I think my son is gay?

Re: my son just told me he thinks he's gay.. don't know how to deal with it

Hi there, this thread is more than a year old, I would recommend making your own thread and getting advice through there. In the mean time I'm willing to help out with your questions and concerns so you can contact me if you want or if you need any help

 

Re: my son just told me he thinks he's gay.. don't know how to deal with it

Heya.

How old is your son, and does he know that you go through his emails?

My best advice right now is to just be honest with him. Tell him pretty much what you just told us here. He may not want to really talk about it, which is fine. Just let him know you are there for him.

You should have gotten a PM with a bunch of staff listed. I'd recommend that you speak to someone on there, as I'm sure they have a great deal of experience with issues like this.

 

Re: my son just told me he thinks he's gay.. don't know how to deal with it

Hi

I noticed in your message you said "He is your classic ADD kid who doesn't have any friends. This coming out would socially isolate him even more".

I confess to not knowing anything about ADD so if I am talking rubbish here please accept my apology. Playing the devil’s-advocate here I am tempted to say if he doesn't have any friends now how could he be more isolated if he came out, perhaps if he was encouraged to come out and express his true feelings he may find some friends.

Sale Gay Guy

 

I think he is still not sure, or not comfortable enough with being gay. And you should really say that everything will be okay if he is gay. That it doesn't matter for you and you will always love him. Or just don't mention the gay part and say that you will love him no matter what, that you are there for him if he has something to say. Maybe he is angry because he is kind of confused and afraid of everything that might happen to him. Just give him some time.

But you should ask him if he wants to talk to you about anything. Just do it casually.

I think you are a great mom. He should trust you. I know I would.

 

I'm not sure, but would think there aren't any dating sites that would take 15 year olds.

So either he lied about his age or it was something else. At 15, I don't think he should be on an online dating site. Let him use Facebook to connect with people, but not online dating. I wouldn't say "are you on a gay dating site" but more generally talk about that at his age, being on a dating online site isn't safe.

That said, is hes a loner and hes figuring out he's gay, hes going to need places for support -- like here on EC and youth meetings at the local LGBT center.

In terms of you asking him if he's gay... don't.

My advice is to talk openly about LGBT stuff thats on the news (and there's a lot lately) -- show that you're open, interested. Knowing that home is "safe" will be key for him.

In terms of coming out gay being isolating -- say more about that. I'd say that if he comes out as gay and connects socially with teens at an LGBT center/group-- that would be great for him. Are there other church or family issues that would isolate him if he came out as gay? If that's the case, Id say its your job, Mom, to be a strong ally for him. (and b/c you're here, I'm pretty confident of that).

Love you for being on this site for your son. You're a great Mom!

 

Gawd. l'm a girl but this sounds like me at his age.

l'd withdrawn long before anybody really suspected l was gay and it was mostly because l didn't think my friends would hang around, anyway. lt was a really dark time, in the late 90s, it's not like it was the 1890s but l think some teenagers today may not even realize that the tone was just different then.

Rammmmble, anyway. You sound like you're being very realistic about it. And not being selfish b reacting emotionally, you're just thinking about what he needs.

He shoudln't be on a dating site IMO. l'd worry about that too. He needs a place like EC or a therapist.

 

Be there for him is all that I can say. I, before coming out to my parents a few weeks ago (and look at my age!), had an intense fear that they would reject me, specifically because I never thought that home was a safe place, or that they were at all accepting.

So creating an environment where it feels safe is key. Doing things like talking about LGBT issues in the news, watching TV shows with LGBT characters together, etc. would go a long way in creating that environment. Again, like PeteNJ said, you do NOT want to ask him if he is gay, let him come out to you in his own way and on his own timelines - you can't rush or force this - it will happen when he's ready.

I'd also suggest a therapist for him when he does come out - it may be premature right now, but he's going to need lots of help (I know that my therapist has been enormously helpful to me - but I saw him of my own accord, obviously - I'm an independent adult ).

 

before i came out to my parents i was stressed out about the whole thing, and the "is everything ok?" question i just rolled off. as the others have said make sure that you create an environment that feels safe for him, and when he decides to come out to you just be supporting of him reassure him of your love and reenforce that it doesn't change how you see him, but don't (not that you would, but still) mention anything religious or any anti-gay message.

