My son age 15 just announced he is Bi, was my reaction ok??

Hey togmum,

Welcome to EC!

Thanks for being such an understanding and concerned parent of a newly-Out LGBTQ child.

Don't worry about it. Your reaction was just fine. It's hard enough for kids to talk about sexual issues with their parents, let alone tell their parents that they aren't straight. He had to have been extremely nervous, but at least he was able to tell you.

In terms of saying that he might be going through an experimental/developmental stage, that was kind of dismissive and probably made him a bit mad, but it's not an unusual reaction from parents. I have to say, though, that the simple fact that he Came Out to you is a huge show of trust from your LGBTQ child and he almost certainly wouldn't be telling you that he's Bi if he didn't already know that he's queer.

I would tell you that it's not unusual for gay kids to first Come Out as Bi to their parents. Sometimes it's because they haven't completely figured out that they are actually Gay or because they think it will be a lesser "blow" to their parents if they Come Out as Bi. The reality, though, is that only each of us can ever actually know our own sexuality, so you have to just take him at his word. If he doesn't later Come Out to you again as Gay, then continue to take his statement that he's Bi at face value.

One of our biggest fears in Coming Out to parents is that we will disappoint them by not being straight and possibly not being able to live up to our parents expectations of having a 'normal' family. At this point, just be supportive of him and show him that your love is truly unconditional; that his sexuality is not a disappointment to you and that you just want him to be happy.

Right now it sounds like you are still trying to wrap your mind around this, since it came out of the blue. That's fine. Take your time to process this. He's had his whole life to come to terms with his sexuality and this is the first you've even had a reason to think that he might be other-than-straight. Maybe read up on what it means to have a Bisexual son. You might want to download and read the free Our Children pamphlet. And you might want to check out the FFLAG website.

If you want to do some research on bisexuality, I can recommend these sites:

The Bisexual Index | What is Bisexuality?

Bisexual.org

I hope some of that helps.

Please continue to interact with us here on EC. Let us know your questions, issues or concerns and we'll do our best to address them.

 

Hey togmum,

I'm glad if I could help a little.

Again, don't beat yourself up over your one comment about it being a possible phase. From what you described, your overall reaction was just fine.

We can't answer specifics for your son, but if you have general questions or questions about how things 'usually' work for Bi people, just ask us.

Some LGBTQ people understand their sexual orientation from an extremely early age. Others don't realize until much later in life that they are not straight. Many of us realize that we are 'different' around puberty (i.e. generally around age 13) when the hormones start kicking in and we begin to realize our attractions. At the point that we realize that we are 'different' each of us must come to understand and accept our sexual orientation at our own pace. Often, when we realize that we are 'different', we tend to pull back from those closest to us, especially parents. After Coming Out to our parents and being accepted for who we really are, it is often the case that our relationship with our parents becomes stronger than ever. Now, it's possible that your son may never feel comfortable talking to you about issues surrounding his sexuality, but it's equally possible that now that the 'dam has broken' that he will start to open up more to you.

Just some thoughts.

 

Oh, and another website that you might want to check out is PFLAG UK.

 

Hey dont beat yourself up over your reaction, sure you might regret that comment but you were shocked and it was unexpected. I know you want to ask a million questions but if possible please refrain. Just make sure that he knows you love him the same bi, straight, gay it doesnt matter to you. You should be so proud that your son felt able to share that and that you have the kind of relationship that you do

 

It really depends on your kid. If he's not confrontational and doesn't really like to talk about deep or personal stuff like this then maybe 'under-reacting' was what he was going for. That's me in a nutshell, anyways - i don't like confrontation, i'm a very private person, and i hate having the whole room's attention on me.

Hm the last few sentences could have been bad. I mean to some people that might come off as dismissing or invalidating their opinion, dismissing something they themselves mgiht be certain of. I mean i'm assuming you're straight but how did you know you were straight? Its along those same lines. It just comes naturally and the only real difference is in this heteronormative society, figuring it all out can take a bit. He might be certain he's bi or he might not be completely sure himself or maybe he'll figure out sometime later he prefers guys idk. Just like you said, really. But you're right - it might be nothing but then again it could have come off as invalidating.

