My teenage son is gay

This really shocked me quite a bit and I had no idea...so I was just floored when he told me.....and now, I know about it but his dad does not. He is a super kid and the best student, well adjusted and just very together. Best kid in the world....honor student etc...I am so very proud of him. I am and always have been a huge supporter and believer in gays and their rights and he knows this, I believe that is why he told me. He does not want his father to know. I am a bit uneasy with this decision because his siblings know and he has also told some of his friends. I dont want dad hearing it somewhere else. I think it is not my secret to share and if his father knowing will make him uncomfortable then I wont tell dad.....my son can make that decision and he gets to pick the time. Its his secret to tell. I am 100% behind him and this doesnt affect my feelings towards him at all. Its no difference to me if he is gay or straight. Should I encourage him to tell his dad or continue to wait? I told him I will go along with whatever he wants but it seems to be harder and harder to keep this from my husband. And I dont want my son to be in any way ashamed of who he is. I have always been the mom telling my kids to "be who you ARE". I have told him he is in a unique position to break the sterotypes, and to be a good example for other young gay guys, l his dad is small minded and has very limited exposure to people of a nontraditional lifestyle. I am much more wordly, accepting and open minded... But I dont want him to be uncomfortable in his own home either. Any advice to a supportive mom? Thanks in advance!

 

Wow! Thanks for the quick replies! So helpful! Dad has made terrible comments in the past unthinkingly...when he has seen a very flamboyant gay on American Idol he has made cutting comments and my son who is 16 still remembers them. I have always been quick to add' This is how these people are born. They are a pie of 32 pieces and this is only one piece! So he is narrow minded......mostly because he was raised by a very homophobic father. He has relaxed his views a lot and recently he, too agreed to vote for Obama because everyone should have the same rights...so he is slowly coming around. He is a very private person and I have reassured my son his dad does not "hate" gays. What he objects to is the outward discussions of sex. Of any nature,....his own included. He just doesnt feel it needs to be discussed in mixed company. Sex is private and personal, period. I asked my son "Do you hear your father discussing OUR sex life" And he was like "god NO!" And he agreed that is likely what dad doesnt like...ANYone taking their sex life into a public forum like a "parade" to him is just too private. Actually my son agrees and he is very quiet about this but he will not lie about it either, if asked. He is very popular and accepted at his very small school, some kids know, some dont. He told me that he has been picked on zero times. There are a few gay male teachers there so I think that helps. I am working on dad and he knows how strongly I have always felt. I have repeated it constantly over the years...and I have gay friends etc. He loves his son more then anything and this will shock him but he would never kick him out or reject him. Our son says not to let him know until he leaves for college and once he doesnt have to live here he will feel more comfortable so I am taking his lead. His dad thinks all gays act "girly' and are limp wristed and he believes all the sterotypes. My son is quite manly, has a deep voice and really has nothing about him that would leave you to even suspect he is gay. He is not athletic but very brainy, very good looking and never does anything that would lead anyone to ever guess. I didnt have a clue. But I have told him over the years those kids are just like everyone else and he needs to respect them. Little did I know!

---------- Post added 27th Feb 2013 at 07:48 PM ----------

Dad is narrow minded and from a small town. The gay kids were considered "Weird" but he has a heart of gold and he loves and deeply admires his son and is very proud of him. But his son is partly not who he thinks he is....I have been working on his attitude for about 25 years and he has come around. He has said once "that would be really hard but if its your kid, you just accept it" I told my son "dad may hear it elsewhere and how shall i respond then"? My son says "you will LIE, mom. And I will also LIE" So, there it is. It makes not an iota of difference to me. But he should be able to tell dad, and he feels he can't. I am going to take his lead as you have all suggested. We talk openly all the time when dad is gone. About the best college, etc. When dad is here were clam up.

 

I am very sad that he will have a much more challenging time finding a relationship, he will miss out on many highschool rite of passage things like dates and proms and he doesnt give a hoot. He told me he has no intentions of pursuing relationships until he goes to college. He is very sensible and mature. But this will make his life so much harder. I love him for who he is and he knows that. I just want him to be happy. I feel weird keeping it from dad but will do it. I guess I resent a little bit that for the first time in 25 years I am keeping a secret from my spouse. I am a little pissed off about it but he brought it on himself with his narrow minded views and his occasional nasty anti gay comments. And this is not about ME. Its about my son. Its also not about his dad. I reminded him of that as well.

