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Why is my son doing this? Any advice?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by FancyBlue, Mar 1, 2013.

  1. FancyBlue

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    I am so glad to have found this forum. I've been searching for a place to try and get some thoughts, opinions, support, ANYTHING for the last year at least. There is no place near where I live to go for support, so I needed to find somewhere online, and after reading a few posts already, you all seem like such a helpful community...I just don't know where to turn.

    My son is about to turn 21. I will start right off by saying that he's involved in prostitution with male clients through a service that actually has an office that he needs to report to daily. I know about it because, after he'd been lying to me about what he's been doing for a long time (basically just telling me he's been working at host clubs, which cater to women), I found a website with a very detailed profile on it about what he's offering.

    Just to get it out of the way - the fact that he might be gay doesn't bother me in the least. What DOES bother me is his lying and possibly being unsafe in what he's doing.

    I've actually suspected that he was gay for a long time, since he was a teenager, thanks to clues he has left around the house, and have just waited patiently for him to finally let me know. I've been raising him as a single mom the whole time, and have always been under the impression that we fought through a lot of trials together and had a close relationship...or at least one where he'd feel comfortable confiding in me with that information. No such luck, yet.

    Strangely, I've even managed to get him to admit to me that he worked at the prostitution service through a tearful conversation, but that he only did it because it was quick money. That was months ago now, though, and he claimed to have quit at one point and started doing some other kind of work within the community of host clubs, but just a few days ago I found out that he had signed on with a new service.

    You may be wondering at this point why this is even any of my business.
    The reason it is, for one thing, is that we are living in a different country, and his working in the prostitution business is in violation of his visa, and getting caught could get him deported and homeless. Not even to mention how worried I am that he might be being unsafe. He's been known to be rather careless when it comes to little details.

    If only he'd just open up to me about all of this, we could discuss it a bit, and I wouldn't have to worry so much. I don't understand why he'd be shutting me out of his life like this. He has no reason to ever get the feeling I might disown him or even be disappointed with him for revealing his sexuality. It's a huge part of his life, and one I wish I could share his happiness in. His dishonesty and sneaking around gnaws at me and makes me worry about what else he might be hiding. I can't figure out what might be attracting him to promiscuity, either. There are plenty of other jobs he could be doing, or schools he could be attending, but he chooses this over everything else.

    I love my son so much. He's my only child and we've been through a lot together. I just feel so hurt that he's distanced himself from me this way. Even worse that he might be putting his health at risk and not having a problem with the possibility of getting into serious trouble with his visa, too. If he gets himself deported, I may never get to see him again! Why doesn't he care? It breaks my heart, and I don't know what to do. Should I try to have another talk with him? Should I just let it go and let him get himself into trouble? The whole issue is just this massive elephant in the room any time he's here at home.

    Has anyone been through this, or known anyone who has? Please, if you have any advice on what I can do to get him to just be honest with me, I would appreciate it so much. I am so worried about him, and want him to feel that I am supporting him, but how can I do that if he won't let me? What could he be thinking?

    I fear that I'm now coming across as a busybody, nosing through his stuff, but please trust me - he leaves things around for me to find when I clean up around the house, so it's easy to tell when he's lying to me about things like his job, and even his relationships. Please be kind. I know this post probably sounds very scattered, but I didn't know where to begin to tell the story, so I'm sorry that it's not very well written. There are a few things that have been left out, too, but this was the most important issue, and I didn't want to overwhelm you with a novel here. If anyone will respond, I will try to make things more clear if there are any questions or points of confusion.

    Thank you so much in advance. I hope to hear from some of you!
     
  2. TheDude

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    Hi and welcome to EC

    I'm sorry for what you're going through, and although I can't give you an advice that can help you to convince your son to quit, all I can say is that perharps you could write him a long letter telling him all these things you're telling us. Let him know that you love him and that he doesn't need to pursue prostitution. Tell him that he has his whole life ahead of him and it's not worth the risk what he is doing right now.
    What's important for him to understand is that he can trust you and that he can rely on you. He might not turn to you right away, but let him know that you are there for him.

    I do believe that confrontation may not be the best way to approach this, as it might end up in a fight. I can't tell for sure as I don't know how your son could react.

