Teen caught viewing gay porn, what now?

First of all welcome to EC! I think its awesome of you to go on a forum to get answers and/or support. It sound to me he is still trying to figure it out for himself. Maybe you want to just tell him you are there for him if he wants to talk and leave it like that and not bring it up again until he is ready to talk to you and your wife about it.

As far as you and your wife you may want to see if there is a PFLAG chapter in your area. When I was coming to terms I went to several meetings and they were very helpful. Many of the people that were there were parents of gay or questioning children. Along with being on EC its good to talk to others that have gone through similar situations that you are. You and you wife may want to read 'Our Daughters, Our Sons' by PFLAG. http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Daughters_Sons.pdf
A lot of members, including myself gave it to our parents when we came out to them.

It sounds like you would love him still if he is gay. Which is great and you should love him no matter what. If it turns out he is be there for him. Life for gay people is getting better. Society is changing with there view on gays. As far as being promiscuous I don't believe in that stereotype. Teens will be teens. When and if you have the sex talk with him bring up the use of condoms and the proper use of them. There is a section on EC on safe sex. You may want to read it and or have your son read it if the need arises.

As far as computer restrictions, that is something that you and your wife need to work out. It sounds like you have a rule against porn if that is the case then let him know its something that you don't approve of.

 

I'm on the exact opposite side of this. I'm 17 and my dad just found the gay porn on my computer. I'm like your son in that I really don't want to be gay. At the same time I can't stop looking at the porn. I hate it and I hate myself for it but it is terribly hard to stop. I deleted everything I had downloaded but a few days later I found myself back on the sites. I don't think I could handle another confrontation with my dad about it though. I'm hoping that it is just a stage in my life. That is viewing porn, not being gay. I've accepted that I may be gay and am ok with that but I really want to stop my addiction. Unfortunately, I think it is something I have to work out myself. Maybe its the same with your son, but its a delicate and personal matter and one that you don't want a parent involved in, even if they should be. I think that it is normal to be looking at porn and if you're gay, then gay porn. This is a critical time in my life and your sons to be finding who they are. I don't know if this helps at all. I'm just as lost in the matter as you are.

 

I understand your trepidation in regards to online porn, so your banning of it within your household is sensible as well as age-appropriate.

I think that he continues to view porn as a way to release his feelings. Telling him that he would still be loved were he to be gay was a great step to take. However, he most likely has a desire to explore the gay community and this is what is causing him to disobey you.

Since restricting his computer usage is something no teen wants to experience (Knowing people are watching his every move is kind of awkward. I know feel weird if people stand and watch me on Facebook), I would suggest you might want to find a way for him to join Empty Closets.

I believe he is going through a lot of emotions and is worried about what he is feeling. If he could see a side of the "gay community" that isn't the warped view porn presents it might help him out a bit.

 

I'm a bit concerned. You don't want your son to be gay? I realize that whether or not he IS gay hasn't been nailed down yet, but I really don't think you have a choice about it and neither does he. You seem to be relying on an awful lot of stereotypical info here. Before you go off confronting your son, you might want to examine your own feeling/attitudes about this. Cutting him off from porn (or any other action on your part) will do little to affect his sexuality in terms of being straight or gay if you're concerned about that.

As for the porn itself, that's a different problem altogether. I don't know what to say there. One one hand, online porn depicts an entirely unrealistic view of human sexuality, and given your past troubles, I can entirely understand your concern over this. On the other hand, he IS 15 and I've never met a 15-year-old who wasn't curious or who would pass up an opportunity to view porn in some form. When I was 15 I wouldn't have, and neither would any of my friends (who incidentally were all straight). It's kind of a given. I don't think any of our lives have been adversely affected by the experience, and I don't think I've ever met teenager whose life has been turned upside down by it (and I've met quite a few.)