 

Thanks for coming. I'm sure this is very hard for you, and I'm sorry that you're worried and want to help. It might help to understand his perspective. Everything in this society tells him that he's disgusting for liking other men. I'm sure he hates that he's attracted to other men, but as much as he hates it, he is. So he probably feels trapped and absolutely terrified to tell a single soul on earth. That's where I was at that age, so I'd probably deny it straight up.

The other thing he's probably dealing with is that he knows that you know, but he's trying to pretend you don't, so he's hiding from that too. It's kinda like trying to hide by covering your eyes: if I can't see them, they can't see me.

You'll have to try an approach that's been pretty successful for parents here in the past, which is to sort of pretend you don't know and just drop subtle hints about your supportiveness. If you have any gay friends or other family members, you might mention how you love them. If something good happens (and there's lots of good news to go around lately on LGBTQ Nation, with great court decisions in other countries, just not the United States sadly).

That's how I was coaxed out by my newest friends: they mentioned their supportiveness, and eventually I knew they were safe.

I know it must feel like a punch in the gut, but being gay, bisexual or trans is really, really hard. We very commonly feel like our very own parents won't even accept us.

It will be a slow and grinding path, but it's the right one to take.

Love, Adrian

 

A safe living environment where he can come home and feel safe and able to discuss issues would be a great thing for any child irrelevant of their sexuality or behavioral patterns. I wouldn't force the issue of whether or not he is or isn't gay since you'd be making him make a choice and that isn't easy at his age and he will be compelled to answer in a way that he would think would either satisfy yourself, himself (reassurance, denial, etc) or would end the conversation in the quickest way possible. Just throw it out there that you know who gay, bi, etc people are and that you are accepting and loving of any person regardless of identity or preference.

Don't make him feel as if you are questioning him (Since he'll have plenty of that to do own his own, no prompting needed) but open a dialog that can be carried throughout his relationship with you as a parent, one that would allow him to feel safe and help to allow him to talk to you with less reservations about your judgment.

It's as much about how you are accepting and open about this aspect of life and relations in his presence than how you can change him to be more outgoing towards yourself (Which is not something that you can force).

I would however be concerned about his activities if he was on a dating or hook up site, heck at 15 he may feel that he is pressured to try and find people who would meet with him in any way, especially if he is socially isolated and is struggling with his own identity.

You should try and make him feel that he can come to you with issues, not by just prompting questions but by becoming involved in his life and by being a generally open person all around. It may be a struggle for you but It's far more worth giving up some of your reservations in order to help out that of a struggling child.

Therapy is a good option but don't force him into it, I've had many friends who were forced/pressured into therapy and it never gave them any help or benefit since they were never open about their issues and it became more of an issue and compulsion that was encouraged by their parents. Providing it as an option that he does not have to agree to (unless there is some major issue, but still don't treat it as a punishment since that's all it would really become) or by avoiding a yes or no answer (which demands an immediate choice) would be beneficial.

Try and find some therapists ahead of time if he seems open to the idea or help him choose one with the consideration that it can always be changed or cancelled; overly conservative or family value focused therapists may not be really useful in identity issues.

Who only knows how screwed up I was at 15, it was a dark time in my life and I was lucky to have gotten though it without some major damage even though I still carry some of those issues though with myself today.

Be there for him, there's really nothing else a parent can do (Although if there is a serious issue, like drugs, alcohol, sex, then you should confront it, not just dance around the issue).

In the case of sex I really hope you've discussed safe sex with him, if not try and bring it up in a manner that is not only reproduction related (It would be pretty stunning if he hasn't figured out some of this by now) but quality of life and mention things like condoms, lubricant, and how they are important to people of all sexual identities and such. Mention stds, HIV/AIDS, and appropriate use of testing/condoms, do it casually and be ok if it breaks off a few times and has to pick up later, it's not something that is naturally easy for a younger person to talk about with their parents.

