More problems with my daughter.

This is a tough one. I personally would love for my mum to secretly know and give me hints that I could come to her and tell her, but everyone's different. She may feel uncomfortable, but see it as tough-love. She needs an adult and/or parent to be there for her in these tough times and no love is greater than that of a mother. I would be so happy if my mum just came to me and said, 'I know, I support you and love you all the same'. It's just difficult to know how she'd react if you did that.

It's actually surprising that she hasn't seen these posts and though this could be her mother, since you've been hinting lately. Please get a second opinion, but I think you should take a more direct approach. She'll be so relieved, even if at first she is shocked. The sooner she comes out, the sooner she can live her life to the fullest and I know from personal experience that it's parents not knowing that holds you back.

On a lighter note, it's amazing that you have signed up to EC, you're willing to support her and sought advice before rushing in there. If all mothers were the same, it would make life for us so much easier.

Oh and another thing, I love the idea another user advised to leave the PLFAG website open on your computer.

 

The problem may be is that even with hints from yourself, she'll just assume it's a coincidence that you're talking about LGBT related things and that you still actually don't know about her. What kind of hints are you giving?

Maybe you should state how you would love your children unconditionally regardless of their sexuality and you'd support them completely. You could probably say something like that if her dad made a homophobic remark. She'd then see that she has some kind of support system and someone she could go to.

 

I have to agree--if she isn't ready, she isn't ready. Keep dropping those hints but try not to pressure her. In a similar situation, I found that though I had been offered the opening and a chance to speak, I simply couldn't do it. I wanted to, I knew I should, but I literally just couldn't make myself say the words. I think you're on the right track, but please let your daughter decide when she is ready. It's insanely hard to say for some people, more than you might realize if you have never had to tell someone something that personal about yourself, and that fraught with tension. You have all my respect for the way you are handling this--you're an awesome mom!

 

she might think that although you support gays, it would be different if it was your own daughter. alot of people think that way that although its ok for other people, it would be different if it was there own family. i like the idea of if the father says something homophobic say that no matter what their sexualioty is, you would still love your children and you dont see any problem with gay people. just keep dropping subtle hints and try to make the hints that you would be ok with family being gay and not just other people.
i wouldnt take the direct aproach because her not coming out and being awkward about the subject may not have anything to do with you and if shes just not ready it ont help her for you to be too pushy or say it strait up. all of us have our own problems to wor through. although i know im gay, it took me 5 years to become fully comfortable with my sexual orientation and even now i havent begun to come out (although im planning to soon). when she is ready she'll tell you. i know it must be extremely hard for you to know she is gay and her not want to tell you and you probably think its your fault or something that she doesnt want to. however this is most likely not the case and being too direct abut that you know could end badly if she is simply not ready yet. when she is ready, she'll tell. untill then just keep dropping subtle hints about how much you support gblt and would love your children no matter what.
whatever happens you are an amazing mother for caring about her so much and i would give anything for my mom to be like you! good luck!

 

it's possible that she just doesn't want to be your "gay daughter," ya know? like i know my mother will love me anyway, and she might very well know that i'm 100% gay but doesn't bring it up, but i still worry that once it's completely out in the open that she'll view me as her gay daughter. i'm me and i've always been me. i just happen to be gay. i'm not "gay me."

i hope everything works out positively she'll talk to you when she's comfortable, it might just take a while.

 

I agree with everyone else, she's not ready to come out to you. I think for her hearing you mention anything LGBT related is purely a coincidence. And her silence is a clear indication how uncomfortable it makes her feel, but please know that you're not doing anything wrong. Even though I'm out, talking about my sexuality makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes (it depends on the person.) I think you're doing a wonderful job as a mother, so continue giving her subtle hints. Who knows, maybe she'll discover that you know she's gay and she may come out

 

Your daughter seems to be affraid of you knowing her secret. I think she smells it, the fact you know and want to subtle let her know.

Of course she will feel a little angry, just think about it: wouldn't you feel bad if someone gives signs of knowing something about you that you thought no one knew?

