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I've always suspected it, but today my 14 year old son confirmed that he's gay

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Lavendar, Apr 12, 2017.

  1. Lavendar

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    Hi. I'm so happy to have found this forum. Today my 14 yr old son confirmed that he is gay. I check his phone periodically (he knows this) and saw him identify himself as "the gay one" so I asked him this morning if he was gay. After a long pause he said yes. I replied "that's fine with me, I still love you the same" and we hugged. I've suspected that my son was gay or trans since he was 3, so it was no surprise. The only surprise was that he's been out to his schoolmates for a year now. I feel so sad that he had to navigate that alone. He and I are very close and usually talk about everything but he said he just wasn't ready to tell me yet.

    Our family is very accepting, so I'm not worried about any of their reactions. His father (my ex husband) may not be. He became a Jehovah's Witness several years back and I'm concerned he may try to pray the gay out of him. We are Christian too, but we attend a UCC church where all are welcome and loved, there are several people who are openly gay who are part of our church family. His father's faith is not accepting of anything but straight people. We've discussed the fact that he doesn't have to tell his father until he feels ready and we've also discussed that his father may need time to accept it. Anything else I can do to help my son?

    I'm so proud of him for accepting himself at such a young age and being brave enough to come out to people at school.
     
  2. jnv7594

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    Hi, Lavendar. It sounds like we are in about the same boat. My 14 year old daughter just came out to me a couple of days ago. My daughter also struggled with it long before she came to me, so I know how upsetting that can feel. We don't like to think of our kids struggling at all. I had suspected for a long time that she might be gay, but I wasn't sure. I also accepted my daughter with open arms when she told me. Does not change a thing between us, except maybe making us closer now that we have talked. I just want her to be happy. And, like you, I'm so proud of her for being strong and working through this at her age and coming out to me and her friend.

    The family issue is a concern for me. I *think* my family will be accepting, but I'm not sure. The person I am worried about is my mother. I really don't think she would say anything negative to my daughter, she would probably direct her anger at me, which is fine. I would rather she direct it at me than my daughter. In all honesty, it may be a while before they find out anyway. I assured her I would let her talk to people in her own time, and that I wouldn't say anything because it's not for me to tell. I hope things go smoothly for your son, and if his father doesn't accept him, I think the best thing you can do is just continue to love your son and be supportive. That's what I plan to do, and I hope it helps her work through more difficult situations.

    It was nice to meet you, and let me know if you ever want to chat since we seem to be going through very similar situations.
     
  3. Lavendar

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    Thanks for the reply jnv. It is so nice to see parents who are accepting here. I feel like so much has changed in our world over the past 30 years and our kids will have an easier time being accepted than kids in previous generations.

    I hope telling your mom goes ok. I told my mother yesterday and she was happy for him - I knew she would be. I'm letting my son decide when he'll tell his dad. I've offered to bring the subject up beforehand if he wants me to. I think his dad will initially be very upset and then hopefully he'll cool off. I'd rather him direct that initial hurt at me than at our son.

    Does your daughter deal with anger and depression? My son does and it's been a problem for the past few years. I'm wondering if it is related to him hiding himself from everyone for so long? I'm really hoping that being out will help some of his anger to dissipate. He's been making steady progress, but this feels like the missing piece to the puzzle.
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey Lavendar,

    Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    Thanks for being such a wonderful and thoughtful mom!

    I see that you've seen jnv7594's thread about her daughter just Coming Out. The advice on that thread really applies in your case, as well.

    From what you write, it seems like you have things well in hand. I would just like to make a couple of comments. First, in regard to telling other people (friends, family, etc), please respect your son's privacy. I see that you told your Mom and got a positive reactions, as you expected. I'm glad that that went well, but it wasn't your information to share. Please do not tell anyone else unless you son gives you permission to do so. This is his very personal and private information and it is his choice alone if/when he prefers to tell other people (or not).

