How to support my daughter in coming out to extended family?

well wether it is family or not people will judge but the point of family is a safe and reliable place , if they don't believe she is acceptable as who she is or they don't like their own relative for who they are then i say it's their loss . Now i must ask why do you believe they wont be supportive of her , as well people learn and adapt so her coming out can change the way she is viewed and bisexuality on the whole level by them . I am very glad that you are taking this well and i am glad you are supportive of your daughter thank you for that . but i want to say is it better to accommodate them or your daughter ?

 

Well fist off welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. I would suggest waiting til she's a bit older to really come out to everyone but that's just me. I didn't come out til I was 16 to most of my family. Is anyone in the family homophobic? That's an important question. And just remember, as much as you want to protect her from being hurt, you can't protect her from everything. Not everyone is going to accept her because that's just how it is but when she does come across people who aren't so accepting the best thing you can do is be there for her and teach her how to deal with ignorant people (because I think people who can't accept someone being different then them are ignorant).

 

and welcome to ec btw

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm a father of two daughters (having figured out I was gay later in life) and I'm not sure how I would handle this. My oldest is 10, and part of me feels like she's still a little girl. In 2 years will it be necessary to determine her sexual orientation? And if so, is it necessary to talk about it? I don't think so.

I would tend to think that it shouldn't have any bearing on how she interacts with her extended family, because I wouldn't think her interactions at this point in her life would be affected by her orientation. She's their 12 year old neice / grand daughter / cousin / etc. and I'm not sure what benefit there is in telling them.

On the same note, I suppose kids at 12 do start 'dating' to some degree, and references to that might make her uncomfortable if they are only references relating to having a boyfriend, and not a boyfriend OR girlfriend.

I'm thinking this reply hasn't been very helpful at all - but it has caused me to think about how I might react if my daughter was to approach me with this. My intial reaction would be to say "Well, lets talk about it when it matters - i.e. when you are ready to have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend." But I suppose that is being rather dismissive, because it of course would 'matter' to her. So I guess based on that, you should be as supportive as you can, and if she thinks this is something that her extended family should know, then I don't see any harm in telling them.

Parenting is tough.

 

If I were in your situation, I would embrace her sexuality and I would show the members of your extended family that you love your daughter unconditionally. Your actions will influence the actions of your family members. They look to you as an example of how to treat your daughter. Some members of your family may not know what to think of having an openly gay family member, but are more likely to treat her with love and support if you show them that she is still the same girl and your love for her has not changed at all.

 

Hi and welcome to EC. I first want to commend you for finding this site and seeking advice. It sounds like you are a great mom.

I am also a father, who came out a bit later in life. One of my kids is also 12 and going through puberty. To me, the most important thing for your daughter is to instill a sense of pride and self-esteem. Your daughter should feel that there is nothing wrong with her being just who she is. The signals she gets from you and your husband are critical in this regard. By being fully accepting, you are giving her the right message.

However, if you were to tell her that she should hide who she is from her extended family, I think you are sending a not-so-subtle message that there is something wrong with who she is. Rather, if I was in your shoes, I would tell my child that I loved her just the way she was and that she should be proud. I would also commend her for being confident and mature enough to discuss this with me. With respect to the rest of the family, I would tell her that she can, and should, feel comfortable telling anyone she wants, but it is her choice. She does not have to if she does not want to. I would also discuss with her that some people are just not accepting of LGBT people, but that is a reflection on them, not her. The reactions of others does not change what a wonderful person she is.

I did not receive those messages as a child. Instead, I heard that being gay was wrong. It took me until I was over 40 to fully deal with the residual effects of those messages. That is probably why I am particularly sensitive with my kids to instilling positive self-esteem and trying to avoid mixed messages.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

 

I think you should make sure your daughter knows that the decision to come out to extended family is completely and utterly up to her, and that she should not feel obligated if she isn't ready. On the other hand, she may feel ready to tell them, and in that case she needs to know that you're not trying to hold her back from that decision.

One question to ask is whether it is actually necessary for extended family to know. I have been out the closet for a while now, and most of my extended family has no idea, and the ones I've told, well I actually wonder why I did because now it seems so unnecessary. For the most part the extended family probably wouldn't be affected until later years in your daughter's life, and therefore, why drop a bombshell that may or may not cause animosity when there is simply no need for it?

She obviously values your opinion, so based on what you know about your extended relatives, tell her the truth about how you feel about the situation but let her know that the decision is hers and not yours.

 

Coming out to extended family is not that important, in my opinion. The potential loss isn't worth it. I only came out to my parents because I had to...so I would advise that this be kept on a need-to-know basis. Doing so will make her life and relationships with relatives considerably easier.

 

hi i am 13 so about her age; i would wait until she is a bit older (14/15) to tell extended family because they might not take her seriously, and coming out to extended family is not that important in my eyes just make sure they accept LGBT+ people,

make sure your daughter knows she is bisexual for sure as sometimes people realize they are gay or pansexual or straight that's why she should wait a few years.

just love and support your daughter as much as she can! she was very brave to come out to you so young! so cherish that she chose to come out to you.

 

Hi Fiercemomma

It sounds like we are in the same boat. My daughter is also 12 and also bisexual. We live in the middle of extreme Bible-belt rural Missouri, have extreme anti-LGBT family members and neighbors, and all of that is giving me some extreme anxiety. My husband and I absolutely love and support our daughter. My mother and my daughter's best friend also know she is bisexual and they support her as well. My daughter says she does not care whether other people approve or not and as yet has not shown any desire to talk to anyone else about her personal business. She is VERY strong and confident but I still worry. I am worrying about how people will treat her and speak to her. I am afraid that they will shake her confidence and mar her happiness. I am also afraid because of some very negative, violently oriented statements towards LGBT people some locals have made on the local Topix page. I want to protect my daughter, I want her to retain her confidence, I want her to be proud of who she is and live her life the way that makes her happy. I also want to wrap her in a bubble of over-protection and keep all the cruelties of life far away from her. Balancing all of that is making me a bit nuts LOL.

We have talked to her a lot about the closed mindedness of the uber-conservatives in our family and in our part of the country. We have told her that being herself, proudly and without shame might need to be balanced with the same kind of safety-minded awareness of choosing whether to take a short cut through a dark alley or keeping to the well lighted main street. We have also told her that if there was ever an issue of them vs. her she wins every time, hands down, no question, no hesitation, no reservations.

I came to this site a few days ago looking for support and advice on how to deal. How to protect her and support her without screwing things up. Just having found a place to vent and to chat with people who are also going through the same kinds of things is a huge relief. I wish you well with your baby girl.

---------- Post added 10th Jan 2014 at 12:39 PM ----------

ugh - just noticed how old your thread was - that's me for being observant LOL

 

Don't worry, your reply will still be noticed, and it may help someone else.

 

Hi guys,

I'm locking this thread because it's so old and the original poster is not around any more. Do feel free to offer support in more recent threads. Thanks.