my son just told me he thinks he's gay.. don't know how to deal with it

Hello there! I am so glad that your son had the courage to tell you that he is gay, especially at the age that he is. 14 is a very young and confusing age, that was how old I was when i told my Mother I was Bisexual. It's great to hear how well you took it, I know you cried and the thought was hard at first but you are a great parent for having that unconditional love for your son. You remind me a lot like my own mother who told me the same thing you told your son, that you love him and you will get through this.

It brought tears to my eyes reading your post because you reminded me so much of my mom and how much I love her. As for your son and what people will think of him. It will be hard for both of you at first but with your support (and hopefully your husbands support) your son will overcome the hurtful things people say and will be able to function normally. Just help each other get through it together. I am sure that when he feels comfortable enough to bring a boyfriend home to meet the family both you and your husband will love your son even more. He is a brave kid, and you are an awesome parent. There aren't enough parents like you in the world.

Best of luck to your family (*hug*)

 

Hi there!

First off, take a deep breath, everything's gonna be okay. Your son is still the same boy he was 10 minutes before he came out to you, and he shouldn't be treated any differently. This can be a hard time in a parent's life, but you'll learn to come to terms with it.

You should trust your son on his call of course, because at this age, most of us have figured out what sex we are attracted to, and 14 is definitely a common age to figure things like these out. Even though he is young, this is something he was born with, and during puberty he must've realized it.

You, as a parent, should always be concerned for your child's future, but rest assured, his future is going to be what his heart desires, and although it's hard to accept, I know that you know that in the end, it's his future to decide.

Here's a website you can read more about understanding what it is your son is going through: PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays

 

Your son is still you, and I think it's wonderful you took it quite well. The best part from this is you will be able to have an open and honest relationship with your son. My parents didn't find out from me until I was 22, and I'll admit that there are times I wish I could have told them earlier (though I tried, it just didn't go so well but that's another story). The great thing is as long as you stay open, your son will know he can come to you instead of hiding things. While I understand that it will take some time for you and, once your husband knows, your husband to come to terms with it, as long as you keep that communication open. I realize in the future (you very well may not have to worry about it just yet) when your son has a boyfriend that may also take some time, but again in everything with your son's life, as long as you stay open and keep that communication going, there is nothing you as a family can't handle. I'd definitely also take a look at the link Lithium posted as it could very well help you especially if there is a chapter in your city.

I wish you much luck and love for being such a caring and understanding mother. <3

Revan

 

The pamphlet that HauntedLithium has suggested is a good read. Take a look at it and think clearly as to what is being said.

Byond that. I will be as honest as possible. First of all I am vey proud of the fact that you are here. You are a parent that some of us wish we had, and for that I commend you. Your concerns are valid. Your son, without a doubt will be treated differently. However, society has become more and more accepting of homosexuality in recent years. Take some time to process this for yourself before taking to your son.

I would suggest foremost that what your son needs is your support and understanding. Listen to what he has to say, really listen. Put all your fears, worries, biased opinions, etc... behind you and LISTEN to him. This is the most important thing you can do right now. Nothing can be worse for a 14 year old than his own mother not being accepting. I dont want you to think that I am implying that you wont listen and understand, I am however telling you this is the top priority.

As a note on the future, your son is young, he may in fact e gay. Or he maybe be having feelings that are just "new." Either way, you need to be there side by side and take everything as it comes. There maybe a day where he starts dating girls, great if thats how it turns out to be then so be it. No matter which way it turns out you are the sole person he chose to go through this with.

You asked...

>why do I care what other people think?
Because your a mother. This is what mothers do. And by you coming to EC your are continuing to protect your son. There is nothing wrong with this, it only shows you care.

Also, you stated

>I feel very helpless at the moment. Especially since I don't think its a good idea to tell my husband yet..

You have come to the right place. EC is very resourceful and the people here are sooo willing to help. As far as your husband is concerned, DONT tell him. If you tell him you betray the trust that your son believed he had to come to you with all this in the first place. You can however, suggest to your son that all of you get together and listen to what he may have to say.


I wish you and your son the best of luck. Welcome to EC and if you need anything, please ask our community is one of a kind .