---------- Post added 27th Feb 2013 at 08:05 PM ----------

You are right! Absolutely. He does still have that sterotype in his head. Some men are just more feminine as they are made that way. Period. Why should it affect him or bother him? He has said "those guys creep me out" and things of that nature. I think just finding out...will make him realize he is WRONG WRONG WRONG about teh stereotypes and his son will be the one to crush it. Our first son was not very masculine, quite small, enjoys cooking, gardening, etc. I thought he was gay for years. He is not. But this son? Totally masculine, very deep voice, etc.Tall...bigger guy. Thats the irony here, neither of us suspected this one at all. Just my son continuing to be quietly gay and not being outright, boisterous or acting and talking in that "typical" manner...means his dads ideas have all been wrong. Who better in a position to make dad see that then his own son? He is a very kind man, a loving man and he has been a stay at home dad for 16 years, he loves this child more then life itself. He will want nothing more then his happiness once it sinks in. I have been having discussions to soften his nonsense. I have finally told him I will not stand for anymore derogatory statements regarding gays since I have family members and friends. I find it offensive. So he has stopped doing it. But that doestn mean he has changed his mind,

 

You have all been incredibly uplifting and positive..and thank you so very much. My dreams for my son dont matter to me...I wish I could snap prom photos and wish for his life to be different, for it to be easier to find a partner etc but those are only MY wishes. I do realize this journey is not about me, but about him. This is how he was made and he needs to be proud of who he is. I will not tolerate any other attitude from his dad. I will simply remind dad this is not about him. As a mom I want my child to be happy. I dont care about his gender preference in the least. Its none of my business. I will welcome anyone he loves into my life as long as they treat him well. I have to say thank you to everyone for the compliments. I am just a mom with a very open mind. I am a medical professional and I think having some psychology helped a lot in school. We are not religious. Nor do we attend church. I have told all my kids since they were in elementary school that when they become adults they are allowed to pick their own religion and their own partner. And I meant it. Those are their own choices to make. I do not think I am all that exceptional, I think most parents love their kids. But they get their "own" dreams in the way. What I want for my son is an easy life and this will certainly make things harder for him. And what I want needs to take a backseat. You have all been so helpful I am just feeling all warm and squishy. I cannot thank you enough. I am thinking of having him come to this website himself. I will take into consideration every suggestion you have all made to me including the counseling. Thanks so very much.

---------- Post added 28th Feb 2013 at 06:56 PM ----------

Whats all this religious nonsense? I dont get how these churchy people can be all up in arms about gender preference. The bible does not say a damn thing about it as far as I can tell. Seriously? What a boatload of nonsense. So Christians hopefully all know we are all sinners. Hate the sin not the sinner. None of us is perfect. People who make bad choices and hateful choices are bigger sinners then those born with a different makeup. I have heard enough about the religious people and their hating on gays. I call shenanigans.

---------- Post added 28th Feb 2013 at 07:08 PM ----------

I'm the bigger guy of the two of us, pretty athletic, bartender, lady's man all throughout high school and college, hunter/fisher, deep-voiced...and the gay one.

I wish my folks thought like you did though Abby. My parents have known my boyfriend since he was too young to drink, they even think of him like their own son because his parents are kind of worthless and they sort of took him in.

This just makes me sad. You and your friend should be able to tell your parents without such fear of retribution. I understand they are probably a product of close minded parents too. I think in every situation one must do what makes their life the easiest when it comes to living an alternative lifestyle. If your parents die thinking your just friends and they go with a smile then maybe thats best for you all. Its a hard game to play. My blessings and best wishes to you and your friend. Maybe a peaceful resolution is just around the corner. Life is so funny. Maybe your parents need to surround themselves with their imaginary dream world because it insulates them from upsetting their apple cart. There are plenty of nice folks out there who just dont "get it"
They can still be good parents, just not very understanding ones.

 

You are adults now and you can do what you want without approval of your parents. Really. Its not like you just shot and killed someone..or you have cancer. There are simply too many other really awful things in this world a person's kids can do ! You need never tell them. Its your choice. I think you reach an age where you dont care as much about their opinion once your older and more independant. As you said, whats the worse they can do? Sounds to me like they have raised a lovely child and you have done nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of and you are still the same kid you always were. This is a minor bump in the road. It can be none of their business or it can be set out on the table for them to deal with. That is your choice, nobody elses. I really do wish you the best of luck! You are still their child and they may not approve but then...they dont have to. You dont need their permission to have love in your life. Love of YOUR choosing and not of theirs