At the very least, you'll feel a little scared, because someone knowing for any reason, would imply that "who knows how many people also know about this?"

Maybe she haven't thought of this conciously yet, but the fear is felt subconciously, so it doesn't matter.

Maybe you should just wait, until she gives you hints of being ready to talk.

 

First of all I am really glad there are moms like you. I know that my mom will probably support me if and when I come out to her. I know because after we talked about gender and sexual minority rights over the years, her attitude changed from hesitance to talk about it, to support.

Even more poignant than those conversations and 'clues', she has always made a point of telling me, "I love you no matter what." Even when I shaved my head, even when I told her I might have to drop out of school, or that I'd had suicidal thoughts. She let me know I am her child and she loves me more than anything.

The only reason I haven't told her anything yet, is because I want to understand myself better before I come out to anyone. Things are still confusing to me and I'm not sure if I'll still feel this way next year or after that. I want to be confident and secure in my gender before I tell her anything. And I have a feeling she might have an inkling, even if she doesn't understand the details or might not know much about being transgender. When the time comes I will explain it to her and tell her what I've been going through and what I've discovered. I'm confident she will accept me even if it takes time, and that means a great deal to me to know that when i'm ready, I can talk to her.

Just let your daughter know you love her and will always love her, you will never be upset with her for being herself or doing what she knows is right, and you trust her to make decisions about what makes her happy. Beyond gender or sexual orientation, just knowing you are there and you care about her is powerful.

 

Yeah, I think that hinting would drive me crazy were it me. I'd rather just be told. I might feel angry about the invasion of privacy, but constant hinting would just make me feel unsafe and closed off, and I'd probably also be upset to learn that my parent knew and didn't say...it sounds bad to say that I'd feel they were lying to me even though I was in the closet, but that would be the emotional response.

Weird example:
With the road tests to get your driver's licence in BC, they aren't allowed to tell you that you've failed until the end. If you think you've screwed up at the beginning, it's awful, because you spend the whole time flipping between "knowing" that you've failed and praying that you haven't. It's so hard not to panic. If they could tell you when you fail, you'd be able to start dealing with it. Even though it would suck, you'd be very upset, the panic-inducing pressure would be gone.
It sounds to me like your daughter is flipping between hoping that you know and praying that you don't, and she's panicking under the pressure. Might it not be easier to just tell her and get it over with?

 

Regarding your comment about "what if she never comes out?"--
I can tell you that there has to be some pretty overwhelming pressure for that to be the route a person takes. I sincerely doubt that those of us older folks who haven't found a way to come out are happy about it. We don't come out because our realistic, adult judgement of our individual circumstances is that the cost of coming out is too high at this time.
Your daughter is young, there's no reason I can see to fear she will never do it, she simply won't do it until she is ready--whether that is because she is unsure herself about what her situation is, or she is simply not confident enough yet about the reactions she will have to face.
You have said more than once you will love her no matter what. That is certainly laudable. But it also means that for you stand behind those words you have to say, "I will love my daughter no matter what she chooses, and if she never chooses to directly confirm her sexual orientation in the way I wish she would, I will continue to love and support her." For you to want her to come out, because you want her to be happy, is the flip side of parents who desperately try to stuff their kids back into the closet, because they want them to be happy, and being openly gay can be very hard at times.
Ultimately, it is HER choice to make. Loving her means showing her that respect.
I suspect that being the totally awesome mom you are, you will stand behind your words, and give her the space and support she needs to do this difficult thing the way that feels best to her.

 

^ it's not that you're denying her happiness. I think the idea that PinkTractor is trying to convey is that what your daughter defines as "happiness" is for her to choose vs. what you as her parent thinks would make her happy. That certainly doesn't make you a bad parent; if anything, it makes you a caring one, but like I would tell my mother (and have, multiple times) "I'm an adult now. If you want me to be happy, then I need you to listen to me."

And as others have said (and your daughter seems to be indicating), if that means her comfort level says not discussing the topic with you yet, maybe it's best to leave it at that.