 

Like everyone said, being able to just admit all of that is an incredible step. Your son is lucky to have a mom who is willing to make an effort, when there are so many of us out there who haven't had such luck.

The biggest thing I can say is that you need to just be there. I tried to come out at 14 and I can tell you, it is the scariest thing you can imagine. My attempt failed and ended with a strained relationship with my parents, and a self-esteem that was completely destroyed and would take years to rebuild. Just let him know that you love him and that you will ALWAYS love him, no matter what. Be there for him to talk to. The link Kevin provided is a great place to start for you to comprehend and understand.

Just remember that he is probably scared out of him mind right now, and he needs you. Being there for him is all that matters.

 

the best thing you can do is just be there for him and let him know that you love him unconditionally. if you are religious do not try and beat him over the head with scriptures and condemnation. if you are religious check out "for the bible tells me so" its a great documentary about 3 or 4 families that dealt with their kids coming out and they were christians. the gephardts are interviewed on it as well as they have a gay daughter.

now here's where some people may differ in opinion. at 14 there's so much emotions and hormones running through you. you are testing the waters and learning about yourself. also it is normal for kids to have attractions to other peers of the same sex during this age. however, that does not in and of itself make someone "gay". i know for me at that age i started having crushes on guys but i also liked girls but because i had the guy crushes i automatically thought, "omg, i must be gay". really i believe most humans fall on a scale of sexuality with noone really be 100% gay or straight. i woudl encourage him not to label himself right now because people sometimes go through liking same sex and not and back and forth. this is when they are finding out about theirselves, their bodies, what they like and dont like. it's perfectedly normal. if he is comfortable talking to you about it, maybe you can ask what makes him think he is gay. maybe have open dialogue about it but DO NOT make it sounds like you are suggesting that "oh this is phase, you're not like this, you are just confused." that will only confuse him more and make him feel rejected. just let him know that you are there to talk to him. now as far as the husband, he swore you to secrecy but honestly maybe you and the son shoudl talk about when it's right to tell dad or maybe you can the son know you can easse the wheels with dad. i'm not sure how things work in your family but not sure this is good to keep from his father. but father sometimes take this bad and start trying to "butch the kid up" as a way to "fix" him and there's nothign wrong with him. this pressure can be very very very damaging.

the most important thing is that he knows you love him and that he is ok and you're there for him in this time and that you want him to talk about things with you. kids at this age experiment sexulaly, so whether gay or straight, at some point you all should start talking about sex practices and what to watch out for. just being real.

---------- Post added 5th Aug 2011 at 12:31 AM ----------

as far as the dad thing.....he trusts you adn told you not to tell. dont tell. be there for the son. listen to him. ask him how does having these feelings make him feel. does he get down about it? is he ok about it? is he confused about them? dont interrogate him but try and find out more info to see where he's at. every family is different and im not sure how your family handles things where kids say "dont tell". it's a difficult line to walk. just know that this can be a very very very confusing and scary times for teens and often they may have thoughts of suicide as well. not saying your son does and i pray not. but it coudl be a something that he feels so down about inside that he sees no way out. that's why pressure, condemnation, arguing, name calling, parents acting like they are disappointed in their kids...all of that can lead to further damage to the kid going through this. so whatever you and your son decide in terms of telling the dad, just make sure that the dad isn't going to fly off the handle before hand. i dont think i would tell the dad unless i got the ok from teh kid that it was ok to tell.

 

It's truly wonderful on your part how you're able to know that you'll love your son no matter what his sexuality is. It's an attitude that will one day become common place.

Anyway, fourteen is a very confusing age for anyone so it sounds right that he would be thinking he's gay at such a young age. I was twelve when I first thought about guys and it was a semi-regular thing I had for years, before I finally admitted it to myself. If your son is actually gay and feels it's the right time to come out for him, then that's great.

Whatever happens, it sounds like you'll support him all the way, which is a good thing and as you are clearly an understanding parent, you can help him out in whatever way possible.

Good luck to the both of you.

 

I was 16 when I first came out and my mom was the first person I told. I too didn't have any friends.