The only thing worse than being taken advantage of is being taken advantage of and having an issue that persists beyond the encounter (std, virus, etc) and having to face the shame that is encountered when dealing with these issues, make it clear that you are ok with it and that he can talk to you. Long term consequences can be much worse than some embarrassment and shame.

So yeah that's basically what I'd feel inclined to do, don't feel as if this is like a dialog but it's just some casual advice to think about incorporating into talks with your son. Traumatizing him at once won't necessarily make him feel more open if he knows when sitting down that he's just going to face "the talk" again.

You sound like a great parent for even placing this much consideration towards your child, honestly I know that that can make a profound effect, so don't feel that any of this is wasted effort. It's a difficult time, for most everyone at this age.

 

When you say you have picked up things since he was little. Like what? He might be gay, also he might be transgendered or any of the rest of the lables. I am transgendered M to F and would have loved to known that at 15. I found out at 40 when it can't really be fixed. At 15, when you are not "normal" is really hard to deal with. In my case I am a female, but have a male body. If I was 15 it could be fixed so I would have the correct female body. So I would say rather than asking him if he is gay, find out if his spirit is male or female, and go from there. Good luck, June

 

I hope you don't feel swarmed--we are so often talking to teenagers that are deathly afraid of telling their parents (and sometimes rightly so) that when parents come on here we tend to be kind of enthusiastic.

Thank you for loving your son for who he is.

Given the complication of the ADD and the fact that he's already been registering on dating sites, I think you are right to be concerned about him. (I have ADD myself, so I know about it.)

I'm going to assume that your son has the impulsive and hyperactive symptoms associated with the disorder--I have the "primarily inattentive type," but I still know a lot about the other types as well. The impulsiveness can put your son at risk for all kinds of acting out, and ADD kids are definitely known for acting out sexually, impulsively, without protection.

When you add to this the fact that LGBT kids also act out sexually when they are trying to figure out their sexuality, your son is VERY likely to engage in all kinds of risky sexual behaviors, with all kinds of people. (LGBT teenagers are more likely to be involved in a teen pregnancy, for example, even if they are completely gay--this is partly because of the "how do you know if you haven't tried it yet" message they get from some people.) A lot of LGBT kids engage in all kinds of very urgent, stressed sexual "experimenting," trying to figure out things that really could be figured out by simple self-reflection, if it weren't complicated by shame and the fact that everything in society teaches them to expect to feel differently than they actually feel.


The first thing you need to do is buy him a large box of condoms, and encourage him to carry one or two on him all the time. He's likely to take any opportunity that presents itself, impulsively, so make sure he's prepared to practice safer sex when that happens.

Actually, I lied. The first thing you should do is tell him that you love him no matter what. Then you should buy him condoms.

It's likely that your son is gay. But it's also likely that he isn't completely sure of it right now, or that he doesn't want it to be true, and is fighting it. He's going to be going through a process to reach self-acceptance about it.

Usually, for this reason, we say to let him come to you about it in his own time, when he is ready. But because I think he's at really high risk for acting out, I don't think that's a good idea in this case. I think you need to provide structure for him to work through the process, because I think that otherwise he's likely to engage in some really dangerous behaviors in order to cope. Not only acting out sexually--I think he's at risk for other things, like drug abuse and self-harm, especially because of how unhappy you said he is.

I absolutely think you should find a therapist for him to work with. Someone with experience with gay-affirming therapy and, if possible, with ADD. Bonus points if the therapist is a gay man himself. When you take him in for therapy, make it clear that he can talk about anything he needs to in there, and it's private. Especially since you monitor his email and so forth, you need to make it really clear that this is a place where he can work through things he may not be comfortable talking to you about.

Also find out if there is a gay youth group in your area, not connected to his school, and see if you can get him to go to it. Tell him that even if he is still questioning, it will be good for him to connect with other people his own age who have been through similar things.

And ask him if he is being bullied at all at school, for things related to his sexuality or the ADD.


Additionally, if you don't mind my asking, what is being done to treat the ADD?

I strongly recommend trying to get him on some kind of functional medication regimen before he learns to drive. People with ADD who are not medicated have HORRIBLE driving outcomes, in everything from getting more speeding tickets and running red lights to dying in car crashes, to ending up in jail for "negligent vehicular homicide."

