ) were 'off-the-charts' and there was talk of accelerating me through school or alternatively providing additional 'challenging' work. I was emotionally immature in many ways, so accelerating through the years wasn't appealing, and then the school didn't follow through with the provision of additional work. That didn't make much of a difference, because I teach myself new things constantly, and prefer to teach myself anyway rather than have it be dictated. I play a stringed instrument and, like your child, went on tours with orchestras when I was 11/12 years-old with 17/18 year-olds, and came home best friends with them, because even though maybe I was emotionally behind everyone, I could definitely keep up with them intellectually, and thrived. I achieved very good results at school and went on to a top university. I am, objectively, a good-looking 'female', and I'm healthy and my life looked perfect from the outside.
However internally it was never easy, existing. I honestly thought that my discomfort with myself was due to my quirkiness and overactive mind. I hated myself. I hated myself so much, I can't begin to explain it. I knew I was a useless girl and a useless daughter. At 14/15 I started experiencing horrible depressions that went unnoticed, mainly because I kept functioning, and my parents thought I was just 'moody'. I stopped eating properly for a while - although thankfully not severely enough to develop an eating disorder - because I hated my body. I thought I hated it in the way typical girls hated their bodies, wanting to be thinner and prettier, but my issues lay with my breasts and hips. I knew no matter how much weight I lost it wouldn't make a difference. I knew that it was my body being female that was the issue - it was fundamentally wrong.
It took me a very long time to accept that I'm male. I'm 21 years old, and I am nowhere near beginning medical transition.
And this is because of my parents. This is why I wanted to tell you all this. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for listening to your child. Thank you for being a good enough human being for your child to feel comfortable telling you these things. Whatever happens, just always be there for your child, as I'm sure you will be. Nothing should come between you both. The parent-child relationship will always be there and strong and nothing should come between it.
My relationship with my parents is suffering so badly because I cannot tell them about this fundamental part of who I am, because I know they will not accept it. They will not let me be this way. This was not how I was supposed to be, from their side of things, so it will never be a thing that they acknowledge or accept. I'm not sure I will tell them, ever. Either I will have to swallow my feelings and remain suppressed until they are no longer a part of my life, or I will tell them and run the risk of them rejecting me and cutting me out of their life. So, thank you, thank you for being so open and accepting. Please just keep being incredible.
Do not panic. Do not worry. Life has a funny way of making everything alright in the end. Your incredible quirky child will still be quirky and incredible and vivid and intense and brilliant and fiery and explosively wonderful no matter what, whether they are male or female or both or neither. I am still me and always will be me no matter what, and nothing will change that. All I know, being at this point pre-transition, is that the only thing that could possibly change is that I would be happier and more able to enjoy life to the maximum if my body finally matched my mind. My fascination with the world and my curiosity and drive to succeed and thrive and make something of my life will never die, and if anything will only become more intense once I am living in a body that makes me comfortable. I am sure the same will be true for your child.
As for the reference to being effeminate and weak - I respect you for being so open about your feelings and reactions. Trust that your child will never ever be weak. If they have the courage to be doing this, and are as driven as your post describes, they will never ever be weak. And quite frankly, does it matter about being masculine/feminine etc.? I know I would rather be a healthy, happy effeminate man rather than a desperately repressed, unhappy but seemingly 'strong' woman.

 

Well, I'm not the most qualified person to give advice on this subject, as I'm a 14 yo with no intention of starting a family any time soon, but I can assure you, you're doing awesome all things considered. A majority of parents of trans people are kind of assholes about it. At least you're getting them therapy. I asked my dad for therapy for my birthday, then again for Christmas, he just got pissed at me. He also smashed my phone when I was accidentally outed by one of my friends to him, and he locked me in my room with no dinner. He's not abusive, he just doesn't know how to deal with "special cases". You're doing better than the majority of parents would regarding this subject, and you sound like you're doing the best you can.

Woah did this all just turn into something about my crappy life? Wow, I'm terrible at giving advice at 1:05 in the morning

 

You don't have a "weak and effeminate half-son." You have a very strong and brave son. Now I don't know if he really is your half-son, but I can see the love and parenting here and I would like to say: YOU ARE AMAZING. I wish my parents were as supportive but they just deny to be whatsoever. I'm allowed to wear stereotypically male clothes and get haircuts but they usually are hesitant when I ask for something "male" because they feel that me being trans is "taking away their memories and their "daughter." I try to remind them that they have not lost their child but I just want them to support me in my decision to transition. I know for sure that I want to because I look at transmen and see how they end up and I smile. I do not want my body to become "feminine." I'd say you have a reason to be afraid of the treatments because it may seem unnatural to put hormones or hormone blockers into someone's body. But keep on doing what you're doing. If your son decides he doesn't want to transition, it does not make him a girl. Even though his biological sex is female, his feelings are different and very similar to mine. Transitioning is not required to be a man.