My advice would be to continue being there for him. It's up to him when he wants to tell other people. Just support him, listen to him, and be there for him. It'll be hard and scary, but that's the best thing you can do right now.

Also, you're an awesome mom!!!

 

Welcome to EC!

Like everyone else already mentioned, you are doing an amazing thing by just getting online and asking for help. You have no idea how many parents decide to tackle the subject without any help.

People have already covered the main points, so I'm just going to say that you should feel proud of both you and your son. Yes, your son is gay, but the fact that he was able to trust you enough to tell you shows just how well you raised him and the kind of parent that you are; the kind that his son knows will be there for him no matter what.

There are tons of resources for you to dig into so feel free to start reading as much as you want about it. The more you know the better you can handle it. PFLAG (the main support group for parents in the US) has already been mentioned and there are tons of amazing books out there for parents.

The other thing that I will say is that, mostly likely, your son is not going through a phase. While most teenagers experiment and go through a phase of curiosity, the fact that your son had the NEED to tell you about his feelings means that this is more than just a phase and its something that he just knows.

Go and talk to your son, ask the questions that you may have and really listen to what he has to say. He needs you and its about him right now. The rest of the world can come late, but he needs you at this very moment more than ever. Let him know that you will be there for him and that he can count with you for whatever life throws at him, and then show it. That alone will make the whole difference in the world for him. A kid, doesn't matter the age, can handle anything life throws at him as long as they have their family standing behind them

 

The 1st thought that came to mind was...oh how I wish my mom was more like you. I can't really see me ever coming out to my parents - they'll literally have strokes.

It's people like you and your son that give me faith in humanity!!! The fact that you're here already says that you're more than ready to take on whatever is coming your way!! Keep it up and take it easy! You're an AWESOME mom! Your son is awesomely brave! And from the sound of things, you and your son will have an awesome relationship! Damn... I'm getting all emo!!!

 

Welcome to EC.

As everyone have said, you are a good parent, but also a brave parent. As mentioned before, this is the best place to get answers you seek.

As to what you would say to your son? Well that depends on you, you know the relationship between you two. But the fact that he told you first just shows me that you are very close. Speak to him like you would normally have spoken to him if he were straight. That's the best thing you can do. It is the only way to show to him that your relationship with him didn't change at all.

Take him to his room, close the door and take his hands in your. Tell him face to face what you told him over the phone. Give him a very motherly hug and tell him that if at any time he feels unease or need to talk to someone, that you will be there for him, no mater what.

You can even maybe tell him about EC and that alone is a good thing, it will show him that you are really there to support him and help him to come to grips with it. It will show to him that you are willing to go though this with him. It will be the best thing that have happened in his life.

As about your husband, I agree with the rest, do not tell him or it might be seen as betrayal in his eyes. But you know your husband better than him. You will know when is the best time to tell him. Then you can tell your son when you think it will be good to tell his father. I will also suggest that both of you talk to him, that you will be his moral support. What you can do maybe, is if you are friends with any gay people in your community, to get him also to talk to your son about it. i know your town is small, but there could be one. a family member might also be a good idea. If you have a family member, like a cousin or so, you can ask the cousin to come and stay for a weekend or so. See what is your husband's reaction is towards that person and that also will tell you whether he will accept it or not... It is a good indicator. Besides your son needs to talk to someone who has gone through this and that will help your son to come to grips with his decision.

Good luck and remember we are there when ever you need a helping hand.

 

Welcome to EC!

You got a lot of good information above already, but I think it can never be a bad thing to add my own view to the mix.

Like the others said, it's not really unusual to figure out you're gay at age 14. I sure knew that what I felt for boys was way stronger than anything I ever felt for girls at age 12 or 13. I fought it for 12 years afterwards, but looking back, I really already had all the information to know back when I was in middle school. Back then, the existance of gay people (let alone the fact that they could be openly gay and yet lead a fulfilling life) wasn't as known as it is now (you sure didn't see it on TV and the internet was still too new to be of use). Nowadays, however, kids know that being gay is not all that abnormal, and come out earlier and earlier.

So, while he might still have some soul-searching to do, I think he knows what he's saying. People usually only come out after exploring all other options.

