Mother of 15 year old boy

Hey Kefrm,

Welcome to EC!

Thanks for being such a loving and understanding parent!

Each of us comes to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality at our own rate. LGBTQ people often come to that understanding and acceptance at a later point in our lives - sometimes much later in life.

Only your son can know his own sexuality, so you should simply take him at his word and offer him your unconditional love and support.

You may want to check out the PFLAG website. (PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.) You can probably find a local chapter which hosts support groups for parents of LGBTQ people, if that interest you. Also PFLAG publishes a very good information booklet that you can download and read called Our Children.

Also, please feel free to continue to interact with us here at EC, if you have any questions/concerns/issues that you would like to address.

I hope some of that helps.

 

That is truly wonderful, Kefrm, that he trusts you so deeply with such personal and private information about himself. Please take that as something very special.

As I explained briefly before, each of us takes the journey to understanding and acceptance of our sexuality at our own rate. There is often a significant difference (in time) between understanding that we are LGBTQ and fully accepting it for ourselves. (In my case, I only understood my bisexuality at age 23 and it was another two years before I fully accepted it for myself.)

 

Yes it is entirely possible for someone to know at this age. Think about it like this...how did you know you were straight? When did you know for sure you liked boys? Being gay - or bi or anything - its instinctual. I think picturing yourself and your own love life growing up is a good example, the best one i've seen given yet to illustrate my point of view on realizing i was gay. Yes it required a lot of processing and coming to terms with on my part, but like i said it was instinctual. I naturally just checked out girls instead of boys, i never understood what other girls were talking about when it came to boys beyond acknowledging that yeah they had a pretty face or they had good fashion sense. I noticed that i was checking out other girls as young as like 11 or 12 in middle school. But being raised in a christian conservative household, i was very sheltered and thought that i was being rude and inappropriate so i proceeded to repress those feelings until adulthood. But even during those years, telling people who asked that i was straight never felt right, even though i myself at the time was convinced i was just a very mature, not very sexual, straight girl.

I can also give you some insight as to why your son is using the word 'thinks'. Its very much a big thing to notice, think about a lot in your head to try to understand it, and eventually come to terms with. I admitted to myself i might be gay for years before i finally came on here, talked to people, and felt comfortable identifying as gay. With me, i questioned myself. After growing up having told myself that i was just being a good daughter by focusing on school and not on boys and certainly not looking at girls inappropriately, i just...felt like i had to be totally sure, i guess. Was i just appreciating that random girl's appearance? Did i just wish i could be as pretty and well dressed as her? Did i actually like girls sexually? Could i picture myself dating, being intimate with, and/or marrying a girl? Etc etc. I had to totally process it and to be honest i had to completely re-evaluate my whole life. Because i did have boy crushes. But looking back and thinking on it, i realized one glaring commonality on all my real life and band member boy crushes - they were all pretty boys, the boys who back in school probably got called gay and made fun of for it. But even back during those school days having a boy crush, i could never picture myself doing anything with them. I didn't want to date them or kiss them or whatnot.

Telling your parents is a very scary thing and i myself have never told mine. Eventually i will tell my dad but not when i'm financially dependent on them still. The fact that your son trusted you enough to tell you is a good sign. You might ask him his feelings about mentioning it to his father. Chances are he very well might not want his father to know yet, regardless of your feelings on what his father's reaction will be. This is something that he needs to tell his father on his terms in his own time, please do not tell his father without consulting him first.

You said your son might be HFA/AS. My mom has suspected for years that i am as well but she's never taken me to anyone for it and doesn't plan to. If you have any questions i'd be open to trying to answer them, about your son. I imagine this is probably just as much of an adjustment for you as its been for your son.

 

Asking him how he knows isn't a bad mistake, so don't even give it a second thought. A bad mistake would be to make him somehow feel that you no longer love him or won't accept him for being who he is if he really is gay. And you've made it abundantly clear that that isn't a mistake that you are going to make!

It sounds like he is early in his journey to understanding and accepting his sexuality. He clearly understands that his sexuality is 'different' from that of his peers. He still needs time to explore this and come to terms with it. Unfortunately, it is a journey that only he can make. You can only continue to support him and offer your unconditional love while he undertakes this journey for himself.

And, I wanted to address your concern about telling his father. Please respect his privacy. This is, as I said, very personal and private information. You should not tell anyone else UNLESS he specifically tells you that it is o.k. to do so. Having said that, I understand that you probably want to talk to your husband about this. I would simply suggest that you ask your son if it is o.k. if you tell his father and, if he asks why, let him know that you and his father are a parenting team and it is important to you to be able to talk to his father about this (or whatever your honest reasoning is.)

Also, I strongly urge you to download and read the Our Children pamphlet that I posted a link to earlier. It can help answer some of your immediate questions and hopefully provide you some better context.

