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What is happening? What do I do? I'm scared. I'm in shock.

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Strugglingmomma, Mar 22, 2017.

  1. Strugglingmomma

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    Hello. I'm new here. I'm struggling so badly and feel lost. I have been suspecting my 12 1/2 year old son is gay. I don't know why. I've just been feeling it. So I decided to flat out ask him. Well he answered with a very open and honest yes. He started sobbing and told me he was trying to figure out how to tell myself and his father. He said he has been trying to live like someone else for a very long time. Just lying about who he is. Trying to fit it in with what everyone expects. Since I had been thinking this was in fact the case I wasn't too shocked when he blurted out his answer to me. But as time goes on, I find myself struggling more and more. My struggle feels so selfish. My first thought is why my son? I don't want him to be faced with the hardships that I know he will face. I love him so much and I told him that. Same with my husband. My son knows we love and support him. We live in a place that is so extremely close minded and cruel and judgmental. I'm terrified for how his life is going to be once this is out in the open beyond just us. Why do I care so much what other people think? I don't know what to do. I've literally stopped talking to my friends and cancelled get togethers. I feel so alone and angry. I just want this feeling in my stomach to go away. I don't want to say or do anything stupid or insensitive to my son. So I feel like I just won't say anything. But what kind of person does that make me? This isn't about me. I know that. I literally feel lost and just sad. I want him to be happy and have a wonderful life. But seeing the cruelty of people makes me think he is in for a difficult life. I feel like getting run over by a bus would be nice right about now. I apologize for being all over the place but this struggle is very hard. I thank anyone who can offer some kind words or encouragement.

    Respectfully,
    One sad mommy
     
  2. Najlen

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    I don't think those thoughts are selfish. It sounds like you're coming from a place of genuine caring and wanting what's best for your son. I understand that you're worried, but this country is becoming more and more accepting. I'm about 5 years older than your son and I live in a small, mainly rural area. I've been out for a while and I have friends who have also been out for a fairly long time and none of us have gotten any crap about it. Everywhere is different of course, but having a supportive family can make all the difference and it sounds like you can be that for your son. He will be ok. He doesn't have to come out right now, and it's his choice when to do it. He'll know when he's ready. And if something bad does happen, he will have a supportive mother to fall back on if he needs to. As for you, it's ok to be anxious. But you should try not to let it get in the way of your social life. This is normal and it shouldn't change your life much if at all. Why have you started cancelling things with your friends? I can see that making sense if you need time away from social activities to process, but if you're worried that they will judge you or your son and that's why you're avoiding them that's a different thing. Just remember that people who would have a negative view of you for supporting your son probably aren't your friends to begin with.

    If you're worried about offending your son, there are a couple of things that you could do. My mother did the same thing you did where she directly asked me, and I told her the truth. She is accepting but she acted differently around me for a long time even though she wasn't trying to and she couldn't say lesbian (that's what I was originally out as before I figured out gender) with a normal voice for a couple of months. That did not make me feel good. The best thing you can do is to remember that he's exactly the same as he was before and not to treat him differently. You shouldn't ignore the fact that he's gay though or act like that conversation never happened. Little things like saying boyfriend or husband instead of girlfriend or wife when the subject of dating or future relationships comes up can help. You could also talk to him about what he needs from you (if anything) as far as figuring things out, accepting himself, and potentially coming out. I don't know if this will help at all but I hope it does. Again, everything will be ok.
     
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  3. Minny

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    Please don't panic strugglingmomma. I think it's wonderful that your son has been honest with you - even if you did instigate the conversation.

    Every parent worries about their kids. Yes, your son is gay but it's not the end of the world. Being gay is quite normal and even though it isn't the majority sexuality, there are many, many gay people out there. The community you live in may be very narrow-minded...well, there is always the option to move to a more open-minded community, isn't there?

    My son came out to us age 14....it is a BIG step for them to do this and you should congratulate yourself that you are the kind of mum to whom your son could be honest.

    All you are feeling at the moment is a kind of grief: your expectations for your son haven't panned out. Plus - and this is important - you are worried about prejudices out in society.

    However, there are many prejudices out there in society, not just against gay people. Perhaps this is the first time you will personally have had to face them. This is frightening but it is something you and your son will be able to overcome. Please be reassured that most gay people live successful happy lives.

    First, try to think about how you view gay people. You may think (as I did) that you are very open-minded, but suddenly having a gay son will make you very aware of perhaps your own prejudices (minor though they may be). Don't feel bad about it. Just learn through this experience and read as much as you can so that you can help and support your son.

    I'm so proud of my son and think he's the most wonderful person and am so GLAD he is gay and is himself. I know in time you will feel the same about your son.

    Allow your son to be who he is. Be happy if he tells you about liking a boy. Learn about appropriate sex-education when the time comes..he will need it. Read threads (some of mine might be relevant) about online chat rooms etc.

