14 old son is looking at gay porn. I've got questions.

Well at 14 depending on how isolated the viewing of it is it could be nothing and he could just be trying to figure it out. Or he could just be curious and just going where the links take him xD. I know when i was around that age i did the same thing when i wasn't sure and so did my younger brother (he got caught i didn't xD) but i have since come out and my brother has not and is apparently straight although he knows there wouldn't be a problem if he was gay/bi.

If it seems like he is looking at this stuff a lot then theres a very good chance he could be gay or at least bi and still sorting through it. Where he is now is either
1) he knows you know what he was looking at
2) he knows you know but is clinging on to the delusion that you somehow didn't catch the gay stuff xD

i think it would be safe to go to him and let him know you did see exactly what he was looking at and telling him it is ok. Let him know that wether he is just figuring it out and confused or wether he is gay or bi it makes no difference and that you will love him and treat him the same. Have a good conversation about it and simply from there decide if he is ok with your wife knowing. If he isn't give him time to decide when to tell her for himself.

If he knows you are receptive and accepting then when he does decide to come out (and it may take time or he may find he isn't gay or bi) it will be easier. And in general i think it would speed up the process and make it easier for him in the long run. Being gay/bi can be tough, especially for kids but looking back i think i would have preferred to come out far sooner than i did and one of the most important things in the coming out process is making sure those first people who know are on your side and will support you.

Like i said he will work through things on his own terms so don't necessarily expect him to come out to you immediately or anything (he may not be gay/bi only he knows but it does look like he is) but it would only be beneficial for you to have a talk with him about it all.

I mean the other question is does he know what gay/bi is and does he really understand sexuality? If not you may want to talk with him about it as it may help him sort through how he feels.

---------- Post added 4th May 2011 at 03:21 AM ----------

chips method may be better. Subtly may be the best route, i'm generally more direct about things so my idea may not be as practical xD

 

I'd like to echo Chip's complimenting you for being a good, accepting parent. I'm not sure whether you should tell your wife that your son may be gay. You have two conflicting duties here: the duty to let your wife know about her child so you can better raise him together, and your duty to respect your son's privacy and right to come out when and if he chooses. It ultimately boils down to which you think is more important

 

Most of the good bits have already been said, so I won't rehash them. I will compliment you for finding us and keeping an open mind about everything.

The only other thing I have to add is that if you make gay jokes or anything like that, which is easy enough to do without realizing it, then I'd recommend actively trying to cut that stuff out of your vocabulary. Even if you're overtly accepting, if you're cracking gay jokes or things like that, it might send off mixed signals and make you seem less accepting than you are.

As for telling your wife, that's a tough call. It might be beneficial for your wife to know or suspect so she can check her behaviour and come to grips a bit, but then if she's going to flake out it might be better to hold back. Of course, there is also the question of whether keeping it to yourself or cluing your wife in will be the better thing for your son.

 

I would guess your son is more emotionally close to you than to your wife? Because there can be a chance your son, whenever he comes to terms, will come out to your wife first (usually moms are the loving, understanding type and the first choice between which parent to break the news to first).

If you feel she might have some issues with your son's possible homosexuality/bisexuality, I would advise that building a strong trust relationship with your son should be your top priority, that way he comes to you first rather than her. Your son then would have an ally and your wife can accelerate her path to acceptance when she realizes that not only her son but her husband is OK with it.

I am really happy your son has you as his parent because you go beyond what you're expected to do to help him, we don't really get many parents here asking questions. May God bless you and good luck to you and your family!

Jay.

 

Talk to him. Make sure he understands both that it's okay to be gay and that you don't have any issues with it. I mean literally say those words. Don't hint around it; be direct so there's no misunderstanding there. Then make sure your actions are reinforcing that. I don't mean go out of your way to demonstrate but make sure you aren't dismissive or negative to gay images on television or gay issues on the news, that sort of thing.

When I was 14, my mom found so pictures of naked guys that I had printed off from the web while cleaning my room while I was at school. When I came home, I noticed she'd been in my room and immediately checked on them and found them missing. I went into full panic mode. That night my dad asked me to go with him to Home Depot to help pick up some stuff though really it was just an excuse to be alone in the car to talk.