Despite that, you're overall reaction was good. You said once or twice even that it was okay, you kept it open for further conversation, etc. Anyone would be thrown off and not know what to say if it comes up that suddenly, that out of the blue. He's gotta understand that if he picked that method of coming out. How close are you guys, anyways? Eitherways the fact you made it clear you accept him, you still love him, you're open to talking more with him...kids will never come out and say it but their parents opinion of them still means a lot especially when its about something like this.

 

Overall your reaction seems really supportive. He probably understands that you were caught off guard and didn't mean to be dismissive with that one statement. My parents had a similar reaction to me liking girls and I didn't mind. I think most people feel a lot of anxiety about coming out and if that's the worst part of someone's reaction it's a relief. As long as you don't continue to do/say things that could be considered invalidating he's probably happy with your reaction.

 

I think you did great! You didn't underreact at all, it was pretty good. With what was probably a surprise for you, you might not have had much time to think. And generally, myself and many others appreciate it when people don't make a big deal over coming out. I think you're right though, 15 is an age where people are still experimenting and may not be sure of things like their sexuality. That is pretty much an objective fact.

Really, as long as you're supportive of him, you're fine.

 

I think you did fine for the most part, and will be ok as long as he knows you're supportive.

As far as the "experimental phase" goes, I think this is true for 15 year olds of every sexuality. The only problem is that we only direct this toward kids that are gay or bi. A 15 year old boy who "thinks" he's straight, may very well not be straight at all and is also going through a phase (and in many cases, this actually does happen). I don't think most teenagers TRULY know their sexuality 100%, not even "straight" teenagers, because the teen years are so fluid. I also thought I was bi when I was 15 and turned out that I was gay. So these things do happen, It's just that they can happen to "straight" kids too.

 

Actually, under-reaction is pretty much what I want to happen if or when I come out to my father. Chances are, it isn't a phase, but totally understand that you are considering this possibility.

Personally, first knew around 13 or before, have never flirted with the same sex and never even dated either sex, sooooo I'm about as un-experimental as you can get.

Anyway though, kudos to your reaction.

Hugs awesomeness peace hope and kittens.

 

when i told my mum i was bi she overreacted and told me it was a phase and that is every lgbt childs worst nightmare. when you just said it was all okay he was probably shocked you didnt react in a bad way (from my experience as a 15 year old bi guy as well) he probably just needs a day or two to wrap his head around the fact youre fine with it and im sure he'll be more open and answer questions soon enough. i hope this helps!

 

That's great that it went so well. Your son does check his email, right? I only do because i get email notifications on my iphone. I bet your right and that once the initial awkwardness has worn off, and all of you have had time to process it, everything will go great. He might open up, and he might not. But eitherways it went really well it sounds like.

 

Thank you for being supportive of your son. So many parents are not and it just drives their kids to feel worthless and alone.

Take Care and best of wishes!
Dean

 

That is really fantastic response!

I will say that for me when I was 14 and came out to my mom I did this weird dance. I didn't want to talk about it because duh, but I also wanted to the reassurance from my parents that it was truly okay. Silence after you come out can be easily confused as "ignoring it".

My mom did a beautiful thing. I didn't realize at the time, but it was incredibly helpful for me.

She bought a tiny pride flag and hung it in her room. She didn't tell me about it and we never spoke about it. It was just sort of her silent way to give me my space, but also very firmly let me know that she had my back.

I say that not to make an assumption that that's what your son wants, but just to give you food for thought in case you ever think it might be needed.


Also, even if you are 100% supportive, coming out can be tough for parents too!! You are essentially now in the closet about your kid and you are also going to have to get used to letting other people know that you have a bi son. Its not easy. If you need support, reach out to your local PFLAG group!