    The issues in the coming years will be: who should your son come out to? (this is HIS choice, not yours), sex education, dealing with homophobic relatives/friends, what age to date and so on.

    But please don't panic, as I say....:it's all going to be okay....
     
  4. SemiCharmedLife

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    Kudos to you for being here and looking for ways to support your son. No matter what struggles he may face as he goes through his teenage years, he is lucky because he has an incredibly powerful ally--you. So many people who come out are afraid of going through their struggles without the support of their family, no matter how old they are when they come out. Your son may not say it or show it, but he is probably so relieved to have your support.

    Educate yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, seek out people who are going through the same thing. And don't beat yourself up for struggling to figure out how to be an ally for him. But you are an ally, and he is lucky that you are. Above all else, don't forget that.
     
  5. Kefrm

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    I know it's a shock, my 15 year old just came to me a week ago and told me the same thing and I had no clue whatsoever before he spoke with me. Just remember he is the same boy he was before he confirmed your suspicions. Trust that he has made friends with kids who will accept him for who he is and know that in general people are more accepting than they were when you were his age. It may be difficult now, and he may decide not to tell anyone else until he is older, but as he grows up he will gravitate towards the more open minded people in your community.
    As for your friends, it's none of their business. I wouldn't avoid social events or your friends in general. If he was heterosexual would you be discussing his sex life with these people? He more than likely doesn't/shouldn't have one at his age so just don't talk to them about that aspect of his life. Take these years to brag about his talents, his great personality, athletic achievements...anything you're proud of and make it known you love him no matter what. When he does decide to come out to the general piplulation your friends won't dare say anything negative because they will know your love is unconditional.
     
  6. BlueEyes85

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    "I don't want him to be faced with the hardships that I know he will face." and "But seeing the cruelty of people makes me think he is in for a difficult life": these sentences mean you're anything but selfish.
    You're not selfish. If you were like that you wouldn't care about the hurdles your son might meet. You aren't thinking about what people think, you're just worried about his eventual struggles.
    This makes you your son's first ally! You're a great mom!
     
  7. Non binary kid

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    Your thoughts are perfectly normal :slight_smile:
    You just are worried for your son, and I am very glad that you are accepting him, what is more than many can say. Tell him he shouldn't come out if he doesn't want to yet. I also live in a very close minded place, and when I came out as pansexual, everyone was very happy for me and everything, even making some jokes about it. (Not offensive in any way). If you would like to get help with coming out, contact a therapist and more likely than not, your school or somewhere near you will have a LGBT+ support group where he can talk about his feelings with other people with the same feelings and get help with coming out.

    Remember, anyone who judges him for being gay is not a good friend. I would recommend to ditch them. Most people will understand, and it doesn't matter his sexuality. The only person that should matter to is his partner, (And his family), no one else.

    Again, it's completely fine to feel worried about your son, my parents were worried when I first wanted to come out too, but now that I have I am a lot happier.

    Don't worry. Again, he doesn't have to come out if he doesn't feel comfortable with it, but he is still the same son you have always known and love.
     
  8. jnv7594

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    My 14 year old daughter came out to me today, although, like you, I have suspected for a while. I'm having the same feelings as you. I'm not upset in the least that she's gay, and I'm happy that she talked to me. But I'm terrified of the struggles that she may face due to other people's ignorance. Even people in my own family, like my mother. I think what we're both feeling is normal. We just want our kids to be okay. We want them to be happy. I think all we can do is offer our support to them. Let them know that we are here for them and love them unconditionally. We, unfortunately, can't control other people. As much as it pains me, I can't make everyone accept that my daughter is gay if she chooses to tell them. But I can be here for her, and you can be here for your son. I'm kind of in the same boat, so I may not be of much help, but I wish you the best.
     
  9. Chip

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    It is awesome that both of you (jnv7594 and strugglingmomma) are so supportive and loving of your children. So many of our young members here would *love* to have parents as emotionally vulnerable and accepting as you are.

    The process of navigating any loss (in this case, loss of perception your child is straight) involves going through 5 stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and the anger, frustration, and fears are all normal, as are the "What did I do wrong" (which, of course, has no basis in reality...)

    The good news is that even in less-accepting parts of the US, acceptance among teens and young adults is much, much greater than it ever has been in the past. Among their peers, most kids, even in conservative areas, find at least some degree of acceptance.

    It requires conversations that are difficult about safety, choosing whom you disclose to, and other factors, but it sounds like both of you are on the right path. I encourage you to stick around here, as there are many parents who are or have been in your situation, and the sharing of information and simply the "me too" of having been there is incredibly helpful.
     
  10. wickedwitch

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    Hi:

    Just wanted to add that PFLAG (Parents, Friends, Family of Lesbians and Gays) have chapters throughout the U.S. and Canada and can be an invaluable resource for support and education.