Instead of being direct and saying what my mom found, he hinted around it without ever saying it. He said that my mom had found some pictures and that she had ripped them up into tiny pieces and thrown them out, that I was too young to be using the internet for porn, and that I was grounded for two weeks because of it.

He never mentioned it was guys. Never mentioned the word gay. Never mentioned that he and my mom had talked about whether I was gay and that they were fine with it. Instead, I took the aversion, the ripping them up, the being alone away from the house and my brothers, the grounding, that my mom was avoiding me, and the tone he was using only when I was in trouble to mean that being gay was a horrible thing and that my parents could never accept it.

At 14, I was not even close to admitting I was gay. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand what I was feeling. I was messing around with my best friend and getting mixed signals from him. I was confused. I had a ton of feelings I had no idea how to handle. I knew that what I was feeling wasn't normal for boys, that my other friends were talking about girls and playboy. I didn't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. I couldn't be gay. It had to just be a phase and if I waited, I'd start liking girls.

Instead, I started getting depressed. I didn't know how to handle that either. Instead, I just took everything and buried it away. I pushed it into a small little part of my mind and dove into schoolwork and academics so I didn't have time to focus on that. I completely severed my friendship with my best friend, became extremely angry with him, and pushed that away.

At 17 when my friends had girlfriends and started having sex with them while I still hadn't even kissed anyone, I pulled away from them and ran to video games and mmorpgs where I could be someone else. The depression was growing and I was still avoiding and pushing it away. Everything was fine.

It wasn't until 21 that I could accept that I was gay. Once I came out to myself, I had to come out to my friends. At that point it was consuming way too many of my thoughts. I would analyze every action I made, every word that I would say making sure it didn't look or sound gay. And then once I came out to myself, all that time was spent thinking about how my friends would react and how to tell them. Once I told them, all that time was spent on how to tell my parents. So things happened a bit faster for me than many of the stories on here. It was only three months between accepting myself to coming out to my parents.

But that mountain of depression and repressed emotions was still there. Coming out but a crack in the dam, but finishing school, my main was of avoiding those issues broke it and it all came crashing down. School was done and I had spent so many years avoiding ever thinking beyond that point. I couldn't think of the future because that meant thinking about being with someone and dealing with who that would be. I'm 25 now and just now getting the help I need and getting better.

Was it all because of my parent's reaction to finding porn when I was 14? No, there were plenty of other negative responses from other sources that helped things along that path. The world was a very different place then and the internet wasn't even close to what it is today. There was no Google, Wikipedia, or YouTube to help me.

But that scene replayed in my mind pretty often whenever I did try to think if I was gay. If my parents had been accepting back then and made it clear it was okay if I were gay, that their reaction was because it was porn and not gay porn, it would have been a big help. I probably would have been able to come out much earlier or at the very least had someone to talk to about many of the issues back when they were much more manageable.

He's 14, looking at porn is a bad thing. He was caught with something he thought was secret and it was put in front of him by his parent. He denied it and took steps to make sure he wouldn't be caught again. Talk to him and make it clear you are okay with it. You just need to do it once and then go on and be a normal supportive dad and subtle back up your words. Even if he isn't ready to accept that he's gay or even if he isn't, that will stick with him.

 

I think those above have said some good words, I agree that if your son is going through denial of being gay then hinting that your accepting will probably go unnoticed.

As above I can see its difficult to know whether to tell your wife or not, I think perhaps rather than directly saying to her, 'I think our son is gay', perhaps when the right opportunity pops up like when there is a gay theme on the tv or somewhere you could bring up the subject and say how difficult it must be for gay kids as they are growing up and how you hope that your children (sorry I dont know if you only have 1 or more) know that they could always come and talk to you about it and that you would be totally supportive and love them just the same gay or straight, that way you havent gone behind your sons back but it might give you the chance to discuss it hyperthetically and help your wife almost come to terms before the time comes.

 

Hi Quail, welcome to EC. I'm just going to look at this point about your mother-in-law and ask a few questions. Was/Is her orientation general knowledge in the family (particularly with your son). This can be a way of opening up dialogues about homosexuality. Your wife had to deal with her mom coming out and that will inevitably come up again when your son comes out to her. Don't do it for him unless he asks for it. This is not something for you to share, its not your secret or revellation to tell, its your son's.

