Mom of 14 year old who just told me she is gay...

Firstly, welcome to the family. I hope you enjoy your stay!

Secondly, I'm no expert, and my experiences are certainly different from hers, but I want to share some of the with you to possibly ease your fears.

I've just turned 17, and I'm a gay dude. I want to begin by telling you how proud I am of your daughter for coming to you so willingly—especially at her age! I had suspicions of myself for a few years before I realized with certainty my sexuality. It took me around another year before I gained the courage to even think about telling my parents.

I didn't tell them until I was so depressed that I was afraid to be alone because I didn't trust myself not to do something stupid. I didn't tell them that, but I did eventually. Regardless, I sat down over dinner and had decided that that would be the night. I didn't really touch my food I was so scared; I had no reason to be. From the way you talk, my parents were very similar in the way they handled the situation and how they have raised me.

Most of my fear manifested itself in the fear of them telling their friends, my uncertainty in myself, and that I would disappoint them because I wouldn't be able to have children of my own. There was a very small fear of not being accepted, but I was sure that they would. That didn't change anything, there's such a huge stigma around coming out that the little fears I had were blown out of proportion.

We all just sat around the table crying saying that we love each other because no one new what else to do. They reinforced the idea that it was alright for me to be gay, that it didn't change anything and that was so nice to hear. They asked a few questions, but I was very worn from the fear that I didn't answer them all. What I'm saying is their reassurance was very helpful.

It took me a very long time to really warm up to myself and I face a lot adversity seeing as I managed basketball and accidentally came out to the team. At this point, my parents knew for a few months, but I didn't want to worry them so I kept my struggles to myself and my support network I fought to construct. I was seriously depressed and anxious; I attempted suicide three times, cut, and nearly started experimenting with drugs. My parents, to this day, still have no idea about any of that.

I did eventually come to them with the fact I was feeling suicidal and that I needed help. I brought a friend with me this time because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle their worry when I told them.

My support network was some next level stuff; they were always there 24/7, friendly, accepting, and really pushed for me to make healthy decisions. They are the reason I talked to my parents.

If your daughter doesn't talk to you much, be patient. You sound like she has already made a network within her friends and trusts you very much. She very well may be ready to talk to you, but she might not be. It sounds like she is also doing better than I was at that point, so to me it doesn't sound like you have too much to worry about.

I really hope this helps! If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!

 

Hello jnv7594! Welcome to EC!

Thank you for being such a thoughtful and caring mom!

As gaynonsense explained, LGBTQ kids often develop a support network of friends before Coming Out to key people in their lives such as parents and, sometimes, even best friends. If your daughter has such a support network, that’s great!

In terms of your daughter saying that she was worried that you would judge her, that’s completely normal for us. We are usually afraid of disappointing parents by being LGBTQ and for dashing our parent’s dreams of us having a traditional family. The reality for us is that grow up in a heteronormative society where we are still often taught that being anything other than heterosexual is wrong or abnormal or that we are freaks. So it can be extremely traumatic to Come Out to those closest to us. We can never really KNOW how someone will react when we Come Out and when we Come Out to someone upon whom we rely for unconditional love and support and whose opinion of us means the world to us, the merest possibility of rejection is terrifying. In that moment when we Come Out, we are sharing something very personal and private about ourselves and we feel totally vulnerable while we await a reaction. Even if the person we are Coming Out to is totally accepting, the moment between Coming Out and getting a reaction can feel like we are waiting for an eternity and being judged for who we are. Do NOT take her fear of Coming Out to you as a negative comment on the relationship between the two of you. Her fear was about her, not you. Instead, take the fact that she DID Come Out to you as a massive sign of trust in you and your love for her.

Keep her confidence. As gaynonsense alluded to, this is not your information to share. It’s your daughter’s and she can choose to share it or not of her own volition. If there is someone that you feel needs to know (such as another family member), then talk to her about it, but, unless she gives her consent for you to tell anyone else, consider it privileged information.

As far as talking to your daughter about this goes, you should feel free to ask questions and let her know your concerns, but don’t treat her generally any different than you would have before knowing that she is gay. She is still a normal teen. She just won’t be dating boys.