    (*hug*)
     
  11. neverguessme

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    I'm an 18 year old gay male who came out when I was 14 so I'll try to give a little insight into your situation from my point of view, my parents worried about how I'd get treated, and It affected me because I felt like I had to hide who I was and it led to quite a lot of self-loathing (maybe it how they tried to tell me to be careful, not to do this/that and hide what I wanted to do) so as a little advice if you do tell your fears to your son that you do it gently and don't do it in a "hide who you are" kind of way.

    Also, if it helps I've faced one real life experience of homophobia and I'm quite feminine and that was just a slur shouted at me, nothing actually life-lasting. I'm sure others have worse experiences but I doubt he will face many challenges because of his sexuality (in his up-coming life), although of course you know your area and you've said it's quite close-minded, so I can't really speak upon this. I hope this helped a little and didn't come across too patronising, that wasn't my intention, just to put forward my experience with coming out etc.

    X
     
  12. I'm gay

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    Hi Strugglingmomma,

    You've gotten some really good advice here. You're right, of course, that your son will have to face particular challenges simply by being LGBT. It's sad that we don't live in a completely accepting and safe society yet. Moving won't really help because you simply can't guarantee that he won't encounter homophobic people or be rejected by someone who finds out he is gay no matter where you live.

    It's also true that today's society, including in Boulder, is more accepting and tolerant than ever before. Your son will have the ability to marry one day. He has legal rights in Colorado, including protections from discrimination in housing, employment, health care, and adoption. These are freedoms for LGBT that not long ago were just a wish. Your son has so much of life ahead of him, and full opportunities to live a full and rewarding life as a gay man.

    Sure, there will be challenges and difficulties along the way. That's true of everyone though, and even straight people have their own journeys in life. Your son will have his own journey.

    I've listed below some resources for you to check out in Boulder. These resources are inclusive for youth from 13-18. Your son will be 13 soon, so you should begin now by getting more information on how you can be the best ally and advocate for your gay son, and help him to fully realize his potential. These resources aren't just for him, but for you, your husband, and siblings as well.

    PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
    Phone: 303-444-8164
    Email: [email protected]
    Welcome to PFLAG Boulder County, Colorado | Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays of Boulder County, Colorado

    OASOS
    303-678-6259 or 303-579-2676
    Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/OASOSatBCPH/
    Serving youth between the ages of 13 – 18. Boulder Group meets Wednesdays 6:00 – 8:00 pm. Longmont Group meets Tuesdays 5:30 – 7:30 pm

    Out Youth
    2132 14th St., Boulder, CO 80302 | 303-499-5777
    Out Youth is part of Out Boulder and offers two programs from 13-18. Art and Activism meets every Tuesday from 4:30 – 6:00 pm. Trans* and Gender Expansive Youth Group meets on the 1st and 3rd Thursday from 4:00 – 5:30 pm.
    Out Youth Program for LGBTQ youth and allies ages 13-18 | Out Boulder

    It sounds like you're already doing a good job. Just take a deep breath. It will all be fine - remember you're just at the beginning of his journey. Just help him take it a step at a time.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  13. Foxfeather

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    Mothers care because they love their children. That said, I'm glad you're worried because of society and not because of your son's situation. It's the opposite in my family. The second they find out I'm not straight, it'll be backstabbing, talking behind my back, and judgment, possibly alienation and being ignored. And I live in a liberal place.

    I'd say that let yourself go through the cycle of feelings. Over time, I helped my closest family members ease into the idea that I was a lesbian (now, technically I am a trans man and I just didn't realize it earlier because I didn't have a name for it) just by being myself and more open about it. Yes, it hurts to be stared at, and I've cried over it, but everyone has their own struggles. For me, being open was better than dying slowly in a closet. Yes, there are risks associated with being publically open and sometimes it's not an option in worse parts of the world. But there are mental health risks associated with living life like you're some kind of animal or monster, meant to be locked away. That's the last thing a 12-year old boy needs, to feel like he's not fit to join society or be himself. Let him find his way, protect him where you can, but encourage him to protect himself and report any discrimination to shut down bullies and bigots. Being trans has made me feel vulnerable and weak, but it's also made me stronger and taught me how to stand up for others.

    It's hard to be trans and sometimes, I do fear for my own safety and happiness, but it's made me stronger and better in more ways that you could ever thought possible. Don't wish for it to be easier for your son. Wish for him to be strong enough to face it.
     
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  14. Supportivemom

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    Good luck as you allow yourself all these feelings. Self-acceptance is going to help you show up for your son with more acceptance and calm and less fear. I wouldn't try to rush yourself out of this grieving process. Mine took some time. Give yourself permission to respond to this news however you need to. Sending compassion.