is it common for parents to react poorly to news that their child is gay? is it unexpected? why do parents get angry? why are parents disappointed? is their reaction forgivable? would you prefer that your parents lie or withhold their feelings?
Mine reacted poorly to say the least. Dad did not talk to me for a month or so. When he started talking again he pretended like it did not happen. Then we did not speak of it for years. Mom got histericle for about 30 min, then got hold of herself and acted fine. She loved my first boyfriend. She loved the last one too! I would say yes they were hurt and angry when they found out. The disappointment came from no grandchildren in my case. I was the only child with a male body. I say that because I am Transgender M to F. So I really am female. The family name stops with me. Yes I forgave them and hardly ever think about it (like not till now in the last 20 years). Yes it would have been nice if they had and dealt with better. Hope this helps! June
Welcome to EC. The big reason parents (or anyone, really) can go through a lot of stress and unpleasant emotions is due to the 5 stages of grief. The link there is a page from our resources section that describes them in detail. I'd explain it all for you, but I'm sure I won't do it justice, so be sure to give it a read - it gives good examples. I would say it's more common than not for people to be unhappy (or at least not ecstatic) about the news when someone comes out. I also think it's more a case of how people react to the situation though. In general, when we talk about the stages of grief (often known as the stages of loss), we're referring to the general process in that people will experience denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. Not necessarily all the stages, not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily just once. But this model helps to explain what a lot of people are thinking of. As for is giving your reaction a good idea, I'm not sure - that's a really tough question to answer. I'll give you my opinion, but when I came out I didn't experience any trouble from anyone, family included, so it might not be an accurate portrayal of the child who would experience a negative reaction. I personally feel that it would be better to be honest with the child, at least to some degree. By withholding your feelings, you risk bottling them up only to have them fester if you don't have anyone to discuss them with. However, I think if you can communicate with the child and be open and honest with them (without being harsh or aggressive - there's a difference there) in that you're feeling disappointed, it opens up grounds for discussion for everyone to work through it. That leads me to another point, I think if you are to have that discussion you should be careful to distinguish the things you're saying with "this is what I'm feeling" rather than "this is what you've done". Focus on the feelings, not the actions - people are less likely to be offended or hurt that way. Though I think this all largely depends on the age (and maturity level) of the child. An adult may be better equipped to sit and have a mature conversation about it than a 13 year-old, per se.
Hi, Parents have rough life plans for their kids. There is the marriage, the children, the GEANDCHILDREN, their DNA being pushed into the future. The gay announcement shatters their imagined future for their child and for themselves. That is problem. Stuck
What a list. LOL is it common for parents to react poorly to news that their child is gay?I think at least 75% have problems with their child being gay. The level varies from all out shook and tossing you from the home to saying of it is just a phase and you will grow out of it. is it unexpected?It is unexpected can go two ways. Parents for the most part don't have a clue. So yes it is unexpected. On the child's part if they don't expect the parents to react badly they must be from a different planet where LGBTQ is fully acceptable as the norm. why do parents get angry?They get angry for three reasons. First they do not understand would being LGBTQ is and they think it is a choice. Two they have expectations and the child just smashed those all to hell and so they are angry. Three they think it is something they did that made you gay and they blame themselves and take it out on the child. why are parents disappointed?They are disappointed because of the hetero world expectations of marriage to the opposite gender, grandchildren, and white picket fences. is their reaction forgivable?It depends on how extreme. But yes even that can be forgiven in time. would you prefer that your parents lie or withhold their feelings?No I would want them to say everything they need to when I first came out so that a month later I don't get hit with the backlash of bullshit they think of later. I want it over and done with and would press them for everything they have to say. Hugs
That leads me to another opinion I forgot about. Oftentimes when people are mentally preparing to come out to someone close to them (like a parent), they're psyching themselves up for weeks, months... even years at a time, because the risk that their parent would not accept them is so paramount to the situation. However, that also means many of these people are preparing themselves for the absolute worst-case scenario - their parents hate them, want to disown them, they're going to need to run away from home, etc. Now, having a really negative reaction isn't obviously good ever. But I think if you need to share your displeasure, a good time to do it would be then when the child's guard is up so-to-speak, rather than a few weeks later when they think everything is fine. Nobody likes being blindsided.