    I hope this helps (*hug*)
     
  3. newgirl31

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    Aw I just want to hug you! It doesn't sound nosey, just sounds like a mom who loves her child.

    I don't have much advice to give but I am sure others might. One question that might be hard, is he involved in any substance abuse that you know of? It could be way wrong to ask, but I am in recovery for alcohol and drug addiction and my friends in recovery who have worked in the sex industry talk about that being part of the problem... addiction allows/creates depression, moral degradation, financial insecurity, etc that keeps growing.

    I was at the end of my rope and my parents made it obvious that I could come home and that they loved me, but I also clearly saw they wouldn't just watch me self destruct.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  4. Lez

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    (*hug*) Sounds like you really love your son. I don't have a lot of advice, but do wonder if he might have a sexual addiction. And yes that is a real addiction. Best of luck to you both.
     
  5. FancyBlue

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    Thank you so much for your reply, Dude. XD
    He already knows that I suspect that he may be gay, and we've touched on the subject at least a few times for sure. I made sure to do it as gently as possible, or at least as best I knew how, by - after finding out about the place he was working for - telling him that I loved him whether he was gay, straight or anything else, and that it was ok. I also mentioned to him how worried I was about the kind of work he was doing and the risks involved.

    Unfortunately, complicating things is my husband, who doesn't like him to come to the house at all. He has good reason not to want him here, though, since my son does not like to follow the house rules, and is constantly doing things to aggravate my husband totally aside from the work he's engaging in. At the beginning, he welcomed my son, but after enough times of him being inconsiderate, among other things, he doesn't like him being here anymore. It's a mess...

    True, too, that if I push him too hard, he's got a hair trigger, and the conversation will likely end in a screaming match, which I definitely try to avoid.

    Thank you so much for your kindness. I'll just try to wait it out and see if maybe this is just some acting out of some kind. We've both been through some rough patches in the last 5 years, so I have to hope that maybe this is just part of the fallout from that, and maybe it'll eventually settle down. I just hope that it's before something bad can have a chance to happen.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2013 at 04:56 PM ----------

    Hi Newgirl, and thank you for your thoughtful reply!
    As for substance abuse...I don't think so, but I'm not sure, since he'd be hiding it well. I know he drinks from time to time, but I never see him bring it into the house, and I don't think I've ever seen or heard him sound the slightest bit tipsy. I think it's strictly for when he's doing the hosting work, and he drinks with the clients and his coworkers. We found some cigarettes when my husband was reclaiming a valuable bag that my son had taken from him without asking, but he made an excuse for that. I never smell cigarette or any other kind of smoke in his room, though, so I don't know.

    My husband is aggravated at him for being inconsiderate when he stays at the house with us (he otherwise often lives in dorms where his coworkers also live together in the same room), but we've made it a rule that if he decides to quit that kind of work and get a normal job for normal pay, we would let him live here. So he's been reassured that he'd be covered, should he decide to finally quit that. He just chooses to keep doing it. :frowning2:

    It was not at all wrong to ask, as I've been wondering the same thing! I really wish you the best with your recovery. It sounds like you're on the right track! Thank you so much, again! (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2013 at 05:03 PM ----------

    Hi Lez, and thank you for your kind reply!
    I wondered as soon as I found he'd switched agencies whether he had a sex addiction, too. I can't even imagine how that kind of thing would start! I thought at first maybe he was just looking for a partner, and looking in the wrong places, and maybe he is, but...if he'd just TALK to me about how he's feeling, I could try to understand and help him work through it.

    I'm not sure why, because I'm a very sensitive person myself and was always open to letting my son speak to me any time he needed to for any reason at all, but he's avoided speaking to me about deeply sensitive issues for many years. Since he turned about 10 years old, maybe. I could just sense it. For all I know, I might have been putting out some kind of signal that made him want to clam up, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what or when. I know I wasn't a perfect mom, having to work full time and still raise my boy, but communication lines were always open, and I always let him know that...I just don't understand it. I could deal with it if he just unloaded all of the things he thought were wrong with the way I raised him one day - I'd be happy just to hear him vent it all out, rather than keep it bottled up, and keep all these secrets inside!

