Hi, I am new to this site and stumbled upon it looking for information to help me figure out what's going on with my 14 year old son. I found out my son's facebook password and have been checking his facebook because I was concerned that he was becoming a pothead. I feel like checking up on him is unethical, but now that I know his password it's very tempting to look and make sure that he's not lying to me. In any case, I found some messages that implied that he had fooled around with another boy. I asked him about it and he admitted it and said that he was just experimenting. This was about 2 months ago. Now he's exchanging messages with another boy, asking the boy for pictures of his penis and sending pictures as well. He's told him about all the things he would like done to him and what he wants to do to the boy - very explicitly. My concerns are these - one is that I am afraid of him getting a disease. Although he mentioned condoms, I doubt that they would be used for oral sex. The boys that he's talking to and/or fooled around with seem to be openly gay and quite promiscuous (judging from the conversations). Two - I feel like he's very young to be considering anal sex. Three - at the same time that he is chatting with these boys he is also hitting on girls. I am not convinced that he is gay. Until I saw those messages 2 months ago I never saw any sign. I have several gay friends and live in NYC so I'm not completely out of touch. But then again, the things that he's discussing with this boy are quite gay! If he is gay, I will love him and accept him. That's not the problem. My husband fears that he may have been molested because he (my husband) was and he became very promiscuous with boys and girls for a while. I will not ask my son directly about the messages because he would be mortified to know that I saw them and he does not know that I have access to his facebook (the first time I saw the messages 2 months ago he had left his facebook open). I am not sure how to bring up my concerns without telling him that I saw the messages. My husband thinks he may just be doing stuff with guys because he's 14 and horny and he has these gay friends and it's easy to get sex with them. Or he thinks he may have been molested and that's why he's acting out. I don't know really. I feel like I need to talk to him but I'm not sure how. I feel like his sex life is not my business except that it is my business to ensure that he's safe, that he respect himself and others, and I want to help him if he's feeling upset about what he's doing. Any advice?
Thanks for reaching out to us. It's cool to have a parent accept her child for who he is, even if how young he is while exploring sexuality is concerning you. I would be worried about making associations between possible molestation and future sexuality. While molestation is obviously bad, I don't think the proper response is to stigmatize or subject to special scrutiny the sexuality of a young person. You are right to be concerned that your son is being safe. And I'm glad this conversation is beginning from a place of acceptance. I think one strategy you can try is to just have a general conversation about sex, how powerful it is, and how people can get emotionally hurt sometimes after casual sex. This is also a good time to talk about consent issues, respect, and protection. You don't have to make it a "because I know you're bisexual" conversation. You can make it a "because you're that age" conversation. Sister Adrian.
First, you are mistaken about this. He can be gay and not give any signs. The feminine tendencies are a stereotype, meaning they don't apply to everyone. There are gay men whom you would never ever suspect of being gay. Based on what you said in your post, he could be bi, or gay, or experimenting, given his young age. No one can tell now. So let's just assume he is bisexual (since he appears to like both boys and girls) for now and give him proper information on safe sex. That is very incorrect. Having been molested doesn't make you gay. There's no scientific proof that it does. He's quite young and it can be really hard to stop him from doing something. The more you try to stop him, the more he will resist. How about pointing him in the right direction? Give him a sex ed lesson. Or if it's too weird, buy him a book about it, or direct him to the right material on the internet.
Thank you for your quick and thoughtful responses! I know that molestation doesn't make one gay. My husband was molested as a young boy by an older cousin and it didn't make him gay. He feels like it did, however, make him seek out boys to have sex with as a young teen because, he says, that was normal for him since his first sexual experiences were with a man. And he liked the feeling, although he didn't like being molested. He also feels like being molested (and then fooling around with several boys) made him promiscuous with women because he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't gay. This is just his experience, but since my son seems to be behaving in a similar way, he's afraid that maybe something similar happened to him. Maybe he's wrong and, of course, different people react differently to similar experiences. It's hard to prove cause in anything related to human behavior. I do know that whether my son is gay, bi, or experimenting, he is behaving promiscuously. Or at least he's trying to behave promiscuously! I had a safe sex talk with him today without mentioning anything about his homosexual behavior. We are pretty open about sex in our family and I never really felt the need to sit down and have a sex talk with him because we've talked so much. But I am going to see about finding a book and/or having a talk without letting him know that I've seen his facebook messages.
