My son recently came out of the closet and now wants to wear makeup

I wear makeup on occasion. It's fun, and I actually know a lot of guys, straight, gay, bi, etc. who do as well. I agree with Chip about asking why he wants to wear it, because if it is a self esteem issue that's something that should be dealt with another way.

I think using the same guidelines you would for a 13 year old girl is a good idea. I'm personally of the opinion that makeup, clothes, accessories, etc. should be treated as gender neutral, because in the end what it comes down to is what a person's style is and what they want to wear. I live in a pretty liberal area and it isn't uncommon for men to wear dresses or skirts or for women to have shaved hairstyles. Depending on your area, you might not have to worry too much about bullying, teenagers overall seem to be getting more open to stuff like that. Still, that is a concern and you should make sure your son is safe. I'd say let him try wearing it if he wants to but if he does get bullied you should have a conversation about whether or not it's a good idea for him to keep doing it.

 

Hi Lavendar,

First of all, whoooo Boston! :icon_bigg

I agree with what has already been said above. 13 is probably too young to wear make-up in public for both boys and girls.

According to Erik Erikson's theory of stages of psychosocial development, people aged 13-19 are discovering who they are and are developing their own unique identity. This includes anything from their favourite genre of music to their sexuality and gender identity. Their peers and role models are a huge influence on this process. It could be that he has gay role models who wear make up, which is perfectly fine. I'm just worried that his peers might reject him for wearing make up. If he really wishes to experiment with make up, allowing him to wear it in the house could offer him a safe space to discover that part of his identity.

 

I don't think it's very uncommon for gay boys to wear make-up, although not all of them do it. I do understand that you're afraid he'll be bullied, people can be cruel sometimes. If you let him wear make-up just let him wear light make-up at school, but let him do whatever he wants with it at school. The way you are doing it right now sounds fine to me
By the way, do the people at school know he's gay? And are they more on the homophobic side or rather accepting? It really depends on what the people at his school are like.

 

It sounds like he's looking for ways to stand out and express himself differently from other boys, and look the way he feels.

I want to say that at 13 years old I didn't have the role models or language to identify with being nb and I needed to experiment first (for a number of years) to figure out how to identify, so even if he is trans he may not have any answers for you right now. That being said if I had a choice at the time I probably would have just identified with my gender assigned at birth and be/ act as nb as my little heart wanted until I figured out that this is significant. Hah! ah chances are if you are having this conversation with him, and he's sure of himself and of his gender, then he's just looking for ways to be different from straight boys (makeup is exciting!), i.e. Looking for support, community, other gay boys! You can't be his whole support system, as good of a mother that you are.

I'm sorry to say that you can't protect him from homophobia forever, no matter if he's wearing make up or not. I think that may be the root of your issue with it. You should look for and make safe spaces. Let him wear what he wants and get practice at the make up he wants to wear and get good at it at home and take pictures and maybe make it into a fashion show! That way he has an outlet (thats not acrylic paint) but you are letting him know that heavy makeup is a special occasion sort of thing (make sure you are modeling that too). Even better would be if you can connect with other people he's friends with that have a similar interest in makeup and have a private sleepover or party to make a special occasion.

And I think this is the most important thing, if you are telling him that adults wear special makeup for special occasions, and you are helping because you are an adult who knows what special occasions are, you need to take him to special occasions where he can wear the make up he wants to and get a positive response. Yep. That means you ought to be looking for a gay prom or other community functions, if they don't exist, get involved. In the end that's probably what he wants and what hes trying to accomplish by wearing make up, he's gay and figuring out that means he's different from other kids but he wants to find other people his age like him.

And that means you need to talk about what to do and how to react at school and outside of the house if people are homophobic. Ask him how he would feel if someone told him that his makeup was 'girly' or made him a 'fairy' or started outrightly telling him that being gay is wrong. Then ask him if they are right to treat him that way and let him know that even though some people are bound to think that way, not everyone he meets will think that way, and even then the few people that do, he can change their mind. Thats the worst. Figuring out that people hate you for who you are and then feeling scared because you don't know if EVERYONE has been thinking that all along. You need to find out who is an ally at his school (not just by the rules of school policy, but an adult who is actually invested in protecting queer kids) and let them get to know each other so if he needs to, he's prepared to deal with knowing how to walk away THE SECOND he feels uncomfortable (not humoring other people until they prove themselves to be bullies) and go somewhere safe with that adult if thats what it takes to remove himself from a homophobic situation.

I can see why the makeup is scaring you a little bit but the make up isn't the problem here, and you should use this opportunity to teach him how to stay safe and how to de-escalate a situation (because not everyone has something kind or right to say about him and he knows himself and its not rude to end a conversation because the only conversation about himself that matters is the one he's having with himself, ie know how to take power away from bullies) and most importantly remove himself and go somewhere safe. Even if he wasn't wearing makeup you should be having that conversation with him.

 

Advice #1:
You can question him gently but just let him experiment and do as he wishes. Most gay men I know do not dress in drag or wear makeup but it's a personal thing. Who's to say that makeup is masculine or feminine? Have you seen the high heels that old French kings use to wear? And look at their powdered wigs and tell me that is not the "gayest" thing you've ever seen.

Advice #2:
Drugstore makeup is okay. but if you're feeling generous, Mac or Bare Minerals or Sephora are popular.