    Thanks again so much for your kind reply!
     
  6. skiff

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    Hello,

    Have you considered that possibly you are creating your own issue?

    I have a sweet, caring loving mother but it is impossible to discuss anything beyond the weather with her. This is due to the negative, irrational, intrusive, disrespectful behaviour when she learns something she disagrees with. This is how she is and her adult children, some of which are grandparents themselves, have adopted a strategy of telling her nothing to avoid the issue.

    Bringing the situation of her behaviour to her attention solves nothing.

    In short; some sweet, loving, caring mother's create their own disconnect with their adult children by not setting adult boundaries.

    Your son is a 21 year old man and no longer a child. If you have a concern you may point it out once and then leave it alone. Constant nagging will shut doors very quickly.

    My mother is in denial about this and as a group her children have taken the strategy simply not to tell her anything.

    You cannot be a "helicopter mom" to adults, no matter how sweetly, loving and caring way you do it without some blow back.

    Have you considered this possibility?

    Stuck
     
    #6 skiff, Mar 2, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2013
  7. Gravity

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    It seems to me like this is pretty clearly a complicated situation that won't be resolved in a single thread, but a couple thoughts at least:

    First of all, it seems like you're pretty clear on what's bothering you here - health concerns and general personal safety, as well as legal ramifications concerning his status where you live. It's good that you have this clarified, since obviously it will make it easier to have any future conversations with him (and I'm sure that, one way or another, the issue will come up again).

    One thing I would suggest though is that any future conversations happen in a very non-emotional manner. You mentioned that the one time you did get to talk about it was a tearful conversation - if that's how it happened, then that's fine, but there's pretty clearly a lot of emotions flying around in this situation, and it's quite possible that that's clouding the ability of everyone involved to really communicate what's at stake for them. Is there any kind of mediator that you could find for this? Whether a professional, like a family counselor, or a family member or friend that you know you could both trust to offer a sort of outside opinion here?
     
  8. amoamaru

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    Well I am no expert, but just let me tell you this in my opinion you are at a crossroads. You either let your son do whatever he wants because he is "a grown man". Or you confront him and tell him to explain you what is he engaging is such behavior and remind him the risks involved in such activity and also the negative consequences such as losing his visa.

    There is no age when a man nor a woman is too old for listening to his/her moms advice. Just tell him that you know he is gay and that you dont mind but you are worried about this acivities he is engaging in, always keep your cool mom! You know you can because you are strong. You raised a kid all by yourself and that takes A STRONG AND BRAVE HEART and also lots of love at the end I think that if he realize you just want to talk about it and you both remain calm you figure this out. Just remember try to stay calm and in control of the situation and make him feel that you are doing this because you love him and you care about him.
     
  9. FancyBlue

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    Hi Stuck, I wouldn't have a thing to say about his behavior if he would act like that almost 21 year old man and not allow us to be involved in the situations he creates by his careless actions. Should the day come that he doesn't come to our home, disrespect our rules (and the simple task of locking the front door when he leaves the house when nobody's home is not unreasonable, yet only telling him once was not enough to stop him from continually failing to do it - should I wait to nag him about it again until after we've been robbed?), leave us to deal with collections people who come to OUR door because he won't pay the bills he's racked up (because he won't change his address from ours to wherever he's living every how many months at a time), and possibly create a huge mess for us to have to clean up after should he get caught doing the kind of work he's doing which is in violation of his visa, I will be happy to stop telling him to stop. As long as it is affecting myself and my husband, however, he will hear about it - as well he should. When he's out on his own, it'll be a different story entirely.

    My biggest concern when I first wrote this post was sadness that he didn't want to share some sensitive and important things in his life with me, but if that's his decision, ultimately I can't do anything about it, and I already know that nagging won't do a thing to help that.