When he does learn to drive, consider having him learn on a manual--the extra work of a manual transmission helps for some people to keep them focused on the task of driving.

At fifteen, it's also a good idea to start thinking about figuring out how he is going to transition into adulthood and what he will need in place to deal with the ADD as an adult. (Not only medication, but external structures, and maybe assistance, to help him organize his life in ways that he will otherwise struggle with.)

People tend to dismiss ADD as if it were nothing, but it really isn't.

Is he struggling in school? How is the school dealing with the ADD? I don't know what country you are in. Where I live, I would hope he has something called an IEP, and Individual Education Plan. Does he get a distraction-reduced environment for exams? Is he having trouble keeping up with his homework?

 

The only advice I can give, is to get him to join EC it's helping me & it's a safe & secure site, that is full of good advice (&&&)

 

First, let me say that you're a fantastic mother. I hope you don't feel overwhelmed by the responses here, like Ianthe said - it's just that when a supportive parent shows up, it means a lot. You have no idea how much of an advantage you are to him by being supportive.

That being said, he isn't the only one who needs support. It's important for you to not leave yourself out of the equation. Naturally, EC is a wonderfully welcoming place for you. However, it still isn't a substitute for having someone you can physically interact with locally. I'm unsure of where you live, but if you live in a city there might be an active PFLAG in the area (that stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays). Doing a simple Google search for "PFLAG" and your town should give you some leads.

Being able to talk to other parents who know what you're going through, as well as other LGBT people is a huge boon for you. Not only emotionally speaking, but it opens up doors for your son as well. The better you take care of your needs, the easier time you'll have when it comes to taking care of your sons needs.

Now, let's pivot back to your son and his situation. Something that may be helpful is to find out if his school has a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance), or a similar program for LGBT students. Getting him involved in something like that would certainly help, but he might not be ready for that yet.

As others have said, he is likely in the process of coming to terms with it himself. This can be somewhat difficult to understand. We're all taught, literally from birth, that we're straight. Just imagine waking up one day and realizing that you have developed a sexual and romantic attraction to women. Some basic assumptions you've made about yourself, your very identity, are now under attack. It takes some time to work through that, to process that information, and accept it as part of who you are as a person. Sure, it's only one aspect, but it's an aspect that has a huge implication on your life and your relationships with other people - whether they are gay or straight.

He may have suspected that he was gay for some time, or could be just at the start of the process of realizing it. He could be in a "questioning" phase. Heck, he might not even be gay, he could be bisexual. Or he could just be curious, that's perfectly normal as well. The fact of the matter is until he comes out and says that he is gay, or you discover that he's actively telling other people he is gay - then it's just an assumption.

It's clear that he's having a difficult time talking to you about it. This is perfectly normal. Like Pret Allez said, he might be just trying to pretend that you don't know, because he'd have a total freak out if he accepted that you knew. Exposing yourself in this way to someone else, especially someone close to you like a parent, is terrifying. It has to do with a fear of being vulnerable. This is normal for someone who is gay, we're frequently terrified of revealing the truth due to a fear of being judged, mistreated, or rejected.

If he's known for awhile, he's likely built up a ton of horrific scenarios in his head - all of them probably false - about how you'd react. They likely range from kicking him out of the house, to disowning him, to you telling him how disgusting he is... pretty much nothing he envisioned is the outcome that you had, a positive one; one of acceptance. So, even after you've relayed that you accept him no matter what, he might still have all these negative thoughts and fears in his head. This creates anxiety and panic, and one of the ways to try and deal with that is to attempt to avoid the issue all together.

So, what do you do? As others said, the only real thing you can do is create an environment in which he feels comfortable talking to you, and let him know that you love him no matter what. Then as time passes, find ways to give him an opening to talk to you. Bring up things in the news, and make it clear that you're on the pro-gay side of things. You constantly want to reinforce - again and again - the fundamental values of: being gay is normal, and that you'd accept and love him no matter what.

