Explaining my transgirl child to elderly relative, help!

My suggestion is to discuss it with your daughter.

From my perspective I see no reason not to tell him as everyone else knows and is accepting. She clearly has a support network. This is less of an issue on how he'd take it, and more of an issue of how your daughter feels.

 

Everyone has to take older relatives into consideration when we go visit family. I have a grandmother who would probably slap me if I wore a sleeveless shirt. Maybe if you just think about it like that?

Chances are, no matter how well you explain it to an older relative, they will not understand. I am not going to tell my grandmother I am a lesbian. She still thinks tampons are for morally loose women. Talk to your daughter about it. Maybe she will feel like it is okay to just let it be. Not hide herself...my no means should she hide herself, but wear capris like you mentioned.

 

HippieWitchMama -

The issue, as I see it, is that your mother isn't in a position to make such a request. It's a bit like had you entered into an interracial marriage, and your mother told you never to tell your grandfather or introduce your husband because he is a racist.

The issue isn't his feelings (or anyone's feelings, really). The issue is the ability of your daughter to live her life openly and authentically. It sends the message that we should change ourselves to please others and make them comfortable - even to go as far as to tell blatant lies.

IMO, the best way to handle this would have been to say something like, "I just wanted you to know that your great grandfather, due to his age, might not understand that you're a trans woman. He probably doesn't even know what being trans is - I just wanted to see what you thought. It's entirely your call if you want him to know or not, either way we completely stand behind your decision."

Just IMO. Your daughter might not care, and she may even agree that it's the best decision. I just think - like you said - it was an unfair request that your mother wasn't in a position to ask. I mean, what do you really say to something like that? "Yeah, that's nice grandma, I'm going to do it anyway." Somehow, I don't think that would be the response she wanted.