    I'm sorry if my reply sounds harsh, but it sounds like you want to characterize me as being like your mother. If she keeps nagging at you and your other family members for things you're doing while you're an adult and out on your own - I agree that it's not right, and she should be kept out of the information loop, especially if it's not affecting her life in the least, and she's just picking things to get melodramatic about. While I am indeed worried about my son's actions away from home, the only time I nag him about anything is when he's doing things that could have a negative impact on my life or that of my husband's. What he does when he's completely independent and out on his own will be his own business, and nothing I will have any right to nag him about. All I've been hoping is that he'd be honest with me about what's truly going on in his heart.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2013 at 05:29 PM ----------

    Gravity, thank you so much for this, and especially for understanding how the whole thing is twisted up. I wish there were some way we could go to counseling. It's very expensive where we live, and there's a problem with the language barrier in the country we live in, as well. I'm fair enough in the language, but he's not, and it would be very difficult having someone who doesn't understand English to mediate between us, unfortunately. I don't know what I can do to proceed from here at all, other than to just wait it out and hope that a few years down the road, things will be better, he'll feel more comfortable opening up to me, and won't have gotten into serious problems. If something should happen to his health, I don't know what we'd do. He doesn't have health insurance because he doesn't qualify for national health insurance, thanks to the job, and there is no way I have the money to cover treatment for anything that might happen to him. We've already got collectors coming to the door because of a scan that he had done for an unusual illness that sent him to the hospital a few months ago, and there's no way I can pay that. The thing that stings about that is that he's had the money to pay for it during this time, but hasn't bothered to. I can't understand why he wouldn't, but that's all part of this mess.

    Thank you so much for your patient and very sensible ideas. I'm going to put some more thought into it, actually, and see if there is any way at all we can get some kind of mediation going. I have no idea who he'd open up to about such sensitive things.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2013 at 05:39 PM ----------

    Amoamaru, thank you for the encouragement.

    I usually try to go ballistic (if I'm going to) before I have the chance to meet with him to discuss anything, then, when we talk, I try very hard to be calm and not let it escalate. He's just so touchy about every little thing, he'll be the one to blow up at the mere mention of a problem I'd like to address, or just the subject of where he's working and the possible repercussions if he gets caught. We haven't talked about it in a long time because i'm trying to avoid fighting about it, but I can feel that there are things he'd like to talk to me about, but for some reason just won't...If I could make him feel that he could trust me enough to tell me what he feels, I would reward him with my love and understanding. I love my son, and I just want to know that he's happy. He's been very unruly for the last 3 years, but it'll never stop me from loving him and being there for him in any way I can (reasonably speaking, at least), if he just asks. Thank you so much for your kind reply. All of these replies have been making me think more about how I can accept what's going on, and maybe just be ok with continuing to just let him take his time. It's just difficult when it's mixed up with the risky behavior. Thank you again, and thanks to all of you for your input!!
     
  10. Aldrick

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    Hey FancyBlue. Welcome to EC. (*hug*)

    Listening to your story, I think I can relate to your son to some degree, at least when it comes to vulnerability issues. I no longer have the anger, hair trigger temper, and aggressiveness when someone was "poking around in my business." However, I still shut down whenever the attention is reflected on me. It's very, very, very difficult for me to be truly vulnerable with anyone in person at all. Most people just think of me as a "very private person" - although there are more serious issues going on than just a love of privacy.

    Just throwing something out there as an explanation, as to why he may be involved in prostitution... keep in mind that this is just one possibility, but I know someone with my issues could easily be drawn to something like that. It actually has less to do about sex, than about self-worth. Putting myself in his shoes, I basically walk around in life with a measuring stick. I'm constantly comparing myself to others, and I'm constantly seeking validation that I'm acceptable, that I'm worthy, that I'm desirable, etc. Even if I don't vocalize it, I'm constantly looking for it and watching for it in other people.

    Money is like the ultimate measurement. When someone pays you - that's how much you're worth. If you're paid a lot, you're worth a lot, if you're paid less, you're worth less. The desire comes to always earn more. I've experienced this in more traditional jobs. In my mind, I'm a lazy, good-for-nothing slob, who is too slow, and to stupid to get anything right. Then I hear people who've worked with me comment on my work ethic - how hard I work, the detail and effort I put into it... it impresses them. But I never see that. All I know is that I'm busting my ass, throwing everything I have into it, not to do a good job, but to prove to other people that I'm not all the things that I think that I am... thus, when they make positive comments I feel validated. The money further validates it. This leads to exhaustion and horrific burn out, but that's another story all together.

