Hey, I'm new here, but wanted some advice from others since this has been on my mind for a while now. I'm 31, and am in a three way relationship with two men, who live up in scotland, well I live down south in the south of endland. Well I don't have the money to afford living up with them yet, hopefully that will change in the future, for now I have to settle for getting to see them once in a while. I love them both, we've known each other for going on two years now, and well they are together as boyfriends, they also call me the same, and one day I want to live with them as a family. So when we all get together, of course as you might expect, all three of us have sex together. Now, something they have often asked me. The both of them regularly have sex, and without condoms. They have gotten themselves tested, and no signs of any stds or anything like that, and myself I've been tested before and after last being with them, so its safe on all our ends. So both my boys (26 and 25) have sex without condoms, and well I ask them when it comes to having sex with me to wear a condom, they keep asking me, since they have shown to be safe and i myself safe, would it harm them having sex with me without a condom on. I'm going up to scotland for a week next week, and have been debating this question. If they are both clean, and I am, would it be so much of a leap to allow it? As they have sex themselves together regular without a condom, it would suggest everythings safe, right?
You already know the answer to that question. You can't guarantee that someone isn't having sex outside of the relationship. So there is always a risk. Always. You also want them to wear a condom, and they're pressuring you. At the end of the day, it's about what you want, and what you feel comfortable with. It's about setting a boundary and saying, "This is what I feel comfortable with, this is what I want, please respect that." Either they're going to respect that or not, but if they care about and respect you as a person - they will respect what you feel comfortable with doing. You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do, and the moment you start to feel pressure (not just on this issue but any other issue as well), you need to call a time out. Then use that time to figure out what you want, and make it clear to everyone involved. This isn't just an issue of putting your health at risk, although that is certainly an aspect of it. It's also an issue of your self-respect, and feeling empowered to stand behind your decisions. Setting boundaries is an important part of every relationship.
Well they haven't really pressured me into it, its just the case they've asked me several times, but I tell them i prefer they wear a condom. They always respect that and do so, otherwise its just them asking. I think they want to try it without a condom because it would feel more personal to them, but for me, as I say, i know my preference.
I would say that it could be safe, but if you feel more comfortable with a condom and they respect that then it should be alright. You could try buying the condoms yourself, that may make it easier for them. Good luck
Then that's all that matters. You know you want to use a condom, so stick to the boundaries you've set. This is about what makes you feel comfortable.
I'm not gonna lie, there is that part of me that wants to feel what its like without, to feel like someone I love is able to do that with me. But, I think if I do decide to allow it, it will be some time later, when I'm living with them and I know the full scale of there sex life. They do tell me everything, but yeah, if I do decide on it, it would be some time later in our lives and knowing full well all three of us are completely clean.
I agree that is a very smart response. I just want to caution you more for the long term. You have to keep in mind that even when you live with someone, things can still happen that you don't know about. There have been people in committed and monogamous relationships that have been infected because they've trusted someone they've been with for years... and that person decided - for whatever reason - to have sex outside of the relationship. He then got infected, came home, and unknowingly infected his partner. These things happen, because frankly, cheating happens. Gay relationships are no different than straight relationships in that regard. And it's for that reason we always advise people to always use a condom, even when they're in a long term and committed monogamous relationship. This includes cases where there is complete trust of each others status. I speak for myself when I say, it's not a question of trust it's a question of personal responsibility. Besides, there are benefits to using condoms aside from just protecting against STD's.