 

What popped out in my head is he said he had no interest in male/female porn. Any straight or bisexual guy would naturally show interest in girls. Hell, lesbian porn was my go to fantasy a lot. Gay porn seems to do it more porn wise because the actors don't seem like they're acting and are just enjoying it. Girls seem... fake in porn... like they don't like what they're doing. Thus I found personal fantasies about girls > gay porn > porn with girls. Girls catch my eye the most in a sexual way while out and about. While guys can catch my eye, it's often not in that same sense of instant sexual attraction.

I think it can be especially confusing being young and being really bisexual. I thought I was a weird straight guy back then because I had developed crushes on both my fellow male and female peers. I had no idea what was going on. Different times somewhat. But I think that can still be confusing.

I think the key way to finding out if you're son is bi or gay is:
1) Do girls or guys catch his attention more when out and about? Be careful though since this does fluctuate, bi's call it the "ebb and flow." Experiencing attraction a lot more fluidly. If his eye is only really for guys - he's gay.
2) Is it just that the male/female porn isn't doing as much for him in relation to gay porn? Or do gay fantasies intrigue him more than fantasies with girls? If fantasies about girls does nothing for him - he's gay. If girls do something, but not a lot in comparison - he's still bi, but leans more towards guys.

Not the case for all, just my take:
It's really hard to admit to liking guys to our fathers, it makes us feel like we're less masculine in his eyes when all we want is to be more masculine to make him proud. I think being there for him and helping him through this, while instilling that it doesn't make him any less of a man in your eyes - will be helpful. It's funny really because sons don't want their fathers there because we want them to see we can do things on our own, while another part of us still wants him around. Same as anything else really.

 

I know my parents have been through some of the same things regarding me, so I'll try and help from the perspective of both ages.

First, your son is gay, and its great that you're being as accepting as you can be. The most important thing you can tell him is that you still love him regardless, and thats what you've done. I suppose your feelings of revulsion are just to do with shock, and they will fade. There is really nothing wrong with being gay, and about 10% of people are LGBT.

You're worried about STDs. This is understandable, especially considering the stereotypes about gay men. There is of course a risk of STDs, but as long as safe sex is practiced, its virtually impossible to catch anything. Your son isn't going to be going around sleeping with men while he's 15 and questioning, so you don't have to worry about it right now, but when you feel comfortable to do so, just sit down and discuss safe sex and make sure he understands how important it is.

On the subject of porn, I can understand how this is a problem for you. However, it can be a useful tool for the questioning teenager, and so I wouldn't really recommend restricting it. He knows about your troubles regarding porn, and its likely he won't make the same mistake because of it. I think, and I believe that many here share my view, that porn can be a good thing. It can be misrepresentative of bodies and of sex in general, but it certainly has good aspects to it. Stop checking his internet history, and leave the subject alone IMO. He has the right to privacy. I know I would have been extremely pissed off if my parents had circumvented my security measures and violated my privacy to check my internet history for porn.

 

I agree completely.

 

The most important thing here is that before confronting him, you and your wife both agreed that you love your son no matter what. He may upset and confused and unsure himself, and there may be some rough times ahead, but you have your priorities straight.

Based on the responses he gave you, he may be looking at porn to figure out what exactly is going on with him. It's entirely possible - in fact, I'd say likely - that he isn't entire sure that he's gay yet, or if he's bisexual, or if he's something else entirely. And while it's good that you had a talk with him, he might not have been ready to come out to you because he doesn't quite know himself.

Because he's a teen and underage, the porn rule is good - you don't want him to have an unrealistic view of people and relationships. In the mean time, like others have said, try getting him on EC! Same sort of anonymity, but much more helpful and underage-safe.

 

Regardless of how you feel about it, if your son is gay or bisexual he always will be. The only thing you can do is accept it and love him for it, because he isn't going to change and even trying to make him will only drive a wedge between the two of you. If anything, that's what will split your family apart. You need to be supportive of him and reiterate that on a somewhat frequent basis.

The rule-breaking, the urinal, whatever, none of that is relevant at all to his sexuality. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this, and you really shouldn't feel any sort of loss for him either. Some gay men are promiscuous, but there's plenty that aren't. There are millions of gay people out there literally begging for permission to get married and settle down. We can adopt, we can have surrogates. There isn't anything your son can't do. So what is there to mourn, really?