    When it comes to men, the moment a guy finds me attractive I feel validated. It's an insane emotional high. I love the compliments, the flirtation, and his desire. It makes me feel good, and not in a healthy way. I want to please him and look as perfect as possible, because I'm afraid that if I show the slightest hint of being human, that he'll just be utterly repulsed. I know this is insanely illogical.

    What this basically means is that I feel most comfortable with guys who are only interested in sex. I'm afraid of a guy who wants to get to know me, because by getting to know me he's going to see all the crap that I struggle to hide from everyone. A guy who just wants sex, well he isn't interested in anything important. I can keep up the facade, and not risk getting emotionally hurt.

    Thankfully, I'm rather self-aware and I'm able to reign in my most destructive impulses. I know that I am at a high risk for addiction, and other destructive behavior and so I deliberately try to avoid stuff that will lead me down that path.

    However, I can imagine being in your sons shoes though. I can imagine the near high I would get from what he does. You mix money and sex together, and you've just created the ultimate measuring stick for me to validate myself. The fact that I would find myself not only desired sexually, but that someone is willing to pay me for it when they could get it for free elsewhere... I could easily imagine that becoming highly addictive to me.

    This is just my perspective though. I'm not saying your son and I are the same. I'm just saying, if he has similar problems to me, then he might have similar issues.

    Something else I find troubling is his forgetful behavior. I read the thread previously, but didn't have time to respond until now. There was a gut feeling prior - based on the little things you kept pointing out, but when you mentioned that he keeps forgetting to lock the front door... have you considered that your son may have adult ADHD? I hate to just throw something out there like that, because I'm not a medical professional, but based on some of the stuff you've written I see some symptoms.

    When I went to seek help last year, it was originally under the impression that I might have adult ADD-PI. I wasn't sure, I was looking to be diagnosed, and to be frank - I just wanted pills to help me focus. It was bothering me that I wasn't able to focus as much as I'd like... it turns out I didn't have ADD-PI, but very bad anxiety and PTSD which can simulate some of the symptoms.

    I looked into it before going to the doctor, and I'm seeing some of the symptoms in your sons behavior. I'm just throwing this out there as a possibility of an underlying problem complicating matters.

    I definitely think that there is some underlying stuff going on. Your son, I believe, needs professional help. I don't think that this is something that is going to get better on its own; it probably isn't something that he's just going to be able to snap out of and be 'normal' like everyone else. There is clearly something going on.

    I don't think you can just spring something like this on him, though. I also don't think you can really do this in person, based on what you've written about his personality, it'll probably just blow up into a fight or he'll shut down completely. My advice is to write an e-mail.

    In the e-mail, you want to reiterate some of the stuff you've talked about in the past. If he knows that you know he's gay, then write about it. Tell him, as you've told us, that you've suspected for a long time and was just patiently waiting until he was ready to talk about it. Let him know that all you want is for him to be happy, and that you love him no matter what. Make the point that you love him clear, and go over it again and again.

    Tell him that you know that it's hard to talk about things face to face. Tell him that if he feels comfortable, he can write back to you to discuss things. Tell him that you won't bring things up in person if he doesn't do it first (this is so he doesn't avoid you), and that you're willing to work at whatever pace he feels comfortable working at.

    Don't engage in any finger pointing, or discuss what he needs to change or what he needs to do. If he's like me, that's all he'll focus on, and all he'll hear. The goal with the letter is to try and open a dialog with him; you want to get him talking. If you can get him talking, then you can begin to ease him in the right direction to get him the help he needs.

    If he tries to shift the focus of things, like onto you or your husband, don't become distracted by it. That's what I'd do; I'd try to make it about someone else rather than me. It's an attempt to deflect. Your husband isn't the issue or the problem here, when he married you he also married your son as it all came as part of a package deal. For better or for worse, for rich or for poor. Right now, things are in the worse category, with the goal of making them better.

    I realize you're in a foreign country, but you never mentioned which country. Regardless, I'm pretty sure someone who can help your son can speak english. The issues facing your son, are too big and complicated for you to handle alone. I think he needs professional help; if he doesn't get it, then I'm afraid you're looking at things either getting worse, or at best you're looking at more of the same.