It sounds like you are on the right track with both talking to him and locating reading material. Although it may not be a fun thing to think about, you may also want to consider making a supply of fresh condoms available to him, with the clear understanding of all the reasons why you think it would be better if he waited to be sexually active, but if he is ever tempted to be (I say tempted since as far as he knows, you don't know about his activities), he should use them. I would also suggest that any information you provide include a clear (and not watered down) description of the possible negative consequences of unsafe sex from teen pregnancy to STDs. At the same time, making it clear that if he is going to engage in sex that you expect him to behave responsibly and can talk to you about anything may hopefully lead to a situation where he views you as a partner or advisor rather than an adversary. You may also want to involve your husband in this since your son might relate better to another guy in discussing this. Although that might depend on your relationship with your son. Obviously, you know more about that than we do. Hope this helps, Todd
Hi! I'm 14 years old myself except I identify completely as gay. I think you should not be afraid to assert your role as the parent. Your son seems like he is "experimenting" which is good to understand sexual identity, but of course there are risks. From my perspective, you don't need to experiment to understand yourself to the extent you're describing in your son. BTW, there's a great line from this show Parent: "Son, I'm respecting your privacy by knocking on the door...." Son: "Thanks dad-" Parent: "...and I'm coming in anyways to assert my authority. " If I were in a your situation, let him feel like he has space, but make sure your monitoring him, for his sake. And remember, for me at least, being gay means that I will eventually live my life with a male as a partner. It should literally be the same as a regular, ethical relationship, except with a guy. Whether gay, straight, or bisexual, the gender should really be the only difference. I just want to say really quick that I can tell you are a great mom. Don't be averse to looking where you must - it's for his protection.
I want to address the molestation issue just because there are a lot of common misperceptions about the effect of molestation on sexual orientation and sexual preference. First, there are typically a number of patterns, behaviors, and indicators that a male who's been sexually abused would exhibit. (too complex to get into in a forum post). Absent any other indicators besides what you've described, it is unlikely that he was molested, and a lot more likely that he's simply aware of, and interested in exploring, his sexuality. Early teens today are a *lot* more aware than their parents were of sexual orientation, and most have access to porn at a young age (recent statistic was that some large percentage had seen porn by age 7!) which, for better or worse, tends to bring the issue of sexual orientation to the forefront earlier than a generation ago. So what you're seeing may simply be relatively normal behavior for a 14 year old who's aware of what's around and available to him in 2013. To address the possibilitiess you've raised about the effects of molestation: As you've correctly addressed, molestation does not appear, in any credible literature, to affect sexual orientation. However, as you've touched on, it typically does cause a child to, earlier than is typical, be aware of their sexual self and what comes with that, and to think about and consider sexual orientation. There is some indication that sexually abused males might be more inclined to be sexually active early and/or to experiment/act out, but there's no evidence in the psych literature to support the idea that a straight boy would be more inclined to have sex with another boy because he'd been molested by a male. Also, I think you're right to be concerned about sexual activity. You won't be able to stop it, and you want to be cautious about how you approach it, but open conversation is probably the best choice. For what it's worth, unprotected oral sex is very common, even among young teens, but the risks are relatively low; HIV transmission via oral sex is possible but very uncommon, as far as we currently know. Gonorrhea, syphillis, and chlamydia can be transmitted orally, however, and while they are all pretty easily curable with antibiotics, education about being safe and sensible is worthwhile. An equally big concern is webcamming; there are a lot of people who prey on young teens, convince them to masturbate on webcam, and record and upload the videos to various dodgy tube sites, where they get copied and re-uploaded to other sites. (In spite of the fact that underage porn is illegal and carries severe penalties, the problem is out of control and enforcement efforts are limited.) People even put up fake (prerecorded) videos to trick kids into thinking they're camming with a live person. Again, education