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11 Year old son and his sexuality

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by tracylynn32, Aug 17, 2012.

  1. tracylynn32

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    Hi Everyone! I am so glad to find this website...I am the mother of a wonderful 11 year old son. Let me give you some background on him. From the time he was in diapers, we knew he wasn't the stereotypical "boy". He preferred barbies and "girl" toys and playing with all the girls. This wasn't something that botheedr me as he has older sisters who enjoyed these things as well and that's who he spent all of his time playing with. When he was 4, he started Pre-K. From day 1 in school, kids taunted and teased him calling him, "girly", "gay", etc....As he got older, the bullying and taunting increasingly got worse. By the age of 9, he was being spit on, beat up, called filthy names...basically he was tortured. Of course, we have battled with the school over this for years. At the age of 10, he told me he wished he had never been born because he knows that "there is something wrong with him." My husband and I, as always, reassured him that he is completely normal...that he is a beautiful young man...and that in this world, people can be mean! At that point we put him in therapy to deal with his depression and self esteem issues. It helped a little. At the beginning of 5th grade, he confessed to us that he had a crush on a boy in his class. He thought again that he was abnormal (his words, not mine). Again, we reassured him that he was anything but and told him that it was okay...that there was nothing wrong with crushes and that now that he was getting older, he was just starting to figure out his sexuality. Now at age 11...he continues to play with nothing but "girl" toys....and isn't what most would consider a rough and tough "boy." The other night, while we were all having dinner, he told us he needed to tell us something. At this point, he said that he is 90% sure that he is gay. We asked him why he thought that and he stated that he feels attracted to boys...he thinks about them in a sexual way...and when we asked him if he feels that way about girls, he said not at all. He worried that we would look at him differently or not love him. We reassured him once again that we loved him unconditionally...that all we wished and hoped for him in life was to be happy. We spent two hours discussing this...and one of the things I expalined to him was that at his age, he hasn't really had experienced dating and until he is a little older, he is not going to know for sure what he is going to like. This is the same advice I give my 13 year old daughter who falls in and out of love every other day =)

    My question are this...Did I give him the right advice? I want to stress that I accept my son for who he is...I will support him 100% no matter what....and I love him unconditionally! I firmly believe that a person is born gay or straight...I know it's not a choice! However, is it possible for him to be this sure at 11? Honestly, since he was a toddler, I've watched him struggle with who he is and I've been prepared for a long time for the fact that one day he might come out. That doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is watching him hurt from others actions...and seeing him ashamed of who he is (gay or straight). I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that as a parent, I am advising him the way I should. I love him more than anything in this world and my husband and I want to make sure we support him the best way we can as he finds himself. Thanks to everyone in this forum in advance for any support, guidance, and thoughts you may give!
     
  2. Zontar

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    Yep.

    Possible, but rare. However, providing such a positive environment can only help. He already feels guilty about it thanks to bullying and it's terrific that he doesn't have to put up with that at home.
     
  3. midwestgirl89

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    You're a great mom. (*hug*) Thanks for being so kind and compassionate toward your son. The world needs more parents like you! :thumbsup: Oh and welcome to EC!

    I do think it is sometimes possible for a kid to know at the age of 11 that he is gay/straight. It's probably easier for a child to come to terms with if he/she lives in a supportive environment. I don't know very many people who knew at age 11, but it could happen.

    I have 3 cousins that have all have big crushes on the opposite sex. They are 11, 13 and 9. They would identify as straight (or bisexual if feelings toward the same sex come up) if straight wasn't already the default category for kids. A lot of kids have crushes but only the LGBT kids have to go through the process of realizing...oh I might not be straight. They learn what it means to be straight vs. gay vs. bisexual whereas those children with opposite-sex attractions don't have to identify themselves. Did you know you were straight at age 11? That's just a question from curiosity on my part lol.

    I think your supportive role is wonderful. Your son is very lucky to have you as a mom. The only thing you might do differently in your advice is to give him affirmation that you believe his identification as gay is true. If he identifies as bisexual later on, that's okay and I know you'll do a great job. It sounds like he is pretty sure he's gay. Just like if your daughter says what her sexuality is, she wants affirmation that you believe her.

    In the future if he has a crush on someone, just do what you're doing now. Be there for him and love him. You're doing a wonderful job already.

    I'm sorry he's dealing with so much at school. The school should step up.

    Sorry for the long post. Thanks for sharing your story!
     
