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Are both of my children gay?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Want2Learn, Apr 2, 2017.

  1. Want2Learn

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    Hi, I am looking for advice/insight. I have 8 year old twins- a son and a daughter. My son told me in 1st grade that he would grow up to marry a boy right after a quick discussion I had about his friends 2 gay dads (school/family friends of ours). I didn't read too much into it. A year later, at age 7 (almost 8), both of my kids told me that they wanted to marry the same sex. They both claim that the opposite sex is revolting, don't have any feelings anywhere near a crush for anyone, etc. Now they are both 8- almost 9, and they told me the same thing last night. Both of them claim they want to marry the same gender when they grow up. They claim that they still hate the opposite gender (except each other, and they do fine with each others' play dates). Their school definitely has major gender wars right now (3rd grade), and there are very, very few kids who seem to express crushes on the opposite sex. They vehemently claim that they will only marry their same gender. My son even mentioned that several boys in his class claim to only want to marry boys. Neither seems to portray any stereotypical pre-gay behavior, but my daughter is VERY athletic (but also very feminine and loves dolls and all that stuff). My son definitely likes to wrestle and likes sports, etc. but he isn't that aggressive.

    I'm just confused as to what to think. Could they just be silly kids in the midst of a major "I hate boys/girls- - they are so gross" phase? Or are their feelings real? I don't know how much to validate or take them seriously. I have told them, of course, that they can do whatever they want when they grow up and that there are lots of people in the world who marry/love partners of the same sex. I want them to know it's normal. But at the same time, I have told them to keep an open mind and their feelings may change, and they might not really know what they want quite yet.

    Overall, from those who have been there, what is more likely here? Are they both gay? Or are they just parroting the vibe in their school? I want to start accepting/dealing/processing if they really are gay, as it will take me some time and I would prefer to shield my kids from my own struggle with this topic. Thank you in advance for any advice.
     
    #1 Want2Learn, Apr 2, 2017
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  2. Yelozbhsbjaj729

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    Hey Want2Learn!!

    I don't really know much about this but your children could be going on with the crowd as there young (You say people in there class claim to want to Marry the same sex) but they could be telling the truth and only like the same sex. When I was 7/8 I really didn't like any then growing up I t thought I only liked girls but turns out I like both (Mostly the same sex)

    Back to your children you might have to wait till they are a bit older. I would take there word and show them you still love them!

    I'm only 13 so I wouldn't quote me on this.
     
  3. AlexJames

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    I;m 25 and ( don't have kids, and the kids i babysat for nearly 3 years aren't applicable - the girl was older than that, the boy was a toddler. So i'm not sure what the norm is for kids that age, and my advice really isn't the best obviously. In my opinion, your kids very well might be influenced by what's going on at school and its as simple as that. Back in my day (i'm a 90's kid), the 'norm' to figure this out was middle school, so like 11-13 years old. That's when everyone really started dating and figuring themselves out. You'd see crushes in late elementary but it didn't really seem to take off. Apparently nowadays girls will have crushes and even boyfriends in late elementary, and i only know that from hearing conversations my little sister had with her friend back in late elementary. Girls who simply develop their interests that early will start to date that early, i guess.

    But getting back to your twins...I honestly do think they're a bit young. If they keep up this behavior through late elementary, you might very well have two gay twins on your hands. I've heard of individuals who 'always knew' but like i said, 8 is a bit young. Figuring out your sexuality is a complicated and confusing process and most kids don't even look at other kids like that until they're older. But that being said, for me being gay was natural, instinctual to me, and i didn't really understand it either much less realize i was gay. So, this being a new generation that's growing up with marriage equality and what sounds like a more accepting generation of parents...maybe they will figure it out younger.
     
    #3 AlexJames, Apr 2, 2017
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  4. warrior452

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    I am not a parent, and so I don't really think I have much to offer here, but I'll just speak from personal experience: I would lean towards just a normal phase. They are really young. However, it has been a repeat thing. It's not just like you had one conversation. I had my first realizations of my sexuality at that age (I obviously didn't know that at the time), crushing on a couple of older boys. You sound like you're doing great. Don't go out of your way to encourage it, but leave the door open so they know its okay if it's actually a thing and they are gay.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    In all honesty, it's hard to know at this age. Sure, it can be a sign of being gay, but it can also be a sign of kids being kids. Repulsion toward the opposite sex is pretty common for young children.
     
  6. Want2Learn

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    Thanks all for your thoughts! Maybe I will check back in, in a few years, and update with actual info once they can know themselves better. I would have found it helpful in my search so many there will be others behind me...
     
  7. PlantSoul

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    I honestly don't think you should read too much into it. It sounds like they're going through a phase. One thing I would pay attention to is that their so called 'dislike' of heterosexuals will not turn into an actual hatred of heterosexuals. I don't have kids. I did grow up gay, whether it was apparent to me or not. I think you should watch against trying to ascribe certain behavioral traits to them, as a way of figuring out their sexuality. This caused me a lot of turmoil growing up and it didn't make figuring out myself any easier. I was mostly a tomboy growing up. Now, as an adult, I don't fit that stereotype. I wear things from both the male and female departments. I have interests that would be ascribed to both genders. My mannerisms are typically that of a flamboyant gay male. Let your children know that you'll always love them, regardless of their orientation.
     