Then you need to do what you can to eliminate anti-gay stuff from your environment. If you're with someone who says something anti-gay, especially in front of your son, take a stand. Not only does it send the proper message to other people that mistreating others isn't okay, and that it goes against your values; it sends a very positive message to your son that you're willing to fight for him. Everyone wants their parents to defend and protect them, it doesn't matter how old you get, there aren't many things more hurtful than being shamed or abused in front of your parents and having them stand idly by silently as it happens.

This is one of the reasons having people around you that can support you is so helpful. It'll help give you the courage to make a stand if or when you have to on behalf of your son. You won't feel like you're fighting alone; you'd know that there are people out there who have your back.

Now, I want to address the elephant in the room. That's the fact that your son is 15 years old and on a dating site. I'm personally unaware of any dating sites targeted at teenagers. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that your son is on there looking for sex, but the reality is whether he is looking for it or not it'll find him. And to get on that site, he most likely had to lie about his age, claiming that he was at least 18 years old.

Because he's so isolated and alone, he's emotionally vulnerable. He may be on the site simply attempting to connect with other gay men. It's perfectly normal to want to do something like that; to connect with other people who understand what you're feeling and going through. However, an older man can take advantage of him rather easily. Since he's still so young and emotionally vulnerable, all it really takes is for a guy who is interested in hooking up with him is a bit of listening and a few compliments. He lets your son know that he isn't alone, that he understands what he is going through, tells him how cute he is, and then after a few conversations over a couple of days - attempts to arrange a meet up with him, or for him to send nude photos or something if the guy is really far away.

Being a teenager, your son likely doesn't even realize that he could be manipulated this way. Even if you tell him, he may still believe that he can handle it. Hell, it's easy for adults to fall into the same trap. When you're lonely and depressed, and someone is making you feel good about yourself... you WANT to believe them, and it becomes easy to overlook any potential danger or risks. If your son has impulsive behavior due to ADD, then the risk of this happening is magnified.

So, what do you do? Well, you shouldn't just forbid him to go to the site. If he's reaching out trying to connect to other gay people (a very positive thing that should be encouraged!), then the last thing you want is for him to feel that you "approve" of him, but don't want him interacting with anyone who is gay. It's easy to interpret that in a negative light, and it goes counter to the message of love and acceptance.

Since he doesn't want to open up to you face-to-face, I suggest writing him an e-mail. In that e-mail you can express what you're feeling and thinking. You can pointedly tell him that you love him no matter what, and you can tell him that it's okay to not feel comfortable to talk about things right now. It'll give you a chance to really organize your thoughts and say EXACTLY what you want to say, which is much harder to do face to face.

Once you do that, you can talk about how concerned and worried that you are about him being on the dating site. Be honest and explain to him, that it's perfectly normal to want to connect with other gay people. Point out to him that you trust him, but you worry about the older men on the site taking advantage of him. Explain that you would like for him to leave the site.

Then immediately pivot and offer him some safer alternatives. This way you aren't cutting him off from access to other LGBT people, you're just trying to make sure he's connecting with people in a safe environment. There are lots of sites online for gay teens.

Obviously, EC should be included in that list. The site is designed in such a way to try and protect younger members, and has special rules in place that limit off-site contact information. These rules are very strongly enforced. There are also many people here his age, and many supportive older individuals as well. The community is set up primarily for support, but of course people visit to just hang out as well.

You can go to Google and find three or four other places that you feel might be safe for him to visit. You can close the letter by reiterating how much you love him, that you only want to make sure he is both safe and happy, and that you're there for him to talk when he feels he is ready. You can also offer him the opportunity to write you back, if he feels more comfortable writing to you than talking to you face to face, because sometimes speaking is more difficult than writing things down.

With luck, he'll at least write you back. Once you get him talking, it'll be easier to breach his wall, and it'll make it easier for him to sit down and talk to you face to face.

Over the next few days, keep close tabs on him. Keep your eye on his e-mail account, and that dating site. With luck he'll delete his profile on his own, if not you may have to get a bit more direct. Mostly, you're trying to keep an eye on anyone who might be trying to contact him.

Hopefully, he opens up and you both can have a good discussion about things. Then that makes the next talk you need to have with him much easier. That's the safe sex talk. Mostly, it's going to be about condoms and how to use them properly. How much do you know about condoms and their proper use?