It really depends on what type of person the parent is. My own mother wasn't too pleased, but could have reacted worse. I know people who have gotten the "so what?" Response, and others who have had their parents kick them straight out, not talk to them, etc. it kind of depends on their view of homosexuality, but moreso, just how much they would love their child in any situation. Even in this day and age, I would say a poor reaction from a parent is still expected. While I can't speak for everybody, I hear of more poor ones than not. It's one of the reasons it takes awhile for us to say anything to our parents. We don't exactly always know how they're going to react. We can only hope for the best. This is definitely a "5 Stages of Grief" thing. But somewhere behind it, its because most parents have a 'plan' for their kids when they're grown up. Kids, nice house, husband/wife. When you break it to them about being gay, those plans seem to become a little disoriented. The image of kids and a spouse of the opposite sex go out the window. Especially because of lack of education on homosexuality. Some people think it's impossible to live a happy stable life while being gay. Dunno why. See people doing it all the time. But I think some of it is also fear, because parents WANT to see their Kid happy, and they fear that they've just 'picked' a very long, difficult road. Okay, so there are a few extra obstacles. Oh well Yeah. It's not like we expect you to dance around with flowers and bunny rabbits and stuff. We know it's going to take some time to get itself through your heads. Hell, it did with all of us at one point or another. If you have a really bad reaction, I think the only thing that can be hoped for is that you do come around and realise "hey, this isn't any easier on him/her" either, and at least try to understand, be tolerant (at the least). It's definitely appreciated that you're here, asking questions. Don't lie. Just don't do it.
I'm only out to my best friend/first male crush, though I'm fairly certain my mother would be fine with my bisexuality (homosexual-leaning). She's fairly progressive, and I think she already suspected my feelings for my best-friend. My dad is another matter. He's a good man, I doubt he would be cruel; I know he would still accept me. However, he'd probably be disappointed, and feel guilty like it was his fault; that'd he'd failed to raise me properly. I think I'll tell him if I ever get a boyfriend I'm serious about, but for now there's no real reason to.
would you prefer that your parents lie or withhold their feelings? i would of actually preferred my mum to of said i dont accept you when i first came out so i knew where i stood but instead she said it was okay but her reaction wasnt genuine. but a few years after that, she told me her feelings that it was a phase e.t.c ill ask my mum the other questions later
A very good friend (we'll call him "J") has a gay son (we'll call him "D"), now in his 40s. It was obvious D was gay. He never dated or had a girlfriend, was somewhat effeminate, lived in Chicago's "Boys Town" and vacationed with groups of other guys. About 10 years ago D got a serious infection of some sort and was hospitalized. J talked about all 3 of his kids as parents do but never brought up D's lifestyle. I assumed he was aware of it but didn't want to discuss it so I never brought it up either. J can be uptight about subjects he's uneasy with. We talked frequently about D while he was sick. J finally brought it up. "All the people visiting D are men and he introduced his doctor as his roommate" I answered, "Does that surprise you?" J: " Yes! D is gay!" Me: "C'mon J, you mean you didn't know? I figured it out when D was in high school? You had to know or are in denial. He's still your son, do you love him any less now that you're faced with the reality of a gay son?" J answered no and our conversation went on for some time and included how relieved we all were that the infection wasn't AIDS related. I think it was easier for J to accept D being gay after our conversation and I'm proud to have been the one to have this conversation with him. D is as out as it gets and J would have eventually had to face facts anyway.
I'd say the other questions have been addressed by others, so for these two: Short version: Maybe, and no. Longer version: My mother's initial reaction was unpleasant (and detailed elsewhere), but she behaved relatively well for a while. Even so, she'd come up with statements like "you should be grateful I didn't disown you when I found out". She actually said that on the same day she asked why we don't get together more often for lunch or shopping. I am willing to forgive ignorance, but it's difficult to move past her thinking that's a way to treat a child she claims to love. I needed to know how she felt and didn't want her to lie. Given how she felt, I think she held back a lot. I suppose I'm grateful she didn't make my life miserable. Women showed up at the house for dates and she behaved well. Once I started dating men (something that thrilled her, of course), we didn't have to face it. I never told her I still have sex with women. I also never told her I made sure I'd never give birth to children (had my tubes tied) in part because I was afraid I'd be too much like her as a parent.