It seems likely that your daughter’s depression and cutting may very well have been tied to her struggle with her sexuality. In most cases, when we are finally able to Come Out to our parents and closest friends, our relationships with them become stronger than ever and a great weight is lifted off of our shoulders when we are unconditionally loved and accepted for who we really are.

The fact that you were upset and sad down and cried is a completely normal reaction. One of the first things on most parent’s minds when we Come Out is concern for our welfare and worry about having to deal with prejudice and hatred in the world for being who we are. The good news is that in many places in the world, including much of the US, is far more educated about the realities of LGBTQ people and much more accepting. Certainly far more accepting than when I was your daughter’s age back in the late 80’s. But no parent can truly shield or protect their children from some of the nastiness in the world as much as they would like to. Even some straight kids get picked on at school. If you’ve raised your daughter to be a strong person and you can reinforce her self-image, she shouldn’t have a problem coping. She can make sure that she only keeps accepting friends around her and, if necessary, report any bullying at school. When she gets to High School (I’m assuming that will be next year?), you can check to see if the school has a Gay-Straight Alliance or an LGBTQ club that she may be interested in joining.

I would recommend that you check out the PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) website. You can search for a chapter near you. They can help answer some of your questions concerns with regard to having an LGBTQ daughter and most chapters host support groups for parents of LGBTQ children (and if they don’t, they should know of any such support groups in the area). Also, I strongly recommend that you download and read their pamphlet Our Children at your earliest opportunity. It can help you better understand your new reality with regards to your daughter.

Feel free to interact with us here on EC any time.

I hope some of that gives you a better perspective.

I wish you and your daughter all the best!

 

Hey there! I first came out as gay when I was 14 too, and now I'm a lesbian in my late 20's My Mom was equally as supportive and it really helped me get through life without much problem or hate for my sexuality.

You're doing great. Don't feel bad about crying though. It's a huge shock and I understand how worried you will be. But I think kids bully kids for no good reason all the time. I wasn't out in high school, but I got severely bullied for other reasons. High school is just a tough time for any kid.

As long as you stay supportive, she'll have minimal issues. The depression probably started from bottling this up.

 

Let me start out with saying that you already are, just in saying all of this and reacting how you did, you are the mom i would have loved to have. You're such a good mother to her. Yeah other kids'll say shit and all that but i'm sure that having you there, that knowing you still love her and accept her no matter what...that should mean a lot to her. I don't know that myself i've never had that. But i've dealt with depression, anxiety, cutting, repressed sexuality all that since i was in middle school and i had no one. So just reading all this...if i had had somebody like you, it would have meant the world to me, so surely it means a lot to your daughter. Kids aren't gonna admit it but their parents opinion means a lot to them.

I dunno if this is intrusive or not but...what all have you done about the cutting? If she's still cutting maybe i've got advice. I mean hell i'm still doing it off and on at 25 but i've stopped before. I just wondered what you'd done about it and wondered if you'd want an insiders' perspective, if she's still doing it.

 

Ah okay. Yeah luckily some people try it cause of a friend but never get into it. It can end up being a somewhat addictive coping mechanism. That's all it is, a coping mechanism, but its a pretty fucked up one. Well its good that you got her help and that you have such a close relationship with her. Honestly it sounds like regardless of whatever else she may or may not have going on, her telling you is a good thing for her. You keep saying she seemed happier and relieved and that she thanked you.

And thanks for the added paragraph blurb thing. And no, not really i don't have any real support, just nice supervisors who seem to notice shit. I mean the supervisors at work know but not cause i ever tell them anything, they know cause i decided 'fuck it' and started wearing short sleeves to work with couple day old cuts showing on more than one occasion. Eventually just scars, but i scar easily so they'll be there for a while. I didn't do it wanting them to say something, i did it cause i knew they wouldn't. Like why hide it and suffer feeling hot in a jacket if nobody's gonna give a damn about it.

Idk if its just cause i paid more attention for it but they seem to be nicer to me ever since then. They'll ask how i'm doing sometimes, the supervisors i mean. One supervisor in particular, the one who know has a position somewhere in between supervisor and front end manager...he just froze and looked shocked but he didn't say anything, it wasn't the time or the place. He's done that a few times, looking, but i get the impression he just doesn't know what to say. One time he made a point to walk over to me to check on me but i got nervous and tongue tied and said the first thing that came to mind, and asked about something a customer had needed help with. He'd come over looking all serious and said he noticed i looked sad and lonely and i fucked it up. I guess he took it the wrong way though cause he's never done that since. He's the one that i'm pretty sure is gay which is...conflicting, i guess, cause it'd be cool to get to talk to him. But i don't even know for sure if he is or even if he's the type to tell others shit. I just heard him mention something about a boy a few times.

 

I'm amazed at how early your daughter came out to you, kudos! Honestly, her thinking that you might judge her, is a normal thing... At least for me. I had a hard time coming out with my mother because I thought that she might judge me but I know that she has no problems with the gays and such, it's just that when I think about it... It's difficult and feels peculiar to be.... peculiar, even though it's me. (If that makes sense). Being gay is embracing what you are, and that is being different. Truth be told, we are all different, yes, but what's imbibed in every human being is that being gay is being different, that's what gives us (or at least me) a second to hesitate in coming out to my own mom, whom I know who'd accept me unconditionally no matter what.

I think you're a great mom!! You're being there for her, supporting her, embracing her for what she is. Don't take the "she thinks you'll judge her" too much, although I'd admit, it would sting a lot, but actions speak louder than words so be happy for her because she's embarked on a road to self-discovery, and she's overcome what any other gay kid has to go through -- come out to his/her family. Furthermore, she may have judged herself first, thus her thinking of you judging her. Also, you might not have to feel the need to keep asking her about her transition, being there for her to listen is different from suffocating her with a bunch of questions regarding what she's feeling inside and changes in her body etc etc., I'd go with the flow and just follow her pace. I'm sure she's undergoing a lot of pressure, as well because of sudden changes in behavior and feelings. I'd let her adjust with herself and her surroundings first. You're a great mom, and she seems to be a great kid.

She'll turn out fine in your care!!

 

What LunarLyric said. And you got an A+ on this one. I had a mom like you... I can think of so many times when she gave good advice... and there must have been many others when she held her tongue and let me find my way. The reason your kid was so honest and open with you is because of your parenting.

LunarLyric, I have seen plenty of postings from you that were spot-on. Twenty-five years of maturing seem to have worked. I'm so sorry you aren't free from the tentacles of what bothers you. But remember the good you are doing on EC.

 

Hey jnv7594,

Thank you so much for sharing this! We rarely get to hear such positive Coming Out stories from the parents’ point of view.

Like I mentioned before, please don’t dwell on your daughter’s hesitation to Come Out to you earlier. When we are questioning our sexuality, it’s about us, not you, our parents and closest friends. Your daughter told you as much in your most recent conversations. As I said, the journey to understanding and accepting our sexuality is one that we can only take alone. There is nothing more that you could have done for her during her questioning period.

Having said that, I would like to extend my personal thanks to you for making your daughter’s Coming Out one of the smoothest and most welcoming that I know of.

So thanks again! For being a great, understanding, and accepting mom as well as for having the wisdom to seek out help such as from this site about things that you can’t relate to on a level of personal experience, but which are important to your daughter!

 

Hi! Our stories are very similar and I can relate on feeling sad that my child struggled alone and told others before telling me. From what I'm reading, it's pretty common. I guess us parents are the final frontier. I feel better knowing that most people wait to come out to their parents.

I'm glad your daughter has you, that will make all the difference. Having a home base where she knows that she is loved unconditionally will help her more than anything.

I'd love to chat about next steps. We're considering a PFLAG meeting here and I've encouraged my son to think about joining the LGBTQ group at school. I think I'm gonna bake him a surprise rainbow cake this weekend.

 

I'm now 17 and it's been about 2/3 years since I told my mother and other family found out. My mothers reaction wasn't great and she threw all the generic thing she such as its a phase and I've never seen anything to suggest that therefore it can't be true towards me and that's really damaged the relationship between me and her. You on the other hand have been great from what I've read and you seemed to have handled it in the right way. I think everyone here would agree those who bother where and weren't accepted by there parents. We wanted someone like you To be our parents. Someone who is accepting and will talk to us about what they want to understand. You're doing great and shouldn't be so concerned. Everyone's here to answer any questions you have but the anwsers we have are ours and the answers your daughter has may be totally differrent so talk to her if you have any concerns otherwise you're doing amazing. Keep your head up.