He could have a hard road ahead of him, you're right to be worried about that. There are bigots out there. There are homophobes out there, but you need to encourage him to face down adversity, and he needs to know that his family is behind him. Myself and other posters on EC are so strong because of what we've gone through and experienced in our youth and even today. We are all baptized in the fire. He'll be a better person because of it, but he won't ever get there without support.

I think you were definitely right to ban the porn, but he's going to want exposure to the LGBT community. Maybe you should consider getting him some gay-themed movies (not porn), or books, or taking him to pride someday or something like that. He needs positive role-models that are just like him. He has to come to terms with it just as much as you do, and it won't happen any other way.

 

I've really taken an interest in this topic because I'm in your sons position. I agree with everyone above in that porn is really not the big issue here. He needs to know that you still look at him the same and love him just as much.
I was forced to come out when my dad discovered the porn I had. It wasn't ideal for me but what happened happened. The great part of the whole mess was hearing my dad say he still loves me. I understand its hard for him and my mom because they never wanted a gay son, but they are still here for me.
I know they are suspicious of me now though. Whenever I'm in my room I know that they think I'm watching porn. They constantly check up on me know and question why my room is locked. I guess that just comes as penalty for what I did.
Ultimately, he is still you son. He is the boy you raised. The kid that is part of you. This is probably not the time in life when he wants to talk about this or deal with these feelings. He probably really doesn't want his parents questioning him when he still doesn't know who he is. I wish my parents would just forget about it and let me come out and talk about it when I'm ready, not when they are. Support and love you son as you always have

 

Since this is the case for you. Then you need to relay this to your son as to why you don't want him to be viewing porn.

 

Restricting his access to the computer is a really really bad idea. As you know, the internet isnt only about accessing porn but it is also about accessing places such as this. If you restrict him to only being on the computer when you are around, then he will never feel comfortable enough to, for example, come to a forum such as this.

You must be careful not to clip his wings. Hes not a little kid any more. Hes in his mid-teens - of course he is going to be interested in porn and exploring his sexuality!
Are you going to ban him from watching porn forever? You had a bad experience with porn, but instead of banning him from it altoghether why dont you teach him what you have learned so he can avoid making the same kind of mistake as you did?


If I were you, I would show him this forum and support the shit outta him. He backed down really quickly when you confronted him about gay porn. I dont believe, for a moment, that he was being honest with you (or himself) about it. I'm not saying hes gay, I'm just saying that he wont tell you the truth until he has figured it out for himself. Let him explore - if you dont, this will continue on for longer than it needs to. There is nothing else constructive for you to do.

Lift the ban on him watching porn. Do it right now. Reasons ->
Because you have banned him from watching porn after this incident occurred:

• He will believe that you are indirectly condemning his possible homosexuality.
• He will find a way of watching it anyway and he will not have you to guide him.
• He will build up a wall and he will confide in you much less.

Is that all quite clear?

 

This post addresses your concern about disease. Read all of it, lest you get the false impression that I'm agreeing with your notion that your son should "turn straight."

I'll give you the honest truth that gay men are much more vulnerable to diseases, particularly the HIV virus. Saying otherwise is politically correct cover-up, and I'm tired of hearing it because it's leaving more young gay men to die by giving them the sunshine illusion that, biologically, they are at no greater risk than their straight brethren. There's a mass campaign originating in the far-left that tries to erase the notion that HIV is not "our disease" (as it relates to gay men.) It is "our disease." It's going to be "our disease" until scientists get rid of it. If you look up the statistics on this matter, almost 20% of gay men are infected with the HIV virus. This isn't a matter of politics; it's just the nature of anal sex. You also see rising incidences of HIV in straight couples for this very same reason, anal sex is less of a "taboo" or "sin" and pockets of promiscuous straight people are developing HIV for this same reason. It's not the sexuality nor is it the promiscuity so much as the kind of sex that gay people are having.

