My Son Came Out- To Everyone

Some people certainly know at an even earlier age. Then again, your son is just coming up on adolescence and some people fluctuate a bit during that time.

I wouldn't feel guilty that you didn't know before he started telling others. It's not something you can always "just tell" and most kids don't come out to parents first (I believe statistically the order is friends-siblings-parents, on average anyway).

 

Yes, you can know at 12. Honestly, you can know as soon as you're old enough to be attracted to someone. For me it was around 4th grade when I really "knew".

It's good that you're accepting, if you want a "right" thing to say i'd just make sure he knows you accept him and are there for him. Since you live in the south (or even if you didn't) he will almost definitely face bullying in school. LGBT teens facing bullying have an extremely high suicide rate compared to the general population. He probably doesn't realize this yet, but there are tons of ignorant people, not to mention kids raised by said ignorant people, who have no problem bullying and making gay people feel less than human.

Yeah, you can't choose your sexual orientation, that's a myth spread almost exclusively by people who have some sort of agenda and biases towards gay people - Just think about it, do you choose to be straight?

 

12 years old "is" young, however it's not unusual. A lot of LGBT know from a very early age that there's "something different" about them, and they gradually find out as their sexuality develops.

I'm rather surprised that he'd out himself so early and so publicly though. If anything, being supportive and listening to him would be a great start. He may grasp homosexuality at his age, but I'm not sure he grasps the discrimination against LGBT, and he may be setting himself up in a bad position. Hopefully for him that won't be the case. Still, being there for him would be the best advice I could give.

If there are any LGBT Centers in your area, you may also want to see if they have "PFLAG" meetings (Parents, Families, &Friends of Lesbians and Gays), which are generally meetings of parents (families and friends) of LGBT children who discuss various topics related to LGBT and other parents may be able to answer some of your questions from their perspective as well.

 

Welcome.

All children keep secrets from their parents. You cant know everything.

Yes. I knew at 8 years old.

You have to make sure that he knows you're there for him and that you support him no matter what. He'll be feeling very vulnerable right now... You dont want him to start retreating and push you away. Make sure he knows you're 100% on your side. Ask him questions... show interest. etc.

C'est la vie.

 

Regarding the part in bold, I assumed the same initially reading your post. The problem is that it would be difficult to determine if he's really telling the truth or seeking attention until he enters a relationship (and he could even be bisexual for that matter), in which case the most sensible reaction would be to accept his claim to be gay, rather than to brush it off as him seeking attention. The reasoning behind this would be that if he genuinely is gay, brushing it off because of his past experience as an attention-seeker would be more harmful to his development, whereas if he turned out not to be gay, he'd still find himself in a loving and caring family.

Typical parents stuff, nothing wrong with that. :lol:

 

Your son isnt attention seeking.

I realise that finding out that your son is a homosexual has come as a shock to you, but being in denial isnt helpful to anyone. Your son has likely been in denial about his homosexuality for months or even years. He's just starting to accept himself for who he is... be careful not to suppress the real him or he'll end up retreating back in to himself and he may even end up pushing you away.

 

I can say for certain that I had my first experience of same sex attraction at 12, almost 13. I didn't understand gay--except that I knew the word was used by boys insulting other boys. But even though I didn't understand what gay meant, I did have strong feelings about other boys.

There may have been earlier clues, too.

Earlier, you mentioned that you are a Christian. This topic is heavily debatable...but there is a line of thinking that says you can be both gay and a Christian. Yes, many churches hate gays. Or at least think if you are gay you must remain celibate for life. But there are people and churches who believe that there is nothing wrong with being gay, and that a gay, long term monogamous relationship is fine.