  4. Neph

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    I honestly say I have to admire him. At his age, I would never have had (and certainly didn't) have the courage to tell my friends that, much less my parents. It's good that he's open to the possibility, and maybe even sure of himself. I know at that age, I hid it, did everything I could to convince myself that wasn't how I was, and that way lies only anguish. So keep supporting him, and be sure that he knows he has no reason to be ashamed of who he is.
     
  5. Rygirl

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    Hey, can I just applaud you for how you handled this :eusa_clap

    I think you did exactly the right thing, coming to terms with sexuality can be one of the hardest things to do. It took me just about three years to fully understand my sexuality, so it can be a long road but life is easier at the end.

    Having had my own experience, without sounding unsupportive I would perhaps encourage him not to 'label' himself, but that is just my opinion, I am who I am and I love who I love.
     
    #5 Rygirl, Aug 17, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2012
  6. Kidd

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    I think you gave him pretty solid advice, and I think you've done everything right so far. A lot of people on EC "just knew" they were gay from a very young age and I can personally vouch for that. I knew I was gay by the time I was in second grade, I just didn't have a word for it then. I had crushes on boys when I was his age too. What shocks me the most is that he came out to you so young, but that's a good thing actually, and it's a credit to you as a parent. A lot of people don't come out until high school, or college, or even later than that--in their 30's or 40's. Since he came out to you so young, he'll get to live an authentic life from the get-go, but there is a darker side to that too.

    I think that you should take any bullying whatsoever very, very seriously and I don't think you should be afraid to confront the school or another kid's parents about it if you have to. LGBT youth suicide happens at a way higher rate than any other demographic, and bullying is a huge contributing factor towards that, and since he came out so young he is definitely going to be a target to some kids who aren't as mature as your son is. He's going to need LGBT role models in his life, fictional or otherwise. There's lots of great young-adult books with LGBT themes. There's movies out there. You could take him to a pride parade when he gets a little older. And there's also lots of different blogs and books and organizations out there for parents of gay children too. I linked you to some below.

    PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays

    This is the blog of a woman whose son announced that he was gay at 7 years old. She writes a lot of good pieces about it.

    Amelia

    I think you're a really great mom by the way! (*hug*)
     
  7. Given To Fly

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    Hi,

    You sound like a great mum, and your son is very lucky to have parents who care so much about him.

    If it helps, although I may not have had the words to describe it, I knew I was gay by the age of 11. It just took me 20-odd years to actually admit that to myself. So yes, it's certainly possible.

    I hope that he's able to overcome the bullying he is going through - I know first hand what it's like to go through that every day, but I didn't exactly have move love and support at home either. That's the big difference here.


    Good luck to you and your family (*hug*)
     
  8. Kuroi

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    You are such good mother, im tearing here.

    Screw Romeo and Julia, this is a true love story.
     
  9. kylegf2011

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    I wish my mom could be like that if I told her.... I know it wont happen. But its really great to see there are parents like you out there :slight_smile: your son is very lucky
     
  10. FathomFear

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    I'm posting just to say that you and your husband sound like phenomenal parents. I could only wish that I had the same experience at that age. If I had, perhaps I would have had the courage to talk to my parents in my early teens--instead of my late 20s.

    I think you handled it well. As far as whether he can "know" his sexuality at the age of 11, I would say, yes, it's certainly possible. Most kids start getting their first sexual thoughts around that age, so he very well might be cognizant of what he is and isn't attracted to at this point.

    My suggestion would be to keep reiterating to him that he can talk to you about anything. Set expectations with him about how cruel kids can be, etc, and help him put it in perspective.
     
  11. Chip

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    I think you've done an absolutely admirable job of supporting and validating his experience.

    I also think, based on what you've described, that he is very certain he's gay, and he's almost certainly correct.

    So the one thing I would do is validate for him the idea that yes, you agree and understand he's probably gay, but whichever way it is, is fine with you.

    We've had a number of younger teens here who have come out to parents and been frustrated that the parents said "Well, you haven't dated, so you can't know for sure" because... they absolutely did know for sure. As others have said, there are many kids that know this at 5 or 7.

    There's no question this is hard for everyone. I would be relentless with your son's school. Find out (if you haven't already) what the laws are in your state regarding bullying of LGBT youth and be really insistent that your school not just stop the bullying but be proactive with staff in educating them about bullying. This issue only stops when people continue to put pressure on, and teachers often become teachers because they don't like being told what to do. So it can take some effort, but usually if there are state laws that protect LGBT youth, you can get your local school district to enforce them.
     