It's also interesting that he texted you when you were both away. Probably he was hoping that if you would react well, you'd be open for a talk upon returning, and that if you wouldn't react well, he has some days of not seeing you while you can get used to the idea and cool down (coming out does tend to make you think in strategic ways like that).

So far you've done great, though! Letting him know this doesn't change anything is exactly what he needed to hear. Giving him (and yourself) a coupel of days to get used to the idea that he's gay and you know will probably help both of you in formulating the right questions and points to talk about when you get home.
When you get home, don't be afraid to ask him any questions you might have ("when did you know", "did you tell any others yet?" and similar questions are pretty normal at this point).
He probably has been thinking about what to say already, and will have figured a lot out himself. Reading that PFLAG document linked above is also a good idea.

As for telling others (dad, family, even more others), I'd let him decide when he tells them or allows you to tell them.
When telling others, the best approach is to try and not making it a big deal. If you tell it as: "OMG our son is gay and I don't know what to do!" then your husband will be more likely to see it as a problem. If you say it as: "Our son told me he is gay and wanted me to tell you. We've already talked about it and I'm pretty sure that this is real and that with our support he can be happier and be open about who he is", then it's at least a bit easier for him to avoid freaking out himself when he sees you have the siuation under control, so to speak.

As for his future: it's normal to worry for parents (my mom worries for my straight brother just as much as for me, I'm sure). I won't lie: being gay is not always all that easy. Though one thing I know for sure is that it's far better to be out and tackle the problems that come with that than to be in the closet and live every moment trying to be someone you aren't. That last way lies only a long road towards depression.


Last but not least, some other things that might help are to contact your friend, and ask her how she dealt with it. She will probably understand the need for secrecy (for now), and could be a good risk-free support.

And, if your son doesn't have a lot of friends, and could use some more support with coming to grips with his sexuality/coming out, don't hesitate to show him EC. We're all here to help!

Congrats on being a good mom, and best of luck! (*hug*)

 

So your son is gay, that's great! Nothing to get worked up about. It's really not that big a deal. As for society and friends and such, I'm sure he will manage.

It's actually kindof funny that you would say he's "only 14" so how would he know. Well...you think about when you were 12; I'm sure you had crushes on boys then. He's probably been crushing on boys for 2-3 years now and if he liked girls I'm sure he would know.

 

Hi and welcome to EC from another parent with sons. You have received great advice above, and I won’t repeat it. But, it may be helpful to tell you what happened to me as a kid when I received very negative messages from my parents about being gay.

I have very sharp memories as a kid in the 1970’s hearing anti-gay comments from my parents. Gays were publicly ridiculed. There were no gay role models for me. I internalized all of this and concluded gays were bad people. I was not a bad person, so I could not be gay, or so I thought. Yet, I remember in junior high, when I was as young as 12 or 13, realizing there was something different about me. I had no desire for a girlfriend. And, for reasons I could not understand, I really was attracted to boys. It was very disconcerting to me, and there was no one I could talk to about it.

Things did not change as I grew older, although I had a better idea that I was gay. Nonetheless, I still repressed it because I could never admit to something that I was taught was so wrong. Despite trying to lead a straight life by marrying and having kids, I was still gay. I was also seriously depressed. I hated myself for being gay. It ate me up inside. At times, I did not want to go on living, despite what looked to people on the outside to be a wonderful, perfect life - beautiful wife, great kids, good job, etc.

Only after my marriage fell apart did I finally come to terms with being gay. It took me years of therapy to get over the self-hating and depression. Now, I have never been happier. And, contrary to all of my fears, I am still just as successfully professionally, if not more so. The only difference is I can just go about being myself.

Sorry if this was long-winded, but my point is that how your son adjusts to being gay will in large part be dictated by how you and your husband deal with it. By letting him know there is nothing wrong with being gay and that you will always love him, you will allow him to develop positive self-esteem, which is crucial to his future happiness. And, just because he is gay does not mean that he can’t live a happy, wonderful life.

As for concrete steps, here are a few things you can do:

1. Honor his request and not tell your husband. Let your son do it when he is ready.

2. Read the pamphlets available on the PFLAG website, and let him know that you have done so. You will learn important information about what it means to be gay and how you can best support our son. You may also learn things that will allow you to answer questions your son may have. There are also a number of good books available for parents with gay kids, and I think some of the titles are mentioned on the PFLAG site.