    #7 PlantSoul, Apr 2, 2017
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  8. johndeere3020

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    "I want to start accepting/dealing/processing if they really are gay, as it will take me some time and I would prefer to shield my kids from my own struggle with this topic."

    I don't mean to be a jerk, but your homophobic?
     
  9. birobigenausex

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    Well, there's more information out there now about it, than in the days that adults thought kids were too young... The LGBT community is a pretty broad spectrum. I experimented with a nine year old female friend when I was seven(my idea) Then, I ended up a bigender autosexual! It wasn't a phase, but it's also not cut and dry. It's not only just gay, not gay. They might be bi, gay, trans, transgender, straight with a love for sex with the same sex, an emotional love for the opposite gender but nothing more, have an inability to find satisfaction with someone else but still view themselves as gay or bi... It goes on and on...
     
    #9 birobigenausex, May 1, 2017
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  10. Foxfeather

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    I'd say, don't sweat it or worry about it. Parents always stress out about how their kids are going to cope. Yeah, we struggle with our sexualities in our teens and twenties, but by then, we know for sure. Hopefully by then, they'll have formed their own sexual identities and you'll have a second coming-out conversation.

    Me? I was 100% straight woman until I started questioning in junior year of high school. I've taken a complete turnaround and now I'm a trans guy who is sexually attracted only to women. And the emotions are persistent.

    Give your kids time to figure themselves out. I'd say, don't stress out until they do. When it starts becoming a concern for them, let them know it's okay to ask questions and to feel shifting attractions.
     
  11. KBrandonSB

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    Still young so it's unlikely they've fully realized their sexual orientation since people at that age don't realy understand the concept of love and are still trying to understand certain feelings. I think it's just a typical young self-gender bias aha nothing to think overly about but it's nice to know you used this site which clearly implies you're not fearing them possibly having same sex attractions and are just curious, hope this helps.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Hey I can understand your questions but as the others have said it is quite difficult to be sure either way. It is possible for them to know at that age but it is also possible that are just going through the stage where boys think only boys are cool and girls only think girls are cool.
    I am not sure I have any ground breaking advice but the main reason I wanted to reply to your thread is just to say what an amazing job you are doing as their mother that they feel they can share this kind of thing with you and you be cool with it. However it turns out in the end whether they be gay or not I am sure they will be fine with a mother like you supporting them.
     
  13. Dryad

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    I think it will be a more clear sign if they talk to you about an actual same-sex crush, and you see them displaying the common signs - blushing etc :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  14. BiGuy365

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    I have three boys and a girl. The youngest is a 10 yr old. At that age, they don't what they want and their sexuality isn't real. They may be trying to identify with others, but in 4years, like my 14 yr old, things change a lot and then they are figuring out their sexual maturity until about 18. They are just imagining their future right now and getting ideas from what they see/hear. I wouldn't read into it yet.
     
  15. mcflonalds

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    Regardless of the sexuality of your children you should work on your issues with gay people- for the benefit of yourself and for those you meet. If your kids are gay, they'll tell you when they're ready. Just don't make assumptions and make sure to let them know that you're supportive of them no matter who they love. There's no way of truly knowing until someone tells you- let them get there in their own time and just be supportive.
     
  16. Creativemind

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    You know, It's also possible they aren't gay. I've heard kids say that they want to marry their parents or even animals. That's because kids are taught that marriage is for someone you really love- they don't understand the sexual component to it.

    It may or may not change.
     
  17. andimon

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    I also wanted to marry my mother when I was younger, haha. I was quickly given three reasons why that wasn't going to happen: she was thirty years older than me, she was married and most importantly, she was my mum. Lol

    Now, when I was in primary school, although being gay (and male) I was obsessed with other girls. I was associating myself with them, had mostly the same interests and sometimes even wanted to BE them. My best friends are still girls to this day, so if anything, my behaving so friendly towards girls was more of an indicator of the lack of sexual interest towards them.

    I think your children are just kids being kids. There's no real indicator as to what their sexuality really is. They have to hit puberty to know for a fact who they're attracted to (if at all) and even then it gets tricky: they can discover new things along the way

    Marriage equality and social norms changing definitely have something to do with this behavior, but at the end of the day it won't ACTUALLY affect people's sexuality. If there really is going to be a "rise" in homosexuality, it's only going to be because people are accepting themselves more easily. Just look at how many people find out they were gay later on in their lives. A decrease in that department is the only thing that will be happening in the following years.

    In conclusion, you should let them do whatever, within the borders of their safety, until they actually figure out what they like.
     
    #17 andimon, May 4, 2017
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  18. Dryad

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    When I was in elementary school I thought I would marry my brother, because I thought that's how it happens. A boy and a girl have another boy and another girl etc etc :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  19. pinkpanther

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    Nah, they're just being kids. Once puberty hits you will find out.
     
  20. SomeUsername

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    Yay I finally found someone else who thought that! :lol:
    I thought I was the only one.