  12. Ianthe

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    Hi tracylynn32, Welcome to Empty Closets.

    You are a really great mom. You seem to take for granted that accepting your son for who he is, is the natural and obvious thing to do, but I think you would be horrified to know that, even today, many of our young members do not have that experience. So, truly, thank you for loving your son. There is nothing else that will make as big a difference as that.

    When people become aware of their sexuality varies a great deal. We have members on hear that are as young as 13, and that's as young as we allow--we'd have younger members if we allowed it.

    It's not unusual for gay people to report that they knew that the word "gay" referred to them from the first time they understood what it meant. That's often early in childhood. Some people just realize, even when they are little, that it's a same sex person that they want to be with in life. We call it sexual orientation, but it isn't only about sex, after all, it's about relationships, and kids start imagining themselves in relationships very young. I bet when you were a little girl, you imagined yourself as a woman with a husband. You probably even played house, and acted it out.

    There are a lot of things you take for granted as a straight person. Every single Disney princess movie is a straight love story. Isn't it normal for little straight girls to relate to those stories? Do you imagine that little lesbians relate to them in the same way? My favorite Disney princess movie was Beauty and the Beast, and I think it's because, in the beginning, there's that long scene where all the girls in the village are bonding over their mutual adoration of Gaston, but Belle, who's "different from the rest of" them, thinks he's gross. And her love interest, while quite masculine, spends almost the entire move not being a man. All in all, much easier for me to relate to than the rest of them, even though I didn't know that I was gay at the time. Sexual orientation is a really deep part of who we are, and it shapes a lot of how we see the world.

    Most of us, though, discover it in adolescence, when we develop sexual attraction to other people, and start having more serious crushes. At your son's age, there are and should be clear signs of his sexuality. So, if he didn't know that he was gay, that would mean that he was in denial about his feelings. 11-year-olds definitely develop crushes on people, and have romantic feelings.

    Because of internalized homophobia, most gay people go into denial about their feelings. This is really the reason we often don't come out until the late teen years or adulthood (sometimes even well into adulthood, after we are married with kids). Your son is not in denial about his feelings, probably at least in part because you have always told him that it's okay for him to have them. You should be proud of that. Think of what it means, that so many people spend so long in denial of a deep and pervasive part of their personality.

    If your son is clear enough in his own mind about his sexuality to have come out to you as gay, the likelihood of his not being gay is infinitesimally small, in my opinion. And I think it's basically impossible for him to be straight--he's been very clearly attracted to boys. So, the tiny chance that he isn't gay is if he's bisexual. But there is no evidence to support that, really. The fact that he's explicitly stated that he's not interested in girls is pretty strong contrary evidence.

    Anyway, I do think it would be better if you validated what he says when he tells you that he's gay and has feelings for boys, rather then telling him that he doesn't really know who he is or what his own feelings are.

    Reiterating what Kidd said, it would be a good idea to get some age-appropriate gay themed books and movies and things like that into your house. It can make a big difference for him to have stories he can really relate to, and positive models of the kinds of relationships he wants to have. And when he's ready, it would help a lot if you would support him in connecting to other gay kids. It's not just about dating, a lot of peer bonding happens around things related to kids' shared experiences of their developing sexuality. (When I was about your son's age, all the girls were crazy over the New Kids On The Block. But I wasn't--in fact, I thought they were all insane, and I couldn't understand it at all, so it was very alienating.)

    Finally, I want to point out that your son is already bullied for being gay. Self-acceptance and coming out will make it easier for him to stand up for himself. (A person's confidence in who they are often robs the bullies of their power.) If they already think he's gay, they aren't going to stop thinking it in middle school or high school. Keeping him from telling people will not stop them from bullying him, and it might make it harder for him to deal with the bullying.

    You said he was previously in therapy for self-esteem issues. Probably, a lot of his self-esteem issues have to do with being bullied for his sexuality, and now that he's admitted that he's gay, therapy might be able to be more effective. So that's something to consider. It wouldn't have been possible to work on his shame about being gay before he admitted to being gay.

    Thank you again for being such a good mom--your son trusts you enough to tell you something that he is clearly very ashamed about, and that speaks volumes to your success as a parent. I hope you will stick around EC--it means a lot, especially to the young kids, to see a mother that loves her son unconditionally.
     
