1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What's going on here

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Dentalfloss, Feb 25, 2017.

  1. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    So my 12 year old is gay or bisexual. She said bisexual at first then changed to gay but anyway, now she's acting even weirder than before. She never says any of this stuff to me or her family. She says it all to her friends. It's like she has to keep reiterating that she's gay to her friends. She is always texting them rainbow flag pictures or jewelry or pictures of fat couples. Anytime the word straight is used she has to claim she can't relate to that word because she's gay. It's like she has to keep reminding them that she is gay.
    An example of that is one of her friends said something about no being able to keep her room straight( as in cleaned up) and my child said, and I quote," I can't relate to straight anything cuz I'm gay"
    She makes references like that and it's weird to me. Plus she is out at school and she is getting bullied and lying to me about it. I'm getting my information from other people who contact me and tell me what's going on because they are worried about her.

    ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 08:23 AM ----------

    She just keeps doing stuff that seems weird to me. She's acting in ways that she never did before so everything seems very out of character for her
     
  2. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I really need to learn to proof read better. That was suppose to say she sends pictures of gay couples. Not fat couples. Ugh!!! Sorry.
     
  3. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Is there a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) club at her school? That may help with the bullying. As for the straight/gay issue, it sounds like part of her becoming a teenager and trying to reinforce her identity. Chances are many of the things she is doing may be part of the teenage development process rather than being gay itself.

    Also, you might consider looking for a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) group to get advice from other parents.

    ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2017 at 04:48 PM ----------

    Here's an interesting article on teenagers (take with a grain of salt!)
    5 Reasons Teenagers Act the Way They Do | Mental Floss
     
  4. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    No there's no GSA at her school. So I don't Know what else to do. She's just changed so much so fast. I can't help but be worried. I hope her therapist can get to the bottom of this. I'm scared for her behavior.
     
  5. Mimikyu

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis
    Post coming out syndrome. I went through sonething similar. I cant speak for her or know exactly what is going on in her mind but i can at least give insight to my own experience. By bringing it up a lot it helped knowing that the people around me supported me in a rough society. It also helped with the idea of finally being out and able to say it. Its really likely a coping mechanism, at least it was with me.
     
  6. Dentalfloss

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2016
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Maybe this is what's going on. Thanks
     
  7. LadyTalulah

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2017
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Toronto
    This. I think a lot of LGBT people go through it to some extent. It's a big moment when you realize that part of who you are, and you expect to face resistance to some extent. Constantly bringing it up can garner some much needed support from family and friends, many of whom don't always realize how scary it can be to be gay in this world. This can be especially destabilizing at a young age.

    Also, I don't think many people realize how heteronormative society really is. It's easy to feel out of place, and maybe bringing it up makes her feel like she's creating her own space.

    She might also sense that you're uncomfortable. Her pushing the subject might be because she resents the fact you're not completely accepting - or at least comfortable - about it (I'm just speculating here). I recently told my Mom that I'm bi, and despite her attempting to be as supportive as possible, it's beyond her comfort zone. So for both of our sakes, I don't talk about women, only men. However, part of me is annoyed at myself for doing that, because I feel like I'm always hiding or denying part of myself around her. If your daughter is pushing you to be comfortable, go with it. Don't make a big deal out of it, but acknowledge this recent realization and support her. Trust me, it's better than her staying quiet to keep you comfortable, in doing that she will never feeling truly herself around you.
     
  8. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think this is just a symptom of first coming out. You always want to talk about gay things at first and keep reminding yourself that you are gay because you feel like an outcast. It's a way of building self-confidence. Years from now, she won't be as obsessed with it. I was like this when I came out at 14, and now at age 26 I barely talk about it.

    On the other hand, straight people also push their sexuality on people too. They don't say "how straight they are", yet It's more subtle. You won't believe how many female friends I have who will talk about their crushes, boyfriends, husbands, and sex lives almost 90% of the time in conversation. Half the time I want them to shut up and keep that stuff to themselves, since I literally don't give a damn about it. I assume straight people also feel the same about gay people's sex and dating lives.

    Some gay people do the same thing. They force and exaggerate their sexuality to go against all the hetero talk they are forced into.

    All I know is that for me, it didn't last.
     
  9. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, and welcome to EC. You're definitely in the right place.

    So the good news is... there's absolutely nothing wrong with your daughter, and not even anything particularly abnormal or unusual.

    Right now, she's coming to terms with who she is. She's almost certainly been thinking about this for a fair amount of time, and has decided she's clear on it and wants to own it. This is actually a really admirable trait... she's showing strong resilience, a willingness to be who she is in an outspoken way, and basically completely taking charge of her identity. This is far, far preferable to the opposite approach, rooted in shame and low self esteem.

    The various comments and over-identification are, of course, a little ridiculous. But most teens go through some pretty ridiculous over-identification with something-or-another (Justin Bieber? Or for those who are older and remember, Justin Timberlake?) which eventually fades with time. That's normal and nothing to worry about.

    I can at the same time completely understand how disconcerting this is for you. The bad news is... part of it is simply puberty and adolescence and the beginnings of the individuation process, and that can be difficult on even the most well-adjusted parent-child relationship. There's also no instant or easy way to change it; it's simply a part of the adolescent process for people who experience it this way.

    I'm guessing that maybe, at some level, there's another piece for you, which is simply "wanting your little girl back". And it's OK (and natural) to feel like that. That's the other bad news... it's something you need to learn to adjust to. The very fact you're here, asking about this, wanting to understand it, puts you way ahead of many parents. It's really clear that you deeply care about and love your daughter, and that's the single most important thing here. Make sure she knows that, and that you have her back 100%, in spite of all of her ridiculous over-identification. Do your best to be unconditionally supportive and loving and accepting. This is what she needs, more than anything else.

    It sounds like you've raised an amazing daughter. Most 12 year olds wouldn't have the capacity to be that strong, outspoken, and committed, and I'd say this means she's going to be someone really special as she grows up. So the more you can do to support her in every way, the stronger she will be, and the closer and stronger your relationship to her will be.
     
  10. TheOneCactus

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2017
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Luxembourg City, Luxembourg
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'd recommend for her to turn it down a few notches as in my old school we had this one kid who came out and from that point on his every third word was "gay". He ended up losing quite a few friends beacause of this. Its as if you have a new bike and every sentance you have to mention the word "bike". Its always fine to talk about sexuality (were all first world countries right?) but as with everything, too much of something can have negative effects. good luck!
     
  11. FoxEars

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2015
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'd just like to add that, as a queer person, many people tend to make gay jokes and references 24/7. I never thought much of it, but as I have matured I realise that we need to constantly remind ourselves that we are a valid, real and huge part of this cisgendered-heteronormative world. Other than the bullying, don't be put off about her comments. It's normal, and almost every lgbt+ person I know makes references everyday. Don't feel as if it is weird, that's quite a rude thought and I'd hate for my parents to be thinking that. Try to stay positive and support your daughter as best as you can, it'll be harder for her than it is for you.