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Need feedback asap.... Please

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Wildmanon34, May 2, 2012.

  1. Wildmanon34

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    Ok here is the situation. My son (who is 14 years old) was grounded from his phone and going outside for lying to my wife and I. While I had his phone I decided to look through it just to make sure everything is good. While going through it I came across messages where he is telling a friend that he thinks he is bi. This happened after another boy came on to him via messages and my son was told him that he is “curious”. We should not be shocked by finding this because last year a caught him looking at gay porn, but he passed it off as just looking.
    Here is my dilemma, although I really feel that I can come to an acceptable place with his decisions I do have some questions. He has just started hanging out with a new girl that has introduced him to the other gay kids. From the research I’ve done looking at these kids they are horrible kids to be around. I am not saying this because they are gay but because they smoke, drink, curse, and are just not well mannered good people. I need to know how to handle this without my son getting defensive about his sexuality but understanding that I would not want him around ANYONE like this.
    My other question is do I bring it up or do I wait for him to tell me? I have to address him drinking with these kids so I feel like he will know that I have an idea of what’s going on. I have to tell you that I have my own demons when it comes to Homosexuality. You see, from ages 5 to 11 I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused by my mother’s husband. He forced my brother and I to do things that will be with me forever and unfortunately I associate that with being gay. I realize that this is not the case but this is how I am now due to the trauma that I have been through. I’m not sure how to handle this very big situation. Also, I will tell my son that I love him unconditionally, and except him for who he is because I do. However, I really don’t want him acting on his feelings at this time due to the pressure he will be subjected to. I do not want to be around it until he has finished high school. How do I handle this? [/SIZE][/B]
     
  2. BudderMC

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    Re: Advice for a Dad - Jeff

    First off, take a breath. This really doesn't need to be a big deal. I know you're a parent and want the best for your kids, but try your best not to stress over it too much.

    Secondly, and you said it yourself, being gay is separate from a whole lot of other things that might get associated. Being gay (or bi, in your son's case) just means he likes guys. The fact that his friends smoke/drink/curse/whatever isn't because they're gay, it's just because that's what they do... could be due to their home environment or something else. Honestly, if I had to guess, part of their actions might be due to their families not accepting their sexuality (or them not telling their families) and coping with the stress the best way they know how. But again, that's just speculation - the point is that sexuality is separate from those other things.

    If you want to handle it without your son getting defensive, just parent him however you would otherwise. Honestly, just don't even mention the fact that they're gay. When you're explaining why what they're doing is bad, focus on their actions (because that is what you dislike, right?) and what negative impacts they have. Stick to that, and the "them being gay" thing shouldn't be an issue. And if he asks or brings it up, just stand your ground and tell him that their choices don't have anything to do with that. It's important for him to realize that being gay doesn't mean you do those things, and doing those things doesn't mean you're gay... but he's a smart kid, he can figure that out without you pushing that point on him.

    Should you bring it up? I personally wouldn't. I've complained to my friends (who I'm out to) endless times that I wished someone would just ask me to have it be over and done with... but at the same time, I know myself well enough that I'd panic and freeze if I was confronted with it. He's working through the process of exploring what he likes and doesn't like (as evident by his friend and the porn), and he'll come to that conclusion on his own at his own speed.

    And whenever you're talking with him (or even thinking about this), try your absolute hardest to separate your past with your rational thinking; you KNOW that being gay is nothing bad, so make sure that comes across in what you do and not your fears for him.

    I will ask though, what do you mean you don't want him acting on his feelings at this time? If by pressure you mean bullying and stuff, well, every kid gets bullied for something, his just might be being gay... and if it isn't that, guaranteed bullies will find something else to get him for. As long as you're supportive and he knows he has safe places he can go to and people he can talk with, he should be fine (and this point is independent of whether he's being bullied for sexuality or something else).

    Be open, be honest, and be concerned, but remember to give him his space. Like all other things in growing up, teens want to figure things out for themselves, and this is no different. Keep being approachable and then if he wants to talk with someone he can trust, he'll know he can turn to you. If he approaches you, just emphasize that it isn't a big deal and you love him no matter what, and I'm sure things will work out okay.

    Keep us informed, and welcome to EC!
     
  3. Pret Allez

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    Re: Advice for a Dad - Jeff

    Thanks for writing in to Empty Closets. Unfortunately, I do have a slight rebuke to offer, but I will end on a hopefully more positive note on the balance.

    1) I think it's a negative thing that you spy on your child. I have been a kid quite recently. We expect to be able to tell our friend that we're not straight and not tell our parents. Because sometimes we feel that our friends are safer. That might not be fair to you, but that's the reality for many, many LGBT people.

    2) I really appreciated that you said that you will unconditionally love and accept your son, even though you have had experience with sexual abuse. I will not pretend to know what that's like, but I think it's wonderful that you are able to separate that from what real homo and bisexuality is: love directed not always at a person of the opposite sex.

    I think that it might be a bit of a hard sell to your son that you don't want him being around them because of the way they behave rather than their sexuality. But I am confident that you can do it. Since you did look at his phone, I guess you know and there's no sense hiding that you do. I would just try to bring up how positive you are about homo and bisexuality and let him come out when he feels safe to.

    I would definitely not tell him that you know because then he will know that you spied on him and he'll be very hurt, and that will hurt his trust in you.
     
