My son just told me he doesnt like girls...and more

Why do you assume that he's exploiting himself or acting absurd? Women get dressed up and wear makeup all the time, but would you assume your daughter was doing it just for attention or to prove who she is? If you don't want him to wear makeup because of his age or worries about how he'll be treated those are valid concerns you should discuss with him, but please be careful not to make him feel like he's being ridiculous just for his gender.

 

There's a slang term for it - 'guyliner'. Guys wearing makeup is normal. He's not exploiting himself or anything. At 12 i think its totally reasonable to set limits but it sounds like you are limiting him based on your opinions and beliefs and struggle to process all this more than anything else. Maybe talk with some of the other moms on here and get a feel for what's normal for boys your son's age, if you need to. Set reasonable limits and talk with him about it. Has he told you what he wants to wear? Something as simple as eyeliner won't hurt, long as whatever he wants isn't over the top. At that age, i think its important for a kid to feel like when they go to their parent they will be listened to, that their opinion and feelings matter. Open discussion and communication, i guess.

 

Hey I am not sure I have any amazing answers for you but just wanted to add that the world needs more supportive mothers like you so congratulations on that .
Your son is probably trying to find his feet and where he fits in as well so there will be a period of settling down. Dont worry if you cant explain if perfectly, we cant always explain it and we are the ones feeling it.
Its all very new and daunting but it will get better I promise.

 

Hey Newmom!

Welcome to EC!

Thanks for being an understanding and considerate parent of an LGBTQ child.

It is understandable that you were still shocked when your son Came Out to you, even if you had suspected that he might be gay. You can't ever actually KNOW until/unless someone Comes Out to you. And, at the point that he Came Out to you, your long-held suspicions finally became a reality, which kind of floored you. Understandably, your first concerns are for him, how he may be discriminated against, how he will ever have a 'normal' life, etc. I would strongly suggest that you download and read the PFLAG pamphlet Our Children. Also, you can check out the PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) website to see if there is an active chapter in your area. They normally host support groups for parents of LGBTQ children, if something like that may interest you.

As far as wearing makeup goes, I agree with LunarLyric that you should talk to him about it and set reasonable limits. But you are still the parent and if your parental rules for his sister would be to set an age at which wearing makeup is permitted, it shouldn't be any different for him. Just as if your parental rules say that your kids are not allowed to date until a certain age, the fact that your son is gay doesn't change anything.

I hope some of that helps...

 

I think allowing him to start off by wearing chapstick, clear mascara or eye(brow) liner is absolutely advisable if you want to gain his trust and show you're accepting. Baby steps are fine, take whatever time you want between them, but simply telling him no won't help.

 

That's great! Glad to hear it! Its so good to see a supportive mom on here, as so many IRL aren't.

 

I think you need to give yourself some credit and just continue to be an amazing, loving parent. It's normal to struggle a little with all of this, but don't go beating yourself up.

As far as the make up issue is concerned, I would encourage you to explore what sort of make up he wishes to wear and find out why he wishes to wear make up? Does he think it's a way of connecting with his sexual identity? Is it because he lacks confidence [self esteem] in his appearance or complexion? Whilst it's true that some gay men wear make up, many don't and he might just need reassurance about that and reminding that he is perfect just the way he is. What I'm trying to say is don't react against the make up issue, but explore it in a positive and non-challenging way and take it from there.

We are here for you if you need help and support on this journey.

 

Some guys do wear make-up, even straight men. You especially see it from actors. It doesn't have to be super heavy makeup, just something subtle would work.

However, if you wouldn't let his sister do it either, there isn't really a double standard or anything wrong with your views.

 

Newmom,

Here's the thing. If you would not let a daughter you had wear makeup at age 12, then you should not let your son do that just because he happens to be gay. I say be consistent in your parenting just like you no doubt have always been before. Maybe your son could express his homosexual orientation by something more subtle, such as by wearing a rainbow-colored bracelet or some kind of shirt that hints at his orientation. There are ways he can express himself without jumping right into makeup. In time if he wants to do that, then you may have to accept it. But you also need to let him know that a male his age showing up to school one day in makeup could be a really difficult experience. He needs to ease into his identity rather than leap haphazardly into it. As his mother, you play an integral role in helping him do that.

 

Hi Newmom,
I know you only want the best for your kids and it is understandable. It may be easier said than done but I'd like to say you should start learning how to balance things. Make your son feel accepted as you try to encourage him to take things easy.

 

Newmom,
Maybe allow some make up at home or on weekends so he can explore in a safe and non judge mental environment to begin with, he may decide it's not his thing after all.

Dean