 

Kefrm,

There are many gay people who are members here on EC that are on the autism spectrum. Trying to connect his autism diagnosis with his Coming Out to you is, in my opinion, a red herring. I suggest that you let that idea go and just listen to what your son is telling you. At this point, he has only told you that he thinks he might be gay because he basically finds himself more attracted to pictures of men than women. Since he said that he 'thinks' that, it would seem that he still needs to continue his journey to explore the true nature of his romantic and sexual attractions. But, as I've said, only he can ever actually know his own sexuality, so please just take what he tells you about his sexuality at face value.

 

I'm not diagnosed as an aspie, like your son is, but i've identified as one for years. I know if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism, but honestly i think HFA in general affects how you think about and process the world around you and other people moreso than something that's purely inside you like this. I've read that aspies can be immature in some areas, sexuality and dating being one of the more common ones on the particular thread I'm a member of. On that thread, well i'm the only one who at 25 hasn't dated but...well, let me say it this way. With HFA/AS its common that you can't read people very well or pick up on social cues that others might read easier. SO when it comes time to start dating, well if you can't read people in a normal situation, flirting and dating just multiplies that. With me, i thought the whole idea of flirting and trying to read if someone was interested or not and how to react back was too confusing to even dare venture into seriously so i never even tried straight dating.

 

Hey Kefrm,

Again, that's just wonderful that your son has such trust in you to be able to Come Out to you so readily before he is even certain of his sexuality himself. That is extremely rare, so please embrace it!

I'm sorry that you are having marital difficulties, but your reaction to your son's Coming Out has been superb.

Being initially overwhelmed by having a loved one Come Out to you is completely normal, as well. At first, you probably were in a state of denial, and then you were probably focused on being concerned for your son's long-term well-being if it turns out that his is indeed gay. Totally normal and understandable. You have to take time to understand and accept what he said for yourself. That is why I referred you to the PFLAG website where you can find a local chapter and attend support group meetings, if you like, or at least be able to contact them with specific questions/issues that you would like to discuss.

Rest assured that you can always talk to us here on EC. You will get viewpoints from various individuals on this site (from LGBTQ people to fellow parents of LGBTQ people), but this is a support site and we are not here to judge, just to help you understand, if we can.

 

Lol i think i need to stop replying to you i feel like i'm being bothersome now. Honestly i just want to be helpful that's all. Oh and if you hit the 'quote' button it'll be easier for me to be sure you meant me when you posted...i kind of just assumed with this one. Now i forgot what i was gonna say....oh yeah! Don't take it badly that everyone's emphasizing you not telling his father. I think we're all a little emotionally involved when it comes to something like that, for our own personal reasons and backgrounds, which can come out at times like this when we reply. What i'm trying to say is take it with a grain of salt...my replies and likely those of others are colored just as much with our own personal shit on the topic as they are with our opinions of your post. I think its great that your coming on here wanting advice for the sake of your son. Sorry to just now be asking this, but do you have any support yourself for everything that's been going on? That's a lot to take at once.

 

Hey LunarLyric,

Don't stop replying on this thread. I think our tag-teaming is complimentary and provides Kefrm at least two views in what is clearly a confusing time for her.


Hey Kefrm,

Just take a deep breath and realize that you don't have to UNDERSTAND everything about the implications and impacts if your son is actually gay right now. The reality is, as with anything else, that it is a learning curve - for all of us, whether we are LGBTQ people ourselves or family and friends of LGBTQ people.

When you've had some time to process all of this, you can ask more questions on this thread, start a new thread, or simply find local real-life support. In all honesty, there are no 'right' answers, but unconditional love and support for your son will overcome almost any potential obstacles.

 

Thanks! =) As much as i intended to try to play it off, it really is an insecurity of mine.

 

Good to go, Kefrm. Just a quick follow-up from me.

Since he has already Come Out to you, don't avoid asking him about his current thoughts or for occasional 'updates' on his sexuality. Just don't ask so often that he might take it as intrusive.

I know, I know. It's a fine line. But you're his Mom. You shouldn't just be left in the dark about his sexuality at this point, but you also can't/shouldn't overly emphasize the issue. Remember, our sexuality is only a part of who we are. We are NOT defined by it. As you said, though, you don't want to 'force' him into any conversations that he isn't ready for. But I'll tell you, the BIGGEST/MOST IMPORTANT conversation is the one he has already had with you - which is that he doesn't think that he is heterosexual. From here on -and especially since he was SO comfortable telling you about his potential homosexuality - don't be shy about asking him questions, just respect his privacy if it's clear that he really doesn't want to or can't answer some of your specific questions.

Also, and I know you didn't ask about this, but if he decides to date another boy, then just make clear what your standards are, as for any boys that your daughters might be dating. Your family standards can't and shouldn't change. Don't give him greater leeway or flexibility if you want to enforce house rules simply because he likes other boys. Just adjust and adapt your house rules to fit the current situation.

I hope that makes sense.