3. Consider joining your local PFLAG chapter and, at some point, attending a meeting with your son. Let him see you support him, not just by your words but also by your actions.

4. Let your son know about this site. It is a great resource, and there are people on here who understand what he is going through and can offer him advice and support. While kids need that from their parents, they also need it from peers.

Please know that if you handle this well, your son will grow up to be a healthy, happy and well-adjusted young man, with a bright future ahead of him. And, what more can we ask for our kids futures.

 

You are an amazing mom, and you are doing all the right things at this point. Yes, you cried, but that's okay. There is nothing wrong with being emotional when faced with something like this. It's to be expected, frankly.

If your son came to you in this way, he trusts you, and he is hoping for you to accept him, but he is clearly scared of the reaction he may get as well, so you definitely did the right thing by letting him know that this will not change anything and that you still love him. When you do get the chance to speak to him in person, I would absolutely suggest reinforcing the sentiments you have already made about how you still love him and nothing has changed and how you will still be there for him no matter what. That is really one of the most important things you can do for him right now. As others have suggested, if he is just beginning his coming out journey, EC might be a great place for him, so feel free to suggest it. Also, feel free to ask you questions that you have. The more you can understand him and where he is coming from, the easier it will be for you to understand and respect the fact that his sexuality is different from what you thought or expected.

As for your concerns, yes he is young, but if he is dealing with coming out to you, he is probably quite sure of the fact that he is gay. He may even be at a point where there is a particular boy he is interested in and he feels like he needs to tell you before pursuing anything. That may not be the case, but it might be. It's not uncommon at all to understand your sexuality relatively well at 14, but it sure is scary when that sexuality isn't "the norm." The fact that he has come to you with this is a sign of the relationship you must have, because it is so scary to come out to a parent even when you aren't dependent on that parent. It has to be even harder and scarier when you know you are dependent on that parent. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you thinking about how other people will react as long as you don't let that cloud your own reaction and come across as a judgment of him from you. It is normal for a parent to be worried about their child whenever they make a big change, announcement, decision, etc. Although this is who he has been all along and he did not decide to be gay, him choosing to be more open about it is a big decision and change, so it is to be expected that you as his mother would be concerned about how this change will affect his life.

You are absolutely right that you should not tell your husband. It is your son's job to decide who to come out to and when. If he wants your help with telling other people, then great, but he may not. He may want to do it himself. Coming out is a big deal, and it's very emotionally draining. He may just need to give himself time to deal with the fact that the coming out process has started before moving on to telling other people. You can always tell your son that you respect his request not to tell his father for now, but if/when he is ready, you would be more than willing to help him talk to his father or to talk to him together if it would help. That way he knows he has your support when he is ready but that you aren't going to out him before he is ready. That would probably be a huge relief to him.

Once again, let me echo my sentiments that you are an amazing mom, and you clearly care about your son. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here trying to get help in dealing with this in the right way. You are already doing so well, so much better than some parents, and you are only looking for advice to do even better. You have absolutely come to the right place. Don't be afraid to ask more questions throughout this process. We absolutely understand that just as this is hard for your son to deal with, it's also hard for you, and while he has had time to process this, you are just beginning that journey and you will probably have many questions.

 

Honestly, I can't think of anything to add to what you've already been told by our fantastic community! However, I would like to join in the chorus of people who are all essentially saying the same thing: "You are a FANTASTIC PARENT!!!!!!" By being accepting of your son immediately and by seeking out help in a situation where you aren't fully confident of what you should do, you've done something thousands of parents will never do! (I know mine haven't so far, that's for sure)

 

I hope you share the site with your son, so you both can help each other while also getting useful information, remember he is coming out you are not, this is all about your son he chose to come out to you, not his father not the family, you have to wait till hes ready untill then continue loving him and dont force discussions he will come to you.

 

Your son took a chance, so the only thing you can do is make his chance worth it, and having supportive parents makes a huge difference, and will probably be enough to get him past the possible struggles with everyone else.