  13. oblina

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    Your son is lucky to have a mother as accepting and kind as you are. Many children have to deal with issues at school and hiding it from their parents and you have given him such a gift of not having to worry about it at home, a sanctuary that many are not lucky enough to have!

    While 11 is young, I beleive that sexuality is something that is thought of at a very young age. Many straight girls and boys have their first crushes in grade school, and that is considered normal, so why should homosexuals not have crushes at such an age as well? I had my first crush in 3rd grade on my female neighbor, and although I was young I know that that was the first stirrings of feelings for girls.

    It seems like you are doing the right things, supporting your son and letting him know that he isnt doing anything wrong, just being himself!
     
  14. thylvin

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    First of all you're the best mom ever! Sometimes people know at a younger age, but most of them or us or which ever lives in denial of this for a far longer period, so yes, it is kind of rare for kids this young to know exactly. But since (I'm making an educated guess here) your family isn't homophobic, so he doesn't get the same treatment at home than at school or where ever. So home is a safe place and he's trusting you. The fact that you most probably don't make homophobic remarks might have help him to think it was safe, to not live in denial.
     
  15. ameliawesome

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    i knew i was gay by the time i was 8, even though i didn't know what gay was until ellen degeneres came out. i just knew i liked girls and that i'd never marry a boy. in high school i was bi-curious and i really wanted to know what it felt like to like a boy. i learned a lot about myself, but my obsession with a boy that i decided to crush on also kept me from living as my true self. i think you're a wonderful mother and it's amazing that your son is brave to be himself openly at his age, even when faced with hatred from other kids. if he knows then he knows, and maybe he will question it at some point but it definitely is not a requirement to test the straight waters before being certain that you're not straight. much love to you and your wonderful family!
     
  16. everett

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    (*hug*) You are the greatest mother to your child. You are doing so wonderful. I wish I could find better words to express the joy I feel in reading your post. Be strong and carry on! Your love and strength is what he needs as well as he grows.

    Bless you madam, you have touched my heart today.
     
  17. Aldrick

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    Hey Tracylynn. I just wanted to give you a big hug for being a wonderful mother. (*hug*)

    I think you've received some awesome advice so far, but I just wanted to compliment you on your skills as a mother. The very fact that your son felt comfortable coming out to you at such a young age says a tremendous amount about the love, acceptance, and atmosphere in your home.

    I also wanted to say that, yes, it is completely possible for your son to realize that he is gay at such a young age. I started puberty at a slightly early age, and my sexual feelings developed over time. However, I also had my first crush when I was in the fifth grade and at the same age as your son.

    So, is it possible? Absolutely. In all likelihood your son is gay.

    If you want to go further than you already are my suggestion is to think of ways to give your son some positive LGBT role models to look up toward. This gives him hope that he can aspire toward something, that he isn't abnormal, and that it is possible to grow up and live a happy and normal life.

    Finally, don't neglect yourself and your husband. You both need support as well. There may be people who question your parenting decisions, and times when the school just won't listen to you. Reach out to local LGBT groups, and I'll echo reaching out to PFLAG if there is a chapter in your area. Meeting other parents of LGBT kids will be such a tremendous help to you, if for no other reason than you can discuss issues with other people who are going through or have gone through similar things. It also helps to know people have your back when you need to go to battle for your son.
     
  18. NicoleV96

    NicoleV96 Guest

    Yes, you definitely gave him wonderful advice. It's upsetting that he had to go through so much so young though. It's admirable that he's even opening up about it so young and I hope he's on a path towards accepting it and understand that he's normal, and I'm sure with the advice you're giving him, he'll believe it. To answer the question of could he know at a young age, yes, he can. It depends on the person, but some know early on, some know later on. I'm pretty sure I knew around age 11. It just depends on the person and there's no age that defines it, it's just if you know, you know. I mean, it's more rare to know younger than it is to know at an older age, but it's possible. The thing I find horrible was that even at age 4 people already knew to use "gay" as an insult, that's upsetting on their part, that means their parents approve of their words, I never heard kids so young use it as an insult, or even know what it meant. The first time I ever heard it used as an insult in school, I had to be at least 9 maybe 10. No matter what happens though, bullying should never be allowed, unfortunately, most schools don't care as much as parents do. If it was their kid, I'm sure they'd jump into action, but schools generally don't do much. They may have meetings with students and their parents, but again, if that's how the kids were brought up, they will still continue to bully anyways. Your son just has to be able to handle what's to come, and I'm sure he can as long as you provide him with the support you're already giving him.