    In terms of your concerns about depression. Yes, it is often the case that when we are dealing with process of understanding and accepting our sexuality that we become withdrawn from our parents and we can become depressed. Once we Come Out - especially we were are so readily accepted, as you have been so accepting and supportive of your son - it usually takes a massive weight off of our shoulders, relieving our depression, and our relationships with the people that we are Out to usually become stronger than ever because we can finally just be the real person that we are instead of constantly having to hide part of ourselves.

    If you have any specific, questions/concerns/issues that you would like us to address, please continue to post here on EC.

    I wish you and your son all the best!:slight_smile:
     
  5. Lavendar

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    Thank you Quantum. I will definitely respect his privacy. I did get his permission to share the news with my mom, but maybe I should have just waited and let him tell on his own terms. I knew she'd be very happy for him and I wanted him to have another ally. I'll let him take the reigns from now on with sharing.

    I'm glad you mentioned the part about being withdrawn. That has been going on a lot for the past 6ish months and it has been hard. He and I are usually so close and I felt like I couldn't connect with him anymore. I've noticed a change already since he told me. We chat a lot more again.

    I'd appreciate any suggestions you have on next steps. Anything I can do to help make his life easier? I worry so much about others shaming him. He's a sensitive guy. Should I talk with him about it or just leave it for him to bring up?
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Hey Lavendar,

    It really sounds like you are already doing all the right things.:slight_smile:

    Shaming and bullying are always a potential problem in school and in life beyond school. Obviously, you can’t always be there to protect him, so he has to be able to protect himself. From what you said, he has already established a support network of friends to whom he is Out – I’m guessing most of them are school mates. That is really important, but I assume that he will probably be starting high school next year. Will his friendship group change due to some of his friends possibly going to a different high school? Have you checked to see if his high school has a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) or an LGBTQ club that he might be interested in joining?

    Unfortunately LGBTQ people are treated differently at different schools across the US. In some schools, LGBTQ people are accepted quite readily. In others, they are openly discriminated against. In general, the younger generations are much more accepting of LGBTQ people. If you want to research the LGBTQ situation at your son’s high school, you might want to contact someone in the Administration or the staff advisor if the school has a GSA or LGBTQ club and ask about the general attitude towards LGBTQ kids at the school and what policies are in place to prevent bullying/shaming (assuming that your son is o.k. with you talking to them about this).

    In any event, simply maintaining open communication with him is always important. You definitely shouldn’t treat this as if he has a special problem or issue just because he happens to be gay. He’s still the same boy that he was before you knew about his sexuality. We are all unique individuals and each of us has our own problems and issues in life. How would you normally handle things if you were concerned that he might be bullied or shamed at school before you knew that he is gay? I would say that talking to him to let him know about your concerns is never a bad thing. If he tells you that he is comfortable with his situation, but knows that he can come to you if he starts experiencing problems, that’s probably the most important thing right now.

    I hope some of that helps.
     
  7. Creativemind

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    Hello and welcome to EC.

    I'm not a parent, but I came out when I was 14 (although I'm female, but the same thing still kind of applies here) so I can relate to what your son might be going through.

    My Mom was as great as you are being, so that really does help a young teenager. I was also very angry and depressed when I came out, but my Mom's support helped soften that. She was very much an ally and I felt like I could go to her for relationship advice or help with girls I liked. It helped make my teenage years a lot easier...definitely very important.

    If he stays depressed despite coming out and getting your support, then he might just be afraid of what his Dad thinks. You did the right thing by allowing him to be the one to decide, but hopefully it will go okay. If it doesn't, then It's best to allow your ex husband some alone time to soak the thoughts in.
     
    #7 Creativemind, Apr 14, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  8. Ushiromiya Red

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    Aww god bless accepting mothers like yourself. That is so amazing I want to cry, I wish my family could be accepting. That is why I'm still in the closet. Anyway this isn't about me.

    As long as your son has one accepting parent on his side, that's awesome. Hopefully his dad will eventually come around too, but it is hard to say with everyone. I know from personal experience that my own father is not really too accepting of gay issues/couples what have you. That's why I'm still in the closet. I'd give my left foot to have a family that is warm and accepting like yours.

    You're a unicorn shining brightly in a sea of darkness, youve shown me there is hope. Thank you, oh and welcome to the EC, you're among friends here.
     
  9. PixieTink

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    Hello and welcome Lavendar.

    You sound just like my Mom. I came out to her when I was 15 years old and told her I was a Lesbian and her reply to me was she already suspected it and she supported and loved me no matter what. I am so glad for Moms like mine and for Moms like you that make this process of coming out for us teens which is very stressful on us much better. I wish that all parents were this supportive of there kids.
     
  10. Lavendar

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    Quantum, from what my son tells me, his entire middle school knows. He said they've known since sometime last year. Most will be moving up to the high school with him next year. We are very lucky to live in an accepting area, we're just outside of Boston, MA. Both the middle school and high school have an LGBTQ group - for some reason my son isn't interested in joining the group. I haven't pushed him on it but I do think it would be great for him to be around others who are gay - for comraderie. I know of at least two teachers who are gay in the high school - so that makes me feel like the school is progressive. I graduated from the same high school, but that was over 20 years ago. We did have at least one gay teacher when I was there. Thank you again for your comments!

    Creative, thank you too! I think he is very stressed about what his dad and stepmom will think. He left today to visit with them for the week and his stress level was extremely high. I don't think he plans on telling them just yet, but it is possible. I'm so happy to hear that your mom was accepting when you came out. I wish all parents were.

    Joey, I'm so sorry that your parents aren't accepting. My heart breaks for people who don't have their parent's acceptance. Have you spoken about gay people with them before? I feel like some people are anti-gay until they find out their own child is gay. I hope that one day you're able to come out and be accepted by them. That must weigh very heavily on you.

    Side story: my biological father (who I am not really in contact with) is gay. He denies it, but he's been caught in the act before. He has never worked up the courage to live his truth, so he has struggled with anger and debilitating depression for as long as I've known him. It breaks my heart. I wish we lived in a world where everyone was free to live their truth without fear of being shamed or treated as less-than.

    Pixie, thank you for your kind words. I, too, wish that every parent was an ally to their LGTBQ child.
     
  11. AlexJames

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    You mentioned earlier that his dad would initially be very upset if he came out, needing to hopefully cool off, and wanting to redirect some of it towards you and not your son. I haven't perused all your posts by any means, so forgive me if you've already said this, but is his dad homophobic or something? Could something like that be the reason he's stressed, or do you think he really does want to come out to them? I would be surprised given you said he's sensitive if he came out to them so soon after coming out to you, if he has reason to expect a negative reaction. Rejection is like the worst fear ever.
     
  12. Quantumreality

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    Hey Lavendar,

    That sounds like your son is in a situation that is both accepting at home and at school and that that will continue into high school. That is VERY rare in my experience. I can actually understand why he wouldn't necessarily want to join a GSA or LGBTQ club under those circumstances. Heck, those clubs are mostly about mutual support. If he already feels accepted and welcomed by his peers (in general), I can see why he wouldn't feel a need to join such a group/club.

    Please continue to do what you are doing, Lavendar. You instincts seem spot-on, even if you don't/can't mentally/emotionally put yourself directly in your son's position.

    And continue to ask us about any questions/concerns/issues that you have concerning your son here on EC. Based on everything you've posted so far here, I'd bet that we mostly can't do much more than tell you that we think you are on the right track. Still, that little bit of reinforcement from a knowledgeable community can be significant for you, so please don't hesitate to share with us.
     
  13. Lavendar

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    His father is a Jehovah's Witness. I'm not sure if you've heard of that religion before or not, but they're extremely conservative. They are not accepting of gay people at all. His stepmother is VERY much subscribed to the religion. For example she won't even let our son bring Pokémon cards to the house because she considers them "sorcery" and thinks God condemns them. His dad isn't that into the religion, but when our son comes out to him he will likely have to choose between his religion and accepting his son. Jehovah's witnesses are only allowed to associate with other JWs and if you break their rules, they shun you - leaving you isolated from the only friends you have. So this is going to be tough for his father and stepmother to accept. Luckily we live 3 hours away from them and he only has to see them on school breaks.