I am so self destructive and out of control

That you're not "hiding yourself" anymore is one thing, however from what I'm reading, I don't think that your behavior is necessarily the result of this. This part in your post is pretty indicative:

You might not be hiding yourself anymore, but you don't seem to have fully accepted it yet. It's as if, and I might be interpreting this wrong, but that you are having sex with guys to confirm that you are gay and try to accept it, then regret doing it and return to self-harm to cope with your actions.

I don't remember, but are you seeing a therapist? I think you need more help than just what the forum can provide, which is still a great way to let out your feelings out in perfect anonymity and get some great advices, but you need some help in the real world as some sort of follow up.

 

This is the best advice for you. Therapy is important it sounds like you are suffering with depression. Please look for therapists in your area. If money is a problem check your insurance, some groups will pay for it. I wish you luck and hope you are able to find a good therapist.

 

I want to echo this. It is very important that you get some professional help. Although you didn't come out and say it, aside from the self-harm, it sounds like you're having unprotected sex. Either way, you're actively putting your life in danger. You are engaging in risky and dangerous behavior, and you are having trouble stopping it. This is something beyond what these forums can help you with - they're a great place to seek advice and support, but we're no substitute for actual professional help.

I will say that your story is not that uncommon.

Some people fall into the trap of using sex to manage their emotions. Whenever they feel lonely, sad, anxious, or even bored they hook up for quick anonymous sex. People do this because it helps distract them from whatever distressing emotions they are feeling at the moment. However, as you indicate in your post those distressing emotions eventually return afterward.

The danger here isn't just the risks of STI's, it's also the fact that sex becomes a coping mechanism to help manage your emotions or alleviate distress. This could actually develop into what is known as a process addiction - where you are using a certain behavior to regulate your mood.

Read more on process addiction here.

In addition to seeking professional help, you should get tested - especially if you've been having unprotected sex. If you're going to continue engaging in risky behavior, then you're going to put not only your life in danger but the lives of others as well.

I really hope that you take this advice, because if you're not careful things can continue to spiral out of control. You see the problem right now, and you're worried. It is my most sincere hope that you turn that concern into motivation before things get even worse, because it's only going to get harder the longer it continues.

 

Compulsive sexual behaviour that you feel remorseful about afterwards certainly does sound like sex addiction. I can certainly relate.

It sounds like you're engaging in behaviour that you swore you wouldn't - and then you do it over again. And again. And again. Are you keeping these things a secret from your boyfriend? Or is he fully aware of the activities that you're engaging in?

It could be that, as has already been suggested, you're using sex as a coping or escape mechanism to avoid negative thoughts or emotions. That works for a while, until the sex becomes something that you feel bad about - and then you're in an endless loop of feeling bad, having sex, feeling bad, having sex, etc...

The only answer is to stop. If you've genuinely tried to stop and can't, then you do likely have a problem. Counselling would help. A 12 step program might help too.

I've got over 5 years of recovery from sex addiction under my belt, so if you'd like to talk to me one on one you're welcome to send me a PM. Otherwise, get back to us all in this thread because we all want to help and see you through this.

 

I did not know of this term until today. Is it only limited to those 4 or so addictions listed, or to others as well? I guess it's a "blanket" term for any compulsive behavior.

 

Shitty self esteem is one of the quickest paths to whoredom and self destruction. You ARE making progress though, I personal have seen you taking the first few shaky steps toward self acceptance. Listen to Aldrick and research addiction. Sex, especially casual sex, can be addictive.

Try not to beat yourself up for where you are right now, this is just a bump in the road. Keep moving forward! You can do this! (*hug*)

---------- Post added 13th Jul 2013 at 08:00 AM ----------

P.S. google the term "healing crisis" it happens on emotional/psychological levels too.

 

Annnnd... SOMETIMES dreams come true!

Get your life, and stay safe!

You're leading down a dangerous path of no return.