about the idea that once a video is out there, it's impossible to remove from the 'net, and the presence of fakes and creepers is the best possible inoculation. As challenging as it is, having an open channel of communication is your best defense. It's a tough call whether or not to reveal part or all of what you know. There's certainly a reasonable argument that as his parent, you're responsible for his safety, and it's therefore reasonable to encroach on his privacy to some extent if it's done with the intent of keeping him safe. But at the same time, creating a bond of trust is important. You might try opening up conversation with him and giving him openings to own up to what you know, without admitting what you know... and only push the issue if he won't own up at all. The other suggestion I'd make is that the EC community is tailor-made for people in his situation. If he has a chance to spend time in an online community where there are a lot of people his age who are offering the suggestions that he make smart decisions and be cautious and thoughtful about his sexual explorations, it may help him to think through the decisions he makes in a way that you as a parent will have a tougher time doing. So it might make sense to find a way to address the elephant in the room (his sexual orientation questioning) and point him here. For you, it might also be really worthwhile to find a local PFLAG and attend a meeting, even if you're not sure where he is on the orientation spectrum yet. It's an amazing and welcoming community and you'll instantly feel comfortable talking to other parents who have been exactly where you are today.
I am going to address something else (cuz the others covered most everything else very well) that should be a large concern and that is this sexting, particularly the exchange of explicit photgraphs of underage children. I am assuming the other boy is 14? Yeah well if he sent pics it is possible he could be charged as a child pornographer just for taking and distributing pornographic material of a minor (even if it's himself). And your son? He could get in trouble just for receiving and viewing this type of material, let alone soliciting it from him! I am not saying this to worry you but I recently saw a story where a 13 year old girl got into a lot of trouble for sending explicit images of herself to her boyfriend. This isn't something you want to mess around with hon and if I were you I'd get a conversation going with your son REAL fast.
Stefany raises a good point. While this sort of stuff is going on among teens (gay and straight) every day, in every part of the country, the laws on the books are clear that it would be classed as child porn, and there are a dozen cases we know of where people in their mid-teens have been charged with producing pornography and been stuck with mandatory registration as a sex offender. Most everyone agrees this is ridiculous and an outrage, but those laws are on the books almost everywhere, and an angry parent plus an overzealous prosecutor can lead to some really stupid outcomes. I do think it's worth having a conversation about all of these issues, since it seems clear your son is already moving in this direction.
@SecretlyASloth - your thoughts were very helpful and you are very mature and have a lot of insight for someone so young (or someone of any age actually!). Thank you. Everyone here has given really good advice. The picture exchange was between 2 14-year-olds. My son also sent some naked pictures with his face in them which seems like an incredibly dumb thing to do. I want to talk to him about it but do not want him to know I saw those pictures as they are pretty embarrassing. It does seem ridiculous that someone could be branded a child molester for exchanging pictures with someone of the same age but it's a good point. I hadn't thought of the legal aspect - I was more concerned with my son's privacy. He's deleted them from his messages but I imagine that the other boy still has them. I'm going to bring up the child porn thing over dinner as a casual conversation about other people. I can't bring myself to let my son know that I saw those pictures.
I don't feel like I can help a lot, but I would like to share one thought. I think it would be totally okay if you honestly told your son how you found out about all this. He's not gonna like it at first, but he'll understand why you did it --you were worried. When I was 13 my mom checked some of my MSN conversations because she was worried about me. She found some stuff (also sexual conversations I was having.. it's really that age where you do those things), and confronted me about it. Yes, I was a little angry she went through my private conversations. Yes, it was very embarrassing and I couldn't look her straight in the eyes. But deep down I knew she was right, and that she was only trying to help me. So even if he may react with anger, it's probably because he's embarrassed about it. Looking back I'm glad my mom was honest with me and talked to me about it. Just a thought.