    #3 Pret Allez, May 2, 2012
    Last edited: May 2, 2012
  4. Farouche

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    Hello, and welcome.
    My advice is to treat your son with respect, no matter what he is doing, no matter how you feel about what he is doing and no matter what else you are trying to accomplish. It's hard, but one way is to talk to him as if he were a few years older. It's easy to talk down to kids, and at 14 he might be sensitive to that. Try to talk to him as you would to a friend, a parent, your partner (if you get along well with your partner).

    Make it obvious that you are a straight ally. Speak up for gay rights in some way. It can be a small way. That way you don't have to ask your son about his sexuality, he will tell you sooner or later. And, now that I think of it, you probably shouldn't ask him. If the question makes him nervous, he might lie, and then feel bad about lying, and then you'll have trouble communicating about more immediate concerns like whether he's drinking.

    For things like drinking and smoking, make sure you are addressing one issue at a time. Show your disapproval of the specific activity you're talking about, i. e. drinking, and not your disapproval of his friends. At some point you have to pick your battles; if he swears like a pirate but doesn't drink or smoke, you're doing all right.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    I agree with the above poster. You shouldnt question your son directly about being bi because then he will know you have been looking through his phone. If/when opportunities arise because of tv or something then you should clearly show your support for LGBT people or LGBT matters and make it clear that is normal and you would love him no matter what.

    Its fine that you address that he shouldnt be drinking or smoking just make sure you make it clear that it is the drinking and smoking that you disapprove of.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Re: Advice for a Dad - Jeff

    Hi there and welcome to EC - indirectly, through Becky. (Hi Becky!! Long time no see! :smilewave)

    I'd agree with the advice you have received. I wouldn't confront your son with the knowlege you have about him questioning his orientation. He might not be ready to talk about it with you - and that's OK. I took a while to come out to my parents too - and I was an adult in my 30s! We all need to come out at our own pace. But what you can do is make sure there aren't any negative comments being made about homosexuality, and if possible show that you're supportive and OK with gay people. It might mean commenting on something in the news or while you're watching Glee. :icon_wink

    With respect to the gang he's hanging out with - that's a tough one. I have two daughtesr - 9 and 11 - and that's always a concern. My ex wife and I try to be as involved as we can be. (It's more her - as the girls spend more time with her than with me.) We also keep them busy in after school activities, so there's less time to just hang out at the mall with a questionable crowd. And those friends we do like, we do what we can to strengthen that relationship by having play dates and such. It's not easy, but if you provide alternatives that are better choices that might be the trick.

    This certainly isn't the end of the world, and it sounds like you're going about things the right way. So keep it up.
     
  7. Chip

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    It's definitely a challenge to get through to a teen at that age, in part because they often "know everything" :slight_smile:

    One of the biggest influences a teen has is his friends, and if he's hanging with friends, gay or straight, that are into drinking at that age, it does put him at increased risk; drinking and drug use is rampant in many parts of the gay community, due in part to the baggage with non-acceptance that so many young people experience.

    It sounds like you've tried to instill the importance of being honest with you, and that's great. To be honest, it's a little unrealistic because part of the individuation process is for teens to make their own decisions and not tell their parents about some things, but the more you communicate, and the more you model honesty and integrity, the more likely it is he'll get the message.

    Additionally, it is probably not realistic to expect that your son will not have any sexual experiences prior to graduating high school, and I think if that message is communicated, it's going to be in conflict with the message that he needs to be honest with you. So it might be better to approach it by encouraging him to be thoughtful, and to approach any sexual experiences with forethought, and, hopefully, that they be with someone he has genuine feelings for. I think it might also be sensible to frame it in the context of your own sexual experiences in high school and talk about the importance of being sober when making such decisions, practicing safer sex, and so forth.

    That's a lot, and probably really scary to think about having that sort of conversation with your son. Likely it will be awkward and embarrassing for both of you, but I think if you can approach it with honesty, treat it like it's nothing to be embarrassed in talking about, look him in the eye while talking about it... even if he objects strenuously, and both of you turn every shade of red, I think the message will get through.

    The issue with friends is more challenging. Once someone connects with bad friends, it can be difficult to get him out of that culture, and equally difficult to get him into the "right" group of friends, in part because the healthy people generally don't want to associate with the "bad" types. So again, you might appeal to his future and how important it is to have friends that will lift him up, encourage him to be the best, and support him in making wise decisions.

    With regard to his sexuality, I agree that letting him know you know is probably not the best idea. He's probably already mortified and petrified that you've looked through his phone because he undoubtedly knows that the "incriminating" evidence is there. So I'd go gently, and as others have suggested, make general statements when the opportunity arises that you have no problems with gay people, and (separately from that) let him know that you love him and care about his being happy, and nothing will change that, no matter who he loves or what he discovers about himself.

    And, if you get to the place where you can be open with him about knowing he's questioning, you can point him here. :slight_smile:

    One thing that's really clear: He's exceptionally lucky to have a parent who loves him, is accepting, and cares about him as much as you do.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    Note - we had a couple of threads going so I have merged them all here and will delete the one Becky had started based on a note from Wildmanon34. Thanks.
     
  9. beckyg

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    No wonder I couldn't find my post. LOL Hi Jim! :slight_smile: