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For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People Support and advice for any parents or family members of somebody suspected of struggling with their identity.

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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:15 PM   #1
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Default my daughter

I found out me daughter is a lesbian a few days ago. I used her computer while she was away in class and she left this forum open in a tab. I know I shouldn't have, but I read some of her posts, and it broke my heart to see how much she is struggling with this. I just don't know what to do now, and I don't know how to approach the subject. I really want to tell her I know so that we can talk about it, but I don't want to lose her trust. I invaded her privacy, and I'm sorry for that. I don't know if I can wait for her to come out on her own either. Her posts make it seem like she wants to stay in the closet forever. I don't want her to hide from me for the rest of her life. I'm just at a loss.

Should I approach her directly or let her come to me? How do I let her know that it's okay?
Please help
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:19 PM   #2
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Default Re: my daughter

How old is your daughter? and what are your thoughts on her being lesbian?
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:20 PM   #3
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Default Re: my daughter

I think honesty is the best policy. You should just tell her what you did and let her know that you are open to talk about it with her.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:23 PM   #4
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Default Re: my daughter

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How old is your daughter? and what are your thoughts on her being lesbian?
She is 20. I'm not really used to the idea, but I'm okay with it. I still love her.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: my daughter

I think you should hint out that you're okay with her sexuality without being direct. Maybe, watch a movie or show that involves gays & comment on it. Or if you have gay friends introduce them to her? Or write a letter. If everything goes well as plan, then tell her that you invaded her privacy.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:27 PM   #6
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Default Re: my daughter

I wouldn't tell her right off the bat that you snooped. Like said above, work things into conversation or even into the background that involved being gay. It's now time to see how she reacts to you showing that you are ok with these things. It should make her more comfortable to the idea of talking to you about it. Good luck
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:29 PM   #7
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Default Re: my daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConcernedMother View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelD View Post
How old is your daughter? and what are your thoughts on her being lesbian?
She is 20. I'm not really used to the idea, but I'm okay with it. I still love her.
Well, it is quite an adjustment, to everyone, her as well. I would talk to her about how much you love and care for her and that she can tell you anything. That no matter what her choices are in life you love her for herself.

Hopefully this will allow her to come to talk to you about it. Telling her right now might *you know your daughter more than I* scare her badly, if she doesn't feel she is ready to come out.

Just show her a lot of love an attention, maybe watch a video on people of the queer spectrum with her and she if she will discuss it with you. She need to know that you are there for her.

I hope this helps.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:30 PM   #8
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Default Re: my daughter

Can I just say that you sound like an amazing mother? It sounds like your daughter is lucky to have you.
I have to agree with some of the previous posts. I think you should approach her. I would also suggest that first you hint that you are supportive of gays. If she is really struggling as you say, than I think it would be better to have positive support (you) who she can talk to.
Once again... you rock.
And remember that whatever happens... we are here for both you and your daughter.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:39 PM   #9
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^ I agree. You're an awesome mom.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:41 PM   #10
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Default Re: my daughter

Thank you all for the advice and support. I will try be more vocal about my support for gay people, and I like the idea of watching a lesbian themed movie with her to show her I am comfortable with it. Thanks for the suggestions. I feel like I can deal with this situation better now that I have a game plan.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:43 PM   #11
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Default Re: my daughter

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Originally Posted by ConcernedMother View Post
Thank you all for the advice and support. I will try be more vocal about my support for gay people, and I like the idea of watching a lesbian themed movie with her to show her I am comfortable with it. Thanks for the suggestions. I feel like I can deal with this situation better now that I have a game plan.
Or if you and your daughter already been watching movies or TV shows, you can hint your support whilst watching those shows of so and so LGBT couples on the show...
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 05:53 PM   #12
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Default Re: my daughter

I've been in a similar situation, except it was a book that my mother found(I actually bought it with the intent on giving it to them). I was very relieved that she came across it somehow and came to me one night and asked about it. That took a lot of the burden off of my shoulders since I'm not sure if I would have had the balls to take the initiative and come out to them at the time, even though I was ready.

No matter how you approach your daughter or the subject, it's going to be scary and uncomfortable for her initially. What others have said is a good start though, just be a bit vocal in a nonchalant way about some gay/lesbian issues you've "heard" about recently in the news or something similar so she knows you're not completely against her. She might come around eventually.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 07:40 PM   #13
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Default Re: my daughter

Thank you once again. I have looked at the PFLAG website and found out that there are meetings near me, so I think I will check that out.

Also do any of you have suggestions for an movie with lesbian characters that would be good for a mother daughter movie night?
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 07:42 PM   #14
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Default Re: my daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nocturnal View Post
^ I agree. You're an awesome mom.
you really are my parents disowned me just make sure she knows you love her

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2012 at 08:48 PM ----------

the only ones i know are animes so i dont think it will help sorry
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 07:50 PM   #15
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Default Re: my daughter

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Originally Posted by ConcernedMother View Post
Thank you once again. I have looked at the PFLAG website and found out that there are meetings near me, so I think I will check that out.

Also do any of you have suggestions for an movie with lesbian characters that would be good for a mother daughter movie night?
I don't know any movies, but you can watch Glee season 3 episode 7. In that episode, a lesbian character named Santana become visibly lesbian.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 07:52 PM   #16
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Default Re: my daughter

Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nocturnal View Post
^ I agree. You're an awesome mom.
you really are my parents disowned me just make sure she knows you love her
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine doing that.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 07:53 PM   #17
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Default Re: my daughter

its not your fault i come from a very strick christian home
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 07:55 PM   #18
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Default Re: my daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConcernedMother View Post
Also do any of you have suggestions for an movie with lesbian characters that would be good for a mother daughter movie night?
I haven't watched very many movies on the list but there is a thread floating around about LGBT movies> LGBT Movies

If you have something like netflix, I hear they have a pretty awesome LGBT section.
or you could do some google research (probably not the preferred method, I know)
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 07:58 PM   #19
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Default Re: my daughter

i think they have he's such a girl
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 08:00 PM   #20
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Default Re: my daughter

Given that I am still in the closet..mainly because I'm afraid of being disowned/treated differently by my own family..I would suggest approaching it slowly. I generally try and dodge conversations involving LGBT-related topics so I guess there's no guarantee she'll tell you anything, but if you're consistent and approach the topic at a reasonable pace she might realize that you know and come out to you. I should also add though that you sound like a really accepting mum.

I wish I was so lucky.
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