So that's why you shouldn't pass judgment on your son merely because he is gay. Social ills don't cause HIV, but social solutions can put an end to it. That's why I have some good news for you. 99% of HIV cases result from careless, uneducated buffoonery. As a parent, you must take a proactive role in educating your son. Encouraging him to be straight is ineffective. You can prevent your son from being in the 20% by encouraging him to practice safe sex with partners he can trust are HIV-negative. It's not just HIV either. The leading cause of oral cancer has shifted from tobacco use to HPV. All other things considered, "barebacking" leaves you at risk for UTIs due to natural intestinal flora. You have to tell your son to always, always, always, always, always wear a condom. Even in a relationship. Unsafe anal sex is five-bullet Russian Roulette, no matter how much you think you trust your partner. That's male or female (straight people are hardly paragons of chastity.)

 

Re porn...
1) If he chooses to disobey, you can't really ban it anyway, not without measures that would do him more harm than good. If US is anything like Europe in this regard, it's RIDICULOUSLY EASY and relatively cheap to get an internet connection of his own you won't even know exists these days. So, are you really prepared to obsessively watch his every step like a paranoiac stalker? Because that's what it takes.

2)Perception that "since all porn is illicit anyway, who cares about fine distinctions?" may lead him down the very path you're so terrified of.

So, although, believe me, I freaking hate myself for saying that, a compromise must be worked out.

As other people have said, there are other, non-porn depictions of homosexuality, including books, movies, magazines, TV and whatnot. Not being an American, I can't recommend any whats, wheres or hows, but I'm sure someone will.

Even more important is factual information, both for you and your son. The kind of "birds and bees lecture" he won't get from you, because, well, you have no experience of the all the kinds of birds and bees that might fly in his world.

This is a very difficult time for you, full of tough decisions, but believe me, your son is in for MUCH tougher times than you probably realize. Ultimately, the only person that can solve this riddle is him, so don't try to solve his every problem for him, but show him your support, trust and pride in him, whatever happens.

 

And when I was young, it was very easy to be able to find it, usually through someone else you knew, like a friend's father or brother who kept a hidden stash that was eventually discovered or someone had some hidden in a bookbag or something. Didn't have access to it all the time mind you, but it was certainly accessible once in a while and I'm sure it was more widespread than the adults in our lives were made aware of. I'm pretty sure none of those people (who are adult now) are any worse off for it. Heck, it was one of the ways I discovered my own sexuality (none of girls in the pics did anything for me. The guys however... well...)

I believe that what you described DID happen to you and I totally understand where you're coming from as a parent. However, I have to wonder how much damage is caused by the mere cultural attitude and mindset towards porn, as opposed to the exposure to the porn itself. There IS a cultural component when approaching it. Perhaps that's the source of our differing points of view.

You should try spending some time in Quebec. You would have access to late-night french television programming in the form of "Bleu Nuit" which is a favorite of most teen boys, and is available here as well. It is uncensored and quite explicit from an american point of view. Most french parents' attitude towards their sons' interest in this show can be summed up in one word: "Meh". Their sons' sexual interest in the programming is simply an expected reality and nothing to be concerned about.

English-speaking families around here tend to be more conservative in their views. They might not outwardly agree with their teens seeing the material, but at the same time tend to look the other way when the situation obviously presents itself. In other words, "Boys will be boys."

No offense intended to you, sometimes I find american attitudes towards sex to be a bit... puritan. It seems like everyone does it, but no one wants to acknowledge it, especially not in front of their kids, God forbid, it might warp their teenaged minds. I think this is baloney of course - if you'll pardon the expression. Porn is sexual fantasy put to film, and sexual fantasy is something EVERY teen engages in - with or without visual aids.

 

You can be both supportive of your son and let him know that you love him no matter what and lay down ground rules regarding porn. He is a minor after all and if the original poster as a parent wants to restict his son from viewing porn he has every right to do so.

 

Given the OP's circumstances, I don't think it's too unreasonable for him to set that ground rule. There's no real "need" for porn. It's not like he wants his son to stop masturbating completely.

Protip: Usenet isn't used for anything legal or legitimate anymore.