Despite popular belief condoms aren't a license for sex. They're an investment in health. The average teenager is going to have sex without condoms, simply because they don't have access to them. With or without condoms, teenagers will find a way to have sex if they want too. By ensuring that condoms are available to him, you're ensuring that if he chooses to have sex that he does so responsibly. If he engages in impulsive behavior due to his ADD then his risk factors are pretty high, and this makes this all the more necessary.

It can be an uncomfortable thing to discuss with your son (or daughter for that matter), but it can literally mean the difference between life and death. I don't know how you were when you were a teenager, but speaking for myself I know once the hormones kicked in abstinence wasn't even on the radar. And this is true, regardless of sexual orientation. It's just a normal part of growing up, and as adults the best thing we can do is accept that fact and try and provide as much guidance and opportunities for responsible behavior as possible.

Best of luck! If you want to write a letter like I suggested, then don't be afraid to post it here for feedback. Also, please keep us updated and let us know if we can be of any additional help.

 

Hi mom,

I'm a high school teacher. Parents have often told us many things about their children when they aren't sure where to go or what to do. A mother did come to me once concerned that her son was gay. Not being a trained counselor, I will tell you what I told her. Teenagers are desperate to fit in. They don't want to be different. They are even upset if they can't afford the latest gadget that everyone has. As difficult as it will be for you, you should try not to ask or insist that he tell you. They want their independence and privacy at all costs as they navigate their way. They just want to know that you are there, that you love them and that you will accept them no matter what. Once you have communicated that to you son. Try to step back and find your own support group. PFLAG would be a great place for you since they could help you much more than I can.

Good luck!

 

I suppose scratch what I said earlier, because I really agree with this. xD Normally I am a promoter of honesty, but it's probably best for him to come out to you rather than for you to out him. He will come out when he's comfortable doing so.

At the same time I really don't like the idea of a kid on a dating site. :/ It would be nice for him to have some sort of support group, offline or online.

Edit: Then again, after reading some of the other comments, I'm not sure where exactly I stand here.

---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2013 at 11:59 AM ----------

After reading over Ianthe's post again, I'm really going to have to side with her. I should start thinking these things through before posting...

 

I'm not a parent, but as a child who was confronted by my father for gay porn, I would like to say that I stopped having a real relationship with him for 11 years because of it. His fears were my fears from the age of 13, and I was more isolated than before he checked the Internet history. You're doing the right thing for telling him you'll love him, but he's losses at you because he has absolutely no sense of privacy. I can't tell you how much pain my father's mishandling of the situation caused me. Coincidentally, I started drinking at 14, and had a problem with alcohol for the next 10 years.

On other occasions, when I thought I was hiding the history better, my brother would find it and tell my mom, right in front of me. My mom would get angry, tell my brother to stop being a tattle tail, but she never acknowledged it was happening. I have ADD as well, and the risks of drug/alcohol abuse is higher for people with ADD, and it is also higher among the closeted. It's a double whammy. Don't police your son, that's not the right thing to do.

If I could turn back time and re-write the story, I would have not had a homophobic family, they would not have been in denial, they would not have checked Internet history, and the environment would be that to which I felt comfortable coming out to them on my own terms. Don't check his emails.. A lot of the fears you're having are being casted onto him, and they're yours to own. Be a better supporting person, and don't harbor fears for him.

---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2013 at 11:24 AM ----------

If he is endangering himself through the Internet, maybe some further education on the dangers of online dating. 15 is not an acceptable age for a dating site, and he'd have to be lying about his age to get on one. It's weird that he's searching the Internet for guys, so maybe I should retract on what I said earlier. As for porn you may find, don't bring it up, it's embarrassing. What problems did have previously on Facebook? I have a 14 year old cousin who isn't allowed to have a Facebook account, and she doesn't argue about getting one. Go see a counselor. You will probably have about 3 sessions that go no where, judging by his personality, but eventually he will open up. I think you need the mediated setting of having a counselor.

Discourage the dating site stuff, and tell him that your be more comfortable if he met people through organizations, that way he wouldn't have to hide his attractions, and you'd get to know his friends he meets as well.