I expected my mother to be disappointed. I never doubted for a moment that she loved me. My mother was an amazing woman. I say "was" because she is deceased. We are catholic and I knew that she would struggle with the same questions that I asked myself. My mother wanted me to be happy most of all. I gave her the space to "mourn" the plans that she hoped for my future and time to process. That said, I did not have a conversation with her until I was in my 20s. I did not develop feelings towards a woman until I was 22. I was already a confident professional woman, secure in my world and in her acceptance and love. After she had time and came to me to ask questions, we had a wonderful talk about life and how she worried that my life would be harder. I think it is important to be authentic. The fact that you are here in this forum asking questions, means you care enough about your child to try to help. It's ok to say you need time to reflect but make sure that you communicate your unconditional love. Feel free to contact me privately if you'd like. In addition to my personal story, I am a high school teacher. Good luck!
My son just told me and he is only 16. I am not disappointed because this is about HIS life and not about MINE. Of course some of my dreams are shattered but those were my dreams and I am sure this has also shattered some of his own in many ways. Its a very hard life and I think he will certainly face so many challenges. As a mom I want things to be easy. This will make things harder. Only 10% of the people out there are gay. It will expose him to hate, prejuidice and ridicule and it will limit his options for a life partner.. It will be a huge factor in deciding which college he should go etc. He does not feel he can tell dad yet. I believe as a mom my disappointments need to take a backseat....parents must love their children enough to want THEM to be happy. Thats whats its about. Your child is a huge pie and there are 32 pieces. This is only 1 piece of that pie. It does not define who your child is. Its a gender preference. Do I wish my son was straight? Yes. Do I wish he would get to attend a highschool prom like all the other kids? Yes. But those are not things that will happen most likely. He is not going to pursue a relationship until college I think. It merely changes the path of his life in some ways. It does not really affect mine. I think parents must be supportive. No child wishes to be born this way. Its just the way they were made.
I'm going to echo what CountessAbby said. She is also a mother, going through the exact same situation you're going through right now. I'm hesitant to give you direct advice, because I don't know the full details surrounding the situation. For example, did your child come out to you, or did you find out through some other means? What exactly are you feeling and thinking? I think you should write down and share what you're feeling here. Not only will it help us provide you with better advice, it'll help organize your own thoughts. It's understanding to be shocked, and to have a million different thoughts and emotions going through you. What you really need at this moment in time, I think, is clarity. When you've organized how you feel and what you're thinking, you'll find it easier to discuss it... because remember, once you say something you can't take it back. This is usually a delicate situation that needs to be approached with care and caution.
It is VERY common for parents to react poorly to news of their child being gay, do you realize how many gay kids have bigoted parents? Sometimes it is unexpected, and some parents can tell by some of the things their child does. And oh yes parents can get angry. Like really angry. Have you ever heard of straight camps? They're like concentration camps for gay people and sometimes when a parent is REALLY angry about it they send their children there. They're supposed to turn gays straight. Parents can become very disappointed for several reasons. Religion being the main one. Homosexuality is frowned upon in almost every religion I believe. Another is because they're disappointed in the "fact" that they might not give them grandchildren, they might be afraid for what happens to their children when other people are bigoted, they're afraid that bad things will happen to their children. Forgiveness varies, it depends on the degree to which they reacted. I still haven't forgiven my mother for when I told her I was Bi as kind of a test, she reacted so poorly that I made a complete U-turn back into the closet. She called me all sorts of horrible things like a slut and thought that if I got married to a girl I would cheat with a guy. I told her I forgave her when she apologized, but I never have, and never will probably. I still cry wondering what I did to deserve that. I probably won't tell her I'm gay until I'm 18 and she can't legally do anything to me. I wish my mother had hidden her true feelings on the subject and just been supportive even if she didn't want to.
This above post makes me very sad. Parents will always be disappointed in their kids. For some reason or another. If I thought this was a concious decision my son made? I might be. But as a medical person I know this is not a "Decision" but its how he was made. You have no need to apologize for whom you are. Many parents are very biggoted. And mean. I have one myself. My goal is to never be like her. My son is who he is....I will not fault him for something he cannot control. I am very sad at how much adversity he will be up against due to his gender preferences but part of being a parent is to accept your children. They are not put on earth to make YOU happy. I encourage you to be who you are. Certainly no child is "responsible" for providing grandchildren. Good Lord what a messed up society we live in. Your mom is who she is, just as you are who you are. Try not to judge her too harshly, she cannot help who SHE is any more then you can help who you are. But you need to be true to yourself. This is about YOU, you are 15. This is NOT about "her"!!