And before everyone jumps down my throat for suggesting keeping things from a spouse.....Yes there are somethings that have their own timings and need to be held in confidence, there's nothing wrong with that. Its a highly sensitive issue for your son and will take time.

 

I don't have anything really to add, but I would like to say that I think it's absolutely wonderful that you are actively trying to get advice and seeking out ways to support your son.
I just think it's really touching.
If all parents were as proactive with their LGBT children, I think it would really be something.

 

Most everything that needed to be said has been said. I know when I was younger, and first looked at porn I would tell myself that I was looking at guys because I was bored and that I wanted to know how my penis compared, or something of the matter and it took me a very long time to accept that I was looking at it because I liked it. 14 can be a VERY difficult age to be gay, because you are just discovering your sexual urges.

One thing I will say is that subtle hints are good, but at some point you need to make it very clear. It can be very confusing sometimes, and when you tell yourself that it's wrong, its hard to believe that there are people who dont.

 

Yeah, I don't have much to say about this that hasn't already been said but I think you're being a really amazing Dad by reaching out for answers and stuff. If he is gay, or bisexual, just let it be known that you're accepting of LGBT rights in his presence on a relatively occasional basis. Trust me, it will totally help him out a ton if he is struggling to accept himself. He has to come out on his own terms and on his own time--and that might be years away, definitely don't force a confrontation with him or anything like that. When he comes out...stress how much you love him and how proud you are of him and stuff like that, and say it often because it can't ever be said enough during times like this.

As for your wife...when your son does come out, you might have to calm her down and console her or something, you know, be there for her. It really is a grieving process I think but everyone will be happier in the end.

 

First off, it's great that you're approaching this calmly. At this point, you know your son is gay, he knows at some level that he is, and he knows that you know. For the next little while, I don't think you need to push it with him, in all likelihood, after some passage of time, he'll come to you and say something like, "You know I'm gay, right Dad?". He's probably worrying about both the reaction of his friends, and then about his relationship with his mother.

The biggest issue at home will probably be with your wife. But I imagine a large part of her discomfort with the subject was about what it meant for the relationship between her two parents. Like in the case of divorce, but even more so, as a child might wonder if their parents were ever really in love at all. It changed her whole thinking about her family structure.

So being gay might have negative connotations for her, so I think you should subtly occasionally raise the issue with her. I'm not sure where in New England you are, but surely it has come up as a political issue as ballot initiative. We're going through a slow shift in the Western world, where over the next twenty years, countries and states will adjust towards a point of thinking of being gay as quite normal, so it does mean that there will be opportunities to raise it with her.

I'd almost have to differ with straal1972. If you've noticed any that's led you to suspect that he might be gay, chances are so has she. So I wouldn't push it with her, but there's a chance that if it comes to point where she finds out long after you now know, it could create more issues for how she thinks about it. So don't say, "I think he's gay", but more of a "What if he were". As in, don't act like you've jumped to the conclusion.

 

Everything has already been said, but, Quail, I have two words for you.
Parenting win.
<3

 

Just to throw another opinion into the mix, i think acting normal is the best thing you can do. You're already doing a good thing be being so accepting, but you might make him nervous if you push to hard to talk about it. My advice would be to relax and he will come out when he is ready or if he is straight and there is some stupid virus on the computer making look like he has been on gay websites, then he wont feel angry at you for thinking he is gay. My mum told me on at least two occasions that it was ok if i was gay and i never felt confident enough to admit it, but then later i felt i could because i knew she was ok with it, sometimes you need time yourself before you can talk to others, even a great parent like you seem to be. Hope my ramblings help.

 

Yeah I just came in here to say this....I'm sure every LGBT individual wishes they had a dad like you!

 

Quail,

I don't have anything to say except that you're an incredible father. Your son is so lucky to have you.

 

Quail, I was in your son's shoes a few years ago and it's a humiliating place to be. My parents didn't seem to know what to make of the situation, but it seems like you at least realize that your son's sexuality is developing and that he's probably just as confused and nervous as you are. It's wonderful that you support your son no matter what. I wouldn't tell anyone about this; it's up to your son to come out when he's ready, and bringing up the porn will definitely embarrass him. Good luck and thank you for being there for your son.