 

Personally, I think twelve is a bit young to tell everyone but I definitely think that someone can get a pretty good idea of whether they may be gay or not, even at that age. Maybe just a bit too soon before he has had more of the later teen years experiences? But then again, I have to say that even though I am just now telling more of the people I am close with about my sexuality, I have known for quite a while that I am not "straight". So maybe he has known for a while and is just now under the same process as me? Perhaps. Anyway, I don't think it's too big a thing to worry about. As long as he has a loving home to return to, and it sounds like he does, he should be OK. Ever since I told my parents, they have been very relaxed about the whole ordeal and it has made a big difference in my everyday life just knowing I am accepted and don't have to worry. I think right now he just needs your support and any troubles that come with his friends or peers, if any, resolve them as they come. Be proud that he is choosing to avoid the pains of staying in the closet all those years! (By the way, I am also from the South, although not like Alabama or Mississippi, and I haven't seen a whole lot of intolerance. It's mostly just jokes but if he does run into trouble at school, keep open conversations with him and know what's going on. You already sound like a concerned and active mom so he is very lucky!) Also, one last thing. You could encourage him to become a member here at Empty Closets. I know the help here from everyone has been very supportive and I think he would benefit from it.

 

When he 13.

 

I realize that I forgot to mention that he may also both be gay AND seeking attention. Possibly in an attempt to find a certain level of acceptance from others.

There's a lot of possibilities based on the information available. It's something that will become clearer with time.

 

Definitively possible, in which case I'd be a little jealous considering how long it took me to accept I was gay, let alone come out. :lol:

It is a great community.

PFLAG and LGBT Centers are definitively a good place to start if there are no other (openly) gay people in your community. Some centers may also host some meetup for teens and young adults supervised by an adult (counselor, etc), so that they can meet friends they can relate to (which is usually the hardest part at a young age), as well as discuss various issues like safe sex, STDs, etc. Those centers typically have a website of their own with all the details.

 

Another vote for letting your son join EC when he's old enough! I feel very comfortable with this site, and I recommend it without reservation.

I don't know about the world of today...but if things are like they were when I was his age, dating is, at most, pretty shallow. The serious stuff didn't seem to hit until high school. Of course, things may have changed since that time. For example, the last dinosaur finally died when I entered high school...

Sex, however, is possibly a worry. Kids that age might not be seriously dating, but it is not uncommon for boys to experiment with each other. A gay boy, like your son, could be quite happy to go along with that if the opportunity came up... Basically, while I think it's a good idea to encourage waiting, it is also a good idea for kids to have as much basic information as possible. We are in an era of HIV, and pretending sex will never happen until a kid gets married at 30 is not a good plan these days.

One other thought about sex: if I had a 12 year old (either child, or a kid I was mentoring), I'd support the idea of him masturbating. The topic can be uncomfortable--heck, that's true of anything involving sexuality. But the bitter truth is that boys generally have a pretty healthy sex drive, and masturbation is a good way to deal with that until they are at the point where they can have a healthy relationship. I generally recommend Jackinworld, which covers everything from basic techniques to information that tries to eliminate masturbation stigma.

 

I apologize for not thoroughly reading through all that's already been posted (well, I skimmed it), and I know I'm repeating some stuff, but I'm going ahead anyways...


You can absolutely have the notion that you are "attracted" to people of the same sex as you from a very young age. I frankly knew as early as I could consciously understand what a "relationship" was - and because my parents never set me down and said "you know son, relationships are only ever between one man and one woman," I actually assumed that my viewing men in a romantic light at a young age was perfectly normal (until I moved to a small "redneck town" where everyone in school assured me that that wasn't the case). If you had asked me at age five, "Cameron, do you think you would ever marry a boy?" or something to that effect, my answer would have been yes.

And then comes puberty, which is the indication of sexual interest, which is rather hard to ignore, even if you're trying to put up a veil of denial. Obviously, 12 is around that age, so I would not be at all shocked if those hormones hit and his response was, "welp, looks like I'm gay." Which is good to hear, because say twenty years ago the overwhelming response to discovering those feelings would have been one of total denial and psychological self-torture on your son's part. It is pleasant to see times changing.



As for the general impression of what you've said you told him here:

That first part is quite lovely, and it's all a kid can ask for from a parent. Obviously we here are going to do nothing but commend you for that unconditional love. .

The second part he may not take to heart simply in the fact that he (will soon be) a teenager :lol:. It's really no different for any parent, with children of any orientation, haha. I personally would recommend what my parents told my sister and I: "do what you will, but be safe, or else, and you will use a condom if you ever do anything, and that's that." But how open and allowing about what you'd like your children to do relationship-wise is ultimately your decision. Good luck .